Dealing With The Loss Of A Family Member /loved One- The Enlightened Perspective

[Peace and Love]

Hey Actualized.org Family!!

I was wondering if anyone of you had any information on how to deal with the loss of a loved one or a family member from an enlightenment perspective?  Any advice , books, reading material,  youtube videos,etc. would be great right now!   Experiences they would like to share??

On October 13th of this year I lost my dad to stage 4 colon cancer.  It's been really hard for my mother and I to deal with, especially since I live with my parents. I've had a lot of people pass away in my family before but I wasn't really close to them at all, since I grew up out of state away from the majority of my immediate family. I usually would be like "oh it's ok they're going to a better place, they are no longer in pain any more....lets celebrate the life they lived.....   This way of thinking hasn't worked so well for my dad as much as I wanted it to.  My dad and I never really had the best or close relationship.  After around the age of 6 or 7 years old my dad distanced himself from me and was the primary disciplinarian. He was very harsh and at times down right verbally abusive.   A lot of the things he said to me were very hurtful and drastically effected my depression during childhood and adolescence.  I didn't get to make amends with my dad right before he passed away.  I felt at the time that nothing needed to be said, and I felt that because my dad was dyeing in the hospital it would only aggravate the situation. I spoke with my mom about it before he passed away and she said that she thought that he didn't feel like there was anything wrong, or that anything needed to be said....it was like it was over, the past in the past kind of deal.  Now that he's gone and it's been several weeks I've had my moments where I've had mixed emotions. .... anger, sadness, happy he's in a better place.  I was surprised I was angry because I thought I had let all of this go.  Is this normal to feel this way? ???

I'm also depressed because of both of my parents ill health (My mom had a stress related seizure in August, and my dad being in and out of the hospital every few weeks) made it very hard to focus on my life purpose...helping other people with my hypnosis and reiki business....I was afraid to leave my parents alone. I wanted to make sure I was there to take care of them.  In August I literally found my mother slouched over on a couch and had to call 911.  I don't think I could recall ever being that scared in my life....I thought about the fact that I could be alone soon...I could lose both my parents so quickly......It made me very scared for my future and my well being.

 I let my hypnosis business take a complete nose dive and had to get a side job to support myself.    I'm actually down right embarrassed that I've had to take a huge step backwards with a career move and dream job, but I know that I made the right decisions and my values of putting my family first was what needed to be done.  There was just no way I could run a business, when my dad was in the hospital for two weeks straight, sitting at his bedside, the hospital staff telling me he could die at any time, embracing every moment I could cherish, and not knowing when he would pass on.... It was just so emotionally over bearing.  And I'm not even getting into the really gory details of everything that happened.

I want to move on with my life, I want to focus on my life purpose and enlightenment but I feel so stuck.  I feel like my feet are stuck in quick sand and I want to move but I can't.  I feel so emotionally bombarded.  I've tried crying but it's literally trapped in my body....I can literally feel it in my solar plexus.  I've tried to seek other outlets to get answers and I even went as far as attending a Grief Share Class at my mom's church. They were talking that it could take up to 2 YEARS to deal with this....I don't have that kind of time to put my life on hold.  I want so much to move on.  I crave so much to learn and to have spiritual growth. 

From what I can see and have experienced so far dealing with death is tough because everyone seems to deal with it differently and one day can be completely different from the next.  Sometimes the passing of a loved one can stifle your enlightenment and personal development growth, while for others if done correctly it can be a learning and very positive experience.  It also does not help watching my mother cry either, I just feel so sorry for her.  40 years of a loving marriage gone.

My grandfather is also in the hospital planning to get open heart surgery within the next few days  and they don't expect him to make it either. I just don't need anymore of this....I just want to turn all of these emotions off.  ...

Any advice and support would really help right now....thanks! And many blessings!

Peace and Love

 

[Prabhaker]

28 minutes ago, Peace and Love said:

how to deal with the loss of a loved one

The moment of the death of someone you have loved deeply brings your own death into your mind. The moment of death is a great revelation. It makes you feel impotent and helpless. It makes you feel that you are not. The illusion of being disappears.

