Venting

[Blackhawk]

3 hours ago, snowyowl said:

Sorry to hear you're feeling rough again I hope it gets better soon. 

Trying give you a glimmer of hope. The very fact that it feels like a struggle and a fight means there's a part of you which is resisting the loneliness and sadness, which believes there is an alternative. Then there's this other voice which insists there is no reward. So you're conflicted, split and fighting yourself between hope and hopeless. Please please don't give up on the hope. 

"and when you die, then what? You'll lose it all anyway."

I've already lost my childhood, my youth, my parents, many friendships,  etc loads of good things. But I've never lost the present moment. If we can find contentment in the here and now we can carry that with us even through death, if there is an after life. If not, then there won't be any awareness of loss anyway. Pure nothingness, pure everythingness. 

Thanks.

With "fight" and "struggle" I basically just meant that everything is a fight and struggle. So it doesn't mean that I'm resisting the loneliness and sadness. If that makes sense..

For example going to work is a fight and struggle. Why would I do that since I wont get any reward from it other than money. Which only keeps me alive so that I can keep suffering for no reward.

There's no point with anything because there's no reward to get from any of this.

[snowyowl]

@Blackhawk so if you unpack this a little, what's actually happening when you go to work? Why is it such a struggle? We all need money so will need to keep working in any case. 

[Blackhawk]

9 hours ago, snowyowl said:

@Blackhawk so if you unpack this a little, what's actually happening when you go to work? Why is it such a struggle? We all need money so will need to keep working in any case. 

I don't like working.

The work thing is just a example. Everything is a struggle. Even writing this message is a struggle, because I always have difficult to express myself.

Edited September 2, 2021 by Blackhawk

[snowyowl]

How is it difficult to express yourself? Is it a feeling like fear, anxiety or depression getting in the way of saying your words out loud? Or that you don't know what to say, as in not knowing how to have a regular conversation with your workmates? 

I'm getting a picture of your being lonely at home by yourself, then feeling excluded in work and social situations by something like social anxiety. So there's nowhere you feel comfortable. How would you diagnose yourself if you're ok to share that? 

By the way, how's it going with the book you were enjoying, Perfect Brilliant Stillness wasn't it? Is it any help? 

Sorry that's loads of questions isn't it. If it feels better to just vent, then please ignore me and have a good vent 

Edited September 2, 2021 by snowyowl

[Blackhawk]

On 2021-09-02 at 8:12 PM, snowyowl said:

How is it difficult to express yourself? Is it a feeling like fear, anxiety or depression getting in the way of saying your words out loud? Or that you don't know what to say, as in not knowing how to have a regular conversation with your workmates? 

It's all of those things.

On 2021-09-02 at 8:12 PM, snowyowl said:

I'm getting a picture of your being lonely at home by yourself, then feeling excluded in work and social situations by something like social anxiety. So there's nowhere you feel comfortable. How would you diagnose yourself if you're ok to share that? 

Yes.

I wouldn't diagnose me at all. But I'm sure doctors could give me several diagnoses, I don't want to name which.

On 2021-09-02 at 8:12 PM, snowyowl said:

By the way, how's it going with the book you were enjoying, Perfect Brilliant Stillness wasn't it? Is it any help? 

I finished the book.

It was good but it didn't help me. No book has ever helped me, or video or any advice from anyone.

On 2021-09-02 at 8:12 PM, snowyowl said:

Sorry that's loads of questions isn't it. If it feels better to just vent, then please ignore me and have a good vent 

It's ok, I kinda appreciate that someone writes something to me.

 

This is unrelated to this stuff but..

Man.. there's a woman at my work who has beautiful eyes, and when I talked with her about work-stuff she was looking laser-focused into my eyes all the time. That was all it took for me to get feelings for her.

I need to see her eyes and face again. And she's so kind too.

Anyways.. that was off-topic.  I know you will say that I should talk more with her and yadda yadda (no offense) but I wont. I can only hope that I have to talk more with her about work-stuff 

[Blackhawk]

I felt like crying when I was looking into her beautiful, loving, blue, soul piercing eyes. I wonder if she noticed that.

Imagine if I had lost it at that moment and started crying..

Edited September 4, 2021 by Blackhawk

[snowyowl]

"I wouldn't diagnose me at all. But I'm sure doctors could give me several diagnoses, I don't want to name which."

