Venting

[Blackhawk]

I'm not really looking for advice, but if you want to give advice then you can do that. But it wont help me.

 

I'm so frustrated at my life. Why can't it just end.

I'm done with life, but still alive.

I'm the biggest loser ever. This can be objectively determined by looking at the pure facts. (My definition of loser is: the less the opposite sex likes you, the bigger loser you are.)

Edited August 16, 2021 by Blackhawk

[PepperBlossoms]

Hey.  We all get frustrated at times.  I was extremely suicidal a week ago and on/off for the past 2 months and am feeling much better myself.  We can get in deep deep lows and can still come out the other side.

Yes life can be super frustrating.  It can also be rewarding when we can get past the frustration and can develop new skills/perspectives from the lows.

Our experience as we are having it now in the human body is (for all I know) temporary and so you are in luck - it will end.

Every moment is a death/rebirth/transformation.  We are changing constantly.  So this feeling you are feeling now can/will change - it is temporary.

Listen to your words: "I am the biggest loser ever."  Yes we all tell ourselves negative things, I am interested in working on that area personally.  The negative things we tell ourselves gets more and more complex and possibly harder to escape from.  But yes it can also be beneficial to use that information sometimes to work with - but if it gets too too negative, it can be doing more harm than good.   @Nahm had said something on another post that really helped me which was something like - everything is okay as it is now.  

You are not the biggest loser ever.  And even if you were, with "oneness", you are also the coolest person ever too.

Just because one person doesn't like you, doesn't mean that another person won't.

Also, instead of referring to something as "facts", think of it like an idea.  You never have all the info at once.  We are always looking at something with some bits of info and we miss lots of things and even if we get some more bits of info, which may totally change how we see it, we may still never get all of the info bits as well as can't escape our biases and also may have some info be lost in translation/communication - so we will kinda never have the full picture.

Sending hugs.

[PepperBlossoms]

2 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

I'm not really looking for advice, but if you want to give advice then you can do that. But it wont help me.

I can agree in that I tend to reach out to people and blow up their phones when I am super depressed and I tend to ignore everyone's advice as well - it is like they are trying to help me but I don't want their help - but then it is like - why am I reaching out to begin with if I am just going to ignore what everyone is saying?

But there is some benefit to taking in that information, even if I only pay attention to 1/10th of the suggestions/comfort people provide and that only 1/100th of the inputs I get are actually helpful - but it is that one bit that then may change.

It can be nice to figure it out on "our own" but yeah sometimes someone will provide some golden nugget somewhere in the conversation - one tiny bit of golden nugget - and then that drastically changes things... and maybe it is that golden nugget - and either we personally get to it or someone else leads us to it - and that helps change the situation from A to now B.  

I guess also just like getting multiple new perspectives of different ways to look at something that re-contextualizes it - doing that until we can reach a calmness and acceptance and be able to move on.

[snowyowl]

3 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

(My definition of loser is: the less the opposite sex likes you, the bigger loser you are.)

Folks here are happy to give advice, be a shoulder to cry on etc, but a consistent theme in your posts is that you just want a girlfriend. Of course you do, you're a young guy in need of a relationship and a sex life, so why not prioritise that with regular self-help and whatever therapy you need? Put all this spiritual stuff on the back burner and come back to it when your frustrations are healed. 

But that sounds like advice so feel free to ignore me  

Edited August 16, 2021 by snowyowl

[Blackhawk]

I should probably add (for those who haven't read about my stuff before) that I'm currently not suicidal.

But sometimes I fantasize about making a sudden unplanned spontaneous suicide, but I think that the risk (chance) that I'll do it in the near future is low.

@PepperBlossoms Thanks.

@snowyowl Thanks.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Blackhawk

[4201]

7 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

I'm so frustrated at my life. Why can't it just end.

If you were to sit on your couch and do literally nothing but stare at a wall and breathe, would you call this "life"?

You aren't forced to take part into that activity you call "life". You can just tune out anytime you want for as long as you want and then come back to it if you want.

No one is forcing you to go anywhere or do anything. If you don't want to experience anything you don't have to, you can close your eyes and plug your ears. You talk as if someone is forcing you to live but "living" is an activity you are doing right now, under the form of "venting". You can literally stop anytime if you don't like it, without permanently getting rid of your body.

 

[Blackhawk]

1 hour ago, 4201 said:

If you were to sit on your couch and do literally nothing but stare at a wall and breathe, would you call this "life"?

You aren't forced to take part into that activity you call "life". You can just tune out anytime you want for as long as you want and then come back to it if you want.

No one is forcing you to go anywhere or do anything. If you don't want to experience anything you don't have to, you can close your eyes and plug your ears. You talk as if someone is forcing you to live but "living" is an activity you are doing right now, under the form of "venting". You can literally stop anytime if you don't like it, without permanently getting rid of your body.

