Unironically German

[Preety_India]

 

My final transformation 

Have you experienced something like this? 

 

I feel like from inside, I'm changing in a massive way. Like a huge change. Do you ever feel like your whole personality is going to change 180 degrees. For example, let's say you were an angry or aggressive person and now something is making you change into a milder calmer friendlier person. Or let's take the opposite. You were a gentle person but now you are getting angrier, or just stricter.. 

 

Let me explain what's happening to me. My facial expressions are changing from sweet to mean/strict. I'm changing from a gentler person to someone more strict, pragmatic and matured, more serious and a bit bolder. 

 

I feel some kind of inner metamorphosis.

 

Like my inner self is struggling to come out or is undergoing huge transformation. 

 

And it's saying very loudly a very big FUCK YOU. It's asking me - why the hell do you care about all this drama around people? If they judge you, blame you, hold you responsible when you didn't do shit, then fuck it, who cares? It's like my inner self is challenging me big time to pick myself up by the bootstraps and not give a damn anymore, because nobody gave a damn about me. 

 

Is this a sign of inner growth? 

 

I feel a sense of boldness and self empowerment. Like why should I care what someone thinks of me. 

 

I used to engage in people pleasing behavior and I took a lot of shit in the process. 

 

But now my inner self is saying - STOP!!!! DEVELOP AN EGO. STOP GIVING A DAMN. 

 

A strong inner resistance developing gradually. 

 

Will this turn me into a narcissist? 

 

I feel like I'm developing a strong defense mechanism. Like building a wall around myself where only those people can scale the wall who aren't going to fuck with me anymore, aren't going to play mind games, aren't going to be passive aggressive or manipulate me or aren't going to give me a lame treatment. 

 

It's like my my heart is saying — if they don't treat you right, just don't put up with it anymore. The call is yours to make, not theirs. Take back power. 

 

 

 

 

 

Does this feel right or does this feel narcissistic? 

When I had these thoughts, this music was playing in my mind. Pretty aggressive. 

 

 

Edited August 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel agree

[Preety_India]

 

On 12/08/2021 at 4:08 AM, Preety_India said:

I can tell you that far right radicalization is the worst thing that can happen to you. 

I felt guilty for a very long time. It was like a cult and the guy running this far right American cult was present on YouTube and using YouTube as a megaphone to brainwash people.. 

I cried for almost a year and felt very ashamed and almost had a mental breakdown. It was a crisis. 

This thing is more tragic and evil than you can imagine. It's a cancer. They say liberalism is a cancer. But in reality it's the Far Right, that's the cancer of modern times

Since then, I feel much better that I left that YouTube American Radical. He is a Californian. I won't say his name but he is a very strong Far Right Radical guy. 

And he used a ton of emotional language to brainwash his viewers and I got Sucked into it. 

It's the most toxic thing that can happen to you. 

He was banned on YouTube multiple times. For radical content mostly. 

 

 

On 12/08/2021 at 4:03 AM, Preety_India said:

I was once radicalized by the Far Right directly through YouTube. 

I'm a live example for that even when I'm not living in a Western country, goes to show how far YouTube can go into radicalizing people even across off shores.

This was back in 2016/2017 before joining this forum. 

I got out of it eventually and got de-radicalized by my ex American boyfriend who slowly dragged me out of it and deprogrammed me. 

I'm grateful to him to  this day and glad that he took me out of it.. It was a dangerous ideology I was mired in. 

I was massively ashamed and embarrassed. 

I can't even go into details of it. I feel very guilted and it takes a ton of honesty to open up about it. 

Yet, I had massive growth mentally and spiritually once I outgrew the whole Radicalization. 

It was the worst phase of my life. It made me so guilty and regretful. I still feel ashamed of how I used to think in those days. It's the most terrible thing that happened to me and that guy was absolutely responsible for it. 

 

 

 

On 12/08/2021 at 3:58 AM, Preety_India said:

Far right radicalization is the greatest danger of this century and it's not only happening in America but sweeping across Europe and I'm observing this trend since past 3 years now. 

In America it has gotten worse especially after Trump's relentless campaigning. 

Trump is one of the top guys in this new wave of destructive mentality. He was like the mouthpiece for some time. 

Some other people include Tucker Carlson, Dave Rubin, Alex Jones and many more. 

Countries in Europe showing tremendous increase in FAR RIGHT EXTREMISM - UK, FRANCE, GERMANY, SWEDEN, HUNGARY, POLAND. 

There is a ton of Far right Grooming. 

YouTube is playing a big role in this. 

But not the algorithm. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Yea I'm really guilty and ashamed of whatever I wrote above, I was brainwashed by that YouTuber into far right radicalization. 

It took my ex American boyfriend Joseph to pull me out of it and for that I'll forever be grateful to him. 

This video describes a lot of the stuff 8 went through. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

What are the things that I'm ashamed or guilty of? 

• Of being an extremist 
• Following white supremacy radical notions 
• Sexual fantasies like Wanting to be tied up or rape fantasy. 

 

[Preety_India]

My sexual fantasies so far have included

Bdsm, being tied up, role play  bondage, rape fantasies, submission, chains, handcuffs, whips(whips are a big part), master slave relationship, me being a slave but more like slave princess(lol), being dominated by a man in bed, vaginal penetration, buttfuck, building intimacy (in-to-me-see), building trust, having authentic connection with him, him not lying, being honest but seductive, lots and lots of romance and lots of erotic feelings, very intimate and almost owning my body and heart. Extreme submission and rape fantasy. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

A part of this journal I'll dedicate to survey questions. 