Sure the doctors don't always get it right, but you know you've got a problem otherwise you wouldn't be reaching out to us in the forum. I totally understand if you don't want to have a mental health label on your head, but you're stuck at the moment suffering the loneliness without seeing any way out.

"I finished the book.
It was good but it didn't help me. No book has ever helped me, or video or any advice from anyone."

That's true in a way for all of us, we're not directly helping each other just giving pointers. We've all got to take the initiative ourselves and make a commitment to something. Even if it's just acceptance and making peace with how things are.

"It's ok, I kinda appreciate that someone writes something to me."

Thanks, I also appreciate the chance to write and have people read me. 

"This is unrelated to this stuff but..

Man.. there's a woman at my work who has beautiful eyes, and when I talked with her about work-stuff she was looking laser-focused into my eyes all the time. That was all it took for me to get feelings for her.

I need to see her eyes and face again. And she's so kind too.

Anyways.. that was off-topic.  I know you will say that I should talk more with her and yadda yadda (no offense) but I wont. I can only hope that I have to talk more with her about work-stuff "

"I felt like crying when I was looking into her beautiful, loving, blue, soul piercing eyes. I wonder if she noticed that.

Imagine if I had lost it at that moment and started crying.."

Oh man, of course it's related, this is the whole point! Why not "lose it", what have you got to lose? Is "losing it" a Freudian slip for letting go of control over your bottled up emotions?

I'd be surprised if she didn't notice it and your difficulty talking, women are generally a lot more emotionally intelligent than us guys and tuned into our signals. Even if you only talk about work stuff for now, I'd say take the chance and practice talking anyway.

Edited September 4, 2021 by snowyowl

[Blackhawk]

@snowyowl Yeah she probably noticed it all.

[Roy]

Vent if you need to, that's good. But remember to inhale after the exhale .

On 8/16/2021 at 2:20 AM, Blackhawk said:

This can be objectively determined by looking at the pure facts.

There is no such thing as objectivity. You need to abandon the notion. It's subjectivity though and through.

[Blackhawk]

There's many different ways to suffer.

One can suffer from a broken arm. Or from getting cheated on. Or from living in Iraq with no money.

Or like in my case, forever being a lonely, disliked, unloved, unlikeable person. 

I think that my suffering is even bigger than the other kinds of sufferings that I mentioned. Because those other kinds of sufferings don't usually cause suicidal thoughts.

I'm probably one of the most suffering living beings in existence, because if I would suffer even more, then I would be dead. And anyone who would suffer more would committ suicide. Don't you think that's a logical conclusion? I think that makes perfect sense. Maximum suffering while still alive achieved.

Edited September 11, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Blackhawk]

12 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

There's many different ways to suffer.

One can suffer from a broken arm. Or from getting cheated on. Or from living in Iraq with no money.

Or like in my case, forever being a lonely, disliked, unloved, unlikeable person. 

I think that my suffering is even bigger than the other kinds of sufferings that I mentioned. Because those other kinds of sufferings don't usually cause suicidal thoughts.

I'm probably one of the most suffering living beings in existence, because if I would suffer even more, then I would be dead. And anyone who would suffer more would committ suicide. Don't you think that's a logical conclusion? I think that makes perfect sense. Maximum suffering while still alive achieved.

And all this while I'm in good health, live in a good country, and have money.

Isn't it interesting how suffering can look different.

[Blackhawk]

Women have been much more mean to me than men have.

 

This weekend seems to be another record-setting disastrous weekend. (That's not entirely linked to what I said above.)

Edited September 12, 2021 by Blackhawk

[snowyowl]

2 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

Women have been much more mean to me than men have.

How have women been mean? 

[Blackhawk]

1 hour ago, snowyowl said:

How have women been mean? 

Well, they love to doxx me on all forums where I write. I've been doxxed in total 3 times by 2 women, in 2 different forums.

I must now be super careful, I can't use Facebook anymore etc.

They love to treat me badly. They psychologically abuse me. Insult me, get angry at me, tell me how much they regret that they met me or started writing to me, how much I suck at stuff, how I'm not giving enough, how inadequate I am, etc. etc.

And of course, they are right.

Edited September 12, 2021 by Blackhawk

[snowyowl]

5 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

And of course, they are right.

I'm a bit confused now, do you think you deserve the way they treat you?  Or are they bullying you because of your disability (if you don't mind me calling it that)? 

