I feel very drained and down after second date (please help)

[fopylo]

As I said in the title, I feel very drained and down after my second date, and it really sucks. Wtf, it ended quite well but also bad at the same time...

I fetched her from her house and we went to get frozen yogurt so that we could take it to her house and watch Frozen 2.

It didn't take long before we were both under the sheet and the laptop between us, and then after I got up and came back we were closer as our bodies were touching and I was holding the laptop.

Long story short we got closer and closer until the movie ended, and my plan was that at the end of the movie I'll make eye contact with her and we'll slowly go for a kiss. Close to the end we were starting to get very comfortable and I pressed my lips sometimes on her forehead while breathing on her and massaging her side. Dude it was becoming obvious the signals I'm giving.

So afterwards there was some silence, but it seemed she wasn't that comfortable in the silence so she ruined the vibe and started talking, telling me about those other movies she's watching on Popcorn Time. It was boring and eventually I reminded her about Avatar: The Last Airbender, and so we decided to watch that.

When the first episode was over I was looking at her, but she didn't make any fucking eye contact, my god I was frustrated. She again couldn't handle so much the silence and started talking. Fuck that, I tolled her to put another episode. Hopefully this time things will work better.

This time, she could actually handle the silence, or more like, our comfortable positions on each other, the cuddle. We started cuddling a bit, not much movement really, still both a bit nervous. But bruh, she was with her eyes closed. And listen, I was trying to create a situation where we can both look at each other's eyes and then slowly come to a kiss. Didn't work. My fucking god, I've been trying to find so many different positions to be in  but she was always closing her fucking eyes and it seemed she wasn't that interested, but at the same time gave me signals! (In the cuddling while watching the movie she made some moves) Fucking hell man. I was getting frustrated!

Eventually I was like 'fuck it', took my legs out of the sheet and just sat on the bed. She then started looking at some pictures on google and we talked a very bit about it. I decided to go to the bathroom so that it can then be easier for me to leave. When I came back I was looking at her with an embarrassing smile and she asked me if I need to leave (this is what I was trying to signal to her) and I tolled her that I have supper and all that shit to prepare.

Then she asked me what's the matter, if something happened. And I said nothing, like what's up. As I was saying that I was next to the mirror and I just realized that it looked fake. Like I was forcing a smile and being content...

Eventually we left the house. I was still very frustrated. We then hugged.

She then asked me if she can walk me home. I really didn't want her to walk me home, I wanted the time with myself just to gather myself up and process what happened, and I also had enough of her for this moment.

I said "ok sure".

After a moment I tolled her that actually I'm not going home, but rather to the school going to meet a friend there to play the piano. I lied. (For reference, it is like 21:45 now, and I go with that friend sometimes at night to school to play the piano).

But I tolled her she can walk me until the school.

We got to the school, and she continued with me through the gate. Bruh. She can't be serious. Midway the passage after the gate I did a short stop and acted surprised/confused which all lasted like half a second.

She then asked me "oh do you want me to leave?" (in a half joking half offended manner). I tolled her "no, don't stop now, you can't stop in the middle of this nice path. We finished this path, and she continued a bit.

Bruh.

Nah, now really, I was starting to slow down and be before her. This is already unacceptable.

We talked a bit, then we hugged a lot, the are faces were close. Our foreheads touched and then I went for it.

We had the first kiss.

I felt terrible afterwards, but I'll get to it in just a second.

She didn't have a pleasant taste, and also I didn't know how to kiss and I closed my eyes a bit because I just wanted to get it over. Then I hugged her a bit, gave her another kiss on the other half of the lip. And then she asks me:

"Why did you say before if  we'll meat again?"

I was confused, but eventually I tolled her that I had bad wording.

She said she had fun, me too, and then we separated ways.

Now look, honestly I feel terrible and I don't know why. Could it be this frustration from earlier that is still lingering? Could it be because I am scared in getting enslaved now to a person and to lose from the freedom that I had? Maybe I didn't feel anything really during the kiss and that's why I feel shitty? (I really didn't feel excited for it).

And I feel some pain in my groin, like I lost some energy, as if I just nutted after being on nofap.

This is so shit. I am still very confused and I just want the best for myself. Please, I need you to tell me if that is normal, and how to maneuver my situation better.

On top of all of those confusions I am actually quite scared. I'm entering a new phase of my life now, going to camp. I am starting a new life, I'm letting go of people and new ones are coming. Man I want to cry. I feel like I'm dying! What the actual fuck.

Please, I need you to tell me what in the actual fuck is going on with me. Thanks.

[ted73104]

So is this story actually true? You must be very young.

It would seem that you really wanted to create something during your date with this girl, but unfortunately things didn't go as you planned and you think the entire date sucked. But the truth is, the date did not suck. It was great, the girl likes you, enjoys being with you, and looks forward to the next date with you.

