Ex best friend who is a mom cut all contacts with me

[somegirl]

I initiated contact with her for every occasion (her announcing pregnancy, engagement, marriage, birthday) just because I want to be polite for the fact that we used to be very very close friends.

However, in the back of my mind I felt it was very one-sided and I noticed that she puts no effort into convicning me that she also wants to maintain some kind of contact with me. When it was my birthday, she finally could initiate contact and prove to me that she is interested in maintaining friendly relations with me, however, I have received nothing and I have no understanding for it.

Why? Because I see that she has the time to post about her baby on social media, multiple times a day, but she doesn't have 1 minute taken out of her day to send a message to her ex best friend, on a special occasion, that only happens once a year? And we used to be "BFFs".

Is this understandable from your POV? Like, is being a parent really a valid excuse for this kind of neglectful behaviour?

I understand that once you have a kid, priorities change and I hear new parents often isolate themselves from all their friends, but is this really a rule? Is it bound to happen? 

Edited August 23, 2021 by somegirl

[RickyFitts]

Having kids is definitely a culture-shock, it turns your whole life upside down (not that I've actually got kids myself, I should say, but it's the impression I get). Still, though, you'd hope she'd still remember your birthday, if you were such close friends. Was it an equal relationship, would you say, was there equal love and respect between the two of you? I experienced a similar sort of thing with my best friend, though that really wasn't an equal relationship and I was happy to be free of him, quite frankly.

[mandyjw]

How old is the baby? 

[somegirl]

20 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

How old is the baby? 

Few months old.

[somegirl]

59 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

Having kids is definitely a culture-shock, it turns your whole life upside down (not that I've actually got kids myself, I should say, but it's the impression I get). Still, though, you'd hope she'd still remember your birthday, if you were such close friends. Was it an equal relationship, would you say, was there equal love and respect between the two of you? I experienced a similar sort of thing with my best friend, though that really wasn't an equal relationship and I was happy to be free of him, quite frankly.

Tbh I wouldn't care so much about it if I didn't see that she actually does have some time to post to social media, but not for a message?

And to answer your question, I don't know. We both had strong personalities so we would sometimes argue, but at the times when we didn't argue, we were pretty close. We even went to vacation together. But tbh, I felt even then that she wasn't all in. I remember one time her telling me that she doesn't think our friendship will survive after high school (we met there for the first time). At the time I felt that was weird thing to say, because if we both care about this friendship, it will last no matter what. 

I mean I still have some friends from elementary school. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by somegirl

[mandyjw]

I would reach out to her and ask her how she is without occasion as an excuse. She was probably flooded with messages at the times of those occasions. I know when I had my first kid I certainly felt isolated but I thought people were doing it to me. I couldn't imagine my friends wanted to waste their time with me anymore because I was so tied down with the baby.  I used to think of myself as the life of the party, always there when someone needed something, now I had to put my son first, and couldn't accept any new role. With the identity crisis and sleep deprivation it's a very disorienting time. She may be envisioning you as having an exciting life and not wanting anything to do with her anymore. She may be jealous. Or she may be so busy she may not have given it any thought. You never know. Either way, do what feels right to you, if you feel maintaining the friendship enhances your life and contacting her makes you feel better, do it. With long-standing friendships we often bring in a boatload of expectations and then there is hurt when they aren't met. Sometimes a reset period, though painful is beneficial to the relationship. 

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, somegirl said:

Is this understandable from your POV? Like, is being a parent really a valid excuse for this kind of neglectful behaviour?

It is for her.

I think you are being entitled to your friendship. She does not seem to be interested anymore, and she does not have to give you a written notice that your friendship has expired. Why get angry over it?

[somegirl]

13 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

I would reach out to her and ask her how she is without occasion as an excuse. She was probably flooded with messages at the times of those occasions. I know when I had my first kid I certainly felt isolated but I thought people were doing it to me. I couldn't imagine my friends wanted to waste their time with me anymore because I was so tied down with the baby.  I used to think of myself as the life of the party, always there when someone needed something, now I had to put my son first, and couldn't accept any new role. With the identity crisis and sleep deprivation it's a very disorienting time. She may be envisioning you as having an exciting life and not wanting anything to do with her anymore. She may be jealous. Or she may be so busy she may not have given it any thought. You never know. Either way, do what feels right to you, if you feel maintaining the friendship enhances your life and contacting her makes you feel better, do it. With long-standing friendships we often bring in a boatload of expectations and then there is hurt when they aren't met. Sometimes a reset period, though painful is beneficial to the relationship. 

