How hard is it to have someone in your life that you can lean on?

[Kay100]

I was listening to this podcast the other day, this group of guys having a discussion over the same type of issue they were having. And after everyone shared with the group their problems, one guy started talking about that he got to know another guy friend, who has been a great support for him. Whenever he wants to talk, that friend will always listen patiently, never judge, just listen and support. He said that’s the best therapy he has ever had.

 

But he was the only guy in the group that has a friend like that. Other guys shared things like their parents always tell them don’t show any vulnerable side or people won’t like you... that could be quite common I guess......

 

A lot of the times it seem to be harder on guys to have someone to talk to when feeling down, the ladies often have girlfriends to talk to about each other’s problems, but guys don’t usually do that. But obviously guys need that just the same as ladies.

 

but no matter the gender, what are the chances that you meet someone that is nice enough to always be patient, be nice, be supportive, and don’t have too much issues themselves (or else they would have to sort things out for themselves first)...

 

it seems like a lot of luck in play here. You can’t control what kind of people you get to meet in life, if lucky you meet someone like that. Most likely you will have a bunch of friends, but you don’t feel like you can really talk to them about your problems... or for more unlucky ones you don’t have much friend at all. Or for even more unfortunate people, they only have negative people in their life, like if they born with abusive or neglecting parents...

 

I feel like chances are rare for people to have the chance to meet someone that is so nice, gentle, loving, patient, just a perfect soul, like a saint (if there’s actually any in real life)... 

 

I wonder if most people also think it’s rare or I’m just one of those unlucky ones?

[Sempiternity]

Depends what Spiral Dynamics stage society one lives in. I live in a stage Green city, and I surround myself with stage Green/Yellow people. Everyone in my circles of friends are kind, caring (the men are just as loving and caring as the women), connected, all about contribution to others and community, creative, and are always there for you with love when you need them. That's my entire world, this bubble of amazing loving beings. And if someone wasn't up to that standard, they wouldn't be part of this vast community (in the hundreds) of awesomeness. So if you cannot find that in the area you live, well, move to an area with the type of peoples you want to be around, and start getting involved in the types of activities you like to do. Quickly you'll find the network of friends you can get in with. 

[Kay100]

@Sempiternity sounds so nice

 I haven’t heard of the term “stage green city”, what does that mean? And I’m not sure geographical location would determine what type of people are living there... any city has all types of people, some are nice and some are not... is there such a place on earth where it’s like “heaven” everyone is just so wonderful there? Sounds too out of this world to me......

[Sempiternity]

Spiral Dynamics. Look up Leos videos on them, there are like a dozen of them. Very fascinating model that makes people, and societies, and yourself, make sense. Once you know where you place in the SD stages, you can find area of the world (or where you currently live) with people in the same stage, therefore same values.  

[Sempiternity]

I noticed you put down in your profile that you live in New Zealand. I hear that's a pretty cool place to live. If you're in to such things I might suggest trying some local love festivals. Those are usually populated with loving caring artistic peoples, who are big into community. Maybe could meet some new friends and get in with some great social circles.

Here's a couple a really great festivals in NZ:

One Love Festival in Tauranga   https://www.onelovefestival.co.nz

Kiwiburn, New Zealand's regional Burning Man event in the Rangitikei district.  https://kiwiburn.com 

[Waken]

Well, you might like to consider giving up the search or hope to find something, someone, anything that you can rely on. That is a big thing I would say pretty much all people are trying to find in some way. Trying to control life.. How about letting it all go instead

Edited August 12, 2021 by Waken

[Terell Kirby]

19 hours ago, Kay100 said:

I feel like chances are rare for people to have the chance to meet someone that is so nice, gentle, loving, patient, just a perfect soul, like a saint (if there’s actually any in real life)... 

Why do you need this? The key is realizing that others can’t provide you with things that you can’t provide yourself.

Its not a good idea to outsource your well being to others. It opens the door up for folks to take advantage of you..quite easily.

[Kay100]

@Sempiternity “spiral dynamics” sounds so interesting! I will sure look it up!

 

yeah there are lots of very very nice and friendly people here in NZ. You walk down the sidewalk people will smile at you when passing by, and there are always people that would go out of your way to give you some help. 

 

But at the same time, there are gangs and criminals and the crime rate is not particularly low...

 

”love festival” is something new to me as well..... will sure find out more about that...

 

[Kay100]

@Terell Kirby

On 8/13/2021 at 3:20 AM, Terell Kirby said:

Why do you need this? The key is realizing that others can’t provide you with things that you can’t provide yourself.