Anybody will be shaken because suddenly you see that the ground underneath your feet has disappeared. You cannot do anything. Somebody is dying that you love: you would even like to give your life but you cannot. Nothing can be done; one simply waits in deep impotence.

That moment can make you depressed. That moment can make you sad or that moment can send you on a great journey for truth...a eat journey into the search. What is this life? If death comes and takes it, what is this life? What meaning does it carry if one is so impotent against death? And remember, everybody is on his or her deathbed. After birth everybody is on his deathbed. There is no other way. All beds are deathbeds, because after birth only one thing is certain and that is death.

Somebody dies today, somebody tomorrow and somebody the day after tomorrow: what is the difference basically? Time cannot make much difference. Time can only create an illusion of life but the life that ends in death is not and cannot be the real life. It must be a dream.

Life is authentic only when it is eternal. Otherwise, what is the difference between a dream and what you call your life? In the night, in deep asleep, a dream is as true as anything is, as real – even more real than what you see with open eyes. By the morning it is gone, not even a trace is left. In the morning when you are awake you see it was a dream and not a reality. This dream of life continues for a few years; then suddenly one is awakened and the whole of life proves to be a dream.

Death is a great revelation. If there were no death there would be no religion. It is because of death that religion exists. It is because of death that a Buddha was born. All buddhas are born because of the realization of death.

When you go and sit by the side of a dying person feel sorry for yourself. You are in the same boat, in the same plight. Death will knock on your door any day. Be ready. Before death knocks, come back home. You should not be caught in the middle; otherwise this whole life disappears like a dream and you are left in tremendous poverty, an inner poverty.

Life, real life, never dies. Then who dies? You die. The “I” dies, the ego dies. The ego is part of death; life is not. So if you can be egoless, then there is no death for you. If you can drop the ego consciously, you have conquered death. If you are really aware you can drop it in a single step. If you are not so aware you will have to drop it gradually. That depends on you. But one thing is certain: the ego has to be dropped. With the disappearance of the ego, death disappears. With the dropping of the ego, death is also dropped.

Don’t feel sorry for the dying person, feel sorry for yourself. Let death surround you. Have the taste of it. Feel helpless, impotent. Who is feeling helpless and who is feeling impotent? The ego – because you see you cannot do anything. You would like to help her and you cannot. You would like her to survive but nothing can be done.

Feel this impotence as deeply as possible and out of this helplessness, a certain awareness, a prayerfulness and a meditation will arise. Use the person’s death; t is an opportunity. Use everything as an opportunity.

Be by their side. Sit silently and meditate. Let their death become a pointer to you so that you don’t go on wasting your life. The same is going to happen to you.

[Ayla]

@Peace and Love

You need to feel though those losses. Running away wont help. Let yourself cry and mourn! Life has brought you here to do exactly that! 

The "secret" is to just let whatever you feel, pass through you. It is THAT ""simple"...

 

[Bob84]

@Peace and Love Just be aware of the thoughts and the pain it causes and stop looking for a escape and supressing the thoughts.

My dad also died of cancer. 

[Leo Gura]

@Peace and Love Sorry for your loss.

The solution is to turn into the emotions and feel them fully. But not unconsciously.

See my video: How To Deal With Strong Negative Emotions

There is a conscious way to feel emotions. You can suffer greatly, but as long as you're not running away from it, or distracting yourself, you can let the suffering grow and mature you.

There are also many lessons and insights to have about life from experience of great suffering. Here are a couple to jog your mind:

• Notice that everything is impermanent
• Notice that people who don't actively develop themselves and don't cultivate spiritual connection don't cope well with suffering
• Notice that your life too is short. Use this to clarify your top values and priorities.
• Notice how and why you create suffering or resist certain emotions
• Notice how material attachments create suffering (yes, people are material)
• Notice how great suffering can make you more compassionate for others' suffering
• Etc.

