Fear of future

[Thought Art]

I am in the process of building myself and my future. I am learning more about myself, cleaning up my shadow, becoming more responsible and grounded everyday. I often find myself fighting reality, wanting it to be different. I sometimes develop a deep anger at the way reality is designed. But, I also realize that had I seen reality more clearly since my youth and had the principles I am now aware of my life would be way better right now. That being said, I am putting in the work to set up a decent life and I have learned and uncovered a lot over the past 5 years, despite my many, many many failures and attempts at projects. I of course had many successes as well

But, I also sense that because my main dream of being a musician just doesn't seem realistic anymore, I feel like dying. Everything else, though interesting feels like settling. I like my long term vision for though art, and I am making a lot of progress. But, existentially I wanted to make music for a living. But, I am so stupid and impulsive, and I lack strategy in my life I feel I have missed the boat. 

I am growing everyday, and I love my practices of studying, Qigong, journaling, meditation and reading self help books. I know if I keep doing this for the next 10-20 years I will have a great life built up. But, the fear of me putting all this work in and having things taken away from me, like they have in the past makes me feel scared, and I would rather just be nothing than face this fear anymore. Obviously addressing this fear is of utmost importance of my spiritual and personal development. But, I am just being open that I think about killing myself probably multiple times a week. I want life to be something that it isn't and until I accept that its this grindy, repetitive and scary thing where if you make a mistake you are fucked, idk. I don't trust God or reality given all the experiences I have had.

It seems like life is so beautiful, but also so painful. I have discovered greater relaxation over the past months, and I am seeing my maturity, groundedness and mental health improve greatly. Yet, I am still wondering if it is worth it? 

When I see my failure to be the man I want to be, the partner, the student, the leader, the artist, the business person, the spiritual person I want to be... I feel a shame or disapointment in myself. I don't fully love or trust myself and I hate it. 

I obvisouly love myself and am fighting for a better future. I just need to hold on to brighter days. I mean, these days aren't so bad. But, I am just so scared of the future.

I am scared of being delluded, being an asshole, harming others or disappointing people. I am scared of working a shitting 9-5, or being homeless, I am scared of being famous and successful. I would like to restart.

I don't want to identify as being spiritual, good, moral, and expert etc. Because I am learning these types of people don't really exist and so much of what I thought people were or reality is, was illusion or cultural programming. I need to see myself as I am, but I feel like I am complex and have many aspects and layers to myself. Who am I to want to teach or lead others? Maybe in 5 years. I mean, I can still teach Qigong and share in my life experience with others. But, I am very imperfect.

I am sure I wont commit suicide unless life gets really really bad. And, I think suicidal thoughts are me just wanting to really reconnect with source and transcend all this human painful behaviour. 

There is a lot of beauty in life and it is a miracle, and I enjoy my spiritual progress. Last night during Qigong I had a deep awakening in my heart for the first time. I know Qigong will continue to deepen as I practice and I am excited to share it with others. But, I am if anything a wounded healer who is on my path.

I want life to be a beautiful joyful, safe experience where I spend time doing what I enjoy with people I love. Anything less than that is a waste of time.

I am scared I am unlovable, or that I do not deserve love. I feel like the me that isn't held back by fears is powerful, energetic, smart, loving, creative, and inspiring because I've embodied this many times over the past year. But, I also have trauma, toxic shame, fears etc... And my psyche is still weak and lacks perspective and nuance. I run so many horror films in my mind about how the future will be. I am working to reprogram my mind.

I want to be healthy, happy and developed and share that with others. To share in the journey of growing with others. But, I also would like to take a long rest. Seeing the brutal nature, the dysfunction of society and all the hypocrisy makes me want to die. I just want to sing, do yoga, Qigong, contemplate, read self help and share my journey and music and tools with others and find a way to monetize it. But, I need to be a person of integrity, honesty and maturity to make that a reality and I think that might take a few years. 