Its not a good idea to outsource your well being to others. It opens the door up for folks to take advantage of you..quite easily.

I understand what you mean.  It's true that we shouldn't mostly rely on others when we are in difficult times, but currently, I haven't totally figured out very affective way of calming myself when feeling frustrated. Sometimes I'm able to calm myself, sometimes I might feel too overwhelmed that it's too much for myself to calm myself down, at those times if I start to have thoughts like "I don't even have anyone to turn to", that just make myself feel worse. Recently I have been going through some difficult times and I kind of have a bit dark look at the world and I kind of don't trust there are any genuine and nice people around, at least not in my life right now...... But then I thought of someone that I got to know briefly and during the short interaction with him, I feel he's the type that's kind and gentle, although I don't really know too much about him... just the way he talk to me give me the impression that he's really nice..... I thought of him and I thought ok he would be someone that I can actually lean on for a while when I'm feeling so bad right now...... when I thought of that I just felt so relieved.... just the thought of leaning on him for a while at that moment, make me feel like I'm not alone and I am surpported, and the world is not all that dark after all..... 

 

It sure important to be independent and not try to rely on other people all the time.... But it's still nice if we can have some surport from others..... family or friends..... as for myself, my family have good wills for me, but they are kind of not emotionally intellegent I would say..... I can't really go just talk to them, I guess they are not very good listeners and they tent to start panic really easyly whenever even just very little problem acur.... and I just had a kind of transition that lead to lost of some friends..... but I never really had a friend that I can really turn and talk about my problems.....

 

I guess some people might have a nice friend or family memeber that they can talk about their problems with..... but a lot of people don't have as well..... I'm not sure which one is the majority? Do majority of people have good surport in their life or are those the manority? I'm thinking I would feel better if like "ok most people don't have good surport as well", I might feel better because so that's not just me..... but if most people have nice understanding people in their life, and I don't, I would feel like "why most people have that and I don't"? I guess that's not the right way to think about it but at the moment that's where I'm at.....

 

[hamedsf]

Yep, completely agree!

there could be thousands of girls who would tell you " I love you " but which one of them gonna act the same way?

at least, when you deliberately put them through the test, they buckle up easily.

BUT I've seen women with great souls who have been by the side of their men through thick and thin when those men have lost everything to a t.  

[Kay100]

@hamedsf sounds like you think the chance of having someone in your life who is truly a great soul is on the low side?

[Goldzilla]

Does that exist? 

[Kay100]

@Goldzilla you mean true gentle caring souls don’t exist at all?

[Goldzilla]

38 minutes ago, Kay100 said:

@Goldzilla you mean true gentle caring souls don’t exist at all?

Those of us who resolved our finances yes. The majority who are struggling with financial problems they don't have what you speak. They are doing it by fear mostly. 

[Kay100]

@Goldzilla ok so you mean the true caring souls do exist, but some people don't believe that they could be able to attract anyone nice because of their struggle with financial problems? 

 

But people who are struggling financially don't neccessarily all have fear in them? A lot of them do but some might not... And financial struggle wouldn't be the only reason to make people fearful? Why perticularly finance?

[hamedsf]

10 hours ago, Kay100 said:

@hamedsf sounds like you think the chance of having someone in your life who is truly a great soul is on the low side?

well, finding a soil full of gold element is on the low side too. you need to be a good miner to distinguish artificial gold from a real gold. 

[Kay100]

@hamedsf yes but finding gold out of soil is rare no matter if you are experienced miner or not. Is it the same with the people with the heart of gold? Are they actually rare? 

 

I can’t give answer to that question myself because my own past life experience has not been mostly positive so my view of people in general is towards the negative side... but I try not to think too negatively and hoping my view can change towards more positive some day.....

 

For someone one who has had a good positive life, maybe they would say their life is full of great caring people?

[hamedsf]

@Kay100 yeah man, I understand what you're trying to say but past is past. let the past be past. reminding and telling the same past story would make you stuck and attract the same kind of girls. I'm pretty sure there's a good gold out there waiting for kay100! 

[Goldzilla]

7 hours ago, Kay100 said:

@Goldzilla ok so you mean the true caring souls do exist, but some people don't believe that they could be able to attract anyone nice because of their struggle with financial problems? 

 

But people who are struggling financially don't neccessarily all have fear in them? A lot of them do but some might not... And financial struggle wouldn't be the only reason to make people fearful? Why perticularly finance?

At the end of the day it comes down to finance and the power to make a good living. See it as you might, in society is how it is. 

It is the sad truth that people cary on doing stupid shit just to please others.