Fear of committing suicide

[Atb210201]

I committed suicide before and I know I'm past that shit now but there is a deep fear in me that I'm capable of doing it again despite the fact that I know I wouldn't do that and I don't have any reason to do that but I'm afraid specially when I take psychedelics that if I get stuck in negative thought patterns I would kill myself it's a twisted shit and I haven't discovered how to deal with it yet I know it's stupid intellectually because I don't wanna do that but then again I'm afraid of doing it I would appreciate other perspectives on this situation

[Guillem12]

same thoughts happen to me thats ehy i stopped taking psychedelics. even when i smoke weed sometimes i get huge anxiety and im afraid i have a psychotic episode and i hurt myself. necer got to that point but just couple days ago i was very close to a panic attack with my body shaking like i was freezing because of the anxiety. i recomend you dont do psychedelics if you have similar feelings from now and then even when you are not drugged. if you do always have a tripsitter and tripkiller

[NoSelfSelf]

Yeah probably good idea to not take substances before you get more centered mind...

[Cathal]

Hey my first real suicide attempt was actually doing shrooms I had before a few times but it wasn't all the way like shrooms. I sat in a puddle of blood in utter bliss knowing it's all over truly and I had latched onto thoughts of my mother and me when I was a child.

I really learned my lesson when I got up and realized I wasn't going to die, I just sat still for a long time. I calmed down and contemplated what the actual fuuuck happened. 

Basically man it's like understanding you can choose to surrender or to resist, that's all it is. I know it's sooo simple to say this but it's really just having the awareness that with certain waves of feeling (although in the present moment of being in that state it can feel unbearable) it's actually mostly the resistance causing your freakout because you're still clinging onto your model of reality. 

Just surrender yourself into whatever happens, make a vow. Practice laying down and meditate by surrendering to everything whatever it is you're feeling no matter how horrible, just sink into it. Like stick your face into it and be with it, you'll see you can become meditative like this and have a lot more confidence knowing you won't get caught up in the trip and make it hell for yourself. 

But I must say I have built a lot of confidence by the traditional stuff rather than the insanely high states of consciousness psychedelics can put you in, I have spent a looooooot of time reading watching and thinking, practicing the more traditional stuff from buddhism, yogic practices etc and the ratio of traditional layed out brick by brick stuff that's all out there right now to doing psychedelics imo should be like 10:1 

So I think if you're doing fuck all inbetween your trips to resolve stuff you will constantly be in that terror of not trusting yourself to let go fully.

[Atb210201]

@Guillem12 Yeah I'm the same when I smoke weed like when I started smoking weed it wasn't like this I was enjoying myself more but I got freaky from time to time but now I just can't smoke weed with my friends anymore I feel like everybody is against me and feel anxious to deal with people so now I prefer to smoke alone but in that situation of me smoking alone if it's too much it can also make me paranoid and put me in some shitty path of thoughts but I trust myself more to have control there and can calm myself

[Atb210201]

@NoSelfSelf But I felt more alive than ever just after that bad trip and it was amazing I surely would still do psychedelics but at lower doses cause it was just too much too handle

[Atb210201]

@catcat69123 this was last week with my 3 gr mushrooms trip first I went into the trip with the intention of letting go of any attachment I have to my personality and the self I created and it worked as soon as the mushrooms started to hit I was watching Leo's video on what is death and how immortality works then I stopped the video and told myself come on what are you doing close your eyes and just let yourself be and so I did that exactly and it actually worked I started becoming aware of god and I went so deep into it that in one moment I was aware of how I was moving my fingers and I was creating that then I became aware of everything being imaginary and the product of my own imagination and that was the exact time when I got scared I freaked out and came back to my body this awareness just freaked me out and I didn't want to accept it I don't know why but it scared me and then it became a bad trip and hell for me but it was all good until that moment so yeah I don't know what to make of that yet maybe I was scared of my reality being wiped out and dying in the process so that's why I started getting paranoid and thinking what if I kill myself