I can't believe it got this dark. HELP

[Martynas777]

Ok, so I think I'm going through "dark night" stage of spiritual awakening... Basically, when I started meditating and studying spirituality, shit was awesome. It took me about 2 weeks to get my first hits of higher consciousness, I felt amazing. The world looked at least 5 times better than before. I felt way more connected to what felt like "source energy". 

Well, I'm only like 2 weeks in this and I made so much progress already, how far can I go? At first I was doing about 30 minutes of basic meditation per day, but then I discovered this "strong determination sitting" technique. When I did it for the first time, it was simply amazing. After that, my "spiritual gains" stopped. I did 1 to 3 hours of strong determination sitting a day for a couple of months and couldn't get any further. I got used to this slightly elevated state and it felt regular. Still felt pretty good, but honeymoon was over.

So, after those months of strong determination sitting, reading quite a bit of different spiritual books and watching lots of Leo's and other similair youtubers, one day I got hit by this sense of darkness. It was strange, I was wondering what this is, because I've never felt anything like it. Day after day, this sense of darkness got stronger and stronger, and I felt way worse than ever before for no reason and felt 100% disconnected from "source energy". After some weeks, I started having very intense panic attacks everyday multiple times a day for weeks. I realized that I know absolutely nothing about this reality and existence itself started looking very scary to me.

I got over my panic attacks, but this super deep darkness and depression didn't go away. I don't have an opinion about anything anymore, no energy, physical existence feels extremely dull and dark, even the most "stimulating" stuff. I'm only 17, but it feels like I already lived in this body for hundreds of years, it feels like my brain doesn't want to experience physical reality anymore. I went to one of the best psychologists in my country, he's 70 years old, working since 1985, has buddha's statues all over his desk and shit, and after a couple of visits, he admitted that he has no idea how he can help me. He told me that it would be a good idea to see an exorcist, I did that, but he didn't find anything.

I'm extremely drained right now, hard headaches, can barely function, sleeping for 15 hours, waking up more tired... Everything takes 10 times more willpower to do. I checked a lot of things that could be wrong with my health, even checked my testosterone levels, everything was perfect... I'm taking 20mg of prozac for some weeks now, but it does absolutely nothing.

I think it is dark night of the soul... Everyone who talks about this says that the only way to deal with this is to surrender and wait it out. Is this all I can do? It seems like this "state" will never end. I'm in it for about 5-6 months now.

[Nahm]

@Martynas777

It’s not what you’re doing per se, which is causing this, it’s the way you’ve framed up the path, the practice, and spirituality as a whole. It’s a letting go, not a progressing, an advancing, or as you say, quotes or not… gains. A dark night is not happening to you, it’s how you’re lookin at it / thinkin about it.  

Proper meditation is the utter opposite of focusing on the thought narrative of a you getting your ‘hits of higher consciousness’, or ‘how far you can go’. Listen to that source energy when it is subtle, well before it is yelling (panic attacks), and definitely long before chronic dis ease. 

You is not a thing in a state, so that self referential thought indeed feels very off. 

‘Waiting out’ these ways of thinking about a yourself is the stark opposite of a surrendering of these discordant thoughts & perspectives which do not serve you in any way which is why you felt better before. 

5-6 months of this? I feel for you man, really. It’s tragic. 

[Waken]

Sounds heavy. My thoughts on it, let go, let go, let go, allow, allow, allow. Let go of trying to find answers or solutions and chose to focus on what feels best. What can you do now that feels best? That has the most sense of pleasantless, relaxation, ease, relief, etc. to it? Or in other words, be gentle and kind with yourself. Allow yourself to follow that trail and very soon you find yourself doing much better again. Being at ease and content is never far away, but just around the corner.

Edited August 21, 2021 by Waken

[Martynas777]

@Nahm Thanks. Yeah my approach was pretty unhealthy, but I understood that Enlightenment usually requires lots of discipline and practice, emotional investment... By "hits of higher consciousness" I meant slightly closer to I AM. 

