Having a lot of difficulty healing my heart

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India I did consider doing that, yeah, though I don't really feel the need to do so just at the moment - I may do in future, really appreciate the suggestion  

[Preety_India]

@RickyFitts you are welcome Daniel. 

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India   

[RickyFitts]

Christ, the various aches and pains I've felt in my body the last few years, man alive  I got a sharp pain on the right side of my chest before, around the bottom of my ribs - hard to describe it exactly, but it felt a lot like a stitch (just a bit higher up, obviously) and it smarted like an absolute motherfucker.

So er, yeah, I highly recommend this whole kundalini awakening business, it's terrific fun! Helps if you have a masochistic streak I should think, which is unfortunate for me as I have an allergy to pain, really not a fan.

[RickyFitts]

I'm feeling very conscious of my solar plexus chakra at the moment, I was initially feeling a lot of upset in that area; when I felt into it, though, the upset gave way to a feeling of anger that feels very destructive, it makes me want to brutally attack someone or something. Which would be, y'know, a tad anti-social, of course, though there's a quality of righteous indignation to it. It's actually kind of fascinating and even amusing to observe, because feelings of volcanic rage can give way to feelings of wailing grief in the blink of an eye, and vice versa - it's like, bro, make your mind up ?

[RickyFitts]

I've been acutely conscious of pressure around the bridge of my nose today, particularly when I was meditating this morning (it reminded me, as I was sat there quietly despairing at this seemingly impenetrable blockage, that my ex had told me a few years back that I had a blockage in my nose). This might seem at first glance to have little to do with the issues in my heart chakra, but actually it appears to be intimately related - I noticed as I felt into this blockage that there appeared to be a corresponding blockage right in the middle of my chest.

Again, I think it's just a matter of time, I can fall into frustration and despair at times but the awakened energy is gradually working through those blockages. Smarts like a fucker sometimes though  

[Gianna]

12 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

the awakened energy is gradually working through those blockages

yay! 

12 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

my ex had told me a few years back

have you thought about asking your ex for some more insight into this? It seems like she predicted a lot of these blockages– like the spikes and now the nose. idk. Maybe her input can help?

[Raptorsin7]

13 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I've been acutely conscious of pressure around the bridge of my nose today, particularly when I was meditating this morning (it reminded me, as I was sat there quietly despairing at this seemingly impenetrable blockage, that my ex had told me a few years back that I had a blockage in my nose). This might seem at first glance to have little to do with the issues in my heart chakra, but actually it appears to be intimately related - I noticed as I felt into this blockage that there appeared to be a corresponding blockage right in the middle of my chest.

Again, I think it's just a matter of time, I can fall into frustration and despair at times but the awakened energy is gradually working through those blockages. Smarts like a fucker sometimes though  

I can relate to a lot of this. My heart is also numb and I don't really feel any sensation in my chest like I  can in other parts of my body.

I feel tremendous pressure in my nose too. I've only managed to unblock my nose a handful of times with psychs, but when the blockage gets erased it feels like someone is literally breaking and cracking my nose from the inside. But the end result is incredible. When my nose gets fully cleared I get entire perceptual shifts in how I view reality, and it's like a huge weight is getting released from your head. When my nose was cleared I also had full breaths of bliss.

I think there are certain trauma points in the body and these result in blockages. I know I have certain energetic points in my stomach and center of head, that when I feel into them i get an entire liberation of energy. 

I think spending as much time in meditation and feeling into these sensations throughout the body is the way forward. But i'm not sure I haven't solved this yet

[RickyFitts]

7 hours ago, Gianna said:

have you thought about asking your ex for some more insight into this? It seems like she predicted a lot of these blockages– like the spikes and now the nose. idk. Maybe her input can help?

It's a fantastic suggestion, but I don't know how I'd get into contact with her - we used to communicate through a forum we both used, but she deactivated her account and I don't know her phone number or email address. I doubt she'd be willing to engage with me anyway, the last few times we talked she was rather cold and aloof, I could feel her keeping me at arm's length which was frustrating (but, I could understand her behaving that way given how badly she'd been hurt by my rejection of her, so I figured we were just going to have to work on our issues independently of one another, for the time being at least).

Edited September 27, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

7 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I feel tremendous pressure in my nose too. I've only managed to unblock my nose a handful of times with psychs, but when the blockage gets erased it feels like someone is literally breaking and cracking my nose from the inside. But the end result is incredible. When my nose gets fully cleared I get entire perceptual shifts in how I view reality, and it's like a huge weight is getting released from your head. When my nose was cleared I also had full breaths of bliss.

