How do i keep the flame going

[KaRzual]

Dear guys and lads

Im open to hear about how do you keep the flame burning in your romantic relationship. 

Context: Im with my girl for 3 years now. We're not ideal duo, however what is pretty cool about our relationship is that we grow together and learn new things from ourselves. Im pretty confident in my role as a man in the relationship, i lead and im decisive. Im also pretty horny guy. Its like 95% of the times me that initiates sex and im pretty cool with it. However id like to know your ways how do you keep the romance going, how do you keep sex full of emotions and making it great thing. 

[tsuki]

Oh, that's a big one. Can't wait to hear the gurus speak.

I'm in my 6th year and I recently discovered that there is an absolute ton of things that I know that she deeply desires and that I was afraid of doing. There is no better aphrodisiac for my woman than to promise, or give her exactly what she wants. And I know exactly what she wants. So do you.

All of the unnecessary thoughts about being a beta, or being taken advantage of: poof, gone.

It is all a matter of choosing to be happy instead of being right.

Edited August 10, 2021 by tsuki

[KaRzual]

3 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Oh, that's a big one. Can't wait to hear the gurus speak.

I'm in my 6th year and I recently discovered that there is an absolute ton of things that I know that she deeply desires and that I was afraid of doing. There is no better aphrodisiac for my woman than to promise, or give her exactly what she wants. And I know exactly what she wants. So do you.

All of the unnecessary thoughts about being a beta, or being taken advantage of: poof, gone.

It is all a matter of choosing to be happy instead of being right.

Ok i didn't expect this one. So fine - my gf insist on me to do some things, like start to take care of my nails on my feet (i dont cut them but i somehow scratch the with my fingernails, a cringe thing to do but yeah) and some other shit like that. My response is something along lines of - yeah i dont care (i really take that as a shit test from her, maybe thats a mistake). 

Some time ago she insisted that i should bring her flowers sometimes. The only time she gets flowers from me is at our anniversary (she gets 1 rose then so its 3 by now) and when we are walking somewhere and i randomly pick up some flower and give it to her. I like the idea of GIVING to my girl, but not really giving just becouse im ought to. 

So what you are saying is - do the things that she wants? 

[tsuki]

4 minutes ago, KaRzual said:

So what you are saying is - do the things that she wants? 

Yep. But dude, surprise her. And don't be stingy. Get 30 roses out of the blue. Chicks love extremes. Go watch a romantic comedy to see what they want. They LITERALLY want THAT. Get it?

4 minutes ago, KaRzual said:

i really take that as a shit test from her, maybe thats a mistake

Your smelly feet aren't a shit-test. They just smell like shit . Take care of them dude. Nothing sexier than a well-groomed man.

Edited August 10, 2021 by tsuki

[KaRzual]

Okay cool, that's needed perspective change for me. 

[tsuki]

18 minutes ago, KaRzual said:

I like the idea of GIVING to my girl, but not really giving just becouse im ought to. 

This is also a big one. There is no love without freedom. If you don't want to give things to her, don't. But the relationship ain't gonna fly this way. If you want your relationship to be smooth, you want to give her things she wants.

You must realize this. Relationships are an exchange of value. They are about survival. We're pretty freakin' smart animals. Give your relationship 99% instead of 100% and she will know immediately. You will know if she's not committed as well. Just 1% is enough to make you know.

Edited August 10, 2021 by tsuki

[Farnaby]

2 hours ago, KaRzual said:

My response is something along lines of - yeah i dont care (i really take that as a shit test from her, maybe thats a mistake). 

I see myself so much in this lol. Not because of the nails, but because I also am pretty sensitive/reactive to any attempt to control/change me. 

What kind of works for me is trying out those changes and see if I like how they make me feel, but without drastically changing the way I do things just to please my gf. Like you, I like giving but not when I'm asked to give lol I like it to be a spontaneous act and not force something that I'm not feeling.

As to how to keep the flame going, that's a tough one. I would say not letting conflicts stay unresolved, good communication, trying out new things, trying to contribute to a light/fun/playful atmosphere as much as you can. Also spending time apart, with your male friends, focusing on your life purpose, stuff like that.

