Sexual harassment

[Preety_India]

I felt like I should open up about an incident that still haunts me. I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion or if it's something that I should really contemplate on. 

So this was a year ago and I was working for a temp job. I was working as an accountant for a short period of time, probably 2 months. I quit the job eventually but not for sexual harassment. I quit it because it wasn't paying me enough. 

I was working(it was a 9 to 5)under this guy, who was quite hard working and smart at his work. He would casually flirt with me often and I wouldn't take it too seriously. I was quite dismissive of his gestures. Simply looking away or not saying much as a reply.. 

One day he called me to his cabin in order to give me some instructions on what I needed to do next on the team project. When I sat down, we had a discussion after which he kept staring at me. I simply looked down and didn't look him in the eye. And he said, "you really don't know how to dress. I will take you to a room, undress you and then teach you how to dress." I felt quite humiliated as though he was insulting me with his eyes and gestures. 

I felt too awkward and left his cabin and got back to my work. He was the only boss there and there was no one really to complain to, it was a small company that he owned. Like a small business. 

He kept passing flirty remarks/comments whenever he would pass by and wait for my reaction. He would look at my face to read my expression. I would simply ignore. 

A month later I decided to quit that job. 

But even after I left, this incident haunted me and made  me feel powerless and helpless. I felt like anyone could say anything sexual to me and I won't be able to do anything about it. 

Also in my place, there are no rigid rules for sexual harassment. If there is no evidence, you can't really do much. Even if you have evidence, the perpetrator is let go with only a slap on the wrist. Probably a small fine. 

This incident often comes up in my mind and leaves me feeling a bit down. 

My question is - in what ways can I handle and cope with such incidents now and in the future, if there's no legal course of action to be taken (or if such legal action is useless). 

 

 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Roy]

30 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

"you really don't know how to dress. I will take you to a room, undress you and then teach you how to dress."

That kind of suggestion is unquestionably sexual harassment and not acceptable. You are right to feel disturbed.

Leaving was the right choice. Maybe you can't get at him legally, but he was short an employee because of his own unprofessionalism and selfish stupidity. Fuck him, hope he has fun running his business shorthanded!

I wouldn't stir on it too much, as in blaming yourself at all. Sometimes there are just people out in the world that do such things, and you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. You are a victim, with no fault.

As in how to handle it? Well the first thing (which is easier said than done) is try to get in positions where certain people might have so much power over you. Where you're more independent and autonomous during the day. Look for larger workplaces with more employees so there is less opportunity for intimate approaches like this, and it is less likely for people to try stuff like that because words spread quickly.

It's nearly impossible to comprehend that kind of thing as a man - the shit women have to go through on a daily basis in the workplace and out in the world in general. It's awful. Maybe take up a self-defense course or carry some pepper spray in your handbag.

[Loba]

If you were still working there I would say tongue and cheek, dress the opposite of how he requests, and then if he asks, say you wanted to attract completely the opposite type of person.  That sucks, and what he did was wrong.

[Byun Sean]

Learn to return harassing, invasive, or threatening attitudes with your own assertive attitude back and carry pepper spray with you and 

don't be afraid to use it if he gets too close. 

 

Threaten to call the police if he oversteps his boundaries as well.

I would research the legal specifics of how you can press charges if someone does overstep certain boundaries.

In these situations you are the only one who can save you. You have to awaken the fiery spirit within you and stick up for yourself. These situations are

not times to be all loving and compassionate. Imagine you saw this

same incident happening to your daughter 15 feet away and the guy 

was getting inappropriate fast. How would you react then? Step up for yourself in the same way you would your own daughter.

You are not being mean. You are setting a boundary and returning the energy he is putting out so he knows his place.

Its ok to return an asshole kind of energy back at someone if they overstep or threaten a boundary if they know their place.

 

 

You may also consider asking other wise women in your life how they would handle the situation. My 

advice may not be the best advice. I'm honestly just theorizing what I would do if I were in that situation as a woman.

 

So you can definitely contemplate or use my idea.

 

Guys here on the forum can give some 

potentially good insight and solutions, but they (myself included) can also be really out of touch 

with how difficult and unsafe it can feel to be a woman in this world facing these kinds of situations. 

I can't even imagine how much women have to worry about this crap just simply going out in public alone and then living 

in that lingering fear all the time.

So thus, If I were you I would also find women who you feel you can trust and have good integrity and are wise for their

input in these situations as well.

 

Also if there are any women on the forum you can ask that could be helpful as well.

 

Spend time contemplating strategies and gather multiple perspectives. Devise together a precise strategy on how you 

will go about reacting to these situations and then commit to the course of action when needed.

 

 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Byun Sean

[Javfly33]

Wtf, no your not blowing out of proportion, this is because you live in a third world country, if that happens to you in Europe that Guy goes probably to jail Lol

[diamondpenguin]

@Preety_India move to the USA. We have plenty of those laws to help you. 

[Hulia]

@Preety_India But Preety, why did you give him the power, which he didn´t have in the given situation? He wanted something from you and not vice versa. That´s why you felt humiliated, because you imagined he had power over you but he didn´t, you just imagined it.