Oh wow, very interesting! Feel like I need to get my hands on some psychs, I've never tried them  

7 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I think spending as much time in meditation and feeling into these sensations throughout the body is the way forward. But i'm not sure I haven't solved this yet

Yes, completely agree!  Those blockages can be very dense and stubborn, so it does take require lots of patience and persistence for them to start to break down I think. 

[RickyFitts]

The universe's timing amazes me sometimes, because as I type this there's a line in the song I'm currently listening to that perfectly sums up my current predicament: 'You broke my chest' (the line's from 'Youth' by the band Daughter). Because fuck - fuck, FUCK - that's exactly what it feels like in my chest right now, and it's a complete drag...

Anyway, so yeah, I'm feeling a lot of pressure again in that solar plexus/heart region at the moment, and a lot of upset when I feel into that pressure. I've been experiencing a lot of contractions in the last few days, as the energy tries to push through those blockages - it might sound daft, but I almost feel like I'm in labour sometimes with all the contractions, only the movement through my body is upwards rather than downwards (just got to remember my Lamaze breathing ).

Feels like a bit of a catch-22 situation at the moment, because whilst I've absolutely had it with this whole kundalini awakening business, at the same time I'm also scared of what's to come. It brings to mind a line from the film 'Inception': 'Do you want to take a leap of faith, or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?' Which is a trifle dramatic, but it does feel rather appropriate.

Edited September 28, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Gianna]

3 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

I almost feel like I'm in labour sometimes with all the contractions, only the movement through my body is upwards rather than downwards (just got to remember my Lamaze breathing ).

oh man that must be so hard dealing with. i'm sorry ricky. 

 

33 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

Feels like a bit of a catch-22 situation at the moment, because whilst I've absolutely had it with this whole kundalini awakening business, at the same time I'm also scared of what's to come. It brings to mind a line from the film 'Inception': 'Do you want to take a leap of faith, or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?' Bit dramatic, but it does feel rather appropriate.

Leap and the net will appear <3 

[RickyFitts]

14 minutes ago, Gianna said:

oh man that must be so hard dealing with. i'm sorry ricky. 

Still feeling sorely in need of a cuddle buddy at the moment, I'm not going to lie  Bless you though, Gianna, I really appreciate it  

16 minutes ago, Gianna said:

Leap and the net will appear <3 

??

[RickyFitts]

I'm experiencing thudding head pressure at the moment, my third eye and crown chakras appear to be active AF at the moment. Again it's interesting to notice the corresponding activity in my heart chakra - I'd had a realisation when I was having a desperately hard time a few years back that my head and heart were out of alignment, that my mind was basically estranged from my heart, and I seem to have undergone a process since then of bringing thought and feeling back into alignment. Interesting to observe how that dynamic plays out energetically and emotionally.

(As I'm typing, a song called 'Stubborn Love' came on my Youtube playlist, which feels very appropriate )

Edited September 30, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

I'm noticing more activity in the upper part of my chest at the moment, which is a new development as far as I can remember - it's the familiar dynamic of energy meeting resistance, which then stirs up feelings of upset, frustration, and anger. I've been feeling very irritable around people the past couple of days, I find myself wanting to snap at the smallest thing though thankfully I have just enough self-control and good sense to know that a) it isn't warranted, and b) it won't help matters (quite the opposite, it'll just create complications). I'd say I should invest in a punching bag to release some of the frustration, but that feels like too much effort at the moment quite frankly, I doubt I'd make a dent in it 

Boy, trust really is such a big word I've found. It feels sometimes like armies are massing on the northern and southern borders of my heart, and it's been pretty well established by now that fighting a war on two fronts is a fool's errand, so it feels like I'm - hmm, what's the technical term? Oh yes, that's right - fucked.

I know there's no use grousing about it. Doesn't stop me, mind, but, y'know, I'm only human.

Edited October 4, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

An interesting development I've noticed in the past few days is the resurfacing of childhood memories, most of them from around the first year of high school which is telling - that wasn't a very happy time in my life, I spent most of the year feeling very lonely and afraid (I was a shy, sensitive kid anyway, and being in an environment with all those older, pubescent kids felt... harrowing, to be honest) and I think it had a profound effect on me, left me with a lot of mental and emotional scarring. Not much fun revisiting that period of my life, obviously, though I think it's a positive sign that those memories are resurfacing, I think that's an almost inevitable part of the process of healing trauma and emotional wounding.