It's not easy and I can't give you a perfect answer ?

[hamedsf]

I'd say that make the sex enjoyable by spicing things up.

role playing, changing the place of sex, asking about her wild fantasies, BDSM, kinky activities, fetishes. 

open your mind about that stuff, sex itself is the act of moving it back and forth through the hole but you could flare up the relationship if you added those things I mentioned. 

[KaRzual]

8 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

What kind of works for me is trying out those changes and see if I like how they make me feel, but without drastically changing the way I do things just to please my gf. Like you, I like giving but not when I'm asked to give lol I like it to be a spontaneous act and not force something that I'm not feeling.

That's really good perspective. I'm looking forward to adapt it. 

 

13 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

As to how to keep the flame going, that's a tough one. I would say not letting conflicts stay unresolved, good communication, trying out new things, trying to contribute to a light/fun/playful atmosphere as much as you can. Also spending time apart, with your male friends, focusing on your life purpose, stuff like that.

 

Yeah the one with communication and unresolved conflicts is massive. 

 

 

[KaRzual]

8 minutes ago, hamedsf said:

role playing, changing the place of sex, asking about her wild fantasies, BDSM, kinky activities, fetishes. 

 

Yeah we are kind of vanila when it comes to sex. I implement my fetish sometimes, but it's just for the sake of my own pleasure. I didn't discover yet my girl's fetishes. I know how she likes to be fucked, she likes anal play sometimes but that's all i know. I gave her space to open up with her fantasies as i expressed mine but i have gotten no real answer beside that she likes "being taken care of". 

Quote

sex itself is the act of moving it back and forth through the hole 

And i LOVE that!

Edited August 10, 2021 by KaRzual
adding a bit of info

[hamedsf]

5 minutes ago, KaRzual said:

Yeah we are kind of vanila when it comes to sex. I implement my fetish sometimes, but it's just for the sake of my own pleasure. I didn't discover yet my girl's fetishes. I know how she likes to be fucked, she likes anal play sometimes but that's all i know. I gave her space to open up with her fantasies as i expressed mine but i have gotten no real answer beside that she likes "being taken care of". 

And i LOVE that!

don't have normal vanilla sex, rather chocolate sex. I'm sure she would love to give you a chocolate blowjob! ?

[KaRzual]

6 minutes ago, hamedsf said:

don't have normal vanilla sex, rather chocolate sex. I'm sure she would love to give you a chocolate blowjob! ?

@hamedsf A chocolate blowjob! I haven't heard about this one. Does it include putting your dick into nutella or some kind of chocolate cream? If so - tested with my first gf. It wasn't that pleasurable at all.

Btw she (my first gf) was the one that pushed for some new things, like giving me a bj with ice cubes in her mouth and i was like - yeah pretty cool, but i like the classical bj more. 

[aurum]

3 hours ago, KaRzual said:

@hamedsf A chocolate blowjob! I haven't heard about this one. Does it include putting your dick into nutella or some kind of chocolate cream? If so - tested with my first gf. It wasn't that pleasurable at all.

Btw she (my first gf) was the one that pushed for some new things, like giving me a bj with ice cubes in her mouth and i was like - yeah pretty cool, but i like the classical bj more. 

A caveat to everything I’m about to say: my longest romantic relationship has only lasted a couple of years. So I could be talking out of my ass.

But in my experience, these sort of novelty experiences don’t have staying power.

It’s maybe a bit exciting for how ever long it’s exciting. Then it’s gone, and you’re onto the next novelty kick.

Which is not to say you can’t do it. But I think that if you really want to keep things going, you need something deeper than a chocolate dick.

What really seems to work is moving into higher consciousness forms of love. That’s a love that isn’t driven by novelty. 

You may want to research tantric love practices. 

[KaRzual]

Thank you @aurum for your response. I've got to agree in the case of novelty and moving into higher consciousness forms of love. 

I'm interested if you have any tantric love practices/books/materials to recommend?

 

[LastThursday]

On 10/08/2021 at 1:26 PM, KaRzual said:

how do you keep sex full of emotions and making it great thing. 

