It was a bold night. There is no single doubt. So there was this girl that had a party like a month ago, and there I saw this one girl (I'll call her N, as she will appear many times here) that was with me in elementary and we haven't talked in like more than a decade. It was very short but we seemed to vibe well. So yesterday night N had a birthday party. I was quite nervous. And, as my usual way of dealing with this I do some meditation before I leave - this didn't happen. And also, it's a bit neurotic.
Also, usually I go with a friend to such things, but I haven't talked to this friend of mine for quite some time. I felt my dependence on him. I walked alone. with my own fear. Head up, chest and stomach relaxed, feeling into the fear and feeling my body walking. I felt independent. I called N to come out of the house because I couldn't find the place, and when she came I said hello and then I was like "wait, hold on" and gave her a hug. Quite embarrassing. When I got there I saw some classmate of mine that I really didn't expect to see, he wasn't even invited. But I then understood he was just the bf of some girl here. Me and this classmate were talking a lot at the party, we became closer than ever, like wtf. We hardly ever spoke and now we were talking real man to man talks. He was telling me that N might be into me. I wasn't that shocked. It wasn't the first time I heard it. So as we were continuing are conversations and the party and all that, it seemed she was very happy to talk to me and all that. She also showed me a tattoo she had just above her booty. I decided to do a move and go talk to her a bit. It was quite a long conversation and very interesting. In this conversation I tried to use some elements I learned, some of them from the book The Way Of The Superior Man: I was mentioning that I feel music is a calling for me, and that in any case I'm really trying to find my purpose. I was saying things like I like anime and I learned a bit Japanese and Russian back then (tolled her things that are quite embarrassing, shameful for me, in a way like I don't give a fuck what people think). I didn't give in (agree) to her ideas, but didn't oppose aggressively. Just gave her my thoughts from my truest knowledge. I also wanted to help clean a bit the floor and she was like "no no don't clean, it's ok, I'll do it tomorrow already". It was quite dirty and I felt we need to help a bit. So eventually I cleaned the carpet a bit even though she tolled me it's ok. It felt right. In our long conversation I made sure to make eye contact, and even sometimes to look at her as if I'm gonna kill her (you know what I mean). I expressed myself and the conversation was quite flowing. After almost everyone left, my classmate and his gf were lying on the couch, everybody was pretty much chilling, and eventually we decided to take a walk - me, N, another girl and the friend I mentioned at the start. I was leading the direction based on the beauty of the path. When we stopped somewhere, my friend and this other girl decided to take a nap, and I was quietly joking to N and tolled her "alright, once they fall asleep - we're escaping" lol. This is were things get really intense. When we came back we decided to sleep at her house. I was sitting beside N, who was already kind of asleep. Those 2 fucking annoying couple were telling me to put a hand over her. It was a bit pressurizing. I was feeling super uncomfortable. I wasn't able. Eventually I just laid my arm around her. They were chuckling. I was already dead inside. The guy tolled me to put my fucking hand on her. I took a deep dive and eventually put a hand on her. Oh my gosh, extremely uncomfortable. We stayed like that for a while.. until she decided to roll a bit and make herself comfortable and laid her head... On my dick. It was getting hard. At that point I was "fuck it, she needs to understand this is how dicks work". I made my hand more comfortable on her. So I am sitting on the couch, legs on an exercise ball, her head pushing a bit over my dick, and my knees and ankles are hurting. It's been like that the whole night. I couldn't sleep. She was changing her positions every then and now, and I as well started hugging her more, even stroking her a bit. She did the same. The whole night was like that. Now I was really really convinced she was into me. At some moments in the sleep I felt like I'm crumbling, the 'me' is crumbling. Oh hell nah. I ain't having this spiritual ego stuff right in the middle now, please, later. It was a bit scary. I for a second didn't feel myself. I didn't even know I existed. Forgot about myself for a moment. And yet I remember it the sight of seeing her. But now the question was - How the fuck do we wake up from this situation without it being embarrassing? And I, like the analyzer I tend to be, was looking all over for solutions. Tried signaling with my hand to people that were awake that I want to leave. EVENTUALLY some girl got it, tolled it to the best friend of N (who is my classmate's gf). She woke N up, took her to her bed, and I was acting asleep because I didn't want to deal with the embarrassment. Me and the classmate were left here. It's escape mission. I had to leave, and the man walked me a bit out. We were talking about this a lot. My bones are broken from this position. But at least now I know for sure that I can ask her out and I can be more relaxed about it, since it will be odd if she rejects. This has to be one of my boldest nights ever, and I'm so happy I faced those fears. This is a whole new world I'm getting into.
Basically this whole birthday party was done earlier than her original birthdate because she is leaving on the 15.8 to her camp (I'm leaving to mine on the 26.8), and so she wanted an earlier goodbye. Shit. This is tomorrow. When will I have time to date her?? Today is the last day. I feel like I shouldn't miss on this opportunity. But I don't know what to do. I don't feel like a long term relationship, but I'd surely like to experience sex, and she could potentially be that first one. Bro... Like I'm so new into this shit. I've never been on a date, and I have no idea about the stages I need to go through for getting sex. Don't understand this role-playing and all that. I feel like I must have sex, but shit I don't know those tricks. Sensei, I'm just starting the journey ? @ivankiss But for real, this is kind of annoying. Is the universe doing this on purpose? Why is she leaving right afterwards. I mean, even though I do want to have sex with her and all that... I still have my fears - I want to make sure I won't be stuck in a long term relationship and will be very emotionally difficult to get out, I want it short term thing, maybe sex and a bit of talking. Also, the way things ended last time makes it very awkward to meet again. We were just hugging in our "sleep" (I know we pretended) and then she was taken to her bed without further more contact. How the fuck am I supposed to start approaching her after this embarrassing night. Fuck me..