Having a lot of difficulty healing my heart

[RickyFitts]

12 hours ago, Marcel said:

I have been told that a couple of times by now by multiple people.

I guess there is something to it.

Maybe my perception of myself is just still pretty low.

Oh well, another thing to keep working on haha

 

A point I heard in a Teal Swan video recently (this one, for reference) is that we can very easily take for granted the things we do well, because they come so easily and naturally to us - I think there's so much truth in that. Sometimes it's easier for other people to see our strengths  

Edited August 29, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel You behaved as you only could have done given the circumstances, my friend - you were simply hurting, that's all.

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

Absolutely. I got through it after all.

But damn this way one hell of a journey haha

That's putting it mildly!  I know in my own journey I've had moments where I'm wondering how the hell I managed to come out the other side, because it seemed so bleak and hopeless at times  But you know, it's testament to your inner strength that you did manage to get through it

[Preety_India]

11 minutes ago, Marcel said:

would have drank a cocktail with about a 100 high dosage

If you ever do that, I'll kill myself or I'll be dead. 

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Marcel said:

You´re adorable sweetheart.

As much as i am in deep emotional pain.

I would never hurt myself again.

I will promise it to to you right now with a sacred vow to you.

I will never in my entire life hurt myself again.

Just the fact that you are in my life makes living my life meaningful darling.

 

Please thank you a lot. You lifted the heaviness. 

You did me a great favor. 

Thank you again for reassuring me. 

 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Marcel said:

We can talk about it later if you want to.

I saw it as my only option at the time.

Of course there were a million different things i could have done.

But the pain i felt was pure torture and unbareable.

Nobody knew about it and the worst part was that i thought that nobody could understand or help me.

That i was completely alone in this struggle.

Even if i was in such pain ever again.

I would communicate it to you immediately.

Yes i still have suicidal episodes from time to time.

But i know what to do now.

I was still very immature and inexperienced back then.

That's reasonable. You can vent it in your journal as therapy. That's what I did. 

 

[RickyFitts]

3 hours ago, Marcel said:

It was plain dumb luck sometimes.

Especially if you read about my second suicide attempt.

I basically had an awakening, an experience of infinite love, a second before i would have drank a cocktail with about a 100 high dosage sleeping pills and alcohol.

Which ultimately saved my life.

Not dumb luck, my friend.

It was the grace of God  

[RickyFitts]

Fuck me sideways, the pressure in my heart is so great at times - it makes me feel like this:

Seriously  It's kind of frustrating, there's one part of me that wants to scream like that ^^, there's another part that wants to burst into tears - and I can't seem to do either. I'm trying to think of an appropriate analogy but I'm too busy feeling inexplicably furious, it's all really most disconcerting.

Don't mind me, I'm just venting.

[RickyFitts]

I've been feeling soreness in my shoulders today whilst meditating, particularly in my right shoulder. 

This kundalini awakening business I tells ya, it's the gift that keeps on giving... 

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel Cheers buddy, really appreciate it. At the moment I'm just feeling disoriented, I'm not even really sure how to describe it... it's kind of like I'm being emptied out, I don't know. It's not like I feel really terrible or anything, just... well, like I say, disoriented!

I'm all right though pal  

[RickyFitts]

6 hours ago, Marcel said:

Ah same. I get you.

I really don´t know in what direction to go as well.

there are so many things to do.

A lot feels interesting.

At least to me.

But for the life of me.

I could never reach a definite decision right now.

There's no rush, I'm sure it'll all become clear in time  

[RickyFitts]

It's a funny thing, I'd have thought that as I became more sensitive in my body that I would become clearer on what exactly I'm feeling - but sometimes it seems like the opposite is true and I'm actually becoming less clear.

Maybe that's not entirely true, though - maybe the truth is that I simply don't want  to feel what I'm feeling right now, so I go into denial about it. The emotional theme that recurs most often is simply grief, but the frustrating thing about it is that I can't seem to figure out exactly what  I'm grieving. 

But do I actually need to know that? I think there's a tendency in humans - certainly in myself at any rate - to try to figure out the reasons why, simply because that's how our brains are wired - we're problem-solvers by nature, that's a big part of why we've been so successful as a species. But, as Teal Swan would say, you can only heal what you can feel. This is where humans (and especially men) tend to be stunted, I know that in my own case I've had to relearn how to feel - and it's been extremely challenging.

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

I am an absolute perfectionist and analyst at my core.

That's quite the cross to bear, because no-one is perfect - you're holding yourself to an impossibly high standard.

What if you don't do things perfectly, can you handle the idea of being imperfect? What do you feel it says about you if you aren't perfect?

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

Feeling my feelings could not be more alien to me haha

You've instinctively learnt to shut down over the course of your life, due to the environment you were raised in - it's sadly so common in humans (and again, especially in men), I was no different in that regard. And I was a very sensitive, troubled child, too, so I ended up bottling up all sorts of strong emotions, until the pressure simply became too great and the sheer extent of my suffering forced me to awaken.