I was in similiar situations. My boss like: Let´s have a drive for an hour and have fun. And me so: Nice. But thank you, no. I was rather concerned no to let him feel too humiliated. 

Mabe you should stop to take people too seriously? Try to see people around you, how insecure and funny they are. That boss for example. He was small, but had always such an important appearance and it looked really funny. Sometimes I did him some compliments, like he is the best enterpreneur and the smartest businessman, and you could leterally see, how he blew up like a balloon. I just couldn´t take him seriously. 

[Preety_India]

@Hulia he didn't say it in a romantic way, more in a threatening way. And in a dirty way. 

And I'm generally too shy especially around men. I don't look at them in the eye. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Knowledge Hoarder I was scared of losing the job. There was pressure. I had just joined, it had barely been a month working there. I was trying to adjust to that place because it was new. 

The fear of losing the job was real. So I didn't want to get too confrontational with him. 

And my nature is that I'm shy around strangers. I felt very scared and threatened around him. 

He was very dominating.. 

 

[Preety_India]

@sda India. 

He was an Indian guy running a scam company. 

I realized one day it was all a scam and that day I quit the job

He scammed me of $1000.

 

 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Hulia]

@Preety_India I see. I know this type of guys, behaving like assholes to make everyone insecure and dominate. Beleive me, there are enough of them also among german bosses. No direct sexual harassment in Germany but still these guys "fuck" everyone - females and males. 

I still beleive that they have as much power as people give to them. You gave to him the power, so that he felt confirmed in his shitty behavour and will use it again and again.

These guys cannot fire everyone, somebody has to do the work, and even if, look, you have survived. 

[Hulia]

@Preety_India Maybe you´ve stuck in a pattern? Abuse has been a form of interaction with the most closest, dearest and loved person from your early years - your mother. Maybe you are even subconsciuosly looking for abusers and attract them? Plus cultural frame of your country, where the abusive behavour towards women is more or less normal. 

I don´t know what to recommend. It´s difficult to break the pattern. Please don´t let anybody to behave towards you in this manner. It´s not normal, it´s not right. If we don´t resist, how shold they ever know, that it´s not acceptible? The change of cultural frame and leaving your mother woulf help, I think, to chage this pattern in your head, what is normal and what is not. 

We all have our patterns. My pattern is that I should be someone else to deserve love. Not that my mother didn´t love me. She did. But always in spite of. Good mother - bad daughter, never capable to become one of that sweet, jolly, talented princesses. 

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Hulia said:

@Preety_India Maybe you´ve stuck in a pattern? Abuse has been a form of interaction with the most closest, dearest and loved person from your early years - your mother. Maybe you are even subconsciuosly looking for abusers and attract them? Plus cultural frame of your country, where the abusive behavour towards women is more or less normal. 

I don´t know what to recommend. It´s difficult to break the pattern. Please don´t let anybody to behave towards you in this manner. It´s not normal, it´s not right. If we don´t resist, how shold they ever know, that it´s not acceptible? The change of cultural frame and leaving your mother woulf help, I think, to chage this pattern in your head, what is normal and what is not. 

We all have our patterns. My pattern is that I should be someone else to deserve love. Not that my mother didn´t love me. She did. But always in spite of. Good mother - bad daughter, never capable to become one of that sweet, jolly, talented princesses. 

Those are some points to consider. 

 

[Preety_India]

On 14/08/2021 at 9:15 AM, Loba said:

If you were still working there I would say tongue and cheek, dress the opposite of how he requests, and then if he asks, say you wanted to attract completely the opposite type of person.  That sucks, and what he did was wrong.

Well he told me that my job was to sit pretty on another occasion. 

I decided to quit pretty. 

 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

My gosh this must have been awkward, what on earth was this guy thinking.

My first instinct was to say, "let it go" but i am aware that it is not that easy, although it may be an option.

I think you need to replace the memory you have. Instead of him behaving in this insulting and humiliating manner, try to imagine that he complemented you on your personal choice of clothes and that he finds them beautiful. 

I know this may sound absolutely ridiculous, but i think it could help. But you need to authentically let yourself fell the shame you may have felt in the situation, accept it, let it go and forgive him. Because I cannot imagine that he is living a fulfilled live while treating someone like you so badly. Pity him for being an inconsiderate fool, instead of letting him gain power on you, even months after the incident happened, easier said then done, i am aware of that.

Now when it comes to future incidents ( I just hope for you that nothing will ever happen again ) I would love to give you some good advice, but i really don´t know. Maybe you could call someone out on their bullshit once they try to pull a stunt like you have described here. People don´t do that for no reason. Again, depending on who is involved this might be difficult, but definitely stand your ground and show them in their place. Call them out on the fact that they are disrespecting you, if that is a case. Maybe some of them literally are not aware or don´t even know what the hell they are doing and how their actions and choice of words may affect your well being or even hurt you emotionally. Don´t let anyone drag you down, you are beautiful and confident, always remember that and don´t let anyone tell you different.

Thank you for your support.