Venting

[4201]

11 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

Disliked by all females.

Do you realize that being liked or disliked is a matter of what you do/how you act and not who you are?

 

If I go to the classroom and be a total dick, pretending I'm better than everyone, everyone will hate me. If I'm nice to everyone then maybe half of the people will like me. But I'm fully capable of both behavior and there's no need to identify with one or the other. E.g. thinking "I'm a dick, I can't help it, I'm forced to act out like a dick everytime I see someone".

 

If you had negative experiences with women it is due to things you've done or said that were likely not fun for the other person. If you take consciousness of those behaviors you can just drop those behaviors and try again, iteratively, until you are at a point where people enjoy your company. In no way identifying with those behaviors and thinking "you are like that" is going to ever be helpful and this identification process too is a behavior which is deeply unattractive to anyone. No one wants to be around someone who think they are a loser.

 

Instead of saying some generality like "disliked by all females" you may find more value in understanding exactly what in your previous attempt went wrong, what made you disliked by that specific person. If you are a fan of Truth then you should know speaking in generality is the best way to be wrong.

Edited December 15, 2021 by 4201

[Blackhawk]

@4201

Who I am is disliked by all females.

And I can't change who I am.

You just don't understand because you were lucky to get a good brain.

If you would borrow my brain for a month you would then afterwards say to me: "Damn man, I didn't know that your brain sucked so hard. I understand now that you can't change and are doomed to be despised by all females for the rest of your life. I now appreciate that I won the life lottery by be given this amazing fucking brain which can easily give me girlfriends. My condoleances to you that you are stuck with your shitty brain. The best solution would be if you kill yourself." 

But the problem is of course that the truth is so ugly and tough to swallow that only few people can stomach and accept the harsh truth.

Edited December 15, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Blackhawk]

@4201 I always do my best anyway. Still I'm never good enough.

[Javfly33]

@Blackhawk What you mean By the brain? So Girls now get attracted/not attracted to how neurons are displayed in each brain?

 

[Blackhawk]

Just now, Javfly33 said:

@Blackhawk What you mean By the brain? So Girls now get attracted/not attracted to how neurons are displayed in each brain?

You know what I mean.

You are your brain. Whole your personality, everything that you do, everything that you think, etc., is done by the brain.

[4201]

@Blackhawk That might be what your brain is thinking right now but not what the brain is. Maybe you think you know what you are/what the brain is, but notice that is a thought the brain is having right now. The brain cannot be a thought since it is the thing that has thoughts. This idea of "being someone who sucks at dating/is disliked" is a thought the brain is experiencing right now (and it feels bad), and not the brain itself. You aren't this, you just think it's you because you may have been thinking that your whole life.

How to stop thinking that? How to let go of that deeply dysfunctional and destructive idea? Meditation

26 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

@4201 I always do my best anyway. Still I'm never good enough.

You do your best but if everytime you fail you start desesperating and thinking you'll never make it, you are distracting yourself from getting better.

If you have 1000 steps to do on a walk it's easy, anyone can do this. But if at every step you make you spend 30 minutes hardcore doubting yourself and hesitating you'll never complete those 1000 steps. Let go of those misconceptions you have about what you are and you'll be free to get what you want. 

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by 4201

[Blackhawk]

@4201 I disagree about everything you say.

[4201]

2 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

@4201 I disagree about everything you say.

I'm simply offering a counter perspective here, I'm well aware of what your perspective, notice where your perspective have brought you in life and the results it is producing. In the end you don't have to agree with me on anything. You can find your own answers all by yourself with Meditation.

Notice this stubborness you have only will drive you deeper into your self beliefs, deeper into misery and "not being able to" with women.

What is there to lose in trying Meditation consistently everyday for a month for example? Even if I and @Nahm and everyone else on this forum are total clowns for suggesting meditation, what will you have lost? 20 minutes per day? What are you doing all day that is so valuable you wouldn't want to spend 20 minutes doing something that can change your life? If you really want a girlfriend, why would you not try anything to get one?

Alternatively, a safe and low amount of non-hard psychedelics like Shrooms or LSD could help you "unblock" your state of mind and show you what is possible. If you really believe your brain is "screwed" and "locked" into "being bad with women" then what do you have to lose again? If you are right about having a "locked brain" then you'd see that psychedelics do not affect you.

