How late is late? Old guy trying to find a new path

[Late Boomer]

My user name says it all. I was born in '65, the last year for Baby Boomers. And I'm late to the party as usual. 

I've heard Leo say understanding a lot of these concepts could take years or decades, but I don't think I have decades. I’m 56 with health problems. I have changed a lot over the years, so maybe it counts.

Had a major life change (quit a good state job due to fallout from Jan. 6. Escaped with conscience intact, but now what? Still unemployed in a pandemic and recession. Luckily my wife is holding us down, but I need a purpose or at least a job. 

Took mushrooms to help with depression. They helped and even spurred a lot of creativity. I was starting a blog and a YouTube channel. But I was on the wrong track with both. The last trip blew me out of the water. It was stronger than the others and really beautiful. But now I'm kind of adrift. It actually left me LESS motivated than the previous ones. I thought, I really don't know anything after all, do I? 

I have to take some things seriously that I used to scoff at. I was an atheist who used to be a Baptist. I thought I had that one nailed down, but now I'm not sure. Maybe it was all in my head, but I could swear I communicated with something that loved me. If it was God it wasn’t Yahweh, but it didn’t feel like I was talking to myself. I interpreted it as the earth. But I'm not sure. 

One thing I am sure of now is that the ego is not me. I was able to let it sleep and give in and it was a blessing. I had a lot of insights. A lot of it was about processing grief. For myself -- not afraid of death now -- for mankind and for nature.

I decided I need to know more about what is true. I figured a path would turn up, but so far it hasn't. I've talked to some psychonauts and new agers. Not sure how much to accept. Some of their claims are hard to swallow. I'm willing to entertain a lot of new ideas, but I have to keep some skepticism. I don't trust people that easily any more - least of all me. 

Discovered Leo's videos at just the right moment. The one about how reality is a mass hallucination hooked me. I'm also fascinated by spiral dynamics. I've watched quite a bit of his content and a lot of it has been eye opening. There was a time when I would have dismissed it out of hand. There are some concepts, like absolute truth, being God, nonduality, etc., that I don't know if I can buy, but maybe I just don't get it. Benefit of the doubt. 

I'm a creative person, but I never really found my niche - or rather I thought I did, but it's now all but extinct. I was a reporter and editor for small town newspapers for 20 years. I thought it was my purpose in life. I loved it until I didn't. I was lucky to escape without becoming homeless. 

Did I waste my life or is there something I’m still supposed to do that only I can do? I want to move forward and find some kind of outlet, but I feel stuck. I was inspired after the big shroom trip. We were in that little window before Delta showed up. I did a few meetups, tried to make some friends, get a circle going, but it kind of fizzled and now here I am again, stuck inside and dealing with health issues. Sciatica and high blood pressure being the main ones. I'd love to trip again and see if I can get some guidance that way, but till I get the BP under control that's out. 

Not sure where I’m going with this, just figured this is a group of people I can talk to about things everyone else thinks are crazy. Maybe y'all can help me figure myself out. 

[Terell Kirby]

@Late Boomer never to late to chart a new path. I guess would focus on at one thing (at max two) in life that you would like to see actualized by the time your soul moves on. Younger folks can focus on many creative ventures, but the list gets smaller as you get older. Even still, we all have vision of what could be…even in later years.

[LastThursday]

@Late Boomer it's the journey not the destination. It seems like you are already on the path, even if you just stumbled onto it like most of us have. It doesn't matter if you're late to it or early to it, most of this stuff is not about the age of the body anyway, it's spirituality and actualisation after all.

It's not bad to introspect and see how things could have been different, it gives you perspective. But it's strikes me that to get your mojo back this sort of negative introspection will only sap that energy away. Health, depression, life circumstances, state of mind are all interlinked and feedback on each other - you are a unified being. Start researching deeply and improving on each of those areas where you can. Make that your purpose in the short term, so you have a strong base to actualise yourself.

[Snuitje]

31 minutes ago, Late Boomer said:

Did I waste my life or is there something I’m still supposed to do that only I can do? I want to move forward and find some kind of outlet, but I feel stuck.

You did not waste your life. Everything you did took you to this point. It's normal to be stuck and expect to be stuck for a little while so get used to the sucky feeling. It's okay. 

Depending on how long your wife wants to pay for the bills you can start studying SD if you desire, maybe just to expand your knowledge/perception of life. You can also start brainstorming for some job ideas. Write them all down on a piece of paper and take action on them.

34 minutes ago, Late Boomer said:

but I could swear I communicated with something that loved me. If it was God it wasn’t Yahweh, but it didn’t feel like I was talking to myself. I interpreted it as the earth. But I'm not sure.

Very cool. It is your own voice that speaks back, only you interpreted it from your ego perspective. But yeah it's you (earth, God, whatever you want to call it).

[Elisabeth]

@Late Boomer I've read an article recently (it wasn't English) which argued that it's natural to only turn to the ego-dissolving kind of spirituality in the second half of one's life. Being interested in it earlier usually comes with a price... so don't worry. You may be in the best spot in your entire life to do the work just now. 

