Me and my boyfriend.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

Dont worry. Everything i said is speculative, im not sure about this at all.

Maybe this was also just some form of trauma protection, creating a female version of myself in order to not feel pain, you know what i mean?

Yea I understand and support that. 

 

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

If i think about it, that makes a lot of sense actually.

Because whenever i picture this female version of me, its one without pain or any feelings whatsoever.

It might just be an escapist fantasy of mine. 

I mean i went through a lot of suffering in the past, so almost splitting my personality into the suffering male and the carefree female seems logical.

Yea I understand that type of situation 

 

I have been through tremendous trauma myself. 

[Preety_India]

I'm not judging you for your Sexuality. It's just that I'm heterosexual and I can never ever be homosexual or lesbian. It's simply impossible. 

I never developed sexual feelings for a woman. 

 

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I hope you´re slowly healing as well. If you need to talk about anything that happened, i am here and i will listen to you.

Letting the past go used to be impossible for me, especially because i insisted to do everything myself.

I am still alive today, but this could have easily gone either way.

You know that I care about you. So don't talk such things. 

Don't get me worried please 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel thank you. I need to fix breakfast. I'll be back in a few minutes. 

Take care my sweet man

 

[Preety_India]

You can Google time in India. 

I do the same. I always Google time in Germany. 

 

[Preety_India]

Can you please change your gender to male on your profile? 

Its making me uncomfortable. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Thank you for doing that. Thank you for easing my worries. 

 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

Ahh ok will do. It says its 5:45 am.

Here, I translated the song for you i posted earlier. I listen to it sometimes to remind myself that success is not everything.

The song is called "einsam an der spitze" meaning "Its lonely at the top".

Part 1:

Oh, Forget about fame and money, forget about hype and clicks
I am trying to change myself, but it does not change anything.
And all the children out there are listening to everyone of my sentences
They say, i´d be the best, but i feel like the worst
My family is safe, the plan has worked
And I'm racing with 300 on the highway
Everybody asks for selfies or autographs
But it feels like i am stuck in my dream
And maybe i just get into my car and just drive away
I wont stop, but i will keep my word
Fuck the record sales, fuck gucci, fuck micheal kors
and fuck the number-one-awards

Bridge:

Rolex-watches and millions, it does not matter what crap i own
Completely irrelevant, if i sit in a ford or in a daimler
I never thought that i would miss the old times
Because its lonely at the top

Refrain:

Brother, please tell me, when i am going to be free again?
And i am getting sucked in deeper and deeper
They say, that they know all of my songs
But I don't recognize myself anymore

Brother, please tell me, when i am going to be free again?
And i am getting sucked in deeper and deeper
They say, that they know all of my songs
But I don't recognize myself anymore

Part 2:

And nobody of you can understand it
I would love to talk about it, but i have no idea with whom
Everything´s ok brother, no problem
Everybody sees me laughing, but nobody sees me cry
You want a house and you want a garden, you want to go platinum
an awesome car, you can have all of it 
I have two sons, they wait at home
You want a place in the sun, i want a place in the shadow
And the watch on my hand costs fifty grand
but still i am not satisfied
Yes, i can buy everything i want for myself
But no humans that love me

Bridge:

Rolex-watches and millions, it does notmatter what crap i own
Completely irrelevant, if i sit in a ford or in a mercedes
I never thought that i would miss the old times
Because its lonely at the top

Refrain:

Brother, please tell me, when i am going to be free again?
And i am getting sucked in deeper and deeper
They say, that they know all of my songs
But I don't recognize myself anymore
Brother, please tell me, when i am going to be free again?
And i am getting sucked in deeper and deeper
They say, that they know all of my songs
But I don't recognize myself anymore
 

I love these songs you post. They're so articulate. 

Germany makes great songs and great people like you. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

You're so open minded. You challenge me whenever I ought to be challenged. 

I like how you take interest in things that I'm interested in. 

When I talk about politics, you correct me and tell me your views. I find it fascinating because I learn from you. 