In the end I really wish you the best man. I really hope you can find freedom from those ideas but at the same time I can't do anything for you but to share my own perspective and suggestions. 

[4201]

To some extent my main "life trauma" was something relatively similar to yours so perhaps you'd find value in listening to it. This reply will contain no suggestions or "things you should do" but rather, I'll just tell you my story.

When I was 3 year old my parents separated (Mom cheated on my Dad) and after a little while, my Dad was dating my step-mom. Due to the heartbreak of my Dad with my Mom, my Dad was a bit insecure and really cared about keeping my step-mom. It turned out my step-mom had very bad experiences with her step-mom and she felt "weird" about me because she was very scared of "being a bad step-mom" just like her was. At some point she said to me (in front of my Dad) that I can call her "Mom" which being a 4 year old I responded "I already have a Mom!" which kinda hurt her. At the time I was 4 year old so I didn't really understand it but it kinda hit her in the face hard. 

My Dad who was really trying to keep my step-mom at the time did his best to "patch things up" and make our new reconstituted family work despite the friction between my step-mom and me. As time passed, I started being excluded from dinner conversations in a quite rude manner by my dad and I didn't understand why. Yet when my step-mom wasn't there, my Dad gave me all his exclusive attention kind of to "make up" for when she was there. 

From all of this situation, I started being quite shy with my step-mom although when I was younger I wasn't at all. I was scared of doing something wrong again and hurting her feelings but didn't understand any of why all of that was. Since I didn't understand anything, I ended up interpreting the sitation as "me being bad with women". That's why I'm shy, that's why Dad doesn't let me participate in conversations with his women and etc. When my sister came out I also was shy with her for similar reasons, validating this idea that "I'm shy/I'm bad with women".

As life went on, this belief kept being more and more internalized as "who I am". In high-school at first I had a lot of friends (all men) but then they started hanging out with women and in this situation, I was literally frozen by fear. My own self-identity revolved around being too shy to talk with them. It didn't take long until I was ruled out as a loser because of this and I lost my "popular friend circle" and ended up hanging out with the other "rejects" in high school because of this.

This whole thing also sparked a big reaction in myself : the need to compensate. The logic was that if I'm really bad with women, I'll need some other way to get them to like me. One way to do that was to become really good at math at school. I wanted to become extremely rich, popular and powerful so I could finally have a "princess" that would respect me. I always assumed that I had to be ashamed of who I was and I had to gain my respect of others through this hard work.

This lasted up until college (after highscool) where performance was becoming even of a concern for me. At the time I didn't even try to get a girlfriend because I assumed nobody would ever want me until I'm super rich and popular. My quest for higher performance lead me to seek higher productivity which lead me to Leo. At first I listened to his videos about how to get shit done, how to stop being shy, which helped me a lot. Then I started Meditation, which at first felt like it did nothing but over time, became a "must" since not doing it would always lead to self desesperation and procrastination.

I was also active on the forum at the time (different account, won't mention old username publicly) and I thought every one here was going bananas. What are these morons in their delusions taking DRUGS of all things? I had a lot of argument with a lot of people on there about their effects on the brain, safety and etc. I was also doing my own research in scientific papers to try to "prove" that psychedelics are bad for you. After a year of research however, I was forced to conclude that those substances have absolutely no negative effect on the body and I ended up trying my first tab of acid (I think in 2018).

This trip was probably the best of my life. I couldn't believe how much fun I was having and how all I had to do to become more productive was to chill. After this first trip I wanted MUCH MORE and so I immediately ordered 5-MeO-DMT and started doing some of that every 2 week and LSD every 2 other week. This couple of months of my life were really fun and amazing, I don't think I had that much pleasure since then. That period was characterized by being high energy, high mood almost all of the time and basically no obstacle being a problem either. I had in mind of getting a girlfriend though but since those couple of months were in the summer, I left that task for september as University would start again.

In september life was still fun. I was flirting with a girl in my class while another girl was flirting with me. I was in a weird dynamic of flirting with a girl that didn't really want me and rejecting another girl that wanted me but that I didn't want. At that time I had never been into any relationship appart from one that lasted 2 dates in 2 weeks.  As the semester progressed however, it seemed more and more clear that the girl I had a crush on didn't want me, yet I was falling into the beliefs that I had "obsessive thoughts about her" and I couldn't control what I was thinking anymore, despite the 1 hour of meditation per day at the time. I ended up asking my crush out, knowing she would say no, just to make it all "stop" as I was under the idea I couldn't stop fantacizing about her anymore.