Anonymity in forums is important to me, for security reasons apart from anything else. But that anonymity is a two edged sword, it means bullies and trolls get away with all sorts of abuse. Sorry to hear you're going through it man. 

[Blackhawk]

9 minutes ago, snowyowl said:

I'm a bit confused now, do you think you deserve the way they treat you?  Or are they bullying you because of your disability (if you don't mind me calling it that)? 

Anonymity in forums is important to me, for security reasons apart from anything else. But that anonymity is a two edged sword, it means bullies and trolls get away with all sorts of abuse. Sorry to hear you're going through it man. 

I don't think I deserve it. I usually tell them something like: "I already know that I'm completely worthless, you don't need to keep reminding me of that."

For example someone who is really fat knows that he/she is fat. Repeating to that person how fat he/she is is unnecessary and painful.

[snowyowl]

@Blackhawk  Most people have no idea how it feels being so depressed that you can say things like 'I'm completely worthless'. Added to a general insensitivity to people's feelings, especially online when you can't see each other face to face, means it's a jungle out there. I hope you find a better experience here in the Actualized forum? 

How do you feel about yourself, do you love yourself and have compassion through all your suffering? 

17 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

I already know that I'm completely worthless, 

I hope this won't offend, it's meant with kindness. But I wonder if there's more to this than just feeling worthless, is there a second part along the lines of ... I feel worthless and I want to feel worthy. Or, I'm unloved but I want to be loved. If so, then you want to have some change. 

You always tell us not to give you any advice or suggestions what to do differently, in other words we should simply accept you how you are right now. Without trying to change you. And I do accept you. If only you'd take your own advice and accept yourself warts and all, love yourself with your challenges and imperfections. End the fight, the inner conflict between, I need love & I'm unloveable. 

Wishing you a good week man. Keep talking and venting. 

Edited September 13, 2021 by snowyowl

[Blackhawk]

6 hours ago, snowyowl said:

How do you feel about yourself, do you love yourself and have compassion through all your suffering? 

There's nothing about me which is loveable, so I guess I don't love myself.

6 hours ago, snowyowl said:

 

I hope this won't offend, it's meant with kindness. But I wonder if there's more to this than just feeling worthless, is there a second part along the lines of ... I feel worthless and I want to feel worthy. Or, I'm unloved but I want to be loved. If so, then you want to have some change. 

You always tell us not to give you any advice or suggestions what to do differently, in other words we should simply accept you how you are right now. Without trying to change you. And I do accept you. If only you'd take your own advice and accept yourself warts and all, love yourself with your challenges and imperfections. End the fight, the inner conflict between, I need love & I'm unloveable. 

Wishing you a good week man. Keep talking and venting. 

Yes I want to be loved.

Thanks, have a good week you too.

Edited September 13, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Blackhawk]

@snowyowl Even if I would accept myself as I am, it wouldn't make a difference. Because then what? Would that suddenly somehow make me happy? How?

Maybe I even already have accepted myself as I am.

[snowyowl]

@Blackhawk  In my book, unconditional acceptance is part of love, so when you say you accept yourself but don't love yourself, it seems to show you've got different definitions to me. 

"Even if I would accept myself as I am, it wouldn't make a difference. Because then what? Would that suddenly somehow make me happy? How?"  

Well, there's two ways to approach this. You're taking what we might call the worldly approach, where you need to do something to make you happy, loveable or whatever. So acceptance looks like a practice you need to do with happiness as an end result. It seems impossible because you'll still have your psychological condition which is what you believe is causing the unhappiness in the first place. 

Alternatively there's what we could call the spiritual approach, where radical acceptance (=love) of the present moment is already happiness. Happiness isn't something created by following a practice, or getting the right circumstances into place, but more like uncovering our natural state (also love) which has been covered up by traumas and negative experiences in life, like the clouds obscuring the sun. It's like saying to the world, this is who I am, warts and all, I'm confident in my own skin and I'm not going to apologise for who I am. Take me or leave me. 

In practice I'd say it's a mixture of both, most of us can't live a purely spiritual life, we need some worldliness too. You already are loveable but the worldly part of me thinks you need to find the right people to mix with because not everyone's unconditionally accepting back at you. So it's a case of finding a suitable group setting, perhaps somewhere structured and supported, being friendly towards others and seeing what happens. But I've said all this already and I'm starting giving advice again so I'll leave it there.