I see. To be honest I'm done with her. Our past few conversations were all initiated by me. I feel stupid now. I have no interest in maintaining even this small strain of contact we had cause I see that she doesn't even care to put even a little effort. She had her chance.

From your story, I see how chaotic and absolutely draining this can be, but when I see her having time to post about her baby on social media multiple times a day, why not taking some of that time to text a friend who you used to be close with?? You see what I mean? 

[somegirl]

7 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I think you are being entitled to your friendship. She does not seem to be interested anymore, and she does not have to give you a written notice that your friendship has expired. Why get angry over it?

Cause we used to be very close, and it's only a form of decency and politeness to at least text each other on special occasions, if anything. But she is not willing to do even that so I'm obviously done.

[tsuki]

Just now, somegirl said:

Cause we used to be very close, and it's only a form of decency and politeness to at least text each other on special occasions, if anything.

I get the dream of being friends for life, and growing out of it is painful. Realize that friendships are mostly circumstantial - you have a common goal that binds you and closeness develops in other areas of life. But when the goal expires, the closeness fades away with time. It is not enough to poke each other with a text twice a year to sustain it. Were the two of you friends in school, or at work? What common goal was there that is not here anymore?

[mandyjw]

4 minutes ago, somegirl said:

From your story, I see how chaotic and absolutely draining this can be, but when I see her having time to post about her baby on social media multiple times a day, why not taking some of that time to text a friend who you used to be close with?? You see what I mean? 

So with my first kid I got hit with postpartum depression and a ton of anxiety and sleep deprivation. A new window we installed randomly cracked and when I saw it I lost it. I flipped over furniture and smashed several things in the house. There were plenty of cute pictures on Facebook for people to see. No one knew.

Second kid, I discovered mindfulness techniques. It stopped worrying about SIDS and co-slept with her. Seeing her, the smell of her head was euphoric. No depression whatsoever. Not as many pictures on Facebook, once in a while. 

You get my point, I hope. 

[somegirl]

34 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

So with my first kid I got hit with postpartum depression and a ton of anxiety and sleep deprivation. A new window we installed randomly cracked and when I saw it I lost it. I flipped over furniture and smashed several things in the house. There were plenty of cute pictures on Facebook for people to see. No one knew.

Second kid, I discovered mindfulness techniques. It stopped worrying about SIDS and co-slept with her. Seeing her, the smell of her head was euphoric. No depression whatsoever. Not as many pictures on Facebook, once in a while. 

You get my point, I hope. 

I understand what you're trying to say. And also glad you learnt to cope a lot better with the second kid, that must have felt amazing given how hard it was the first time.
Though with all that said, even though I understand she probably goes through such a shock because of huge change that kid brings, I don't feel comfortable to "beat a dead horse". I think this friendship is over and it will stay that way unless she approaches me sometime in the future (maybe once a kid becomes independent). Though I will probably move on until that happens. 

 

35 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I get the dream of being friends for life, and growing out of it is painful. Realize that friendships are mostly circumstantial - you have a common goal that binds you and closeness develops in other areas of life. But when the goal expires, the closeness fades away with time. It is not enough to poke each other with a text twice a year to sustain it. Were the two of you friends in school, or at work? What common goal was there that is not here anymore?

This was insightful. This was definitely the case for me and this friend. We were friends in high school, but since I have long term friendships with people I met even in elemetary school, I thought this has a potential to last even when we finish high school. But pretty much as soon as we finished high school, we quickly figured that we don't have same interest. She prioritized her romantic relationship over hanging out in a club with bunch of friends and me, so over time this friendship became weak. We were only hearing from each other for our birthdays. Now that she has a baby, that stopped as well. So I guess this friendship served its purpose. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by somegirl

[RickyFitts]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

So I guess this friendship served its purpose. 

Yeah, I reckon you might be right. Her behaviour might still trigger certain feelings in you, which would be understandable, and that's fine too - these sorts of situations can help us become aware of issues within us that might have remained unconscious otherwise.

[hamedsf]

excuse is excuse. if she acts or says she is busy it means she doesn't wanna make time for (you) but at the same time she has free time for others!

she kinda wants to forget all about her ex. that's why subconsciously she wants to ignore you too. 

basically, I wouldn't make it further if somebody comes up with excuses. so let her go like you have never before! ?