Looking for tips on developing a thick skin

[Thought Art]

I am noticing in my social interactions with others I can fall into a weak, people pleasing mindset. It's like I feel like I need this persons patronage, like, or well opinion of me. I don't want to act this way, yet I realize I also need to be liked by people in order to have success in business and to have enjoyable social relationships. I have a few books I will refer to over the coming weeks. But I am wondering if people have tips, books, or resources to help me navigate developing a thicker skin in social interactions and in business. I think I need more experience but I notice how easily I get put into a weird, anxious fight or flighty sort of posture/ nervous system state. I think it will continue to happen until I have actually developed a thicker skin, developed further along in my cognitive behavioural therapy and developed a more balanced and integrated nervous system. 

I find myself strong in grounded in some situations, yet overly neeeeeedy in other situations. I sense thick skin isn't something you read about to develop, thought balancing theory and practice is important. I need to continue to just get roughened up. More experience is probably key.

Looking for books, tips, videos etc

Edited August 15, 2021 by Thought Art

[asifarahim]

For thick skin  read thick face black heart.

For masculinity read way of men by jack donovan.it has healthy stage red and purple wisdom in it.

Also check a book gorilla mindset by mike cernovich.

For applying machiavellianism read 48 laws of power and 33 strategies of war by robert green

If u wanna completle get out of nice guy syndrome read no more mr nice guy by robert grover.

All.of these are related

[PepperBlossoms]

This may not apply but I think one thing that is helpful is to stop taking all drugs.

I have found that although I was using them for making me feel better/cope or get insights/epiphanies, they really really hurt me in terms of being calm, okay with things, taking responsibility, motivation, etc. and hence more reactive, on edge, jumpy, critical, anxious, etc.

Thicker skin is then no longer needed in the same way because I am in a more calm frame of mind and can be more at ease when interacting with others and enjoy it more.

I could be totally wrong but I am assuming that the longer I am off drugs, the more confidence I will be able to build up.

Then may not get bothered by stuff as easily and even if someone says something, it may not be as big of a deal.

Can start to notice - is that person being egotistical or is the info they are providing really helpful and am I the problem?

Yes I think the more experience we get in interacting with others, the easier it will get and the more skills we will have - - which just happens with time.

Also could see who you are around and if they are constantly bringing you down or are lifting you up.

I think we are more needy when we are at our lows and less needy when we are at our highs but also we need people who can help provide us with a support system and if we aren't really getting that or things seem to be getting worse and worse, we can get more needy.

Edited August 15, 2021 by PepperBlossoms

[Thought Art]

41 minutes ago, PepperBlossoms said:

This may not apply but I think one thing that is helpful is to stop taking all drugs.

I have found that although I was using them for making me feel better/cope or get insights/epiphanies, they really really hurt me in terms of being calm, okay with things, taking responsibility, motivation, etc. and hence more reactive, on edge, jumpy, critical, anxious, etc.

Thicker skin is then no longer needed in the same way because I am in a more calm frame of mind and can be more at ease when interacting with others and enjoy it more.

I could be totally wrong but I am assuming that the longer I am off drugs, the more confidence I will be able to build up.

Then may not get bothered by stuff as easily and even if someone says something, it may not be as big of a deal.

Can start to notice - is that person being egotistical or is the info they are providing really helpful and am I the problem?

Yes I think the more experience we get in interacting with others, the easier it will get and the more skills we will have - - which just happens with time.

Also could see who you are around and if they are constantly bringing you down or are lifting you up.

I think we are more needy when we are at our lows and less needy when we are at our highs but also we need people who can help provide us with a support system and if we aren't really getting that or things seem to be getting worse and worse, we can get more needy.

Those are all good tips. I especially know stoners who think they have social anxiety. Which is probably true, but when your stoned you are prone to anxiety and... Learning to develop self esteem through a sound and sober mind is important. Use them maturely and not chronically. 

It's important to feel into what is there I think. But, important not to be dogmatic to others.

I have noticed this neediness since childhood and I don't think it's drug related. 

[Bob Seeker]

Pickup is good for this.

Blue collar jobs can help too I’ve found?

consider joining an underground fightclub as well.

You can push the limits a little bit. Leo once recommended taking 5+ minutes ordering at Starbucks during peak hour and holding up the line.

I gave speeches at the mall to strangers. If they say they don’t want to hear your speech when you ask, go ahead and give it to them anyway.

try being mindful of how you are sacrificing your integrity and own needs while you are doing it and make an effort to stop. 
 

it’s a long journey of growth, you don’t get permanently better over night.

