How to overcome the fear of ending up alone in life

[Magellan]

Hello people this question I posted not sure if anybody has felt the same but I keep getting a relapse of fearing loneliness and mostly the fear of my mother passing away one day. It sounds strange I know, and as far as I know death is part of life and we have no control over it but I just can't deal with that. Let me explain a bit about my background to picture you my situation. I'm a 37 male, living by myself in my small apartment and never had a relationship with a woman. I had my last buddy back few years after starting College back in 2002, meaning it lasted until 2007-2008. In elementary and high school things were not as colorful for me compared to other kids of my age. I started school in kinder garden like everybody else, was shy, didn't know a thing about socialising and having common interests with other was inexistant. I couldnt find my bearings during school breaks and board game periods. I was always the target of criticism, bullying and thus my repertory of bad school memories outweight the good memories. I mostly lived in my head and today still trying to shut that little voice speaking inside of me. Then I took a path of solitude and pretty much accepted my situation without confronting it. There were times I met people and hang out with them but I realized they were just temporary buds, I never felt any connexion whatsoever but having met them during my employment at a small convenient store they were cool for the time it lasted. Unfortunaltely as you know most of acquaintances come and go. Came a period I was afraid of admitting I had no freinds. My social skills were close to below average when it was about socially interacting with strangers or talking to a girl. Even my young nephews had better understanding of the social concept than me-just picture it. Now I'm looking to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence by meeting people and find a relationship. I've been through depression since February 2021 bks I assume those long years without maintenance came back and hit me hard on the head to tell me "WAKE UP B4 ITS TOO LATE". I ended up with fear of ageing lonely with no one by my side. It just gives me the creep every morning and I want to get rid of that loneliness feeling. Have anybody experienced the same thing as I did in their pre-adult years?

Now when I feel low mood and anxious my reptilian brain doesn't stop giving me this uncomfortable sensation of one day having to accept my mother's death and ending up alone with no one to support me when I need it. My mother is very close to me as I have nobody else with strong bonds, no meaningful relations so far whatsoever. I've used Meetup for a couple of month but so far the results are not there. I read some youtube videos and meditate every morning but the fear of loosing a parent when you're presently all by yourself and not being able to find those friendships at 37, it's terrible. People in their 30s have their life, are busy with work, are married, what am I supposed to do?

Can some people relate to my story and help me? Thank you for reading me. 

Danny

Edited August 12, 2021 by Magellan

[Terell Kirby]

Thanks for sharing.

Sometimes the truth hurts, and in this case..the truth is everyone you know, including yourself, will die one day. We cannot change this.

I advise starting a gratitude journal. 30-60 days where you wake up and list 1-5 things you are grateful for, even if it’s just life itself. You are dealing with an attachment issue, this exercise will help you detach a bit, and enjoy life as it is.

Best of luck 

[fopylo]

Hey Danny thanks for sharing.

Even though I'm not 37, I've also faced most of my life the issue of always being behind everyone. behind puberty growth, behind socially, behind with success (the last 2 are huge for me since they kept following me even when I felt like I'm finally managing to "ride" my life again that it pulled me back down).

Counterintuitively, what helped me was practicing loving being where I am right now. Easier said than done and very vague, I know. For that, I'd suggest the Do-Nothing meditation as it helps to accept whatever is the case. Not to force yourself to accept because it is an annoying situation, but rather because it is really ok as it is. Sit with this feeling of your situation. Bask in it. From this point you might want to make some decisions for your life - not because of complaining about how life sucks, but from a place of feeling so damn good to be by yourself with yourself that you're like "damn, life is so good, what can I pursue?" All of those pursuits of things is a fucking game, a very fun and exciting game. And at the end of the game (or after you decide to take a break) you come back to yourself - The ever place of feeling good. You just need to slowly realize you are this existence in order to play the game. The Do Nothing meditation is what is personally helping me the best.

Also, even after all of that. Find the uniqueness in all of that. Like, dude, you are the only person in the world that shares your story and all your life events until now. Despite your fantasies of how you wanted things to be, you are still experiencing a unique life, like literally. But the more you are stuck in those exact fantasies, the less you'll see that.

Basically everything is really working in your favor by default, perfectly. All that is required from you is to see it more and more. It is a process. I'm also working on this process since I also deal with this.