You, however, are a fucking narcissist. Come on, the date doesn't have to be enjoyable or successful for you two to have a good time. You must have watched too many movies and thought that the script was taken from real life experiences. You need a wakeup call and understand that those movies are full of shit! They don't exist in real life, and it would totally moronic if they ever did. You're looking at the "quality" of the date too seriously, but the content of the date doesn't really matter. What matters is your relationship with the girl, and you don't need to speed things up.

Just be friends with this girl until you can do more things naturally. Don't worry about whether you have a good time with her during your dates with her, you should try to understand more about her instead. Life is not about being perfect or having the best experience, it is simply living out the reality of it.

[fopylo]

1 hour ago, ted73104 said:

So is this story actually true? You must be very young.

@ted73104
Yes it is true. We are about to start our next phase of life that comes after high-school.

1 hour ago, ted73104 said:

You must have watched too many movies and thought that the script was taken from real life experiences.

Actually this isn't true. I don't even watch movies.

1 hour ago, ted73104 said:

What matters is your relationship with the girl, and you don't need to speed things up.

Here is where I'm also nervous. Honestly man, I don't feel like having a long term relationship. I might be sounding like a jerk for saying it but my initial intent with this relationship was for experience's sake. And yet, I still seem to be affected by it.

1 hour ago, ted73104 said:

Don't worry about whether you have a good time with her during your dates with her, you should try to understand more about her instead

What do you mean?

[ted73104]

I guess it is fine even if you're doing this for experience's sake, in this case you should learn more about how to be her friend rather than lover.

Long term relationships requires a person to be more capable to love and be responsive. I believe you will realize that the friendship part is more important than the romantic or sexual part of the relationship. If you want to learn how to build a deep connection with a woman, you will need to learn how to understand everything about her and how to love everything about her. 

It is actually the inner beauty of a person that can attract you for a long time, not any outer appearances. I guess it's normal that you want to make these dates as interesting or memorable as possible, but that's really not the point. The main point is how she feels about you and whether if you like her or not. This takes time to figure out. So it doesn't matter if the dates you have are absolutely amazing or just flat out boring. As long as you can know more about her and enjoy listening to her talk about herself, you are right on track. If you pursue true Love, then things between you and her will just gradually become more enjoyable and memorable, even if you end up as normal friends.

[ted73104]

If your dates don't work out as you plan, there's no need to think that you're incapable or something. Just relax and admit that things didn't go as you wanted. You can even joke about you own insecurities, I bet she'll like you even more and laugh with you. 

From your second date experience, I think that you want to create a great dating atmosphere and get everything right, which is all good and keep going. She, on the other hand, only wants to be with you and understand you more. You both do want to have a good time, but in the end what only matters is if she can trust and understand you more or not. You don't need to impress anyone on this, just find out if you can discover her inner beauty and see if you can like her more.

[PlayOnWords]

On 23/08/2021 at 9:28 PM, fopylo said:

Long story short we got closer and closer until the movie ended, and my plan was that at the end of the movie I'll make eye contact with her and we'll slowly go for a kiss. Close to the end we were starting to get very comfortable and I pressed my lips sometimes on her forehead while breathing on her and massaging her side. Dude it was becoming obvious the signals I'm giving.

I remember times like this in my teens. One time I invited this girl round my house and we watched a film, and I never saw her again after. You know why? Because I was too much of a pussy to kiss her or do anything with her.

It's a harsh lesson, but as a man, you have to take the lead. You should have just moved her head towards you and kissed her when you felt like kissing her. Women, generally speaking, will not be the ones to make the move. You can give all the signals in the world and nothing will happen. You must lead.

Sounds like she took it fairly well though. The reason why she asked "why did you say if we meet again?" is because she wants to see you again. So well done.

Next time, try as hard as you can to break through the fear and just do it. She's expecting you to do this and it's totally natural. So just listen to your instinct and go for it.

Good luck.

Edit: Ted's advice is terrible. Sorry, Ted.

Edited August 28, 2021 by PlayOnWords

[mememe]

@fopylo  you went from a movie towards reality, are you aware of that? it seems like you have high expectations to things really being perfect the way you expect them to be - in movies you never see odd talks about everyday or irrelevant stuff you can`t smell or taste what`s going on really. the heroin never sits next to the hero staring into a phone for minutes, hours. get real with building towards a moment like you had, maybe for the next encounter finding a nice spot for the next kiss.

relax a bit more try to change topics if you are not comfortable and don`t be mad with her trying to resolve awkwardness by every day talk. have chewing gum or some kind of candy for fresher breath around for the next time, then she might taste as sweet as you expect her to taste.

and you cant loose freedom from a kiss

Edited September 3, 2021 by mememe
unbelievable how people sign up here but are scared to have personal relations

[PlayOnWords]

17 hours ago, cypres said:

Once I saw that a man I didn't like was reaching out to kiss me, and I lowered my head away in a way I thought was a clear enough signal, but he followed me with his head and placed a kiss on my lips before I could stop it. It felt like a violation. That is when someone becomes 'creepy': someone who doesn't pick up on a no.