[clararockmore]

From a neuroscience point of view, the reason why it's often more difficult for older people to learn new things is that the brain naturally becomes less "plastic" as we age. By the age of 25, a lot of very strong neural pathways (which are the architecture of habits and beliefs) have been forged, and it requires more effort each year to learn new things or change your life.

Psychedelics have been shown (so far as I've kept up with the literature) to utilize different pathways of connectivity in your brain. When you take them, parts of your brain that weren't communicating before are suddenly connected, and other parts take all sorts of different "scenic routes" to reach one another.

This can make you feel like a child again. Typically, your brain just decides not to worry about seeing things in new ways, because it's already figured out a way to see most things. But when you take psychedelics, it's common for you to find novelty in everyday things, and reevaluate parts of your life in huge ways.

This is a blessing. Many of your peers continue to stay stuck in their same paths--hell, many people younger than you have already committed themselves to being stuck to their paths. Although there are physical changes that take place in your brain and your body as you age, you're never too old to change your mind or your path.

You will figure it out with time. Good luck!

[Leo Gura]

56 is not that old. You can still build a great life if you're serious about it.

What else is there to do?

[aurum]

@Late Boomer

What is the alternative?

For me, once I understood that this is what I wanted my life to be about, just going back to simply meeting my survival needs seemed absurd.

I'm not saying every option in the world is still available to you at 56. It's not, and that's okay. You don't need or even want every option available.

There is never a time where you can't find something that is meaningful to YOU to do with your life. Following your highest excitement is available to you always.

It might not make you millions dollars, but this ain't the "make millions of dollars" forum.

The fact that you're feeling a bit confused and even lost can be a good sign. That's the first step to finding something new. We have to get lost first from whatever we were doing before.

[Purple Man]

There is a lot of media pressure to make youngsters think that life ends at 30/35, and then all you can do is tell old stories and stick to the path that was chosen in the 20´s. That´s far from the truth, as it is that brains become too hazy to learn. The only thing that prevents people in their 40/s, 50/s, 60's, to start again is that they complicated their lives to a point that there is no autonomy or energy anymore when they become middle-aged men/women (marriage, kids, different attachments, finantial ones usually)

 I am 46, and it was not only until 2019 that I started following what was always my dream. We all have talents. Mine is music composition, and as I wanted to make something fabulous or not  create a band at all, and never found the right commitment in the musicians I met at young age, I just let it go with infinite sadness. And one day, age 43, I decided that I would not be able to forgive myself if I did not at least record the tons of music I got in my head, so I learnt musical production, bought all that is necessary for (mainly) orchestral music, created my website, and there I go. I still am a partner in the old business, but I have that parallel life trying to get a place in what is my real aptitude. 

The same regarding body decay. Bullshit. The engine can be perfectly oiled and athletic, ready for life challenges as decades go by (provided your genetics are good), so it´s just a matter of wanting it. 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Purple Man

[Waken]

Alignment is the name of the game if you ask me. You don't want to follow a path, you want to sink back or realign with you. Because you are a unique energy frequency, anothers path is not keyed for you. If you just let go of trying to make things happen, trying to do what you think you should do, etc. and just start doing/choosing what feels best to you in every moment, you start aligning with what you are. 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Waken

[caspex]

Tbh here in India, in old times they suggested starting spiritual work after you are 50, so I wouldn't say you are too late to the party

[Late Boomer]

Thanks for all the nice comments. I would have responded quicker, but my blood pressure has been kicking my ass. Speaking of which, does anyone who has experience with psychedelics have issues with high blood pressure.

I've had it since I was in my 20s, but it's been managed. Since my last trip, I've had to change meds three times and gone to the ER twice. I really have to stay away from the hospital right now for obvious reasons. 

I read that mushrooms would give you a rise in blood pressure during a trip, but nothing about any long term change. My current theory is that it has to do with weed. I was smoking and eating edibles for 10 years. Started late in life (except for one bad experience with edibles in college). After decades of Just Say No, I fell in love with weed. I loved what it did for my imagination and it was a great marital aid. But I went way too hard with it during the quarantine and the stress associated with my job's descent into right wing madness.

After a few mushroom trips I found my appetite for it mostly went away. Now I don't like it any more. Two hits and my heart is racing, even high indica stuff. My latest blood pressure problem started after I took an edible a couple of weeks after the 3.5g trip. 

I've also noticed that thinking and writing seems to raise my blood pressure a lot. I wonder if the shrooms rewired my brain so that I can't handle weed and so that my thinking brain sets off my blood pressure too much. I love to write and read and think about interesting things, so this is a big problem for me right now. It's like a log jam. 

I have seen a lot of psychonaut types on reddit say they had panic attacks and bad trips trying to mix shrooms and weed so maybe I messed myself up? I think I can help myself a lot if I can get a regular meditation practice going (I've had a few good streaks but I keep falling off the wagon) and get some decent exercise, but both of those are where the sciatica comes in. Sitting for too long hurts and the sciatica is so bad I can't walk for long distances. I have a couple of doctor appointments next week to deal with BP and sciatica, so hopefully I can get some forward motion in my life.