Edited August 21, 2021 by Martynas777

[Endangered-EGO]

@Martynas777 You got this technique from shinzen Young? Go into the facebook group: "Shinzen Young Mindfullness community"

 

Usually SDS is not the only practice that is done. I guess now you will have to "recycle the reaction". Empty the reaction of its substance.

 

I feel you, I had to go through DP/DR and also in some way what you describe.

 

I remember feeling intense despair every day until one day my emotional Body was filled with despair in inch of my body. Then it went away and never came back.

Wtf is wrong with that psychologist, every good mindfulness teacher knows what you're going through, and can guide you. You don't need an exorcist, but a teacher.

 

But hey, congratulations. You're in for a ride for a few months, but if you're properly guided, you're going to have the best time of your life!

[Gabith]

I feel for you

 

Maybe trying to bring love to everything that is arising in you will help you !

 

[Martynas777]

@Endangered-EGO thanks.

[Johnny Galt]

@Martynas777 If you can, I would go find a native/indiginous shaman, a real shaman. They deal with this sort of thing. 

[Johnny Galt]

@Martynas777 Salt baths I find, they also help with this sort of thing. As well I would clean out your diet.

[Martynas777]

@Gabith Wow... This guy is the shit... Thanks.

[Breakingthewall]

@Martynas777  i think it is the dark night. You see that the egoic is nothing, and you turn to the spiritual, but you also do not reach an opening in which you really taste the truth, so what is left for you? nothing. and nothing is depressing. and more with 17! If I were you I would leave the prozac and continue to deepen. You have already started, I doubt that there is going back. courage and dissolve the ego

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Martynas777 said:

@Nahm Thanks. Yeah my approach was pretty unhealthy, but I understood that Enlightenment usually requires lots of discipline and practice, emotional investment... By "hits of higher consciousness" I meant slightly closer to I AM. 

That’s alright though. Let the past be passed. Trade that ‘understanding’ for the sweet relief of regular ol’ not knowing. I have a hunch you’ll inevitably ‘directly experience’ the actuality of not knowing appearing as all ‘knowing’, as in a knower knowing x, y or z. And just a suggestion, but don’t wait’ll it gets so damn dark next time. If somethin feels off, it is off. 

And there’s no getting closer to the I am. This is the misnomer of the progresser, achiever, obtainer mindset. Each ‘step toward’ is thinking, and is unequivocally always a step away from feeling, from source, from the I am. I get it though, nobody wants to just meditate every morning and enjoy life. Gots ta get that enlightenment. The tortoise & the hare though. 

Also, to flip the mental paradigm… ‘the dark’ is always getting a bad wrap, but it’s the real deal. It’s the light which is only apparent. Going by the picture, you might be trying to apply efforting, doing, etc, that has worked well in matters of life, to your path. When it is said consciousness, as in ‘your consciousness’ is expanding, this is what it points to. You know the ‘getting it done’ facet of living obviously. The motivation, the dedication. Now expand by deeply letting go, deep relaxation, allowing thought to appear and disappear, etc. I don’t mean in a summarizing way, I mean, for example, in one day you might let go in a morning meditation profoundly peacefully deep, and kick as lifting, or vice versa. Inspiration… with that motivation & dedication… psh… forgettaboutit. Unstoppable. 

[Endangered-EGO]

https://youtu.be/9zIKQCwDXsA

 

https://youtu.be/BQ5B70ac_9M

 

 

Watch all of those 3.

 

I believe this is the direct and fastest way out of it.

 

Shinzen Young was the only one that could make sense of my experience, I just wish I found him earlier, when I needed it most.

 

[Martynas777]

You guys are saving "my" ass. 

[Gabith]

I Love You

[Endangered-EGO]

@Martynas777 feel free to pm me if you have questions.

Have fun, and trust the process.