I can't believe it got this dark. HELP

[Martynas777]

Ok, so I think I'm going through "dark night" stage of spiritual awakening... Basically, when I started meditating and studying spirituality, shit was awesome. It took me about 2 weeks to get my first hits of higher consciousness, I felt amazing. The world looked at least 5 times better than before. I felt way more connected to what felt like "source energy". 

Well, I'm only like 2 weeks in this and I made so much progress already, how far can I go? At first I was doing about 30 minutes of basic meditation per day, but then I discovered this "strong determination sitting" technique. When I did it for the first time, it was simply amazing. After that, my "spiritual gains" stopped. I did 1 to 3 hours of strong determination sitting a day for a couple of months and couldn't get any further. I got used to this slightly elevated state and it felt regular. Still felt pretty good, but honeymoon was over.

So, after those months of strong determination sitting, reading quite a bit of different spiritual books and watching lots of Leo's and other similair youtubers, one day I got hit by this sense of darkness. It was strange, I was wondering what this is, because I've never felt anything like it. Day after day, this sense of darkness got stronger and stronger, and I felt way worse than ever before for no reason and felt 100% disconnected from "source energy". After some weeks, I started having very intense panic attacks everyday multiple times a day for weeks. I realized that I know absolutely nothing about this reality and existence itself started looking very scary to me.

I got over my panic attacks, but this super deep darkness and depression didn't go away. I don't have an opinion about anything anymore, no energy, physical existence feels extremely dull and dark, even the most "stimulating" stuff. I'm only 17, but it feels like I already lived in this body for hundreds of years, it feels like my brain doesn't want to experience physical reality anymore. I went to one of the best psychologists in my country, he's 70 years old, working since 1985, has buddha's statues all over his desk and shit, and after a couple of visits, he admitted that he has no idea how he can help me. He told me that it would be a good idea to see an exorcist, I did that, but he didn't find anything. 

I'm extremely drained right now, hard headaches, can barely function, sleeping for 15 hours, waking up more tired... Everything takes 10 times more willpower to do. I checked a lot of things that could be wrong with my health, even checked my testosterone levels, everything was perfect... I'm taking 20mg of prozac for some weeks now, but it does absolutely nothing.

I think it is dark night of the soul... Everyone who talks about this says that the only way to deal with this is to surrender and wait it out. Is this all I can do? It seems like this "state" will never end. I'm in it for about 5-6 months now.

 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2021 by Martynas777

[Ilan]

It will pass, just endure the pain, and let go of wanting to find an energetic state. Tell yourself that if you feel this way for the rest of your life it’s okay(it won’t) when you face things like this the mistake is to do a big mistake(taking Prozac is on of them, if you started recently stop it now) 

thrust that you’ll have a big up in the futur but do not wait for it. Maybe change your alimentation, try to understand what the universe is telling you to do here, what you might have done wrong. 

[Martynas777]

@Ilan thanks. My training and nutrition is on point. It would be even worse if it wasn't.

[Anirban657]

53 minutes ago, Martynas777 said:

It took me about 2 weeks to get my first hits of higher consciousness, I felt amazing.

@Martynas777 First of all increasing your level of consciousness is not a “hit” like hit of pleasure or high. And it has nothing to do with feeling amazing. You can become more aware of your inner states and emotions but it’s not a drug.

It looks like you are pursuing a high or hits of pleasure or feelings. Consciousness is none of those. 
 

57 minutes ago, Martynas777 said:

Well, I'm only like 2 weeks in this and I made so much progress already, how far can I go? 

What progress did you make? What did you realise?

 

57 minutes ago, Martynas777 said:

At first I was doing about 30 minutes of basic meditation per day, but then I discovered this "strong determination sitting" technique. When I did it for the first time, it was simply amazing. After that, my "spiritual gains" stopped. I did 1 to 3 hours of strong determination sitting a day for a couple of months and couldn't get any further. I got used to this slightly elevated state and it felt regular. Still felt pretty good, but honeymoon was over.

Again you ramped up the meditation from 30mins to 3hours because your “spiritual gains” stopped. What spiritual gains are you referring to? And just because you stopped getting the “spiritual gains” why would you jump from 30 mins to 3hours?

 

1 hour ago, Martynas777 said:

Day after day, this sense of darkness got stronger and stronger, and I felt way worse than ever before for no reason and felt 100% disconnected from "source energy".

I would tell you to stop the meditation for a few days and see if your condition improves.

1 hour ago, Martynas777 said:

I went to one of the best psychologists in my country, he's 70 years old, working since 1985, has buddha's statues all over his desk and shit, and after a couple of visits, he admitted that he has no idea how he can help me. He told me that it would be a good idea to see an exorcist, I did that, but he didn't find anything. 

Do you have family members? Spend time with them and get out of your house and enjoy life and stop meditation for a few days. 
 

Also read books on meditation from Leo’s Book list or best selling books on meditation. Read about the dark night of the soul. 
 

I am saying this because I also take Prozac and I have been through some tough psychologically disturbing episodes due to excessive meditation. 
 

I am not discouraging your pursuit of Truth and consciousness. I am saying make sure you are not chasing the wrong thing like a sense of pleasure or high without even being aware.

Take care!

[Zigzag Idiot]

@Martynas777 Looks like good advice from @Ilan and @Anirban657

Another possibility to consider is you’re in a extended kundalini awakening. In a dark night episode years ago, and there was more than one, I stumbled into  Jana Dixon’s book Kundalini of Biology. I’ll paste a possibly relevant excerpt from her work below. This might provide you with more resources if you think this may be a possibility.

 

“Seems to me that after experiences of radical expansion and extreme euphoria, we tend to compare the difference between where we were in mystic revelry and the condition most of us live in—it is then that extreme cathartic anguish occurs as we mourn the sorry state of our collective human condition. This is one of the hyperbolic curves that occur during the first stages of the alchemy, especially if the realization is around ones family situation. After time I suppose our compassion takes on a lighter air as our own physicality loses its dross and heavy nature and our faith becomes unconditional...ie: detached from worldly appearances. The evolution of faith probably goes from blind faith, to informed faith, to unconditional faith. But it's doubtful that any of us can proceed in this development without periods of the obscuring or loss of faith, for we have to die to our former stage of faith to move onto the next.

Usually what bought us to this impasse is the pull of the heart and psychic intuition and profound spiritual illuminations. So to be plunged into space where we can no longer rely on our conditioning, and Spiritual illumination seems to have left us can constitute an extended period of dark night--usually about 5 years as the body recovers from the extreme chemistry of the peak. This is the period in which spiritual practice, sangha and 'listening' to Spirit for understanding, meaning and direction is most important.

We feel as sense of loss during the exhaustion phase when we have lost our "magic" and extrasensory abilities and are back down, perhaps even more mortal than we were prior to our awakening. We all have to come down. This loss feels like losing oneself, ones lover, ones muse, ones God. The difference is shocking and if we do not work manually to rejuice ourselves then life feels like it's not really worth living. What was given to us by Grace, must now be won by discipline and hard work.”

From https://www.biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=Die-off.html

This is a chapter from a free ebook.

[Martynas777]

@Zigzag Idiot That' very insightful... Thanks.