Severe feeling of not being here

[afy355]

Hello.

I've been suffering from a feeling of not being here for five years now. I struggle to work, I struggle to study, it gets really hard to think and feel almost every moment of my waking life. I'm here because I want to start micro-dosing with LSD. It all went wrong when I took Magic Mushrooms, though. I've ended up in a mental hospital, because I nearly committed suicide. I actually almost broke my skull by myself on the floor. I've tried to solve it naturally, but the feeling of not being here is pretty severe and it did not change at all over the course of five years now. I am visiting a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, I am taking pills (anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and some other), I was in different mental institutions and also tried a different diet. I will now try the Carnivore diet, perhaps it helps, I might be poisoning my body without knowing so. But the point is, I need some advice on micro-dosing or maybe further reading. It really helps if I talk to someone or post to forums, though. If there's anyone with experience with micro-dosing or if the post resonates with you, please let me know (you can send me a message if you want)!

Tim

[Blackhawk]

I think that's what they call enlightenment?

[Cathal]

hey tim,

actually the first time i did mushrooms i also tried to kill myself, i had absolutely no fucking idea what spirituality meant what psychedelics were and basically the first wave of terror i got totally lost in trains of thought and fully immersed in suicidal fantasy and still have big marks on my wrist and neck because i also feel like i haven't been here in years. for me, it's dissociation basically. 

i also was prescribed ssris, snris, mood stabalizers, anti-psychotics, i went manic, i went numb to unbearable points wondering why the fuck is existing this painful?

a total inability to experience connecting to anything, it can be the most cruel feeling on the planet.

for me it was a lot of neglecting myself being raised the way i was and right now trying to let go of all the attachments i developed of the years.  so including visiting professionals and institutes perhaps you could find yourself a real healer, someone who has been through a lot of suffering and found themselves giving back with sincerity. letting yourself trust them, building a relationship and opening up to your armoured traumas that need work. parenting yourself so to say, building a healthy ego so you can transcend it, that's what i believe from my experience, the sick voice in our head cannot be fixed through sitting still for several weeks even with great understanding, it needs proper healing. because that's just the world we're born into, we need deep real healing to cope with how backwards we went.

you're not broken and i don't think anti-depressants will really fix the doing the work on the boundaries of your mind. microdosing psychedelics will dissolve the boundaries and give you a little freedom for a while, but i hope you don't neglect the amount of work you need to realize you must do on yourself and the time involved, i'm still having trouble accepting just how much work needs to be done. 

you really cannot step one baby step in front of yourself, you just break and return to baseline. baseline is your start and end, it all happens right now.

sorry i don't have microdosing advice but good luck.

[Barbara]

Hey Tim, I’m sorry to hear that.
Have you ever done a CAT scan? 

[The0Self]

On 8/9/2021 at 4:53 PM, Blackhawk said:

I think that's what they call enlightenment?

^^ ? 

But seriously, it sounds more likely that this is depersonalization — there’s still someone there who is aware that the separate “I” or experiencer has no substance and everything seems centerless. With enlightenment there’s no experience of the I having no substance — the experiencer just isn’t there.

Perhaps contemplation would be of use? I don’t know. I never really had terrifying depersonalization in a problematic sense, I just viewed it as a side effect of spiritual practice so I pretty much ignored it, as crazy as that sounds.

Edited August 12, 2021 by The0Self

[Mu_]

On 8/9/2021 at 4:41 PM, afy355 said:

Hello.

I've been suffering from a feeling of not being here for five years now. I struggle to work, I struggle to study, it gets really hard to think and feel almost every moment of my waking life. I'm here because I want to start micro-dosing with LSD. It all went wrong when I took Magic Mushrooms, though. I've ended up in a mental hospital, because I nearly committed suicide. I actually almost broke my skull by myself on the floor. I've tried to solve it naturally, but the feeling of not being here is pretty severe and it did not change at all over the course of five years now. I am visiting a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, I am taking pills (anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and some other), I was in different mental institutions and also tried a different diet. I will now try the Carnivore diet, perhaps it helps, I might be poisoning my body without knowing so. But the point is, I need some advice on micro-dosing or maybe further reading. It really helps if I talk to someone or post to forums, though. If there's anyone with experience with micro-dosing or if the post resonates with you, please let me know (you can send me a message if you want)!

Tim

Sorry for the suffering you've gone through in all this, its not easy and sounds like something similar to what I went through for a while.  

What worked for me at the time was to first realize that I was here, otherwise I wouldn't be experiencing "not being here".   Right?  If you are not here, then you wouldn't be aware or experiencing so called "not here".  ITs a thought/feel confusion.    In time it become more obvious that what was aware of the thoughts and feelings of "not being here" was me or much closer to truth. 

By the sound of it, you need to make the transition of understanding the old you that feels like its no longer here, is being seen by 'You', and to become more grounded in that.  This is both freeing and grounding and at the same time the it may still be scary and frightening accepting this new change.

 

Hope that helps.

 

It may also help to think about this from third person as well, and someone came to you and said I still feel like I'm in Vietnam fighting other people.  And you said, no silly, your right here, look around at the trees and the birds, feel the water its liquidy and comfy, touch it, see for yourself.  Right?  You know what they are saying is just going on in feelings/thoughts, and not actual, and much in the same way, you believing flashbacks that are not actual.