That was really only the start of the journey, though, and things actually got much tougher for me after that, as I had to face all the emotional issues and traumas that were still in my system. The big thing for me was simply learning to consciously inhabit my body, we humans tend to be so much in our heads and we end up having a very conflicted relationship with our bodies as a result, we tend to feel restless and agitated if our minds aren't engaged in some task or other. I keep saying it, but body-centred practices are so important I feel - or at least they have been for me personally - because we can't think our way to emotional resolution.

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

If i try to feel my emotions.

The thing that immediately starts getting into action is my brain.

And not my heart, if it springs into action at all that is.

Well, i´ve basically was or even conditioned myself to work this way throughout my life.

So i suppose it will take a while to change it.

 

Exactly, yeah, that' s how you've been conditioned. Hard to break these patterns, it takes lots of discipline and patience - and time, as you say. I know from my own experience that having a loving partner who's compassionate and understanding to talk things through with can be hugely cathartic and healing, though, so I'm glad you've got Preety for that my friend  

Edited September 2, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

18 minutes ago, Marcel said:

 

She helps me so much that i could not even put it in words. 

She already changed my mental state for the better so much.

It's just wonderful, mate, it really is, I'm so happy for you and Preety

19 minutes ago, Marcel said:

My perfectionism is usually not a huge deal.

Just that i never feel satisfied with anything i am doing, it´s never good enough.

This used to be super unhealthy, but nowadays i just try to use this to push myself more and more.

I try to be blissfully dissatisfied and look for constant improvement, so it isn´t terrible haha

Breaks my heart to hear you say that, mate, honestly. But I understand, though, I was always harshly self-critical too - that's a trait that runs in my family it seems, I notice both my parents can be very hard on themselves. Some very painful wounds at the root of that sort of thinking, can be challenging to heal.

Blissful dissatisfaction - I'll have to give that a try sometime 

[RickyFitts]

I'm noticing various sensations in my body at the moment, particularly around the back of my heart - sort of around the area of my shoulder blades, I'm feeling quite a lot of energy in that area. The area around my sacral chakra also feels rather tender at times, in an oddly pleasant sort of way - the nerves in that area seem to clearing or something, I'm not quite sure. My root chakra also feels very open, which is a tad disconcerting - I know kundalini rises from that area, and it can be a very intense experience by all accounts.

Anyway, I think it's all good, I think my nervous system's gradually becoming entrained to all the energy that's been awakened which is good, obviously.

[RickyFitts]

Good heavens, the pressure in my heart and head at the moment is monumental at the moment, man alive! Phew, fairly takes my breath away so it does, though I'm so used to it by this point that it doesn't bother me too much. Boy do you realise just how dense the physical body can feel when you've got all that energy pushing up against those energetic dams, though.

Apropos of not very much, but I got to thinking just now about something my ex (the one I mentioned in my first post) told me about my heart - she told me that I had numerous small spikes lodged in it (not actual, physical spikes - think it's something in the etheric realm?). I just bring it up because I swear I can actually feel those spikes at the moment  Gets me to wondering, naturally enough, what on earth would cause them to be lodged there.

Other thing I'm noticing recently is that I'm feeling quite light-headed at times, almost giddy or even delirious. I'm assuming that's being caused by a combination of the energy and a rather erratic sleep-pattern (these energetic movements can really screw with your sleep-patterns, I've found, which isn't especially surprising), though it seems to be pretty much under control, I don't think it'll be a serious issue.

[RickyFitts]

Been noticing some soreness at the base of my left thumb today, feels very fragile for some reason. Again it seems to be connected to some upset in my heart - it's kinda weird how it all fits together, though it figures, given that all the nerves in the body are part of one integrated system. 

[RickyFitts]

Been feeling quite a lot of pain and upset in my heart last night and this morning, the awakened energy's really pressing against those blockages in my heart which is making for a pretty uncomfortable, rather painful experience at the moment. I noticed some upset in my sacral chakra this morning too, which is interesting - that was a particular problem area for me a few years back when I was really struggling, I'd often feel a very painful contraction in that area, like a clenched fist in my gut, and a lot of upset ( I noticed there seemed to be a strong connection between the issues in my sacral and heart chakras around that time). It's generally felt much clearer since then though, so it's interesting that I've experienced a flare-up - not exactly sure what triggered that, though it passed pretty quickly (I think meditating this morning probably helped to alleviate it).

Edited September 7, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Preety_India]

@RickyFitts maybe you could write all this in a journal and I can help you with that. 

Like a separate journal. 

 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Preety_India

[RickyFitts]

19 hours ago, Marcel said:

It know this may sound kinda odd, but i am fascinated by the pain you are experiencing.

Not at all, mate, I find it really interesting too! And if it's useful for other people, that makes sharing it worthwhile

19 hours ago, Marcel said:

It´s quite interesting to see, how emotional pain can literally turn into physical pain.

Isn't it! Kinda makes me wonder what emotional pain is, exactly, is it just physical pain with a story attached?

19 hours ago, Marcel said:

The body is one whole system. Every part affects every other part.

That is the exact reason why holistic medicine is so important, instead of having a billion "specialists" for everything.

Exactly, yes, couldn't agree more!! I think very often we just treat the symptoms, without really getting to the root of the issue.

19 hours ago, Marcel said:

Its the same with our state of vibration.

Our Vibration effects the entire universe and the entire universe effects our vibration in return.

Exactly, well said