As I said in the title, I feel very drained and down after my second date, and it really sucks. Wtf, it ended quite well but also bad at the same time... I fetched her from her house and we went to get frozen yogurt so that we could take it to her house and watch Frozen 2. It didn't take long before we were both under the sheet and the laptop between us, and then after I got up and came back we were closer as our bodies were touching and I was holding the laptop. Long story short we got closer and closer until the movie ended, and my plan was that at the end of the movie I'll make eye contact with her and we'll slowly go for a kiss. Close to the end we were starting to get very comfortable and I pressed my lips sometimes on her forehead while breathing on her and massaging her side. Dude it was becoming obvious the signals I'm giving. So afterwards there was some silence, but it seemed she wasn't that comfortable in the silence so she ruined the vibe and started talking, telling me about those other movies she's watching on Popcorn Time. It was boring and eventually I reminded her about Avatar: The Last Airbender, and so we decided to watch that. When the first episode was over I was looking at her, but she didn't make any fucking eye contact, my god I was frustrated. She again couldn't handle so much the silence and started talking. Fuck that, I tolled her to put another episode. Hopefully this time things will work better. This time, she could actually handle the silence, or more like, our comfortable positions on each other, the cuddle. We started cuddling a bit, not much movement really, still both a bit nervous. But bruh, she was with her eyes closed. And listen, I was trying to create a situation where we can both look at each other's eyes and then slowly come to a kiss. Didn't work. My fucking god, I've been trying to find so many different positions to be in  but she was always closing her fucking eyes and it seemed she wasn't that interested, but at the same time gave me signals! (In the cuddling while watching the movie she made some moves) Fucking hell man. I was getting frustrated! Eventually I was like 'fuck it', took my legs out of the sheet and just sat on the bed. She then started looking at some pictures on google and we talked a very bit about it. I decided to go to the bathroom so that it can then be easier for me to leave. When I came back I was looking at her with an embarrassing smile and she asked me if I need to leave (this is what I was trying to signal to her) and I tolled her that I have supper and all that shit to prepare. Then she asked me what's the matter, if something happened. And I said nothing, like what's up. As I was saying that I was next to the mirror and I just realized that it looked fake. Like I was forcing a smile and being content... Eventually we left the house. I was still very frustrated. We then hugged. She then asked me if she can walk me home. I really didn't want her to walk me home, I wanted the time with myself just to gather myself up and process what happened, and I also had enough of her for this moment. I said "ok sure". After a moment I tolled her that actually I'm not going home, but rather to the school going to meet a friend there to play the piano. I lied. (For reference, it is like 21:45 now, and I go with that friend sometimes at night to school to play the piano). But I tolled her she can walk me until the school. We got to the school, and she continued with me through the gate. Bruh. She can't be serious. Midway the passage after the gate I did a short stop and acted surprised/confused which all lasted like half a second. She then asked me "oh do you want me to leave?" (in a half joking half offended manner). I tolled her "no, don't stop now, you can't stop in the middle of this nice path. We finished this path, and she continued a bit. Bruh. Nah, now really, I was starting to slow down and be before her. This is already unacceptable. We talked a bit, then we hugged a lot, the are faces were close. Our foreheads touched and then I went for it. We had the first kiss. I felt terrible afterwards, but I'll get to it in just a second. She didn't have a pleasant taste, and also I didn't know how to kiss and I closed my eyes a bit because I just wanted to get it over. Then I hugged her a bit, gave her another kiss on the other half of the lip. And then she asks me: "Why did you say before if  we'll meat again?" I was confused, but eventually I tolled her that I had bad wording. She said she had fun, me too, and then we separated ways. Now look, honestly I feel terrible and I don't know why. Could it be this frustration from earlier that is still lingering? Could it be because I am scared in getting enslaved now to a person and to lose from the freedom that I had? Maybe I didn't feel anything really during the kiss and that's why I feel shitty? (I really didn't feel excited for it). And I feel some pain in my groin, like I lost some energy, as if I just nutted after being on nofap. This is so shit. I am still very confused and I just want the best for myself. Please, I need you to tell me if that is normal, and how to maneuver my situation better. On top of all of those confusions I am actually quite scared. I'm entering a new phase of my life now, going to camp. I am starting a new life, I'm letting go of people and new ones are coming. Man I want to cry. I feel like I'm dying! What the actual fuck. Please, I need you to tell me what in the actual fuck is going on with me. Thanks.