[somegirl]

This is a problem of people pleasing. You feel like someone else's behaviour can easily disrupt your mood and make your whole day go downhill. And you feel like you constantly depend on other people for your happiness. I got you. 

Have you watched Leo's video "The Root Solution to People Pleasing & Loneliness"? It talks about taking away authority from other people and redirecting it to yourself (because everything is fundamentally imaginary and authority is not "out there" out of our reach, but we create it). 

Also, Leo's video called "How Modern Branding Exploits and Abuses You" which seemingly doesn't have anything to do with your problem, but in fact it teaches people who are prone to exploitation (people-pleasers mostly) how to avoid being a target for abusers and manipulators. I think it is also important thing to learn. Personally this is my all-time favorite episode, in terms that I listened it in one go and there is also so many advices that might help you a bunch with what you're dealing with right now. 

(coming from a recovering ex people-pleaser)

[Thought Art]

I am thinking it's going to take practice and inner unification. My mind always finds something to ruminate on. I am noticing it. Same structure, different content. And different negative results. 

I have practices, resources and am improving everyday.

Edited August 15, 2021 by Thought Art

[Alex_R]

Join a Dojo, get a job in Sales. Listen Dan Peña / john somnez podcast

[Eren Eeager]

It is  just a something you develope overtime with proper awareness and practice. Awareness of how you are acting like and how you feel and how you should be actually acting and feeling like. It is like a bad habit you want to get rid of. Embracing masculinity takes time but it is very doable. You will eventually look back at yourself and laugh at how silly you were acting like.

It also helps to clear the mind regularly of any limiting beliefs about people pleasing or being "nice" or whatever. Clear the mind of any beta shit and gradually embrace the alpha.

[Esilda]

@Thought Art so....................... in what kind of social situations do you experience the most social anxiety? 

[Preety_India]

Machiavellianism

 

[Thought Art]

6 hours ago, Esilda said:

@Thought Art so....................... in what kind of social situations do you experience the most social anxiety? 

I think the point was, that when I want someone to buy my product, or service I am falling into a neediness because I want something from them. I will journal and unpack this deeper. As I go about developing this new phase of my life I will come uncover these behaviours through direct experience and transcend and integrate new behaviours consciously. 

I notice old patterns, the same patterns that held me back in the past in the last chapter. But, I have a new toolbox now.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Thought Art

[hamedsf]

remember being people pleasing type of personality is so comfortable like everyone is on your side and everyone is complementing you but at the same time they know deep down you don't know your value and they can step over you whenever they want.

if you develop that thick skin, you will find out yourself in a situation that some people are complaining about you, some people are against you and so on so forth.

 think about it for a sec... what would you lose in the process of that personality transformation? friends, job or some favors or external experiences? 

if you make yourself okay with that. you're taking the very first step!

[Waken]

In situations where insecurity or such comes up, I may think thoughts such as 'other peoples opinion doesn't really matter' (which I know is true and not make belief), or I wonder 'what would it be like to not care at all what anyone thinks?'

Edited August 16, 2021 by Waken

[Javfly33]

Forget spirituality, non duality ,etc. Treat other like its not another you But rather someone to exploit and manipulate the most you can for your selfish agenda.

Construct an story In how they are bad so you can further be mean and manipulative to them withouth no remorse for you. 

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by Javfly33

[Nahm]

5 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I am falling into a neediness because I want something from them

Maybe, but you are thinking about a yourself too, and there is no more a you which is thinking and a yourself which is thought about, than there is a secondary source of feeling, such that the good feeling (which is really what’s sought) is coming from interactions with people. 

Flip the script from how do I interact with people such that I feel good, to how do I interact with people such that they feel good… and now you are drawing upon that well, the source that you are. Pure selfless, non-self-referential-goodness. This is your place to pour yourself into. 

[lmfao]

@Thought Art Perish the sacrament, and chop off God's head. That is, if you have any value which can withstand the confused waters around you. 

Yes, I'm not sure if there's anything more to it besides practice 

Edited August 17, 2021 by lmfao

[KennedyCarter]

For me I just remember that this is a dream and the people I’m talking to are myself. Because they are. We are all one. I love yallll

[Rishi9]

My approach, and what has worked for me, with good results, is to say “yes” to everything. Accept that life is always “right”. Treat life as your guru. 

[Noahsteelers34]

Has anyone here watched the fearless man on youtube. His content has helped me alot. Check him out if you haven't!