[Late Boomer]

On 8/12/2021 at 10:28 AM, Terell Kirby said:

@Late Boomer never to late to chart a new path. I guess would focus on at one thing (at max two) in life that you would like to see actualized by the time your soul moves on. Younger folks can focus on many creative ventures, but the list gets smaller as you get older. Even still, we all have vision of what could be…even in later years.

Good advice. I've been interested in way too many things in life. Thought I was going to be a visual artist, realized I was mediocre then got an English degree, really into reading and music and culture (other people's), but I feel like it's time to quit consuming and _produce_ something. I think what I want to do most is write at least one very good book, getting it published optional. I just want to feel like I made art. I've had some life experiences that make good bar stories. I had an interesting life as a small town reporter and editor.

I also had some traumatic events, especially one in particular, that changed my life and possibly should be written about in some manner -- but those would be dangerous stories. My problem is fear. These are real stories about real people and I would be very easy to doxx. I'm old and really what is there to ruin at this point? But I can't afford a lawyer and I don't want to dredge up things up that could hurt other people. If I could figure out how to fictionalize them maybe... But the only writing I've done is journalism. That and writing on social media. 

Maybe start with a blog and go from there? I did start a blog and a YouTube channel. But the blog was apocalypse themed and I've decided that's the wrong tack. And the YouTube channel was from a me that isn't me anymore. I feel like if I could just find the right angle, I would be off and running.

[DIDego]

@Late Boomer Welcome 

Wayne Dyer perhaps someone you resonate with, a audiobook, found out there is a movie as well, that might be something easy digested to start with.

The Shift - Wayne Dyer - Positive Attitude (Movie)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfT8Ts6wPFs 

Wayne Dyer - Making the Shift by Dr Wayne W Dyer (Audiobook)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cwZR4XDmX4

 

[Snuitje]

16 hours ago, Late Boomer said:

I also had some traumatic events, especially one in particular, that changed my life and possibly should be written about in some manner -- but those would be dangerous stories. My problem is fear. These are real stories about real people and I would be very easy to doxx. I'm old and really what is there to ruin at this point? But I can't afford a lawyer and I don't want to dredge up things up that could hurt other people. If I could figure out how to fictionalize them maybe... But the only writing I've done is journalism. That and writing on social media.

You can still tell the story by changing names and locations. Just mention that you change names and location for safety. Undercover agents also do this and the story is not less believeable or interesting.

Edited August 14, 2021 by Snuitje

[Moksha]

If you were born in 1965, you're not "old". You don't even require for retirement, yet 

If you distill your 56 years into a single drop of wisdom, what would it be?

For me, it is the realization that the conditioned mind is the source of suffering, and the purpose of life is to let go of this suffering through realizing the Self within. Awakening sounds mysterious until it happens, and then you wonder how you ever could have forgotten such a Self-evident truth.

[Elisabeth]

On 13. 8. 2021 at 8:20 PM, Late Boomer said:

Thanks for all the nice comments. I would have responded quicker, but my blood pressure has been kicking my ass. Speaking of which, does anyone who has experience with psychedelics have issues with high blood pressure.

I've had it since I was in my 20s, but it's been managed. Since my last trip, I've had to change meds three times and gone to the ER twice. I really have to stay away from the hospital right now for obvious reasons. 

I read that mushrooms would give you a rise in blood pressure during a trip, but nothing about any long term change. My current theory is that it has to do with weed. I was smoking and eating edibles for 10 years. Started late in life (except for one bad experience with edibles in college). After decades of Just Say No, I fell in love with weed. I loved what it did for my imagination and it was a great marital aid. But I went way too hard with it during the quarantine and the stress associated with my job's descent into right wing madness.

After a few mushroom trips I found my appetite for it mostly went away. Now I don't like it any more. Two hits and my heart is racing, even high indica stuff. My latest blood pressure problem started after I took an edible a couple of weeks after the 3.5g trip. 

I've also noticed that thinking and writing seems to raise my blood pressure a lot. I wonder if the shrooms rewired my brain so that I can't handle weed and so that my thinking brain sets off my blood pressure too much. I love to write and read and think about interesting things, so this is a big problem for me right now. It's like a log jam. 

I have seen a lot of psychonaut types on reddit say they had panic attacks and bad trips trying to mix shrooms and weed so maybe I messed myself up? I think I can help myself a lot if I can get a regular meditation practice going (I've had a few good streaks but I keep falling off the wagon) and get some decent exercise, but both of those are where the sciatica comes in. Sitting for too long hurts and the sciatica is so bad I can't walk for long distances. I have a couple of doctor appointments next week to deal with BP and sciatica, so hopefully I can get some forward motion in my life.

Sorry about your bloodpressure trouble.

Obviously, consider all medical treatment offered.

Also, psychedelics make you more emotionally sensitive, and bring up unconscious stuff. So I wonder.   Could it be an emotion that is accessed more easily after your last trip and makes your heart agitated?