Drawing out such lessons is difficult when you've got a lot on your plate, so don't overwhelm yourself too much. If you're having a crappy day, sometimes you just gotta give yourself some comfort and forget about personal development.

But it's a good idea to keep your meditation habit going every day no matter what, so you've at least got that one period in the day where you can re-ground yourself.

[AlwaysBeNice]

The death of a close loved one can be used for great spiritual growth and will sooner or later be realized as a great gift.

Not only because most people have learned not to feel their emotions and not to show them, as this is a huge suppression of the true self and can create a very unbalanced mind full of confusion and frustration and the shock of such a death can break that pattern and allow for (collective) opening and release, if that doesn't happen then the burden gets heavier and a breakdown is even more likely.

So yes, by all means take (a lot of) time to get in touch with the sadness.

I've also noticed that a lot of the sadness is not actually related to the loss of the physical form of the beloved, but it reminds of the pain we feel because of the separation with our true self in spirit. 

My dad died 6 years ago, some years after that moment I started to learn to become more conscious in this life and in my dreams, which has resulted in having clear amazing contact in dreams and sometimes even contact here consciously. 

I know this is real, I've had one very confirmatory dream experience which I validated in 'real life' and the evidence in general is clear. (www.evidenceforthesoul.weebly.com).

Yet still, often it still touches me deeply when I might feel him in meditation or wake up from a dream, not because I am that sad he isn't here physically, after all, we meet on the regular, but because it reminds me of the free true free self full of unconditional love and free from suppressed emotions, fear and actually least importantly, I think, the physical body. Every time it touches me, it allows for the growth of my being, because it sheds some of the suppression and creates more realization of the true self which I then may re-member.

And contrary to what you might expect, I actually dream more often of him now then I used to do a few years ago. I belief because it's less of such a shock to my system now, whereas otherwise it might be too much of a distraction and too strong of an desire for suicide if you are not settled strongly enough on the path.

Peace and love, you can handle it. 

[Peace and Love]

@Prabhaker

Very wise words my friend.  Very insightful!
It can be easier to watch someone else die and embrace the moments depending upon your awareness , but it is certainly a lot scarier to experience your own. I had a near death experience where I was drugged in a bar two years ago and I would have most likely passed away if it wasn't for the fact I was in such good health because of the way that was I eating.

After watching my dad pass away death seemed a lot less scary to deal with.  I realized I was more concerned about the pain of death rather than death itself.  Once you're dead....you're dead!  There is no more pain. But I can say this from my own personal experience, because I'm a reiki practitioner and I am attuned to energy, I can feel energy and pain on other people's bodies.  When my dad finally decided to take the mask off that was keeping him alive I did Reiki on him while he was taking his last breaths.  He lasted for about 10 minutes, and five minutes in I could literally feel that the pain was completely gone from his body.....yet he was still breathing....  The body is temporary, but the consciousness is eternal.  I've also noticed that pain is perceived.  We can make pain worse because of our subconscious minds and our egos.....It's like you get a paper cut and don't realize that it's there...but then you notice the paper cut and then your perceive pain....and then it starts hurting.  I've even seen it happen on a larger scale in my life.  Even a common cold you can make worse by labeling yourself and telling the ego that you are sick...so the symptoms and the pain is perceived to be a lot worse.

I am very aware that I am an eternal being.  And that everything in life I perceive as good or bad and all I have to do is make that choice. From what I can see it takes time to create this new healthy habit and way of thinking. And my vision is enlightenment, however long it takes for me to achieve, but I don't have to worry about how long it takes, because I have absolute infinity to achieve it!

Time is an illusion.....I don't have a time machine or a tardis to go back to my past.....and the future can never come soon enough...all there is that exists is now.....so embrace what is..and be grateful.




 

[Peace and Love]

@Ayla

On 12/4/2016 at 0:24 AM, Ayla said:

@Peace and Love

You need to feel though those losses. Running away wont help. Let yourself cry and mourn! Life has brought you here to do exactly that! 