No it doesn't work like that. You can't tune out by sitting and doing nothing.

[4201]

19 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

No it doesn't work like that. You can't tune out by sitting and doing nothing.

Hahaha I mean it works for me 

[Blackhawk]

8 minutes ago, 4201 said:

Hahaha I mean it works for me 

Okay.. good for you.

[PepperBlossoms]

What we do to help ourselves ends up hurting ourselves and vice versa.

Its counterintuitive to be like, the stuff I am doing to aide my survival is hurting my survival (or someone else's).  Where we step for comfort ends up hurting and causing pain and then it can feel like the best option is to just stop going for comfort because it is too painful to do that.

[Waken]

Here another definition of success
Success= being yourself/being aligned with yourself

[Blackhawk]

Venting again..

I think this is the worst day of the week for me, the day before a new workweek starts again. I seriously don't want this shit anymore.

If I ever kill myself it will probably be on the day before a new workweek.

 

Another thing which is on my mind: it's not fun to be a worthless loser who isn't liked by anyone. Everyone are better than me, everyone. It's almost weird how it's possible to be the biggest loser on the entire planet. I guess that's the only thing I'm good at.

[snowyowl]

Hi again  Yeah, having a job you (mostly) like, and with prospects makes a huge difference to your confidence and energy levels. You've held down this job for a while now haven't you, so you'll probably get a decent reference to help get another job? Or maybe do some home study to improve your qualifications and skills to get a better job. 

What career do you really want anyway?

[Blackhawk]

@snowyowl Hi.

Yes I've had the job for a while.

I wouldn't like any job anyway. There's no career which I would like. I hate everything. Or maybe it would be nice to get paid for having sex with hot girls (being a pornstar), but that's of course not possible.

[hamedsf]

don't determine your happiness by the attraction of opposite sex for now. I know it's hard but you should be okay with it.

if you don't attract attention from females, you might as well, do things that make a personal and special lifestyle for yourself.

building and living that life style full of passion and joy will attract the attention of a female.

[Eph75]

@Blackhawk

The disease of pessimism and negativity is that it is just that, a disease that spread and infects increasingly more of our ways of thinking, until such a point that all and everything is pecieved as being pitch black and without future prospect. 

A self-created state based on a catalyzer we once upon a time didn't handle with care, that caused us to spiral out of control and into that blackness. 

We effectively snuff out all light there is, without realizing that we're the ones responsible for that doing. 

This is something that we hold the power to change, and the first thing to overcome is the negative thought that it isn't possible for me.

Just like we were able and we are responsible for getting ourselves there, we are equally able and responsible to getting ourselves out of it. 

Of course it's not something that must happen.

So how do we create the incentive to create change within ourselves, an attitude shifting event, which is not the blind reliance on mere happenstance, something we don't believe in anyways?

Would you allow yourself to be experience happiness if it showed up right in front of you? 

Edited August 24, 2021 by Eph75

[Blackhawk]

10 hours ago, hamedsf said:

don't determine your happiness by the attraction of opposite sex for now. I know it's hard but you should be okay with it.

if you don't attract attention from females, you might as well, do things that make a personal and special lifestyle for yourself.

building and living that life style full of passion and joy will attract the attention of a female.

That would be nice, but it's not possible.

9 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Would you allow yourself to be experience happiness if it showed up right in front of you? 

Yes.

[Blackhawk]

Completely meaningless/pointless struggle. Non-existence would be much better. Life is absurd.

[Blackhawk]

What the hell am I struggling, fighting and suffering for? Absolutely nothing. There's no reward for me.

Even you people who are better persons and have better lives than me: Leo said in his recent video that good things takes time to develop. Ok, and when you die, then what? You'll lose it all anyway.

That's one of the most absurd things about life.

Edited August 31, 2021 by Blackhawk

[snowyowl]

17 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

What the hell am I struggling, fighting and suffering for? Absolutely nothing. There's no reward for me.

Sorry to hear you're feeling rough again I hope it gets better soon. 

Trying give you a glimmer of hope. The very fact that it feels like a struggle and a fight means there's a part of you which is resisting the loneliness and sadness, which believes there is an alternative. Then there's this other voice which insists there is no reward. So you're conflicted, split and fighting yourself between hope and hopeless. Please please don't give up on the hope. 

"and when you die, then what? You'll lose it all anyway."

I've already lost my childhood, my youth, my parents, many friendships,  etc loads of good things. But I've never lost the present moment. If we can find contentment in the here and now we can carry that with us even through death, if there is an after life. If not, then there won't be any awareness of loss anyway. Pure nothingness, pure everythingness. 

Edited September 1, 2021 by snowyowl