Energetically I'm very aware of blockages in the upper part of my chest at the moment, feels very heavy and sore at times. I did see the following video on the subject of heart-opening symptoms just before though, figured I'd share it whilst I'm here for anyone who's interested:

 

[RickyFitts]

I've been very aware of my root chakra for maybe two-three weeks now, there appears to be a connection between that energy centre and my heart - actually, everything seems to come back to my heart in the end, the unresolved trauma I have in that area of my body seems to have a knock-on effect on the rest of my energy-system. I'm still experiencing a lot of head pressure, too, which always seems to intensify when I focus on my heart. But I'm getting there though, slowly but surely.

[Ulax]

@RickyFitts An IFS perspective would that you have parts, rather than a single unconscious.

Your pain in your head would be part that want your attention, and, perhaps, also, have something they want to tell you. So, you can just ask them, wait, and they might tell you.

Re meditation, it may be that this is actually impeding the release of your emotions, depending on the type. Robert Schwartz (founder of IFS) says that traditional meditations that talk of a 'monkey mind', or 'mindless chatter', or thereabouts actually disrespect these parts and so can actually be damaging for us, and the parts won't feel safe to say release their burdens.

I like 'Do nothing' meditation in that respect. No control and it seems to allow parts to speak more freely, and thereby feel more safe/ respected.

Re the grief/ anger, I'd ask where you tend to cast blame. If you tend to cast it inwards then I'd suggest placing blame on other much more than you do, and if there is resistance to this, ask 'are there any parts restricting me from blaming others?'. If yes, perhaps, enquire why.

It sounds like you've been doing a lot of hard, meaningful work on yourself. Respect/ kudos for that.

I hope this helps!

Edited December 15, 2021 by Ulax
Removed a 'so'

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Ulax said:

@RickyFitts An IFS perspective would that you have parts, rather than a single unconscious.

Your pain in your head would be part that want your attention, and, perhaps, also, have something they want to tell you. So, you can just ask them, wait, and they might tell you.

Interesting. The sensation in my head isn't really painful for the most part, it's just pressure - I first felt this not long after I started meditating about eight years back, I started to notice a pressure like someone was pushing their thumb into the centre of my forehead. I believe this indicates that my third eye was becoming active so I consider it to be a positive development, ultimately, though over time it's also forced me to deal with issues in other energy centres (all the centres are interconnected, after all) which has been challenging.

4 hours ago, Ulax said:

Re meditation, it may be that this is actually impeding the release of your emotions, depending on the type. Robert Schwartz (founder of IFS) says that traditional meditations that talk of a 'monkey mind', or 'mindless chatter', or thereabouts actually disrespect these parts and so can actually be damaging for us, and the parts won't feel safe to say release their burdens.

That's certainly a possibility, though I do actually practise 'Do Nothing' meditation (which you alluded to) so I think I'm all right in that respect. I had a serious issue with emotional repression so it's taken a long time to even begin to release those repressed emotions, but I'm making good progress with it.

4 hours ago, Ulax said:

 

I like 'Do nothing' meditation in that respect. No control and it seems to allow parts to speak more freely, and thereby feel more safe/ respected.

Agree completely, to date it's been easily the most effective approach to meditation that I've tried.

4 hours ago, Ulax said:

 

Re the grief/ anger, I'd ask where you tend to cast blame. If you tend to cast it inwards then I'd suggest placing blame on other much more than you do, and if there is resistance to this, ask 'are there any parts restricting me from blaming others?'. If yes, perhaps, enquire why.

I'll keep this in mind. Resentment seems to be more of an issue for me than blame (though I guess they're quite closely related), but I'm gradually working through it.

4 hours ago, Ulax said:

 

It sounds like you've been doing a lot of hard, meaningful work on yourself. Respect/ kudos for that.

Thanks, kind of you to say  

Edited December 15, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

I was meditating a little earlier and started to feel a lot of discomfort and nausea in my solar plexus, holy fuck did it feel awful. Interesting to sit with sensations like that and just really feel into them, I noticed that there was a feeling of deep sadness lurking underneath the physical sensations - seems to me that the physical discomfort is a result of the patterns of emotional repression that I'd developed from quite a young age, which manifests as physical tightness and tension, and, as the body relaxes and those patterns start to release, first the discomfort is felt and then the repressed emotion can also start to surface. Not a whole lot of fun to feel these feelings and sensations, obviously, but I do think it's actually a good sign that they are being felt, as counter-instinctual and even perverse as that might sound -  'you can only heal what you can feel', as Teal Swan would say. And we're never really free whilst these emotions remain frozen inside of us.

Does make me wonder sometimes if it helps to have a bit of a masochistic streak, though, because boy can it be a painful process at times.  

Edited February 26, 2022 by RickyFitts