The "secret" is to just let whatever you feel, pass through you. It is THAT ""simple"...

 

Crying has been almost impossible for me to do.  I've only cried less than a handful of times since my dad has passed.  I think part of the problem is I view crying as form of weakness, although I've been told continuously that you get physically sick if you hold in your emotions too long.  Crying supposedly has a cleansing effect on the body. 

My problem is I associate crying with depression because of my past experiences from childhood. I feel that I lose control of my body and my emotions and I don't like it. lol   I'm very serious when I say that I can literally feel it in my stomach area (where we hold most of our emotions, the solar plexus) and my throat chakra (the place that holds our communication).   I've cut a lot of people out of my life since I've come home to be with my parents and doing all this enlightenment work.  I just didn't want negativity in my life. or to surround myself with people that would bring me down. I would rather meditate in my room and do reiki on myself than go out with a bunch of people and see them get drunk in a bar...it just doesn't make sense to me.   I think that's part of the problem too! lol  I'm not interacting and reaching out for help.  I don't have to do everything by myself.  I can't lean on my mother either because she has too much on her own to deal with.



 

[sgn]

On 12/4/2016 at 10:02 AM, Leo Gura said:

Notice how material attachments create suffering (yes, people are material)

How does one become less attached to people?
I mean it can feel like you lose everyone when you pursuing enlightenment and identities vanishes.
How to lessen emotional impact?

[Ayla]

2 hours ago, Peace and Love said:

@Ayla

Crying has been almost impossible for me to do.  I've only cried less than a handful of times since my dad has passed.  I think part of the problem is I view crying as form of weakness, although I've been told continuously that you get physically sick if you hold in your emotions too long.  Crying supposedly has a cleansing effect on the body. 

My problem is I associate crying with depression because of my past experiences from childhood. I feel that I lose control of my body and my emotions and I don't like it. lol   I'm very serious when I say that I can literally feel it in my stomach area (where we hold most of our emotions, the solar plexus) and my throat chakra (the place that holds our communication).   I've cut a lot of people out of my life since I've come home to be with my parents and doing all this enlightenment work.  I just didn't want negativity in my life. or to surround myself with people that would bring me down. I would rather meditate in my room and do reiki on myself than go out with a bunch of people and see them get drunk in a bar...it just doesn't make sense to me.   I think that's part of the problem too! lol  I'm not interacting and reaching out for help.  I don't have to do everything by myself.  I can't lean on my mother either because she has too much on her own to deal with.



 

I hear you. I understand. 

The only thing that alleviates depression I've found, is CREATIVITY. DO something with your hands, something material that you can feel and touch and see and smell. 

Be FLEXIBLE with whatever is going on. The secret is in ALLOWING and not in pushing back. You feel like crying? OKAY! CRY! You don't feel like it? Don't! You feel like going out and reaching for help? GO! 

What has helped me also, are videos on youtube about NDE ... and poetry. 

Here's one...

Quote

How is it?
When all the silence is resting on your soul
When you look at flowers not waiting for their perfume
How is life with only love
How is it, there?
Isn't it that the dream cannot last here?
Isn't it that all separations come naturally?
Isn't it that none of us can drop our masks here?
How is it when you finally understand 
that the dream is just a dream?
How is it when
over the horizon
you find other joys and 
How is it when you realize that 
life here is made of clay
and burning longings
Tell me!
How is it?

 

[Peace and Love]

@Bob84

On 12/4/2016 at 3:17 AM, Bob84 said:

@Peace and Love Just be aware of the thoughts and the pain it causes and stop looking for a escape and supressing the thoughts.

My dad also died of cancer. 

I'm so sorry for you loss.

It's so wild how one thought can effect your entire outlook, and your entire day. 

I'm practicing mindfulness right now, it's so interesting .... just sitting  here reflecting I'm like....why am I even getting upset over this?!?  I can't bring him back, and I wouldn't want to.  And I know he wouldn't want me to be sad either.  My dad would want me to be happy, focus on my career and move on.