After she rejected me I came back home and then next day I did my personal highest dose of LSD : 300 µg. I had spend the previous night "recovering" and I believed at the time that I was "over it" it was no big deal. This trip was the biggest nightmare I had every experienced. It felt like my body was falling appart, everything stopped making sense and I was deeply ashamed of who I was, more than I ever was. Turned out this awakened my trauma of "thinking I'm bad with women" as I got a case of me not doing great with women. (Previously I just didn't care/ didn't think about it). After this trip I was traumatized, believed I had screwed up my brain permanently and was deeply ashamed.

It is clear to me today that this trip was trying to make me challenge the idea that "I'm someone who's bad with women" but at the time I was way too afraid and interpreted it as "my death". Since I believed I was that thought I was becoming extremely defensive and did everything I could to defend that thought. As a result I called my family, made a big conflict, told them I was on LSD. Bad times hahaha

It took me couple of years after that to work on this trauma and realize it was just an identitication I had about myself. I wasn't the shame, I wasn't the "bad with women" that's just an idea and that idea felt really bad. Following the bad trip, I had my first self realization in the middle of the night. Then I continued meditating, reading books like Eckhart Tolle and Peter Ralston and tripping. I ended up retracing I think mostly everything about my trauma. Why it happened, what it is I thought that is wrong and how I was bringing this idea in my present moment. I'm giving you my current best approximation of what happened here but perhaps I'll find out more about those beliefs in the future. In any case, I do not need to care about them anymore, they are no longer believed or thought, only, I believed them for about 20 years in the past.

Despite "figuring out what went wrong", it wasn't immediately easy to get a girlfriend. I had other experiences, other failures (which also were followed by other bad LSD trips lol, but less bad) but about 3 years after my initial failure, it's finally working out! I'm in my first real relationship for the first time and it's been about 4 months. I'm super happy about it and she even trips on Shrooms with me! (How amazing).

In the end, I got into a relationship, despite believing with everything I had that I was deeply bad with women. That's my story. Yours will be different in many ways but I'm sure there are some similarities. In any case, I hope this was helpful or if it wasn't, at least it was relatively enjoyable to read.

 

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by 4201

[Blackhawk]

6 hours ago, 4201 said:

 You can find your own answers all by yourself with Meditation.

What is there to lose in trying Meditation consistently everyday for a month for example? Even if I and @Nahm and everyone else on this forum are total clowns for suggesting meditation, what will you have lost? 20 minutes per day? What are you doing all day that is so valuable you wouldn't want to spend 20 minutes doing something that can change your life?

Meditation isn't going to solve my problem.

I have tried meditation before, it didn't help.

20 minutes isn't a insignificant amount of time and I also hate to meditate.

 

About your story: okay I see.  I don't have much to comment about it.

[silene]

18 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

About your story: okay I see.  I don't have much to comment about it.

 No judgement, I know this is only a forum and not real life, but when you're chatting with women, do you have the same difficulty finding things to say?  I mean, @4201 shares his life story, bares his soul and it doesn't spark any response within you. Is this what you mean by not having a good brain?  Maybe it's not that women don't like you, but you just don't give off the signals and vibes in conversation that you are interested in them and want to get to know them better (when in fact you do).  So maybe it appears to them that you don't like them, rather than the other way round. A communication issue?  

On 15/12/2021 at 5:04 PM, Blackhawk said:

If you would borrow my brain for a month you would then afterwards say to me: "Damn man, I didn't know that your brain sucked so hard. I understand now that you can't change and are doomed to be despised by all females for the rest of your life.

 I was picking up on your mention of brain, rather than mind, it may not be significant as there's obviously a lot of overlap between physical and psychological. But do you think your problem is neurological? If the problem's in the brain, are you looking for a diagnosis? 

Saying things about yourself like 'women dislike me', 'my brain sucks', 'I'm never good enough' is like repeatedly hitting yourself with microaggressions   and over time this builds up into a traumatised emotional state.  