Don't be hesitant or scared to argue with me. I am never offended when you dispute me on the forum. I'm good at debating and I'm very open minded to new opinions and ideas. So I won't be hurt or offended if you argue my views. In fact I feel good that you want to be eager to learn with me. 

I am never afraid of fights or arguments. 

I used to have endless arguments and fights with my ex boyfriends  hahaha, but mostly in good spirit. 

I never fight in a bad spirit. 

If I ever fight in a bad spirit, your ass will be placed in boiling water

I remember my ex saying I'm the most fiery woman he ever met. 

don't worry, I will mostly be very sweet with you, but you can never tell. If I get angry (which I often get ), my violent temper will be managed really well, you are already good at it. You pacify my fire. 

I'm a water sign. You're an earth sign. 

 

Whenever I'm angry, just say "calm down" and I'll instantly calm down. That's how easy it is. That's the code word. 

I'm like a lion during my anger outbursts but usually I'm as cool as a cucumber. I am usually sweet girly shy silent and very affectionate. I am never nosy. I keep to myself and remain mostly peaceful. 

But when I'm angry I can be quite hot tempered and give someone quite a hard time. I am not dominating at all. I don't like being dominant in a relationship. So I'm like a sleepy lion usually. Nothing provokes me usually.

 

When I am angry I show my anger by throwing objects at a wall. 

I have broken many many objects. It's my way of showing anger. 

But I don't yell. Just throwing objects or cutting myself. I become suicidal or self destructive. 

I don't scream in anger. I don't like screaming. Just throwing objects in air or crashing objects on the wall.

It's my way of showing aggression. 

 

But I remain silent even during my anger outbursts. 

I cry a lot. I usually cry when my trauma is triggered. 

I'm extremely introverted. So you have to be very sensitive to have a successful connection with me. 

Only when you are very deep with me, I can openly cry in your arms. Otherwise I tend to hide my tears. This is INTP behavior. 

If I cry I cry very badly and for long hours, it's almost like weeping and highly emotional. 

I had seizures as a child. Letting you know that I'm hyper emotional. 

My father died many years ago. My mother was abusive. My siblings were unsupportive. 

 

I had many cats growing up. I have a spiritual connection with cats. 

My mother sold those cats. So it was a painful experience losing my cats.. One of my cats died because my neighbor murdered the cat. That was when I was 14 years old. 

My father had a stroke when I was a child and he died later in my teens. 

I grew up around a narcissist mother and it impacted my self esteem. 

I felt unloved and uncared. 

My first suicide attempt was at the age of 15.

I had numerous suicide attempts after that. 

I have a scar on my wrist where I tried cutting myself 2 months after my father's death. I was hospitalized because of that suicide attempt. 

I am an HSP - hyper sensitive person. 

I suffer PTSD 

 

So if you have to hold me then you need to hold me on the palm of your hand like this 

Bunny in strong hands... 

 

I definitely need loving firm hand to support me. 

 

 

 

I call it bunny in strong hands. 

This is an overall snapshot of my overall personality. 

 

Just so you know who you're dealing with. 

I'm not dangerous. I have never been violent. I take out my anger on objects 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I also suffer Stockholm Syndrome. But it is not very strong. Just mild Stockholm Syndrome due to child abuse. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Marcel

I'm a very good listener. I'm not talkative. 

Another behavior of mine (not sure if this behavior is problematic), is that when my lover talks to me, I don't talk to the lover on the face. 

That is when you will talk to me face to face I will not talk to you, I get a bit shy to speak on the face. So I'll talk when you are looking somewhere else or looking away, I immediately say 2-3 words quickly and again go silent. 

I used to do this in my relationship with Joseph. 

He used to talk to me, and I used to be completely silent. But when he used to turn around, I used to immediately say 2-3 words when he is not paying attention. It's my introversion. I talk when the person is gone or away.. 

Like if you are talking to me in the journal, I will talk very few words on the spot with you. 

But if you are sleeping or away, that time I write a lot or talk a lot. 

