I’m in Hell

[Ilan]

Okay I’m going to reveal a big secret I’m completely ashamed of right now. If Leo reads it, he will call me an irresponsible selfish fuck and he’ll be totally right. Know that if you are going to read this, this is going to be really low consciousness as my consciousness is very very low but it could be insightful not to fall into The trap I felt even though you really have to be irresponsible to fall into that trap and I think in most human beings, pain will stop them from doing that.10month ago after the greatest dark night of the soul of my life( full paranoid psychose, suffering every day, scared that people taking picture of me in the street..  I felt as if when someone took a picture of me, the universe would have some image of me that I do not have the control on and it could backlash at me one day.. anyway, could not support the one little insult without thinking about it24/7 I had never been so vulnerable my whole life and god knows I have been vulnerable my whole life. Also what you have to understand Is that what made me this way is a lot of mushrooms trip( I had them every 4/5days) I did not take time to integrate. I  only had mushroom trips in my life as I’m very concerned about my health and always been scared of research chemicals. (I did lsd twice though) anyway. I should notice I lost also my sweetheart during this time who went with another guy during the first COVID confinement. My heart was bleeding, my brain was bleeding, bleeding from everywhere. I was completely dominated by fear, had bad trips, 2hell trips(the kind of trips that makes you think you’re in hell forever). All my old shadows were coming up at the surface. Then I decided to stop radically mushrooms. And still were in complete fear mode paranoid, could not fonction for 3months..) After this three months, an enormous shift happened, from completely scared, to creative completely fearless. I had never been in such great shape, was very outgoing, did not care what any one thought about me, so charismatic, I felt God putting so much energy within me, like all my chakras was opened. But the problem with me is that anytime, I have an up like that, my ego find a way to use all that power for itself and I’m not wise enough to avoid it. So I felt so good. But still I could feel I had not very much control over all that power. It was already too much for me but decided one day to do mushroom once again as I felt so good naturally. This trip was pure heaven. I think that heroin could not feel as good as this mushroom trip. Complete realization of absolute perfection. I was in heaven, all around me felt so smooth. It felt so cloudy as normally It feels rigid. I was crying so much, I was a fountain of love. Then All I wanted was to share that love with my family but the love was so strong I could feel my love dissolving my ego’s parents and I could feel that it burnt them a little bit too much so I had to retain it even though I had not very much control over it. Then I went to this forum to share my gratitude with Leo Leo as I felt so much love for him(I came as « Uglyroach » on the forum if you want to check..) and more people on the forum showered me with love and I was so receptive to it. Especially one named @dodo who I felt hypnotized me and enlightened me through just what he wrote as I was already hyper receptive, but there, I was reaching a point of madness. I was conscious I was entering madness but I thought it was controlled madness like I had control over my madness but things did not end up there.  You have to understand that at this point. Every words that flowed out of my mouth, every thing I did was pure spontaneity I did not have any mind to say. And one weeks later I did again shrooms in the wood late at night. The greatest experience of my life. Felt like god was fucking me with Lightnings Of love and I communicated with a bird through love, call me delusional or crazy if you want to, I know he felt my love and singed back to me. I came back home exausted but I could not sleep for the next 3days. And one night as I could not sleep I took 125ug of lsd as I though it was nothing, on it the terror came, I felt like I was dying, I was in the wood at 3am and really felt like I was dying. I was so scared. I resisted it, I was shouting in the sky « Nooo ! Plz !! Not now !! No!! I’m not ready !!! No plz!! » but the suffering was so great I surrendered, closed my eyes, thinking I was going to die and everything would disappear, but I just saw like a fireworks of the whole universe realizing that I lived through all beings and was just not death to my surprise. I did not understand what I was supposed to do now I would really have needed guidance but at this point I was banned from actualized.org forum at this point so I came back home, tried to relax took a bath and then when I stoop up from my bath, had an instant terror, my heart bursted in my chest and It felt as the universe or my mind told me « the devil will never go to heaven » I shouted and felt to the ground. I could not move. My parents immediately came down to my bathroom. Opened the door and found me naked on the ground, they tried to talk to me and I was not responding, then I had a little breath, and I told my mum I loved her thinking that I was going to die and stayed without saying anything for 15seconds, I could not say anything, during this time, they called the firemen and I was conscious again when they came home, I told them I was okay did not want to go to hospital but they forced me too. At the hospital, I really told myself, now I need to calm down, stop this bullshits. But then they forced me to have an intraveinous rehydratation as I was there. Did not understand the point at all. Anyway during this, Another idea came to me than no I needed to stop all this bullshits, I need to go alone, stop any contacts with anyone and just meditate. So as I get out of the hospital, I threw my identity card in the trash, went home, did not say a word to my parents and left with 0money . I just felt invincible, on my way, gays guy were approaching me. Having a friendly conversation with them then nicely telling them I had to go. On my way I thought about the girl I love, I realized that one day as she’ll physically die, And my ego told me she’ll realize all I went through and all the love I had for her.(I do not know if it will ever happen though) but I felt so much love in this delusion that I felt completely unstoppable, I started running(I have to mention I was in Paris also..)  I crossed a bridge and realized I was scared of jumping in the water as my greatest fear is drowning. This thought alone was enough to make me face that fear and jump from the bridge ( I know this is mad..) anyway I let myself drown in this water thinking it will be my perfect ending dying by facing my greatest fear but of course failed and came back at the surface.. Ho delusional could I have been thinking I would successfully drown. How could I think I would win against my survival instinct?.. I came back at the surface. Everyone on the bridge was clapping as they were stunt by what just happened. Then I swam and got out of the water. I took of my T shirt as I was so cold. And kept  walking on the street 