This should be obvious to anyone. Doesn't sound entirely relevant to Fopylo's story though. It sounds like what hindered his date was his apprehension to pull the trigger. From what he described, the girl is keen on him.

 

[PlayOnWords]

@cypres they can be clear signs of that, and they can also be clear signs of the opposite. It's dependant upon context, atmosphere and the history between the two people.

Guessing from Fopylo's post, I'd say he's between 16-21. So we can assume both he and the girl he's courting are relatively sexually inexperienced. At this age, there's a lot of apprehension on both sides, naturally. The girl may not want to be seen as desperate or slutty and so is waiting for the guy to make the move. The guy may not want to be seen as too pushy or domineering. Both have not mastered the ability of escalating the situation. Thus, they both sit there uncomfortably waiting for the other to make the move.

You seem to be projecting your experience on to this situation. If you read the story, the girl was clearly reciprocative to Fopylo. What you're talking about is potentially committing sexual assault, which has no place on this particular thread given the context provided by Fopylo.

[Roy]

I say this bluntly, and you probably don't want to hear it but I believe it's what you need to hear - Next time either with her, or another girl - You need to cut it with this weak stuff >

On 8/23/2021 at 1:28 PM, fopylo said:

Long story short we got closer and closer until the movie ended, and my plan was that at the end of the movie I'll make eye contact with her and we'll slowly go for a kiss. Close to the end we were starting to get very comfortable and I pressed my lips sometimes on her forehead while breathing on her and massaging her side. Dude it was becoming obvious the signals I'm giving.

You were already in the situation where she was receptive and ready, but you were "hoping" for things to work out in your plan, which means not actually being masculine and making it happen. Not actually being decisive and kissing her.

What you do is start looking at her until she looks at you, and if she isn't you softly whisper "hey" to get her attention. Once you make eye contact and you're that close you fucking kiss her, period. Don't wait for any more signals or thoughts of "is this the PERFECT moment?"

If she rejects you it either means she doesn't like you as much as it seems, or she is extremely inexperienced. You accept whichever one it is and move on.

On 8/23/2021 at 1:28 PM, fopylo said:

So afterwards there was some silence, but it seemed she wasn't that comfortable in the silence so she ruined the vibe and started talking,

She didn't ruin the vibe. YOU did by not being decisive with your energy. You need to take responsibility here. You tip toed the line too close but didn't cross it, and so she mirrored your energy. As the man it's your job to lead. At the right moments of course.

On 8/23/2021 at 1:28 PM, fopylo said:

Now look, honestly I feel terrible and I don't know why. Could it be this frustration from earlier that is still lingering?

You feel terrible and frustrated because you didn't seize the moment like you should have, so there is regret and pain now because you ignored that calling.

That's ok though. Everyone goes through some kind of learning curve. What you do now is realize there will be many more of these moments in the future and you know what it feels like when you don't take them!

So now that you're going into this new phase in life what are you going to do more of???

[fopylo]

@Roy

Just 'broke up' with me yesterday. Didn't feel offended or anything at all. She anyways wasn't exactly my type and I new I didn't want her really, it was just for experience so I wasn't that attached. Just too bad I didn't seize the opportunities and got to the sex stage.

[Gregory1]

On 7.9.2021 at 5:30 AM, Roy said:

I say this bluntly, and you probably don't want to hear it but I believe it's what you need to hear - Next time either with her, or another girl - You need to cut it with this weak stuff >

You were already in the situation where she was receptive and ready, but you were "hoping" for things to work out in your plan, which means not actually being masculine and making it happen. Not actually being decisive and kissing her.

What you do is start looking at her until she looks at you, and if she isn't you softly whisper "hey" to get her attention. Once you make eye contact and you're that close you fucking kiss her, period. Don't wait for any more signals or thoughts of "is this the PERFECT moment?"

If she rejects you it either means she doesn't like you as much as it seems, or she is extremely inexperienced. You accept whichever one it is and move on.

She didn't ruin the vibe. YOU did by not being decisive with your energy. You need to take responsibility here. You tip toed the line too close but didn't cross it, and so she mirrored your energy. As the man it's your job to lead. At the right moments of course.

You feel terrible and frustrated because you didn't seize the moment like you should have, so there is regret and pain now because you ignored that calling.

That's ok though. Everyone goes through some kind of learning curve. What you do now is realize there will be many more of these moments in the future and you know what it feels like when you don't take them!

So now that you're going into this new phase in life what are you going to do more of???

This in my opinion is the lesson to be learned here. 

[hyruga]

 

On 9/9/2021 at 2:18 AM, fopylo said:

@Roy

Just 'broke up' with me yesterday. Didn't feel offended or anything at all. She anyways wasn't exactly my type and I new I didn't want her really, it was just for experience so I wasn't that attached. Just too bad I didn't seize the opportunities and got to the sex stage.

Having sex is just an ego thing. In reality, you may be harming your own body and her body. Just let go and find another better partner.