Feeling Superior/inferior In Coversations

[OhHiMark]

On my journey to looking inside myself a lot more I've found something quite scary, conversations are like a test that you're thankful for getting through, instead of just being....a conversation.

Subconsciously, when I feel inferior to someone in front of me I overthink, get nervous, want to get through the other end and overthink what I said after we've finished.  "I should've said this, that, whatever"

On the flip-side, if I'm conversing with someone who I feel superior over (again, subconsciously I've picked up this bad habit) none of the above happens and conversation is natural, although I get the sense they may be intimidated (I'm a big guy).

So there we have it, two black and white conversation patterns and nothing in betweens, it's always one of the two.

How can I work on this? I guess I have a fear of rejection by people who I respect in some weird way. I've thought about it a lot and the people I feel 'superior' too is almost like I don't respect them, or judge them in a bad way. This is not an issue one they're my friend.

I'm hoping naturally on my journey I can solve this problem but a headstart wouldn't be bad.

Edited December 1, 2016 by OhHiMark

[Kserkkj]

@OhHiMark I have a similar issue actually. I used to and even now feel incompetent about my language and expression skills; I focus on words I don't know and whenever I encounter an unfamiliar word or one that I forgotten that I presume people my age would know of, it would arouse great feelings of inferiority. Thus, I became obsessed with words due to my language inferiority. Anyways, my tips for you would be -

• Beliefs, beliefs, beliefs, this is something that really needs to be stressed, and with enough conscious awareness you will discover this whole shebang is caused by your beliefs. 1. You assume people are better/worse and judge yourself and others accordingly which is a false assumption. 2. Beliefs filter your attention in a way where if you believe something to be true, it will become a natural tendency for your attention to notice evidence that justifies that belief, hence, filtering a huge chunk of information.  
• Next thing I would point out is, let bygones be bygones. Accept the past for whatever happens, forgive yourself and others and stop wishing for it to be different somehow.
• Lastly, the most general answer I could give you is to increase your awareness. Without awareness, it's like being on autopilot; you won't ever get outta the rut you're currently in without enough understanding which can only be realized through enough awareness. All it takes is to fully observe the processes of your mind that lead you to feel and behave a certain way to untangle it if it doesn't serve you.

Cheers.

Edited December 1, 2016 by Kserkkj

[OhHiMark]

30 minutes ago, Kserkkj said:

@OhHiMark I have a similar issue actually. I used to and even now feel incompetent about my language and expression skills; I focus on words I don't know and whenever I encounter an unfamiliar word or one that I forgotten that I presume people my age would know of, it would arouse great feelings of inferiority. Thus, I became obsessed with words due to my language inferiority. Anyways, my tips for you would be -

• Beliefs, beliefs, beliefs, this is something that really needs to be stressed, and with enough conscious awareness you will discover this whole shebang is caused by your beliefs. 1. You assume people are better/worse and judge yourself and others accordingly which is a false assumption. 2. Beliefs filter your attention in a way where if you believe something to be true, it will become a natural tendency for your attention to notice evidence that justifies that belief, hence, filtering a huge chunk of information.  
• Next thing I would point out is, let bygones be bygones. Accept the past for whatever happens, forgive yourself and others and stop wishing for it to be different somehow.
• Lastly, the most general answer I could give you is to increase your awareness. Without awareness, it's like being on autopilot; you won't ever get outta the rut you're currently in without enough understanding which can only be realized through enough awareness. All it takes is to fully observe the processes of your mind that lead you to feel and behave a certain way to untangle it if it doesn't serve you.

Cheers.

I can relate to that exactly, sometimes I even question if I'm using a word correctly which then if I'm unsure I'll change it for something else and thus my attention is now elsewhere lol.

Cheers for the tips man, I'm on my journey and everything you mentioned falls into what I'm trying to do.

[YaNanNallari]

Understanding how and why people are valued is obviously great. This will set a base that will help with this problem. Personally I noticed the same issue and made a quick fix by reducing or increasing my level  of arrogance. What I'm trying to get towards now is seeing myself in a way in which I don't necessarily have to be anything. I don't have to be smart, good looking, funny etc. This allows me to just work with what I have instead of being anxious over it. Also watch Leo's video on comparing yourself to others. That will probably help.

[philosogi]

@OhHiMark I have a similar issue. I think it comes from a need for validation, either positive or negative. I think this is because somewhere along the way in life (probably early childhood), I "learned" that my self-worth is tied to my accomplishments. I think a more empowered way of looking at self-worth is that it is independent from external validation, either by accomplishments, praise, failure, etc... So I've been trying not to show off (even subtly), and I've been trying not to play the victim, either, to try to switch external validation to internal validation. 

[OhHiMark]

4 hours ago, philosogi said:

@OhHiMark I have a similar issue. I think it comes from a need for validation, either positive or negative. I think this is because somewhere along the way in life (probably early childhood), I "learned" that my self-worth is tied to my accomplishments. I think a more empowered way of looking at self-worth is that it is independent from external validation, either by accomplishments, praise, failure, etc... So I've been trying not to show off (even subtly), and I've been trying not to play the victim, either, to try to switch external validation to internal validation. 

You're exactly right. I find it fascinating that you are now trying to be 'humble' as I'm currently doing the same thing, it's like all the paths we take eventually lead us down the same road.

It's empowering but incredibly hard. Not 'showing off' is like trying to hold in a sneeze but as you say, down playing yourself feels incredibly powerful and rewarding, showing off feels like you've used all your energy and you've sold your soul. 

It's another cop-out to make me feel like I'm fitting in, but I'm glad you posted. The less we talk about ourself the more we accept ourselves I guess. 

There's a great part in 42 Laws Of Power (not sure I'd recommend) where they say that mans worst enemy is his tongue. 

 

 

[philosogi]

@OhHiMark Yes there's fake humbleness, AKA the "humble brag." Gotta make sure not to put the cart before the horse.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@OhHiMark I love this....I think this is every un-enlightened human (me too), "Welcome to EGO-land"...lol..(picture a nightmare-ish Disney-style- land of roller-coasters glorifying self-absorption.)...lol...  BUT ***You noticed it!!! That means you are becoming the watcher....and are on a path to personal evolution for sure!

[OhHiMark]

On 16/12/2016 at 7:30 PM, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@OhHiMark I love this....I think this is every un-enlightened human (me too), "Welcome to EGO-land"...lol..(picture a nightmare-ish Disney-style- land of roller-coasters glorifying self-absorption.)...lol...  BUT ***You noticed it!!! That means you are becoming the watcher....and are on a path to personal evolution for sure!

Hey,

You're right. I was speaking to someone the other day and probably mentioned several times I had to go, body was pointed away from them and clearly I was in a rush but they didn't notice it.

I think this is where a lot of confidence comes from, it's not even confidence, it's ignorance. *Maybe people who are more observant have less confidence statistically  because they're more aware. Whereas the person above clearly misses a lot of stuff when interacting with people, like my need to leave.

*Less confident in the beginning anyway.

 

Edited December 29, 2016 by OhHiMark

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@OhHiMark So true..." ignorance is bliss"  ......or is it?....