Expectations so high that they've become deadly?

[ted73104]

During my youth, I moved from Taiwan to the States, studied most of elementary school in the States. Then moved back to Taiwan, and continued middle school. The culture of schools back then was relatively more conservative than it was now, and totally different from that of the US schools. My parents were typical Asian parents who just wanted their kids to succeed in life, and they were also conservative Christians.

After we moved back to Taiwan, my parents really spent a lot of effort in getting me into the best schools. I totally couldn't fit in due to the difference in culture. This would be a second shock as when I moved to the States, I couldn't even speak English. So I think through most of my childhood, I couldn't keep up with the main group of kids and eventually became sort of disconnected. At first I didn't really care about my grades, and my parents although were very worried, they basically understood my situation and didn't really force me too much to study hard.

However when I got to high school in Taiwan, I got into this sort of private school where most of my classmates were like these type of rock star classmates. They not only performed well intellectually in terms of school grades, but were also socially pretty mature. I understand now that my classmates were like that because they came from households which were high up in the social ladder, where my parents' background was from a family of farmers and military soldiers. Eventually I really wanted to become like my classmates in every way. I tried to hang out with my classmates and be friends with them, but due to the relative dullness in my personality and a feeling of unworthiness because I had very bad school grades, I was always unable to become a true friend of theirs. Even though they would help me from time to time, I felt unwanted at times in the classroom. There was this huge feeling of loneliness which I was not fully conscious of, where I desperately wanted to become part of the group, but no one really gave a shit about me. It was like I wasn't even there.

When I got into a college in southern Taiwan, I was a lot happier. The culture there was more accepting and passionate. However the students there were like me, and I always had this feeling that although these guys are great, but this is not the group I ultimately want to be in. I wanted to be with the group of people that were killing it in life, who were sharp, bright, ambitious, charismatic, and knew what they wanted. 

I'm not in serious emotional pain right now, but I didn't know where else to post this. However I do have a problem now where it is ten years after college, I think no matter which level I'm at, I'm always chasing the next level. Deep down inside I always feel that my current level is not enough and I'm trying to get into social groups that I don't belong to. I also only like girls that I feel to be brilliant, and eventually when I know them long enough to think I could try to get into a relationship with them, their peers would be like alarmed to think I could even be with that type of girl. It would like I'm trying hard to know this girl but everyone is against me. And eventually I learn what I lack, this process just keeps on going because there is just a never ending amount of stuff you can learn in life.

I've followed Leo for five years now I think, and all this time watching his videos and reading other related materials really helped my situation to grow. However I realize now and then that I still don't fully accept myself. I still crave what is at the next level. I understand that I should just be happy with what I have and that I shouldn't use negative motivation to go forward, but there is just this deep emotion that I've not fully succeeded yet. I was trying to become more successful before, but now I'm trying to become more aware and conscious due to this negative motivation. I guess I'm just programmed this way due to the path I've travelled through, there is no changing it.

[Ilan]

Good realisation, don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t wait for the super brillant girl to fuck. There are plenty of girl to fuck. More over it will increase your chance to be with the brillant girl 

[ted73104]

@Ilan Hey, thank you very much for your response! I thought no one was going to respond, haha. 

You must have read my other response and learned that I did some wild stuff in night clubs after I abandoned my Christian path. Fortunately I've been able to grow from that experience and now am able to tell my friends that the excitement from fucking hot girls is really short lived. I wouldn't tell people that they shouldn't do it, but I can say from experience that if you choose to fuck lots of hot girls, it will close many doors for your chance to be with women who have real character. Real conscious and mature women will not be with these type of men, no matter how they change afterwards. So I've lost a bunch of opportunity to be with women who have inner beauty, which I've learned to appreciate later on. I'm still on the path of self-actualization and maturing and I haven't lost hope, but the girl I want to be with would be like the Lori Greiner or Vanessa Kirby type. Good news is that these type of single women are not as rare as I thought, it is just that they're level of consciousness is higher than mine and I just need more work to get closer to them.

However I've also abandoned many other choices. There's lots of girls who wanted to be with me in the past, and these were girls who were really suitable for me. However I just didn't feel satisfied because I just have this goddamn dream. Like many people said on this forum, happiness is a choice! And currently I'm just not capable of choosing it.

[Surfingthewave]

@ted73104 I resonated with your post. The feeling of a need to fit in and your parents wanting you to succeed. 

You hit the nail on the head with the title - the expectations for yourself are unachievable almost - so your life becomes a struggle. 

The best part about your post is recognising it. Professional help might be good to unpick your cultural, religious and societal expectations you put on yourself. Sounds like the perception you have of yourself is not of love but of constant chasing.

How do we change our deep rooted negative perceptions? Through spiritual practices. Through professional help. Through starting again. How can you give yourself Love? Take yourself on a date. Care for yourself. Do things you love. Start to break down those attachments you have to achievement and begin to realise you are enough. As you are right now, you are enough. Start to change those scripts. Change is yours so grab it and start to see the beauty in what you already are. 

[ted73104]

@Surfingthewave You are right, I need to live in the moment and see the beauty in what I've become already. Thank you for your response.

It is just that I've recently got the realization when I was alone that there are just some things I can never get no matter how hard I try in this life time. And it was interesting that at that moment, I could finally feel deep into the feeling of stubbornness I once had during my high school years. I just want to be like my classmates so they could love me and be friends with me genuinely. I guess I have an addiction to receiving love from people at that level. 

The spiritual and right path for me is just to let go, however I feel a huge emptiness when I try to let go of this feeling. I think I will need to find a larger love for myself in order to do so.