Serious problem with my mom

[Radu97]

Hey guys! Sorry in advanced for the long post.

 

Long story short I have landed a great job in London and I will be leaving in mid august and start work. I am originally from Romania and I have been before traveling and working in spain before but nothing like this. For the past year I have been trying to seize this opportunity at a great company in London and basically my visa is accepted everything organized etc. Basically I am very close to fulfilling one of my dreams to work in a great company where I wanted and to train jiu-jitsu at one of the best gyms in the world (as I also train hard to become a black belt and one day open my own gym).

 

The problem is my unsupportive family mainly my mother. Ever since the pandemic started she started going crazy. I got my vaccine dose which my mom despises me for. Basically ever since the pandemic started she started going down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories, world domination, online info wars censorship, we are going to die from the vaccine etc. When I applied for the visa I was shocked that she MY MOTHER! told me that she wished with all her heart that they UK gov would refuse my visa just so I don't leave them. She says that I am going to London because I don't appreciate anything I have here and that I am going to slave to the UK government so the english people stay on welfare from my taxes. 

She is involved in doTerra MLM and when I had covid wanted me to ingest her essential oils.  She also gets her info from facebook groups which spread misinformation and pays a shit tone of money to a local guru for self development but in reality this guru spreads misinformation about the pandemic, conspiracy theories and much more and my mom literally believes everything this guru says. 

 

We have been having fights ever since the pandemic started and I tried to stay calm and try to explain her what I want from life but she disses me away. I am even going to therapy one a week to know how to deal with this but every time she has something to guilt me for. She also says that she made me, I am her child therefore she is my life. 

 

I am leaving for London in 5 days. You think cutting ties with her is a good idea?

Edited August 8, 2021 by Radu97

[Eph75]

One could imagine that she's adding resistence out of fear of feeling abondonmant, which is probably just natural for any parent, but here takes on an unhearly manifestation based on her skewed view on reality whereas other parents would be proud of the accomplishments you are making in that process. 

Not allowing her input to limit you in you fulfilling dreams in your life is a definite yes. If that completely involves cutting ties or just leaving and see where the relationship shifts towards post-leaving leaves some space to manuever the relationship. Maybe that fear, if so, settles down after the fact, maybe not. 

The only thing you can do it to be short, determined and consistent, and not go into argumentation around what you do in your life. It's not hers to define and there is no argument to be had. 

Are there two questions in this?

Your moving away and feeling stifled and limited by your mother and what to do - and - your concern about her behavior spiraling out of control during the pandemic, and that situation risk worsening if you leave, hence a sense of guilt? 

[Radu97]

She basically guilts me in a way that even  though I know it's the right thing to do is to go to London and profit from this opportunity I feel as if I am doing the wrong decision, I will regret going and she also makes me feel completely unworthy and shitty as a person while we fight. I am conscious that there is no way for me to explain to her what I want in life even though I am calm and try to communicate with patience. She is way too down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories, nationalism, anti-vax and guilting me that I am the only one that got the vaccine. I should have not taken it because all my family didn't take it etc

[Bob Seeker]

I’m sorry to hear that. Wishing the best best for you as you move forward. You are brave for doing what you feel is right. 

[Vzdoh]

She is psychologically unhealthy. Ask her to see a counselor. All she is saying to you is coming from a fear to be abandoned and left alone and a desire to control you. She perceives you as an object, not another separate human being - a subject. this happens normally when the person has a lack of empathy and is highly egoistic. She also lacks critical thinking it seems which might mean declining mental ability if it wasn't this way before.

Distance yourself and stop any interaction and talking on all those subjects. Continue communication only if she talks normally and does not paddle all these conspiracy theories with you. If she tries to guilt-trip you, refuse this tactic by directly telling her that guilt-tripping u is not gonna help her be closer to you and have a good relationship with you.

See a psychologist as well

[Arcangelo]

7 hours ago, Radu97 said:

You think cutting ties with her is a good idea?

Yes.

[Leo Gura]

@Radu97 How old are you and what is your living situation? Are you able to support yourself?

[Stovo]

@Radu97 My father is also toxic in various ways. I haven't cut him completely from my life, but I keep my distance. 