[Blackhawk]

2 hours ago, silene said:

 No judgement, I know this is only a forum and not real life, but when you're chatting with women, do you have the same difficulty finding things to say?  I mean, @4201 shares his life story, bares his soul and it doesn't spark any response within you. Is this what you mean by not having a good brain?  Maybe it's not that women don't like you, but you just don't give off the signals and vibes in conversation that you are interested in them and want to get to know them better (when in fact you do).  So maybe it appears to them that you don't like them, rather than the other way round. A communication issue?  

Yes I always have a difficulty with finding things to say. I think that's the main reason why no one likes me. But I also have other problems, like jealousy, camera-shyness, phone-shyness, etc.

Yes that's what I mean with not having a good brain.

2 hours ago, silene said:

I was picking up on your mention of brain, rather than mind, it may not be significant as there's obviously a lot of overlap between physical and psychological. But do you think your problem is neurological? If the problem's in the brain, are you looking for a diagnosis? 

Saying things about yourself like 'women dislike me', 'my brain sucks', 'I'm never good enough' is like repeatedly hitting yourself with microaggressions   and over time this builds up into a traumatised emotional state.  

All problems are neurological.

No nervous system= no problems.

Our entire psyche is emergent from physical stuff. So psychological= physical. Same thing.

No I'm not looking for a diagnosis.

"'women dislike me', 'my brain sucks', 'I'm never good enough'"   are all facts.

[Jacob Morres]

9 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

"'women dislike me', 'my brain sucks', 'I'm never good enough'"   are all facts.

facts  thoughts you've identified with . You can see through their illusion with enough presence . If you practice eckhart tolle mindfulness you'll notice these are thoughts not truth 

 

Tara Brach on Real But Not True: Freeing Ourselves from Harmful Beliefs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn8c1ex_eWs&t=

 

The beliefs are probably stemmed from some trauma which youve identified with and then spent many years in confirmation bias with that belief. I know bcuz i'm still undoing mine but ive made a lot of progress in the last 3 months 

Since psychology is so complex i cant give advice because i dont know you personally - but trauma work by david r hawkins and self-image therapy has been helping me with this

 

these realities are also available to you. 'Women love me', 'my brain is great', 'i'm good enough as you are'. not instantly but a work in progress. good luck! 

 

PSA: This is just a reflection of my own healing process and not meant to be diagnosed advice to everyone

Edited December 17, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Blackhawk]

@Jacob Morres Ffs.. How can I prove to you guys that women don't like me, that I'm never good enough, and that my brain sucks? It's weird that you refuse to accept what I'm saying.

I have talked to a few women in this forum, and they all hate me. So maybe they can write here and let everyone know how much they hate me. I should collect all my haters and fill this thread with them, maybe then you would believe me. This thing should get settled once and for all, enough is enough. Everyone needs to know how much I suck and how worthless I am.

Edited December 17, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Jacob Morres]

@Blackhawk damn bro, i empathize with you bcuz if i hadnt had some lucky experiences i would have felt the same way. i felt like that for over 5+ years. it's not true, i would definietely put some effort into help and finding some friends/therapists who can help 

every self-image you have about yourself, it doesn't matter what it is for the most part is just a confirmation bias. i'm smart, i'm stupid. i'm funny, i'm unfunny, im attractive, i'm unattractive, i'm lovable, i'm unlovable etc. etc. are just self-fulfilling prohecies and confirmation bias. 

but how do you undo these confirmation biases/self-image? 

ime what worked for me: 

Eckhart tolle

Law of attraction 

6 Pillars of self-esteem

Mindset - Carol dweck 

Tom Bilyeu

Good philosophies and teachers that help

Good friends to help

An intention and desire to improve

Meditation

Self-image therapy

It took many years for me to undo it so I understand. It's not an easy process, but there is a light (and other methods)

To me it seems as though you just wanted to be validated. Which is totally okay. I understand that pain you feel. it's so real and i understand. It's also not true, an illusion

Edited December 17, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Ananta]

1 hour ago, Blackhawk said:

This thing should get settled once and for all, enough is enough. Everyone needs to know how much I suck and how worthless I am.

Okay. I'll play along. You suck and your worthless....Now what?

You don't want help from ppl, therapy or medication (that's been proven time and time again). You aren't interested in any self improvement or ways to change, because you say you can't/won't, whatever.

Basically, for years now (this and your other prior account) you just moan, groan and gripe about how bad you suck, with absolutely no interest in self-improvement.