It only takes one mistake to lose everything in certain contexts... So brutal is God

Edited August 24, 2021 by Thought Art

[Nahm]

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I am in the process of building myself and my future. I am learning more about myself, cleaning up my shadow, becoming more responsible and grounded everyday. I often find myself fighting reality, wanting it to be different. I sometimes develop a deep anger at the way reality is designed. But, I also realize that had I seen reality more clearly since my youth and had the principles I am now aware of my life would be way better right now. That being said, I am putting in the work to set up a decent life and I have learned and uncovered a lot over the past 5 years, despite my many, many many failures and attempts at projects. I of course had many successes as well

You can judge, you can label, determine, and believe those thoughts that there are failures & success… but you don’t have to, you can listen to how it feels to judge as well. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

But, I also sense that because my main dream of being a musician just doesn't seem realistic anymore, I feel like dying. Everything else, though interesting feels like settling. I like my long term vision for though art, and I am making a lot of progress. But, existentially I wanted to make music for a living. But, I am so stupid and impulsive, and I lack strategy in my life I feel I have missed the boat. 

When we miss that we are the one judging… we falsely ‘make sense’ of this by creating beliefs about ourself. Discordant, diminishing, limiting beliefs of shortage or lack. This is a compounding of discord, of what didn’t feel good in the first place. Go back and recognize the judgement, and those beliefs vanish. 

Honor your want. You want to make music? Make music. If you want to judge yourself; success, failure, stupid, impulsive, lack - then judge yourself. But see the facade of it. You can not actually judge yourself, and that is why certain thoughts feel so off. You are yourself. Just pop a different name in there, and this becomes crystal clear. “I like my long term vision for Tom Hanks.” 

The vision is the vision. You are aware of the vision. What is aware? Of course, only awareness is aware. As you are awareness, aware of the thoughts - you can not possibly be the one it is believed you are thinking about. That is the discord, the suffering. That one in the thoughts can never measure up to the truth that is, awareness… because it’s thoughts. It isn’t fair to expect this. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I am growing everyday, and I love my practices of studying, Qigong, journaling, meditation and reading self help books. I know if I keep doing this for the next 10-20 years I will have a great life built up. But, the fear of me putting all this work in and having things taken away from me, like they have in the past makes me feel scared, and I would rather just be nothing than face this fear anymore. Obviously addressing this fear is of utmost importance of my spiritual and personal development. But, I am just being open that I think about killing myself probably multiple times a week. I want life to be something that it isn't and until I accept that its this grindy, repetitive and scary thing where if you make a mistake you are fucked, idk. I don't trust God or reality given all the experiences I have had.

When one lets go of judging, the great life, the beauty, the love, is now. Don’t accept discordant beliefs - let them go simply because they are discordant, because they don’t feel good. It is not your life which feels discordant, it is you perspective(s). While to you, it seems you’d have to change your life to be happy, the truth is you are happiness by default, and this happiness is being obscured, covered up, by discordant perspectives. 

You would never hold your hand on a hot stove and complain that it is happening to you. But you are doing this with the perspectives you’re focusing on. The body is intelligence, and will remove the hand from the stove - without any need for thinking whatsoever - and having absolutely nothing to do with any beliefs, concepts or strategies whatsoever. The mind is exactly the same - if you allow it. The only way to not allow this - is to judge, and bear the discord & suffering of doing so. This is not forced upon you, this is not happening to you. You are a creator. You are the creator. You are God, momentarily, playing small. Obviously it doesn’t resonate, because the truth is you are fucking awesome. You can’t “grasp” or “realize” that in thinking, which is where you’ve been looking. 

But when you love. My good, good man… when you love. When you choose to love and not to judge. I tell you in truth, your dreams indeed begin to manifest. 

Connect the dots. Love. I know it’s hard sometimes - love. I know life throws us curve balls that we don’t initially understand. That’s ok - love. I don’t you don’t have everything you want already, but when you love, this is not a problem. You can always vision, imagine, see that it is coming, and you can love the feeling of doing so - and it will be, because God says it will be. Step into the shoes that do fit. As Rupert says, take your stand as awareness. I would add, unconditional love. Take your stand rightfully. You are not a kite in the wind being blown this way and that - you are love, you are the creator. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

It seems like life is so beautiful, but also so painful. I have discovered greater relaxation over the past months, and I am seeing my maturity, groundedness and mental health improve greatly. Yet, I am still wondering if it is worth it? 

Putting the worth of life in question is judgement. The things of this place have no worth, because they are not separate. This experience, the sheer profundity of it, is fulfilling. Judgement veils this, covers this, obscures this. Judgement can not be solved or figured - only let go. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

When I see my failure to be the man I want to be, the partner, the student, the leader, the artist, the business person, the spiritual person I want to be... I feel a shame or disapointment in myself. I don't fully love or trust myself and I hate it. 