Good luck man

[KennedyCarter]

Aww this really hit home with me. My greatest fear used to be my mother dying too. Remember we are infinite souls and everyone already loves you. Because all there is is infinite love. When going about dating act as if the woman is already madly in love with you. Fear creates trying to possess people, leads to them running away. If you act as if everyone and the universe loves you (which it does, because we are all one and all came from love) then you will be able to relax and be confident. 

Yes what I said is true all women already love you.
 

[Brandon Nankivell]

Keep doing the spiritual work. You can try things like imagining a scenario where you were alone forever, and imagine accepting all the discomfort.

[Shawn Philips]

It seems your mum has had the role of mum, best friend and wife. The day you lose her you'll lose 3 persons in 1, all your world will be destroyed. Now do the work and make new friends, find a girlfriend, dont put all your eggs in one basket!

Even if you end up alone you always can make voluntary to help old people feel less alone.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Shawn Philips

[Magellan]

@Fearey If it's unpleasant to read through "walls of texts" then be my guest and find an experience more appealing to you rather than being disrespectful. This is a forum where people can share freely their perspectives and problems. If it's too hard on you then mind your own business or go play video games.

Edited August 17, 2021 by Magellan

[Rishi9]

You will end up alone. Always. There is no contentment in worldly existence, you must start realising, that you are one with everything. There is no separation from you or anyone. As long as there is ignorence, there is fear and anxiety, greed etc. when you awaken, you can be alone, but never lonely. 

 

 

[Magellan]

On 8/12/2021 at 3:01 PM, Terell Kirby said:

Thanks for sharing.

Sometimes the truth hurts, and in this case..the truth is everyone you know, including yourself, will die one day. We cannot change this.

I advise starting a gratitude journal. 30-60 days where you wake up and list 1-5 things you are grateful for, even if it’s just life itself. You are dealing with an attachment issue, this exercise will help you detach a bit, and enjoy life as it is.

Best of luck 

Thanx a lot for your advice, I started in August 14th and so far I listed 3 things I'm grateful every day.

[Magellan]

On 8/12/2021 at 6:23 PM, fopylo said:

Hey Danny thanks for sharing.

Even though I'm not 37, I've also faced most of my life the issue of always being behind everyone. behind puberty growth, behind socially, behind with success (the last 2 are huge for me since they kept following me even when I felt like I'm finally managing to "ride" my life again that it pulled me back down).

Counterintuitively, what helped me was practicing loving being where I am right now. Easier said than done and very vague, I know. For that, I'd suggest the Do-Nothing meditation as it helps to accept whatever is the case. Not to force yourself to accept because it is an annoying situation, but rather because it is really ok as it is. Sit with this feeling of your situation. Bask in it. From this point you might want to make some decisions for your life - not because of complaining about how life sucks, but from a place of feeling so damn good to be by yourself with yourself that you're like "damn, life is so good, what can I pursue?" All of those pursuits of things is a fucking game, a very fun and exciting game. And at the end of the game (or after you decide to take a break) you come back to yourself - The ever place of feeling good. You just need to slowly realize you are this existence in order to play the game. The Do Nothing meditation is what is personally helping me the best.

Also, even after all of that. Find the uniqueness in all of that. Like, dude, you are the only person in the world that shares your story and all your life events until now. Despite your fantasies of how you wanted things to be, you are still experiencing a unique life, like literally. But the more you are stuck in those exact fantasies, the less you'll see that.

Basically everything is really working in your favor by default, perfectly. All that is required from you is to see it more and more. It is a process. I'm also working on this process since I also deal with this.

Good luck man

You're absolutely right when you said that everything is working fine by default. It's funny bks this is what I read in a ''how to beat anxiety'' book. Somewhere in a chapter the author gave the mentioned that although self-doubt and fear of the future are common symptoms people fear, he claimed the affirmation that you are where you're supposed to be and everything is going as planned in your life. Thanx for reminding me, anxiety tricks you into believing the worst and we often self-doubt our capacity to deal with it.

[Magellan]

@Terell Kirby Hello could you please refer me links related with the subject of attachment? I'm trying to understand how to get rid of the crying and fear related to a loved one. My mother is not dead and I know my anxiety is over stimulating my thoughts but it absorbs lots of energy from me just by thinking about that. While typing I'm having couple of tears. I googled attachment issue with a sibling but I couldn't find a good ressource. Thanx for guiding me.

[Stovo]

I've personally always been pretty introverted and comfortable being alone, but humans are still social creatures. 

I recommend finding some interests and seeing if there are any events or groups you can join with those interests.