General evaluation journal

[Preety_India]

Write general stuff. 

 

[Preety_India]

I like this video. It explains a beautiful idea in the most simple way. 

 

[Preety_India]

One thing I'm learning is to never take myself for granted ever, no matter what. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel Yea, it touches on many different aspects all in one video. I agree it's well made and put together in a soothing coherent way. 

[Preety_India]

I was living dangerously till now. 

Reckless abandon. 

I didn't want to look after myself. 

I was feeling depressed and suicidal.

 

 

 

I thought nobody would love a shy girl like me. 

 

 

Now I want to live for my  boyfriend. 

I feel a fresh breath of life. 

 

I don't want to die anymore. I feel like taking care of myself. 

 

Before I was slowly dying because I didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep.. 

I didn't feel like doing anything. I was too upset and broken from inside. 

 

I wanted to feel Ioved.. 

 

Now I met my boyfriend. 

 

So i feel much better. He gave me new life. I feel very happy whenever I talk to him or whenever he is in my presence or whenever I think about him. 

 

His thought drives me crazy. 

 

So I don't feel suicidal anymore. 

 

 

Now I feel like I want to give my life to him. 

I want to take good care of my health. I want to be healthy. 

 

I want to live again....For him of course. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I don't want to live dangerously anymore. He is my King

 

I don't want to cut myself or suicide anymore. 

I want to live for him. 

 

He is my eternal soulmate. 

 

He knows how I feel. I don't even need to say. 

 

 

I'm the luckiest girl in the universe 

 

 

I'm feeling blessed just by his presence. 

 

When he talks to me, my heart starts racing and pounding. 

 

 

I feel something something. He makes my heart go racing so badly 

Even when he looks into my journal, my heart skips a beat. 

He makes me feel so happy and so mysterious and special all at the same time. 

 

He makes me become lost in trance. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

There's so much fear within me. So much fear. I don't know what fear this is. 

But it's there. I only feel safe when my room door is closed. 

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just to check if the door is closed. 

 

[Preety_India]

The only person who makes me feel protected is him. 

 

[Preety_India]

When I was a kid, I used to get a milk moustache every time I drank milk. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll. Log out now and come back later and write some more. 

I have to keep a track of my time. 

Work on my memory as well

 

Work on my concentration skills. 

Put the baseball symbol whenever I come to the forum to keep a track.

Lot of work to be done. 

Learn German 

Write poems. 

Note to myself - Also please look into productivity journal. And please constant reminders. 

Also do grounding, mindfulness, meditation and relaxation stuff. Just to be more self aware and grounded. Avoid #blank mind state. 

 

Focus issues and mind scatter. How to prevent? 

Thanks for the reminder, and yeah upon further reflection of my life right now I 100% could benefit from being more mindful, slower paced living, contemplative, with grounding techniques. I hope you can pick up with meditation/centering techniques as well! 

Keep reminders and centering/grounding techniques. 

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Note to myself 

I got stuff to do.. Get busy. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm drifting in and out of sleep. 

 

 

Talking to myself - 

Can spiritual people be savvy? 

I like to be savvy but not the stage orange kind of savvy. Spiritually Savvy 

In other journals I talk about psychic resonance. 

Today I wanted to talk about psychic vigilance. 

 

(I'm also having a slight pain in my stomach below my ribs. I'm not sure why I'm getting this pulsating pain.) 

But despite feeling that pain, I woke up and I read this, and it was the sweetest thing I read in my entire life. 

 

You have fallen asleep again haven’t you? 

 

Why should you take care of yourself? 

I was always careless about myself. 

Maybe now I want to care for myself because I want to do it for someone. Someone who constantly brings a smile on my face. Everytime I lean towards my tea pot to make tea, I think of him. His thought instantly brightens my face. 

So Yea, it feels better if I'm caring for myself especially for someone else. 

There's a saying in our language/culture. 

It goes like...... 

What's the point of living for yourself ? If I live for someone, now that's something worthwhile. 

 

I wish I could drop some flowers at his door in the morning. He would have opened the door and picked them. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

51 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

Again and Again.

I could have written the exact same thing about you.

I finally feel alive again. I want to live my life together with you, for you. 

I would marry you right away. I want to be by your side forever. Everything within me feels whole when i am with you.

For the first time in my life everything feels right.

I feel deeply loved, appreciated and adored. It is so beautiful to be able to share my deepest secrets and feelings with you.

I struggled with contemplating suicide for such a long time that i almost just accepted it as a part of myself.

But every time we talk to each other, all of these thoughts vanish, my mind stops racing and i am starting to feel lovey dovey.

I feel at peace and i can relax. I can open myself up and be completely vulnerable with you, which is such a great gift.

For whatever reason we finally meet in this life time.

I feel eternally grateful.

I love and adore you my precious soulmate

Love you. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Enough is enough 

General announcement to whoever cares to read. 

Am I being isolated again? Why because I have a boyfriend? 

It's not like I'm dumb and I don't see it.. 

All the pity shown to me by some people. 

So nobody wants to talk to me now? 

All the passive aggressive nonsense. 

I just want to talk to people who I feel really care about me and get rid of all the stuff that made me feel trapped. 

Some people who like to feed me bread crumbs. Naaaah.. Sorry. I don't want that and I don't need that. You keep those bread crumbs with you. 