[Ilan]

A nice lady gave me a blanket. I accepted it. Then another gay man called me out. We had a nice conversation. He gave me a t shirt. And offer me to sleep in his house to night. I refused as I felt he was expecting something out of me that I would never give him. So I told him I have to leave. Telling him I could give back his T shirt but he insisted for me to keep it. I thanked him with love. Could feel his broken heart and left. Then It was very cold and I entered a night bus to sleep a little. I felt very good as I had finally a little rest. But then I started worrying about my parents and how worried they should feel for me right now. So I decided to come back home, explained them the situation and delay my leaving. I went back home, had a big drama with my family, understandable and tried to sleep a little. The next day, I was going in the north of France with them. They told me it would do me good. I was still very emotionally unstable, crying laughing, sometimes, both at the same time. And could not sleep over there neither. I was going out at night and Entering a state of madness. (I’m tired but will write the continuation later..)

[Ilan]

One night as I was getting out, I was attracted to a beautiful house, in my delusion, I thought I saw a sign of God telling me to go here as if I would find an enlightened guru or something like that so I entered the house, asking questions, the woman got scared, told me to get out, I got out then cried on the ground as I understood I was completely lost. I got out and keep walking. Then a policeman talked to me and as I felt a strong negative energy coming from him, I immediately started running to get out, he tried to catch me but I was faster. Then his colleague was waiting for me on the other way and catched me, they puted handcuffs on me and were pushing on it. The pain was so strong I shouted and cried of pain. They were treating me like trash, as a mad man. I did not think they had bad intention. They told me they’ll bring me to see a doctor so I thought the universe was bringing me there and I was cool on the way even though I had handcuffs on me. I started singing softly to relax, they laughed at me and told me to sing loudly. I did not really care, I did what they told me to do as I like to see people laugh. when we arrived. They told me to sing. I did not understand why so I replied them that I did not want to now. They insisted and I sang. Then they told me « loudly!! » « loudly » and I sang loudly. Then the doctor came, the policeman whispered him something in the ears. Then he showed a needle And intended to inject me something against my will. I told them « no no plz don’t do this to me » « plz !! » « plz do not do this to me » they restrained me and inject me the thing in my butt. Then I felt asleep and woke up in a room without a T shirt. I felt so cold it was torture. I was locked. I shouted for help as my body was so cold nobody replied and it was torture. So I had to find a way. There was a bed without blanket but with plastic around. I ripped it to make a blanket out of it. I was terrified but I would never harm anybody. The doctor came in front of my room and said something like I can’t go in cause you’ll hit me if I do and I could not understand it., then later they told me I would go out .  My parents were coming. I was so glad, so reassured, they came with something to eat and a « juice » as they came to give it to me. I ate and the nurse ordered me to drink my « juice » I drank it really fast and understood that it was still drugs they gave me, I felt asleep. There were in fact no Getting out for me, they lied. Nothing. They ordered my parents to bring me in mental asylum as no doctor even talked to me. I woke up in mental asylum. Won’t enter in detail but they forced me to take amazing amount of drugs, antipsychotic and my body could feel this was poisons, it felt as if before all the energy was flowing threw my body and now, all was locked in me wich created inner super resistance and tortured me. I was in hell, basically I’m in real hell since policemen caught me. But I thought my body would be better when I will get out of the hospital. Not taking this drugs anymore. I was wrong. Since the hospital. My body is completely dysfonctionnal. My state of consciousness has never been so low. It always feels as if all my chakras were locked and it is torture. I want to vomit all day but never do as I try to vomit to feel better. This is physical torture. Moreover the psychological torture of not being able to be here and loving with all the people I love is unbearable. I can not barely get out of bed. I can not live without it anymore. That is why I’m putting it here. If you read that far even though there is no high probability that anyone did. First thanks a lot. Second, I hope I did not contaminate you with my hatred as I’m full of it right now. In the end Leo in one of his video said « you can create a material hell if you want to » and I did a pretty good job at it. I created a hell for myself even worst than a fundamentalist Christian does for him. Worst than a materialist does for him. Their hell are soft. 
of course do not fall into the trap of conspiracy theory. There is no conspiracy theory even though I could sound like that. Just be cautious, not fearful 

[Ilan]

I feel the Universe is making me pay for all this poison that has been put in my body. I would like to scream to the Universe : « it’s not me who put this in my body !! Plz don’t punish me, do you know I was forced? » does the Universe know I’ve been forced all this?

[Ilan]

I feel at this point I’m fucked, I can’t be cured. But there is a little little hope inside me that’s telling me maybe a miracle can happen and heal me. Does anyone have an idea of how I could heal myself ? 

[Ilan]

Juste watched the new video on Leo’s blog and understood the greatest hell of this story is that I feel that my capacity to love was maximize as my health was so great and now I can’t love at all as I’m in constant pain, no creativity at all, all locked in my body