That’s judgement. You are learning that. It’s the lesson which frees you. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I obvisouly love myself and am fighting for a better future. I just need to hold on to brighter days. I mean, these days aren't so bad. But, I am just so scared of the future.

Let the fighting perspective go. 

The truth is you are attracting. Be a vibrational match to what you want, and there is only the one possibility, that it indeed shall be so. Let judgement go. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I am scared of being delluded, being an asshole, harming others or disappointing people. I am scared of working a shitting 9-5, or being homeless, I am scared of being famous and successful. I would like to restart.

Those are all judgment. There’s nothing need be realized there. Those thought don’t feel good. That is enough. Listen to the guidance of feeling. When we pretend we aren’t the one judging… we pretend there is fear. There isn’t. It’s simply how judgement feels. Listen to the feeling, don’t believe the thoughts. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I don't want to identify as being spiritual, good, moral, and expert etc. Because I am learning these types of people don't really exist and so much of what I thought people were or reality is, was illusion or cultural programming. I need to see myself as I am, but I feel like I am complex and have many aspects and layers to myself. Who am I to want to teach or lead others? Maybe in 5 years. I mean, I can still teach Qigong and share in my life experience with others.

But, I am very imperfect.

Oh hell no. You are The Perfection. Let judgement go. When perfection believes there is imperfection, this feels very off to perfection. 

Think about your experience and what you want. Stop thinking about yourself. That isn’t yourself. Those are thoughts. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I am sure I wont commit suicide unless life gets really really bad. And, I think suicidal thoughts are me just wanting to really reconnect with source and transcend all this human painful behaviour. 

Don’t ‘fight’ and attempt to transcend.  Let the habit of judgement go. 

There was a monk who heard a knocking on the monetary door. He says “yes..?”… and the man knocking said “let me in, I want to know this peace!”. And the monk said, “but if I let you in, there won’t be this peace!”. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

There is a lot of beauty in life and it is a miracle, and I enjoy my spiritual progress. Last night during Qigong I had a deep awakening in my heart for the first time. I know Qigong will continue to deepen as I practice and I am excited to share it with others.

Awesome. But then the judgement….

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

But, I am if anything a wounded healer who is on my path.

?

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I want life to be a beautiful joyful, safe experience where I spend time doing what I enjoy with people I love.

Awesome! But then the judgement…

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

Anything less than that is a waste of time.

?

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I am scared I am unlovable, or that I do not deserve love.

You are love. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I feel like the me that isn't held back by fears is powerful, energetic, smart, loving, creative, and inspiring because I've embodied this many times over the past year. But, I also have trauma, toxic shame, fears etc... And my psyche is still weak and lacks perspective and nuance. I run so many horror films in my mind about how the future will be. I am working to reprogram my mind.

Letting go is not aversion. Working, solving, thinking, is aversion. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I want to be healthy, happy and developed and share that with others. To share in the journey of growing with others. But, I also would like to take a long rest.

Awesome!! But… here comes that judgement….

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

Seeing the brutal nature, the dysfunction of society and all the hypocrisy makes me want to die.

?

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

I just want to sing, do yoga, Qigong, contemplate, read self help and share my journey and music and tools with others and find a way to monetize it.

Awesome. In focusing upon that, it will be so. But… here comes that self judgement again…..

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

But, I need to be a person of integrity, honesty and maturity to make that a reality and I think that might take a few years. 

?

You are integrity, honesty, maturity…. believing that you lack. 

You don’t. 

You’re infinite. 

On 8/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Thought Art said:

It only takes one mistake to lose everything in certain contexts... So brutal is God

 

[Nahm]

Thought art. 

Not life, not future. 

Thought art. 

Be the artist you are. 

[Thought Art]

@Nahm Thank you for taking that time to reflect upon my thoughts. I will let go of this judgement and embrace the beauty of being. 

[Nahm]

@Thought Art

You’re welcome, hope it was helpful and much love ?. 

I’m apparently a metaphysically picky son of a bitch so I’ll add… even to embrace is too much. It imposes a question, like to embrace or not to. Even that is a duality. It implies you aren’t this beauty, that you could embrace it. You = what “beauty” is. That’s just a word, a concept, a pointer. When we’re saying beauty we’re talking about you my love.