Shadow and Copium Journal - Laying all my thoughts and feelings out

[Fleetinglife]

8.24.2021.

I think and feel more now more often, than not, of blowing my brains and head out and losing everything. That’s the thought pattern I am having in my head when typing this. I feel constant pain, suffering, and pressure in my head which translates into some chronic state of fatigue and tiredness of living out and performing the duties I have in my life and being motivated and disciplined to undertake tasks and challenges that are the first stepping stones towards what I see as being my potential purpose and role in this life and existence. I have created a miserable, selfish life for myself in the past couple of months filled with regrets, addictions, suffering, and a deep sense of loss, fatigue, and wasted potential. That’s usually what I feel and think about in a pattern consistently now every single day in the past months and what I repressed and deliberately forgotten about because of all the problems, trauma, and suffering I’ve let accumulated over the last years when I started failing and not passing enough exams on university each year. I don’t what else to write out of the top of my head other than I feel and think that addressing and fixing all these accumulated problems, addictions sufferings, issues, and traumas one by one and one at the time will really push and require effort on my part and on the part of my will to live and make my life more enjoyable and, happy.

This is just a scrape of the cope journal to get and force me to write out my thought and feelings from this point onwards to better understand them and appreciate them and cast light on the repressed, accumulated problems, traumas, issues, and selfishness that is making not only my experience of life miserable, petty, sad, insufferable and numbing but also the expectations of my future experience of life anxiety and fear-filled of causing me even more suffering, misery, humiliation and making my current existence not worth living and resiliently struggling through with the aim to recover my dignity, self-worth, self-confidence, and strength as a human being and his life experiences up until this point and rid myself of the regret obsessed psyche, thought pattern and feelings on what I missed on, wasted on, and spit on as potential and actualizing reality up until this point in my life.

What do I want to do and accomplish in the future remaining years of my life? I want to most abstractedly and, not concretely write something that I feel is important to me and how I view and relate to the world and rest of society and actually pen it as an author so people can read it and get some insights and help for themselves from it. That’s what I feel would be deeply fulfilling for my experience of life and myself and how I would live my life from that point onwards.