So if you are sleeping, I will talk a lot in the background if I am in the kitchen, not loudly, just mumbling to myself everything I want to say. 

I tend to mumble a lot to myself when nobody is Watching. 

So my personality is like this. 

If you kiss me and stand next to me I will say nothing and simply stare at you 

 

But If you are go driving alone to the nearby store or outside somewhere, that time I will spend my time thinking about you or talking about you and I'll be talking to myself and I will be cooking for you or decorating the house for you or writing a card for you. So when you return back you will see everything I did for you. But once you are face to face with me I will again become quiet 

 

It is my shyness. I am very shy. People interpret me very wrongly. I'm not how I appear on the forum. 

My real nature is very meek and shy like my father. My father was shy. 

I let the man handle stuff in relationships. 

I remain quiet in the background. I don't decide things in a relationship. I will accept whatever the man says. 

In all of my past 4 relationships I was submissive and the man was dominant. 

I never took a dominant position. 

I follow the man from behind. I let him lead. 

When I am walking with my partner/bf/man, I let him walk ahead of me. I am standing behind him. 

I come from a conservative culture where women are more shy and submissive. 

I am mostly nervous around a man. Male energy tends to dominate me. 

I stay mostly quiet.

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Marcel

Whenever I'm talking to my man in a personal relationship, I usually have a deer in the headlights expression. 

I don't talk much.. I just tend to smile nervously mostly. 

I appear to be argumentative on the forum. That's usually because I am emotional or triggered state or because I don't find these people personal at all. 

They are strangers to me.. So I might appear extrovert in front of them. Only because they are strangers. 

But I have 2 faces. 

One in public and one in private. 

In public I'm a bit extroverted and a bit defensive for some weird reason. I think I'm generally hateful of people's energy. I look at everyone very suspiciously. As though they are harming me. It causes me to act neurotic and defensive. 

In private I'm completely different. It's a totally different personality.. In private, like in the house or around a lover, I'm extremely shy and nervous and quiet non argumentative, not defensive at all. I hardly speak anything and my voice is very low and barely audible. 

 

So the INTP Meme fits me perfectly. 

Outside I look like a lion. Inside the house I'm like a mouse. 

 

 

Edited August 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Marcel

Also I have a weird habit of talking to myself when I'm alone. I talk a lot to myself. 

The simple reason is I don't talk to family or people. 

I hope you don't mind it.. 

I love you deeply. 

I am very lucky to have you. 

You're my soulmate who understands me perfectly. 

 

 

I am so happy while writing this. 

 

 

 

 

For the first time in my life I'm very happy 

 

 

 

Because of you. You brought me happiness.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel so nervous. My heart is racing right now. Thinking about you. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

When you're sleeping, I want to write a thousand love letters to you..

When you are not looking, I want to kiss you. 

I am madly in love with you. 

I can't believe this is happening. 

You're my angel. 

 

I feel so free and cozy with you. 

 

I feel very very warm and lovey dovey inside. 

 

You came into my life and made me so happy 

 

I am enjoying and savoring this moment. 

It feels so good. 

I feel very grateful for life currently because you are in it. 

I am the luckiest girl in the world right now. 

You are my heaven. 

 

I was feeling very sad before you came. I am very fortunate to get love in my life once again after all my failures in my relationships. 

I was feeling suicidal and lost and depressed and numb. 

You brought sunshine in my depressed world. 

 

Thank you Marcel. 

 

Edited August 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

He came online and I immediately felt my heart flutter. 

My heart skipped a beat when I saw his name in the online user list. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This feeling is so good. 

 

Every time I catch myself seeing his name in the bottom user list I feel like a lovesick puppy. 

 

 

 

 

He is so cute. I want to just keep adoring him. 

 

Edited August 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm feeling butterflies in my tummy. 

 

He makes me blush. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm feeling so excited. 

 

I never felt like this. 

 

[Preety_India]

(I want him to call me "dummy" or "silly" sometimes. I find it endearing. I want to be playful with him.)