Having a lot of difficulty healing my heart

[RickyFitts]

I had a relationship a few years back that helped make me conscious of some pretty serious issues with my heart chakra; I had a strong and frankly weird energetic connection with this person that meant that she could feel all my emotions and energetic issues from hundreds of miles away, and she helped to make me conscious of various issues that had previously been largely unconscious, one of which was a very blocked, traumatised heart centre (I was told by a spiritual healer that this relates to past-life trauma I experienced with this person, which would seem to make sense, though how true that is I don't know). In the past few years I've had to deal with issues in all of my four lower energy centres, and I've made lots of progress particularly with regards to my root and sacral chakras (I had a lot of fear and upset stored in those areas), which are much clearer than they used to be, but I'm having ongoing issues with my solar plexus and heart chakras. 

What I'm feeling at the moment is a significant build-up of energy right in the middle of my chest; when I feel into this, I can sense that there's deep, deep grief there, but it's kind of mixed in with a lot of anger, too, which seems to be impeding the movement of the grief. What also seems to be complicating the issue is that I'm experiencing a lot of head pressure, too - there seems to be a connection between the pressure in my chest and the pressure in my head, though what the exact nature of that connection is, or how to work with it, I'm not really sure.

I'm meditating pretty intensively at the moment - a couple of hours a day - so maybe it's just a matter of time, but I just felt like getting it off my chest (no pun intended) as much as anything. Though if anyone has any insights to offer, I'm all ears 

 

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel Ah mate sorry to hear that, I suffered with feelings of intense loneliness a few years back and it felt unbearable at times, I really felt like I couldn't bear to be on my own. After a while I started to inquire into what exactly was so terrible about being on my own, and the truth was that I just felt like I couldn't bear to be alone with all the heartache I was feeling, I basically just wanted someone to kiss it all better. From that point on, I resolved to sit in meditation with my pain and just allow myself to feel it, and the feelings of loneliness dissipated after a while - along with the desire for a relationship, funnily enough.

[Cathal]

The first time I started meditation I came across metta, it was forgiveness. I remember a warm stinging pain arising in my chest, it's still here. 

I felt unloved my whole life, still have a lot of grief about that shit. Working on it though, it's really really slow. 

Good luck opening your heart man, lots of closed off hearts around.

This was the metta  thing btw 

 

 

[RickyFitts]

@catcat69123 Cheers bro, I'll give the guided meditation a go later  Forgiveness is definitely a big part of it I reckon, I've found in my own experience that emotions like anger and resentment tend to harden the heart. Easier said than done, obviously, but I'm working on it!

You're so right about the closed hearts - good luck opening yours too, man 

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel I remember a couple of years after I first started to awaken that I started to desire intimacy more and more, it was my heart's desire. And I got what I longed for, without even consciously looking for it - it just seemed to happen, certain people came into my life and I formed very strong, loving connections with them very quickly (things got very messy and painful thereafter, but that's another story - the phrase 'be careful what you wish for' comes to mind, but alas).

The universe has a way of making these things happen sometimes, when the intent is there. I hope you find what you're looking for, my friend.

[RickyFitts]

7 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I do not feel completely ready for that yet, i feel like there are still a lot of things i need to process first and also i am in no rush just to get into a relationship because i feel lonely or whatever.

Good stuff mate, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders - hope everything works out for you  

[Preety_India]

Sending you lots of love 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel bye

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India Bless you, thanks 

@Marcel Really glad to hear it mate  

[Preety_India]

@RickyFitts I hope you do well Ricky if that's your name. 

 

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India You're a sweetheart, Preety, thank you - my real name's Daniel, by the way  

@Marcel So often how it goes, we have to reach rock bottom before things start to get better  

[Preety_India]

@RickyFitts hey Daniel, just close your eyes and place your hand where you feel your heart in your chest and breathe deeply and say during each exhale, "I let go of all the hurt inside," and with every inhale say, "I am healing, I am love, I am peace, I experience nothing but love from every corner of the universe." 

Repeat this exercise many times a day.

Hope you heal fully and well and progress on your journey. 

Hugs. Preety. 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Preety_India

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India Yeah, that sounds like a great suggestion - I'll give it a try, thanks again  

19 minutes ago, Marcel said:

 

If we just have a compelling reason, for me it honestly just was wanting to stay alive, we can accomplish quite a lot of things.

That makes a lot of sense to me!

[RickyFitts]

Been noticing quite a lot of soreness at the front of my chest the past couple of days, which is an interesting development - I've experienced quite a few aches and pains in various parts of my body the last few years, as I'm working through different issues. Two-three years back, for example, I began to feel sharp pain in my intercostal muscles (they're the muscles between your ribs) which I remember feeling when I was a child of maybe  6-7 (never really concerned me back then, even though it was very painful - just seemed to be something I'd always had, so I didn't give it a second thought); I think there's going to be this physical aspect to spiritual liberation for most people, because we tend to store up so much trauma and emotional upset in our bodies, and I don't think you can ever really be truly free whilst these issues remain unresolved within the very cells of your body.