To be honest, that's fine, don't, it only hurts you, but WHY come on here and waste people's time? Alot of these ppl haven't followed you and don't realize they are wasting their time...until they they've wasted their time.

It's really not fair to them, because all you want is for someone to agree with you and say you are a complete waste of a human, so you can victimize yourself. Which of course isn't true, but you are convinced and can not be,  not convinced, so maybe everyone should play along, because for YEARS ppl have tried to uplift you and give you advice (you never take it) and if anything you've gotten worse!

 

[Blackhawk]

2 hours ago, Ananta said:

Okay. I'll play along. You suck and your worthless....Now what?

You don't want help from ppl, therapy or medication (that's been proven time and time again). You aren't interested in any self improvement or ways to change, because you say you can't/won't, whatever.

Basically, for years now (this and your other prior account) you just moan, groan and gripe about how bad you suck, with absolutely no interest in self-improvement.

To be honest, that's fine, don't, it only hurts you, but WHY come on here and waste people's time? Alot of these ppl haven't followed you and don't realize they are wasting their time...until they they've wasted their time.

It's really not fair to them, because all you want is for someone to agree with you and say you are a complete waste of a human, so you can victimize yourself. Which of course isn't true, but you are convinced and can not be,  not convinced, so maybe everyone should play along, because for YEARS ppl have tried to uplift you and give you advice (you never take it) and if anything you've gotten worse!

It has been years, and it has only got worse because I can't improve.

I have never asked for advice, read my first post:

"I'm not really looking for advice, but if you want to give advice then you can do that. But it wont help me."

And also read the title of this thread: "Venting".

 

Anyway, see how much Ananta hates me, notice how angry she is.

I think I'll contact 3 more haters who can tell you guys how much I suck. Then maybe finally you people can stop saying that I don't suck.

Edited December 17, 2021 by Blackhawk

[silene]

IMO people here are trying to be kind to you in various ways, and what's being "disliked" (ie pointed out as unhelpful) is not you, but the self-defeating thought patterns and resistance to what help is available out there. Even if you do have an incurable neurological condition, maybe there are therapies which can reduce the level of suffering. 

No judgement again, but an observation. I'm happy to be told I'm wrong if you disagree.  You apparently don't have inspiration about what to say to other people in a conversation (especially women), how to engage in the to-and-fro of sharing stories, feelings and body language with them, and create friendships etc. Yet when it comes to talking about yourself, you have this tremendous energy and passion for saying how you are disliked and how you suck, how there's no hope etc. No shortage of inspiration there. 

I know we can't all be extroverts, I'm an introvert too. You have the energy and ability to create thoughts, but can you see the effect of the energy and attention being directed inwards all the time, creating this downward cycle of loneliness, suffering and getting 'stuck' inside yourself? What's needed is for some of the energy to direct outwards, having a genuine curiosity and interest in others' wellbeing and happiness (ie not just for your own goal of getting a girlfriend).  

Actually, "venting" is a good name for this thread; the self-directed energy builds up such a pressure you can't hold it in, and it needs to let off steam like a geyser. Better not to bottle it up in the first place. The world wants your energy shared round in a positive way.  

If the obstacle is a brain condition or mental health issue, then it's a pity you don't at least explore the available help, you don't know it won't work if you don't try.  

I wish you all the best and have a good Christmas, man. 

Edited December 17, 2021 by silene

[Ananta]

@Blackhawk

All you use to do was ask for advice/help, but then you never took any of the advice and it pissed ppl off, because it became clear you just had a victim mentality and just wanted to complain, but with an audience that would feel sorry for you.

So, your new tactic is to still post the same stuff within your threads, but first saying that you're "venting" or something like it and saying you "don't want advice", so that you can say what you just did if your called out. 

If that's truly the case, then post in a journal and ask for no comments/replies to that journal. Otherwise, I call bullshit.

My biggest gripe with you is that you do nothing to help yourself, but complain that your situation hasn't improved. It's not going to improve, because you have communication/social anxiety issues your not working on. 

Also, you can take my posts as me "hating you" (childish) or as constructive criticism. Your choice. 

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Ananta

[Ananta]

8 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

I think I'll contact 3 more haters who can tell you guys how much I suck.

Damn, it seems you use this forum like a dating app. ?