It's the difference between eating pizza every day, or savouring every mouthful of Roast Pavé of Wild Salmon once a year. Ritual, setting, ambiance, pace, dressing up, trying something new.

[RickyFitts]

18 hours ago, aurum said:

But I think that if you really want to keep things going, you need something deeper than a chocolate dick.

Very profound! 

(But yes, I agree!)

[aurum]

2 hours ago, KaRzual said:

Thank you @aurum for your response. I've got to agree in the case of novelty and moving into higher consciousness forms of love. 

I'm interested if you have any tantric love practices/books/materials to recommend?

 

I've recommended Slow Sex by Diana Richardson many times. Totally shifted my perspective on sexuality and what the goal of it should be.

[Nahm]

@KaRzual

Most importantly, don’t need her, don’t enable her need of you, don’t care what she thinks, don’t care if you understand her, and don’t care if she understands you. Love freely & unconditionally, rather than getting caught up in the insignificant transience of things / the spell of the daily mundane / relationship sleeping. 

Know we process emotion via expression, and be aware of the power of simply (but actually) holding space. Don’t interrupt. Don’t judge. Don’t solve. (I mean subtly, in your mind, let alone out loud. Stay presence.)

The ‘lighter’ fun stuff… anything out of the ordinary, or not of daily repetition - anything that is a surprise or unexpected more or less. Schedule a trip, clean & set up the place (romantic like) before she comes over / get’s home. Order something she wants, that she doesn’t realize she wants yet. (Pinterest is very useful). 

Know what she likes, wants, loves, and dreams of - and weave that into your (and thus her) reality. From the small to the big, the simple to the deep, from the safety & reassurance aspects to the exhilarating, new, & adventurous. Consciously be co-creating, everyday, every moment. 

Sentimentally speaking, make a point to express deeply & simply, every single day. Never let a day go by assuming she know’s how you feel. Say it with your words, but also, sometimes just with your energy. If you feel it, she will feel it. In the longer term, if you’re both meditative, turn the mind / identity off, and go on a first date. Get to know each other, etc. Repeat. 

And in case you’ve not realized it yet, this whole universe exists just for her. She is indeed the goddess. 

[hamedsf]

On 8/11/2021 at 0:26 AM, aurum said:

A caveat to everything I’m about to say: my longest romantic relationship has only lasted a couple of years. So I could be talking out of my ass.

But in my experience, these sort of novelty experiences don’t have staying power.

It’s maybe a bit exciting for how ever long it’s exciting. Then it’s gone, and you’re onto the next novelty kick.

Which is not to say you can’t do it. But I think that if you really want to keep things going, you need something deeper than a chocolate dick.

What really seems to work is moving into higher consciousness forms of love. That’s a love that isn’t driven by novelty. 

You may want to research tantric love practices. 

not agree on this one.

the shallow superficial fun & excitement activities are exactly the cornerstones of the relationship.

without 'em, you couldn't build deep stuff on top of air. 

[KaRzual]

13 hours ago, Nahm said:

Most importantly, don’t need her

Well @Nahm if she's my only sexual partner (at the moment ofc) how the heck am i supposed to not need her? I mean - i'm not needy. I don't really think i am, but i'm pretty horny creature that craves sex. Now what? Play the game of acting like i don't need that?

13 hours ago, Nahm said:

don’t enable her need of you

Literary how? What does it even mean? That i don't do things that i think will make her need me? If that's the case it's kinda counterintuitive. 

13 hours ago, Nahm said:

and don’t care if she understands you

Big one. Noted.

13 hours ago, Nahm said:

Love freely & unconditionally, rather than getting caught up in the insignificant transience of things / the spell of the daily mundane / relationship sleeping. 

Yeah i gotta say i got better at it lately i guess. 

13 hours ago, Nahm said:

and be aware of the power of simply (but actually) holding space

What do you mean?

13 hours ago, Nahm said:

The ‘lighter’ fun stuff… anything out of the ordinary, or not of daily repetition - anything that is a surprise or unexpected more or less. Schedule a trip, clean & set up the place (romantic like) before she comes over / get’s home. Order something she wants, that she doesn’t realize she wants yet. (Pinterest is very useful). 

Great one.