Even Though I'm Conscious Enough, I don't Have a Pure Mind

[Ferretab]

Hello.

I'm striving to become more conscious on a daily basis, doing what must be done to attain "the level of a master."

I am doing that even when I don't feel like it, meaning that I don't let my dysfunctional mental states take over me and make me distract myself with social media or YouTube videos.

There is something dysfunctional in my subconscious mind. I can feel that intensely and with clarity. I am conscious of the fact that something broken and maladjusted is always running in the back of my mind, making me seek caffeine or food just to alleviate that brokenness for a while.

I'm an expert meditator and I can put myself in the present moment in less than ten seconds; it's that state of flow like "accessing concentration".

With that being said, I still don't have that inner stillness that I want or the clarity of mind that allows me to read books without having an inner need and an impulse to be distracted with nonsense.

Should I try psychedelics like LSD or Magic Mushrooms? Are they going to help me understand myself better? Or should I keep meditating continuously?

I should not forget mentioning that I grew up in a dysfunctional family, with an alcoholic (violent) father and a distant, depressive mother.

Should I give myself more time for healing and keep doing the "consciousness work?"

[Inliytened1]

49 minutes ago, Ferretab said:

Hello.

I'm striving to become more conscious on a daily basis, doing what must be done to attain "the level of a master."

I am doing that even when I don't feel like it, meaning that I don't let my dysfunctional mental states take over me and make me distract myself with social media or YouTube videos.

There is something dysfunctional in my subconscious mind. I can feel that intensely and with clarity. I am conscious of the fact that something broken and maladjusted is always running in the back of my mind, making me seek caffeine or food just to alleviate that brokenness for a while.

I'm an expert meditator and I can put myself in the present moment in less than ten seconds; it's that state of flow like "accessing concentration".

With that being said, I still don't have that inner stillness that I want or the clarity of mind that allows me to read books without having an inner need and an impulse to be distracted with nonsense.

Should I try psychedelics like LSD or Magic Mushrooms? Are they going to help me understand myself better? Or should I keep meditating continuously?

I should not forget mentioning that I grew up in a dysfunctional family, with an alcoholic (violent) father and a distant, depressive mother.

Should I give myself more time for healing and keep doing the "consciousness work?"

First off you sound amazingly meta aware of yourself and your own strengths and weaknesses.  Going meta on yourself is the entire key to awakening and you seem to be very strong in that regard.  But the issue is that you are trying to find an issue.  As in, it's like you need to fill a void to feel complete or whole...as you said - something was broken- and you feel that enlightenment will give you that fix.   Well..it will but it will not be a permanent solution...after enlightenment you will still find yourself working on deepening your awareness of reality and self.  This will be a continual process so if you take psychedelics right now and you are shown a glimpse of awakening - it will not be sustainable.   So my advice is don't over think in terms of seeking something to fulfill you.  Just bask in the glory of Absolute Being as you have done with meditation.  Continue that and perhaps pursue some additional interests that can keep you busy.  I am also not discouraging you from taking them.  Awakening via psychedelics may provide deep insights and also invigorate you- but just remember there will be an integration process afterwards and to ensure you take the time to integrate them.  So ultimately the choice is yours on psychedelics.  They can provide deep insights but you must remember that they can also shatter your entire reality- which perhaps is the point here - but only you know if you are ready for that 

[WelcometoReality]

37 minutes ago, Ferretab said:

I can feel that intensely and with clarity. I am conscious of the fact that something broken and maladjusted is always running in the back of my mind, making me seek caffeine or food just to alleviate that brokenness for a while.

What feelings come up when you don't try to alleviate this brokenness?

Try sitting with those feelings instead of distracting yourself and see what happens.

[Nahm]

8 hours ago, Ferretab said:

Are they going to help me understand myself better?

Yes.