If you're  reading this, you already know what I mean. You get the message! 

Suddenly everyone wants to talk to their lovers or tell their lovers to talk to them.. Why because I initiated it? Now competition? Who is a better lover? 

Now suddenly some people just don't wanna talk to me.. Fine Bye in big letters. I don't give a fuck. 

I know all these games. 

Now get it straight from my mouth. 

I'm not going to be talking to anyone and especially to those who don't care about me. Enough with your behind the curtain games. 

I gave you one last chance to talk to me. And you lost it. 

You think I'm crazy, really? 

You come to me for your pity party. But as soon as I am happy or angry or sad, you just don't give a fuck. Why is that? 

I see through all of your shit. 

I am Going to play the same game that you play with me. Tit for tat. 

I'm not to be taken lightly. Is  the mutual admiration society back at it again? 

Why bother talking to me in the first place if you don't have the kindest words behind my back? 

Does reading this cause you anxiety?

One last time. It was my low self esteem and need for acceptance that made me beg for your BREAD CRUMBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

If I had love, I wouldn't need to care too much about your bread crumbs. 

 

Some of the people have been faithful and loyal to me since the time I came. They never turned their backs on me. 

You know what... The  last message that I sent to you, apologizing to you, that was a goodbye message. I wanted to say to you - GOODBYE. 

NEVER SEE MY FACE AGAIN. 

I didn't know where to post it so I posted it here so some of the minions can read. 

Because I took enough of your shit for nearly 7 months. I kept very quiet because I needed those bread crumbs thrown at me to eat. 

Now no more

 

Love has taught me what love is. And what love feels like. 

I don't need your shit anymore. So goodbye. 

Those who are loyal to me can be with me. 

I'm not going to put up with your constant silent Coldness. The cold shoulder that I'm being given for nearly 8 months. Enough. 

I'm not here for likes or follows or admiration on my journals. Because people make it a competition of who gets more likes. JUST DUMB. SAYING IT LIKE I MEAN IT. 

I was made to be the mediator or sandwich between lovers. I was dragged, guilted, gaslighted, made to feel sorry for myself. 

Now that I have a lover, I did not receive a single congratulatory message. Fuck you. 

I see through it all now. Who cares? 

 

Like I said only those who are truly caring for me. Rest goodbye. I don't need to care about your bread crumbs anymore. 

My only true friend here was Hulia. She cared for me when nobody would. 

She stood for ME.... if I had a bad time, she was there for me. 

Now that I wake up in the morning and I read all the mutual admiration society bullshit. I'm DONE. 

YOU don't talk the way you talk on the inside. Do you? 

You talk like a delicate angel on the outside. But I have read some of the inside stuff that you write. That is the real you who talks about jurisdictions and nonsense. 

All mind games.... I can finally let go what made me feel trapped in this journal section for so long.

I can finally be done with your bullshit. 

You know what should happen with people like you who gossip about me behind my back??! Liberation. Liberation is the word. I should be liberated from you. The way I was liberated from my ex. The way I need to be liberated from every toxic person around me. 

You are energy vampires. 

You suck my energy. But no more. 

Anyone who gets caught up in your darkness, mind games, and fake empathy deserves to be liberated. 

If you're addicted to drama, then don't come to me. Stay away.. I don't need it.. 

There are a few people who talk to me in this journal and I find it worthwhile to talk to them. Because you see they aren't jealous. They don't give me a cold shoulder. They don't backstab me. They don't say one thing to my face and something else behind my back. 

Hulia is the only female who was there for me. She cares. 

There were others who were interested in doing a lot of nonsense behind my back. 

Then coming around to gain my favor when I wasn't giving them attention. Especially to show to the general public how bad I am that I don't even bother to reply? 

How rude and uncaring i must be that I cannot even say a thank you? 

Ok please do me a last favor. Just leave me the fuck alone and stop your behind the curtain games. 

I don't need all this emotional turmoil and nonsense. 

I am not the one to keep rotting in it forever. 

Learn to keep your stuff with you and don't bring it to me. 

Do not message me about fake pity. 

Do not message me your problems 

Sort it out yourself and keep me out of it. 

I'm cutting ties with many. I want to feel light around my shoulders. 

I have the right. I should deserve loyalty and love and proper friendship. 

I don't need fake stuff. 

You stay out of my stuff. I stay out of your stuff. 

No more games 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Both of you are blocked in my messenger. 

Got it? 

Now it's all three of you. Perfect. 

I have deleted all your messages. 

You can't reach me in messages. 

If you mention me or write about me in the future, you won't be  getting any response. So you will know it is you. 

 

[Preety_India]

If a woman is not going to talk to Me and her boyfriend is not going to talk to me at the same time same place, I don't need such people in my life. 

 

Because there is no loving vibration there

 

 

[Preety_India]

Finally peace and relief. I finally cut off people I didn't want to talk to.. 

If you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to you either. 

Either talk respectfully to me, or just don't bother being polite. 

This is a permanent break up with the 6 of you. 

One of you I'll talk to sometimes. 

 

There are additional 3 that are out of my zone forever. 

 

I only want to talk to Hulia. 

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I just love this documentary. 

 

[Preety_India]

Survival can be so tough. 

 

[Preety_India]

This is resolved and done and over with. 

Need to focus on other things now.