Recently I messaged him just to see how he is doing. Got into the subject of me having had a covid vaccine, and he completely flew off the handle. Bombarded me with conspiracy videos, and talked about how I won't ever understand the "freedom" he had in his day. Said he's sickened that I've put poison in my body.

Anyway, the point is my father doesn't seem to be quite as bad as your mother, yet I still keep a big distance because I know spending too long around him would fill my life with negativity. 

I would advise keeping a distance, if you are able to support yourself financially. You don't have to remove her entirely from your life, just keep the communication to a minimum and on your terms. 

 

 

[Radu97]

@Leo Gura yes I am able to sustain myself. During the pandemic I have worked a lot to save money for the visa to pay it and sustain myself there for the first month when I work to pay the rent, food etc. I am 24 y.o.  The thing is ever since the pandemic started she started acting like this. I have gone to spain when I was 19  as well by myself twice and she actually supported me.

 

I will be leaving for london on the 13 th of august and I am super excited. Covid test, rent, plane ticket everything organised. The thing is even if I am very motivated and happy that my dreams are so close to coming to fruition (amazing job and training bjj at an amazing gym) hearing my mom telling me all this is making me have doubts....which I am conscious that  it's bs but it sometimes cripples in my mind sometimes.

 

Thanks all for the responses! Appreciate it!

[Eternity]

I just watched some videos on youtube about families having to split up because one member has gone down the rabbit holey of conspiracy theories and is a fanatic.  You cannot reason with these people once they are convinced the conspiracy is true.  Over here in the U.S. the biggest conspiracy is that the world is being run by a shadow government that works in secret with many politicians involved and that they run a paedophile ring that cannibalizes babies.  It's all completely crazy and rational people don't believe such nonsense.  But it is helpful to watch some of the videos on youtube made by people who have had an awakening that these theories were just crazy and they gave that craziness up.  There are also vids of families who had to cut contact with their family members and  some by psychologists who specialize in deprogramming conspiracy theory believers.

I believe  you will not convince your mother to see things your way, unless she comes to her senses on her own.  Arguing doesn't work. I think you should tell her that no matter what, you love her, but you  are still going to follow your dream in the U.K.  Even if she tells you not to ever come back, she will probably wake up to the manipulation she has been victim of, and you will reunite one day.  She has some  paranoia that made her believe these conspiracies are real.  But there are people who recover and go back to normal behavior.  Things  will all work out, you'll see.

[tsuki]

23 hours ago, Radu97 said:

I am leaving for London in 5 days. You think cutting ties with her is a good idea?

All children, especially masculine men, become independent sooner or later. It is painful for mothers because you were literally a part of her body for 9 months and she was supporting you for all of your life. She might have not grown out of this mindset at all.

As painful as it is for her, this is none of your concern. She will fight for you to stay, and yet you have decided to pursue your dream. There is no other way.

At some point, you may find a way in which she fits with your life and your relationship may rekindle. The nature of the mother-son relationship is such that you have no choice in loving her and she has no choice in loving you. She will wait until you reach out and you will want to and hate yourself for it at the same time (until you grow up).

Now, you are a man. Do what you must.

[Loving Radiance]

22 hours ago, Radu97 said:

I was shocked that she MY MOTHER! told me that she wished with all her heart that they UK gov would refuse my visa just so I don't leave them. She says that I am going to London because I don't appreciate anything I have here and that I am going to slave to the UK government so the english people stay on welfare from my taxes.

22 hours ago, Radu97 said:

We have been having fights ever since the pandemic started and I tried to stay calm and try to explain her what I want from life but she disses me away. I am even going to therapy one a week to know how to deal with this but every time she has something to guilt me for. She also says that she made me, I am her child therefore she is my life.

Of course your mother doesn't want to let you have your own life. That's understandable. She got to learn that you are your own person. You love your mother right? Blood is thicker than water insofar your family supports you. If the guilting & non-support drags you down then tell her that her behavior towards you is a negative influence (be very specific what she does that is negatively influencing you) and that you will cut contact till you feel better. Cut toxic people out of your life and give feedback what specifically moves you to do that. Hope that your mother comes out and realizes that she loves you for who you are.