Boy, though, can these energetic blockages feel hella stubborn, Christ alive  The phrase that came to mind before was that one about the irresistible force (in this case, kundalini energy) meeting the immovable object (the blockage), which is pretty much how it feels in my body right now  Deary me, the blockages can feel bloody impenetrable a lot of the time... but they are gradually breaking down. It's testing my bloody patience though, and I was never especially blessed in that department 

[RickyFitts]

I'm noticing some soreness in my left wrist at the moment, I've become aware over the last few years of just how much tension is stored up in both of my wrists - it appears to be connected to my blocked heart chakra in some way, when I feel into the soreness I notice that it appears to be connected to some upset I feel in that area (and the heart apparently governs the arms and hands, so this would seem to make sense). 

Interesting to observe how it all links together. The pressure in my heart is still significant (as it is in my head), as are the feelings of deep upset and anger (oh the rage, the murderous, blistering rage!), but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

[RickyFitts]

55 minutes ago, Marcel said:

What helped me the most is deeply feeling into the rage, listening to a song that enhances this feeling even more, embracing it and then letting it go.

Be sure that you´re by yourself without any distractions when doing this, it can be quite intense and you might break down crying, at least that happened to me once, the rage was so huge that it turned weeping and crying my eyes out.

That was quite painful and uncomfortable, but it helped me a lot to release very deep rooted anger and straight up hatred for myself and others.

Deeply feeling into the rage - yeah, that's the key I think. I've come to realise that underneath every raging monster, there's a distraught child bawling its eyes out, but the tendency (particularly in men, and I'm no exception) is to get caught in the surface anger.

I actually had a bit of a breakdown a few months back where I just cried and cried, all this grief came pouring out of me; felt off for about a week after (lost my appetite, felt rather fragile), though it probably did me a lot of good in the long-run to get that out of my system. 

I'll keep in mind the suggestion about listening to music that enhances the feeling, though - thanks for your input, buddy, really appreciate it  

Quote

I just caught myself in this "I don´t need help" mindset again while writing this.

I guess im still in the very beginning stages of opening myself up to others.

Old habits die hard, pal! But honestly, you're doing so well, you're an example to others  

Edited August 27, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel You know, I remember the spiritual teacher Jon Bernie saying that God gives the strong ones the most to deal with, because they can deal with it, and I feel this is very true of you  May your life continue on an upward trajectory, my friend  

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

This is it.

The expression "giving the monster a hug" perfectly fits here.

I suppose anger needs compassion. A lot of compassion, understanding and acceptance.

Deeply feeling into it and fully understanding what is causing the inner child to want to beat up the whole world sometimes.

It feels really counterintuitive to do so, and especially as a men it may be difficult to become vulnerable and emotional.

Vulnerability really is a very strong tool for healing and energy release.

We need to get rid of the feeling, of humiliation, judgement, shame etc. for being vulnerable as men.

Suppressing emotions or even female desires can turn really toxic and destructive. Not only for ourselves, even for others.

Emotions always come back to the surface. No matter how hard we try to suppress them sometimes, they will stay exactly where they are.

They will either be expressed constructively or destructively. Everything we feel needs to be expressed in a healthy way.

And if we don´t do that, we just torture ourselves for no reason whatsoever.

 

I don't think I can even add anything to this, you've summed it up so beautifully  (I've never heard the expression 'giving the monster a hug', but I like it a lot! ) You're so right about the need for compassion, understanding, acceptance, and vulnerability - giving myself these things has been probably the most challenging thing I've had to do (and I had to end up in a very bad way before I learnt how to), but also the most rewarding. And I've developed so much compassion in the process, not only for myself but also for the human condition more generally - what an overwhelming ordeal it can seem to be human sometimes, and yet what a wonderful, exhilarating thing, too.

[RickyFitts]

3 hours ago, Marcel said:

"If fate is desperately trying to kill you, then you are made for greatness"

I can´t remember where i heard this for the first time, but damn i can so feel this quote.

Fuck, I love this quote!  

I'm so glad that things are starting to turn around for you, Marcel, I know how hard things have been for you. I understand you feeling humiliated by your vulnerability, I spilled my guts on another forum a few years back and then cringed at myself for revealing too much (or at least, so I believed), but other people often have much more compassion for us than we have for ourselves. It seems paradoxical, but expressing our vulnerability can take so much strength - and the funny thing is, when you allow yourself to be completely vulnerable, you realise that you're actually invulnerable. Life's fucked up like that, but it's fucked up in such a beautiful way  

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel You're wise beyond your years, my friend - I love you, bro  

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel Well, you certainly sound  wise to me, my friend