In Need Of Some Advice On The Spiritual Path

[Koeke]

Hi, 

Last monday evening I felt really dead inside. Like I couldn't be bothered to respond to anything, to feel anything. Just empty emotionally, the opposite of what people mean when they say someone is "full of life" or "exuberant". I'm of course speaking in relative terms here, not referring to capital D Death or E Emptiness. So, normally when I feel like I am suffering or experiencing dissatisfaction of any kind more than usual, I just sort of investigate the raw, direct sensate experience that convinces me there is a separate self that experiences this suffering. This makes the suffering dissolve a lot normally. But last monday I couldn't find anything, but was still suffering. This probably messed with some perverted spiritual ego kind of control-fantasy of being able to reduce suffering at will when I feel like it. And it also just felt really strange. 

I remembered this book called "Reichian therapy" which had an exercise where you look in the mirror as if you are looking at a stranger, so I did that, and that helped a lot. It gave me some feedback on how I felt, I guess. It made me feel more alive. I have done Reichian therapy every day now since tuesday, which helps. 

I should mention I am 19 years old and have been meditating for the last two years, the 16 months of which I meditated and did Kriya yoga more than 3 hours a day on average, roughly. I put in so much energy into meditation and need to relax more, so I'm focussing more on relaxing and concentration types of meditation instead of insight meditation. Insight meditation creates more "fleeting" and unfamiliar and strange perceptions which can be a little ungrounding. So it is good to express myself into some form like writing or exercise, as to consume form instead of letting form consume me, so to speak. 

Since tuesday morning I feel more calm and clear and as if my Real Self is shining through more clearly, but I still feel like I'm "picking up the pieces" and I'm still in the chaos of dissidentified thoughts, both of which monday evening was a more extreme version of, but this sort of chaos is not new. 

I have been reading the book "Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha", which has a lot of maps and stages which I haven't familiarized myself with. I should probably just do that. 

Anyway, I know this post is a little unclear and paints a rather incomplete picture. I'm just looking for some advice or anything that can help me navigate this. Grounding is important, but at the same time I want to progress spiritually. These two definetly are not totally at odds with each other but I'm still confused about it. Can someone shed some light on that as well, please?

 

 

[Flyboy]

What are you trying to control?  What are you craving?  What are you clinging to?  These will point you towards the cause of your suffering, even if you don't like the answer (such as: you are clinging to the spiritual path, to enlightenment, to Truth, etc.).  Paradoxically, the way forward is to unwind this clinging, even to things like spirituality. 

MCTB is a great place to build a deep understanding of the meditative path / maps.  However, I think it also has huge limitations, and is particularly poor at addressing the proper place of emotions, love, and heart (which Ingram himself admits).  I really recommend Seeing that Frees, as it is deep and profound but starts simply, and is "whole" in its treatment of wisdom and love.  Sounds like you need that.

Also, don't forget you're super young.  At 19 you're still a kid, no offense.  Don't be in a rush, you have tons of time and lots of life to live.  Handle your education, relationships, emotions, building a healthy ego, financials... all that stuff.  You will need that foundation to live a good life--awakening will come when it comes.

Also, personally, I'd relax on the Kriya.  Kriya attempts to be a weird jack-of-all-trades practice combining energy work, concentration, self-inquiry, insight, and a bit of snake oil, all in the hopes of a mystical "glimpse."  I'm sure it can work, but I personally think you'll make much better progress developing concentration and insight separately, and truly understanding what you're trying to accomplish with each branch of inquiry.  Kundalini can be super dangerous and disruptive, too, so just let that happen when it's ready.  I've lost way too much sleep this past year from unwanted energy stuff.

[Eternal Unity]

You are integrating. That's good! The spiritual path is not a straight line.

Keep on meditating but like you said, relax more.

Grounding, in a sense, IS progress.

You're young and it seems like you advanced some distance already on the path.

Keep reading and contemplate life. Don't be discouraged if it seems like you're stuck. If that is the case - stop and let, I guess, the universe guide you in its direction with letting go by your part.

Greg

[Nahm]

My two cents… go on a get away, a solo retreat, a trip, of some kind. Take a few days off all practices & away from your normal environment & day to day activities, and let any thoughts about progressing spiritually go. Ideally, involve some kind of relaxation like a massage & something cathartic as well. Then when you get back, make a dreamboard and put the focus on what you want in life. Let your spiritual practices be a background to that, a place for letting everything go, for enjoyment, deep relaxation & clearing the mind. 

[Ilan]

@Nahm or the sweet face of actualized.org

[BipolarGrowth]

Keep reading MCTB. I can give advice on how to overcome suffering in your case. It sounds like you are already doing a great job, but next time you’re overcome with suffering, try to focus on the sensations of suffering. Rather than seeing how it is not self, feel into it as completely and directly as possible. If you turn toward the suffering, it is guaranteed to change under enough investigation. Feel free to check out my channel where I post Q&A podcasts with my student regarding spirituality, usually from a Buddhist background based on MCTB. 
 

How to Escape the Dark Night of the Soul - Advice from a Living Buddha

 

[ZzzleepingBear]

It sounds like you have made some serious progression on your spiritual path. Now is time for your next lesson.. Go for that icecream and throw some frisbee with a friend or two, or go do some other fun that comes to mind.

[Koeke]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'll focus more on having new experiences, relaxation, reading books, and feeling deeply into my suffering @BipolarGrowth. I also appreciated the questions you suggested I contemplate @Flyboy. 

I was actually already thinking of doing travelling and going to a masseuse @Nahm. Figuring myself (relative) out will get more of my attention. 

Also @Flyboy, could you be more specific on your experiences with Kriya,Kundalini and the "losing of sleep from unwanted energy stuff"? 
Thanks again!