[Peace and Love]

@Ayla

26 minutes ago, Ayla said:

I hear you. I understand. 

The only thing that alleviates depression I've found, is CREATIVITY. DO something with your hands, something material that you can feel and touch and see and smell. 

Be FLEXIBLE with whatever is going on. The secret is in ALLOWING and not in pushing back. You feel like crying? OKAY! CRY! You don't feel like it? Don't! You feel like going out and reaching for help? GO! 

What has helped me also, are videos on youtube about NDE ... and poetry. 

Here's one...

 

Ayla...you completely read my mind.  I've been painting for the last couple of hours.  Keeping busy has really helped too.   I also have become more strict with my diet and what I have been eating. I've noticed for me personally there is a huge correlation between my physical and emotional health and what I choose to put in my mouth.  I was binge eating on potato chips,  and the large quantities of salt causes me to have panic attacks and random crying jags. Now that I've eliminated the source of my bad eating habits I can not express what a huge turn around it is has been for me.

Here is the painting I've been working on today.  It's an acrylic painting that I started in February of this year, and I just paint whenever I feel the need to.  And when I'm finished painting I just hang it back on my wall in my room like it's finished. lol.

[AlwaysBeNice]

Beautiful!

[Ayla]

@Peace and Love 

 

[Peace and Love]

@AlwaysBeNice

34 minutes ago, AlwaysBeNice said:

Beautiful!

Thanks!

[Ayla]

@Peace and Love

But also..

video-1480431919.mp4

IT can be anything really... yes? ....

 

[WelcometoReality]

@Peace and Love I recommend you writing a letter to your dad where you write about everything in your childhood and your feelings about it. Grieving the loss of someone with that complex history that you seem to have can be hard. You need to unravel all those emotions somehow, a letter may help you do that.

[Peace and Love]

8 hours ago, Ayla said:

 

The only thing that alleviates depression I've found, is CREATIVITY. DO something with your hands, something material that you can feel and touch and see and smell. 

 

 

@Ayla  -  The artistic avenue is working rather well..... This is not a typo...We've completed Christmas Tree number 5 in our house! lol....and we're not done yet!

I got all artistic with the snow....hehe And no that is not a real tree.

It's amazing how there is art all around us and is in everything.  From a painting....to a christmas tree....to the clothes we wear...to the words we speak....everything is beautifully and wonderfully made.

 

[Peace and Love]

6 hours ago, Ayla said:

@Peace and Love

But also..

video-1480431919.mp4

IT can be anything really... yes? ....

 

@Ayla

Wow...you have like the most stunning eyes!  You're mesmerizing.

You reminded me of something though I need to do....I have a phobia of being on camera!!  The best thing to do with getting rid of a phobia, well at least from my experience is to dive right in.  Get your feet wet! I'll have to make a hypnosis video and post it to the forum for you to see!  

I was always deathly afraid of dogs so about a month and a half ago, just a few weeks before my dad went into the hospital, I got a job walking dogs professionally.  The phobia went right out the window!  lol  It was hard to give up my job....dogs are like kids...they really grow on you...and you build that relationship and bond with them.  I didn't want to let them go...I almost cried!

[Peace and Love]

6 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

@Peace and Love I recommend you writing a letter to your dad where you write about everything in your childhood and your feelings about it. Grieving the loss of someone with that complex history that you seem to have can be hard. You need to unravel all those emotions somehow, a letter may help you do that.

@WelcometoReality

That is absolutely the most brilliant idea ever!!!  My mom and I were thinking about writing him Christmas letters, but I like this even better, it would be a great outlet for me to express some of my emotions.    I also found out recently after he passed away that he was BI-POLAR, which explains a lot of the random anger and mood swings that never made any sense to me as a child.  It certainly doesn't alleviate everything that he did, but it definitely softens the blow.  I'm going to have to do some serious forgiveness work here.