Survey questions 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I felt like I will fall in love with a German male. 

I had dreams like that. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This is my new avatar. 

This Melancholic lover girl with sexual fantasies, wanting to be her pure seductive self, in love with some man passionately and letting her own spirit thrive. 

So i made that my profile. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I have some sort of a sexual fetish for German men. 

I get easily turned on by them. 

Some of them can be dark haired and some can be light. But I like both. 

 

 

 i was dreaming the other day of being fucked by a German male. 

I decided to create my own kind of German man. Like a fantasy German man. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I imagined my Fantasy German man as a Gothic character(because I'm heavily into Goth), and he should resemble these looks that I created in my deviant mind. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dark hair is just fine, even relatable because I have dark hair. But let's say even if he is platinum blonde, that would look good as well. I was imagining him with long locks. Those eyes are so German. 

What I like about German men(even women) are their eyes. Whenever I meet a German, they automatically fall in love with me, I don't know what that is all about, maybe I have some connection with them. They feel me intuitively and usually hold me tender. 

I never actually hung out with them. So maybe next time I hang around an international place, I'll try to look for a German man. But that would be too stupid. Although I like German men, I don't want to like him for only being German, it's true I tend to be in awe of them, something that turns me on, yet fetishism is sorta stupid, but still, no harm in trying or no harm in fantasizing. I even wanted to learn the German language for my German prince. Bit difficult for me because I don't understand their pronunciations yet I can give it a try. 

Zane is tall like a German, but he is Indian and he has dark hair. Tall, dark, handsome. Yup. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Not very long ago, I fell in love with a Youtuber who is German, whose name I'm not going to say 

 

[Preety_India]

So where was I? 

I was dreaming about my fantasy German man in long hair and Gothic attire. Suits me really well. Can be dark haired or light, doesn't matter. But he should have those eyes, than I would die for, not blue eyes, just brown or black eyes with that glint. I'll instantly fall for his charm. I met a German man online a few years ago and he was patient and loving to me. Unfortunately I lost touch with him over time. 

Back to my fantasy German male. I'm deciding that my future lover can be either German or Indian. A tall dark Indian man or a tall dark eyed German both suitably match my romantic fantasy. 

My favorite prince of my sexy  Dreams 

 

Forever now and more. 

 

 

I like him with long hair. 

 

 

Tattoos umm, not necessary. In fact I don't tattoos. Smacks of insecurity

 

 

That rugged look. Yup. My absolute favorite is when he is drenched in rain water and leaning on me. 

 

I want him to tease me. Not holding a shoe lol. Rather holding a belt so he can whip me into obedience. 

 

 

Yep exactly this Gothic look. I would like him wearing Gothic jewelry. That's a must because my entire existence is about Goth. 

 

He can look nerdy, that's cute, with straps for a sexy night. 

Straps to trap me. 

 

 

 

Cool. I guess I finally found my dream man how he needs to look to fulfill my sexy fantasies. Mmm. 

 

[Preety_India]

Now wherever I go, these follow... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is my heart. I'll treasure him such. And I am not into casual sex. 

 

 

 

 

 

If I ever find him (the man of my dreams), then I'll go........... 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I can't even write this kind of stuff without feeling an ounce of shame or guilt. 

He is like my sex bomb.. 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I have coined a term - fphantazm - a state where you daydream about your man and bring him to life. And enjoy orgasms in this process. 

Right now I'm fphantazming. 

(f is silent) 

 

 

[Preety_India]

After sifting through countless male fantasy  characters in all of my past journals, I finally found my final perfect version of the male I want as a lover, his looks, ideas, passion and his intimate approach with me. 

This is like an art or hobby to me and with a serious preoccupation. I don't take this fantasy business lightly. 

This is the final iteration of the male I want. I had to explore the whole maze to finally come to this. 

The exploration had begun early this year and now it finally comes to an end. Phew!! What an eventful journey this has been. 

I finally find the template of the man who will match my frequency after sorting through countless explorations. They all pale in comparison to my latest find. 

Yea there were so many I had fallen in love with. So much experimentation. It just never clicked or maybe it clicked in the beginning and suddenly lost its charm because it wasn't what my heart wanted but my mind sort of settled for it thinking it's a good substitute 

But nah. It was only a stone on the path, not a destination. It was a stone that showed the direction to the destination. 

I used all these character models to navigate my own deep complex Introverted mind to find its deepest secrets, lay hidden extremely deep, and after all the conscious exploration and massive digging deeper, I finally brought my actual fantasies to the surface, these were buried inside and I had no clue that this is what I had wanted. 

Now that it's exposed, I can rest in peace dreaming about my ultimate man, rest are merely substitutes

 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel scared, nervous, frightened, as if I'm being judged for my sexual fantasies. 

 

 

 

All the moralizing never helps, you know. 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I was looking for something, I was searching for something, did i find it? 

 

[Preety_India]

Spirituality is a force and we are the agency, this material world, these circumstances and who we are, that's the agent/agency. The spirit works through us. 

The spirit manifests through us. 

If there is something the spirit is creating, it will manifest in reality through the agency of the physical world. 

What comes about can never be known. 

This is the greatest secret of the universe 

 

 

Edited August 19, 2021 by Preety_India