How to deal with disrespect from men as a man?

[assx95]

I am unsure of whether to tell that guy that I felt disrespected by the way he talked to me. He is a colleague in Business School. I could see two things, one is, letting go of this, and two, telling him the truth. 

 

 

[Chew211]

Don't make a habit out of being disrespected. Don't tolerate it in the moment.

[hamedsf]

letting go? heh, don't even think about it. he'll get used to it if he doesn't get smashed verbally. 

[meow_meow]

I'd call the guy out as soon as I'd feel disrespected, thats called setting up boundaries.
People will test your boundaries and the price of having none is becoming a doormat not only to other men but women aswell.
If you let go and do nothing about it the disrespect is most likely to escalate. 

Also take a look into narcisism.

 

[Jacob Morres]

Important topic. It's important to stand up for yourself and your feelings and set boundaries 

[Matt23]

Personally, whenever I try to just let these interpersonal things go, it never works.  The pain and then resentment just stay there and I feel worse.  

For me, the most effective thing has most often (if not always) been to communicate how you felt when he did "x"..  The first time (or few) maybe try to come from a stance of just trying to communicate clearly and effectively without blaming.  Almost just like sending him a clear signal and assume he might not even be aware of what's happening.  Then, at least you know he knows and can judge him in the future based on his actions towards you, knowing full well how you feel when he does those things.  Then you know either "Oh, he stopped.  He must respect me."  Or "Oh, I've told him how I feel when he does certain things.  Yet he continues to do them.  He must not give a shit about me." --> this is where escalating things and being more assertive and confrontational come into play.  

 

Edited August 8, 2021 by Matt23

[Eph75]

@assx95

There is a third option that you learn more from that is related to what it was that you felt disrespected around, how you relate to that subject, what it was within you that triggered you, and if it's disrespect from other, victimhood within you or a combination of both. 

If we're throwing around simple answers we're typically fooling ourselves as any given interaction with any given other is much more complex than what first meets the eye. 

So the third option that you don't include is introspect, into yourself, and examining how you relate to this feeling of disrespect and also contemplate the perspective of other, the person that you think disrespected you, and how it would have been perceived by someone else that wouldn't have been triggered by whatever perceived disrespectful act that was thought being committed.

Truly letting go needs to be preceeded by acceptance of what is, which stands on a foundation of introspection, and not as an act to let something "slide" . The latter is not letting go and rather ignoring the feeling of one's outwards boundaries having been overstepped and adds to building resentment towards other. 

You don't mention what it was with the way he spoke to you that triggered you, so hard to do other than generalize around what a good process to facilitate personal growth is (above). 

Edited August 8, 2021 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

Let go. If it happens too often, either tell him or cut him out.

[Farnaby]

@Eph75 this is true, but I think an important part of self development is learning to assert yourself. Otherwise you may easily fall into spiritual bypassing, rationalizing and so on but building up resentment, rumination and not developing the ability to be assertive with your boundaries and emotions. 

[Breakingthewall]

say it without a doubt. if you shut up you create a pattern, karma. always better to sin by excess than by default. if you go over you can always apologize, if you fall short, there it remains

Edited August 8, 2021 by Breakingthewall

[Eph75]

@Farnaby

Absolutely, it's just that with greater understanding and wider perspective, the options available to us are more than likely other than the obvious default ones that are right in front of us, which usually are too simplistic to be closer to what's true, and less effective in creating permanent change. 

This can of course be paired with maintaining outward boundaries, but if it's being us that is overly sensitive, acting outwardly on overly sensitive inward emotion "rashs" that causes us to misinterpret the intentions or the absense of intention in other's behaviors, then it's us adding drama for no apparent reason. 

I'm not saying this is the case, but switching to looking at others, since it's easier to see this in others than in self, how often isn't it that others act seemingly irrational toward nonsense or non-existing situations, apparently misinterpretating anything that is happening to such a degree that you wonder if they're doing that misinterpretation on purpose, which of course is not the case. 

This is what you can catch with introspection, and this is where we're responsible to intervene with our own egos and take action against self. 

And this is what we want. To increase the complexity of our own sense making so that we over time can grow an expanding understanding of the world, making new interpretations and as a result, new options become available to us.

And of course, if you choose to not respond to a regularly occurring phenomena that is infringing on our space, and just switch to introspection, then we're procrastinating. We need to be actionable, it's just that we want to resort to high quality actions and not knee-jerk responses, and also acknowledge that no-action is a perfectly viable option. 

I.e. developmental growth - where we perceive a problem, there's a growth opportunity that we're not seeing 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Eph75

[Roy]

Confront him directly about it. Put him on the spot and tell him what you didn't like about it. He'll either apologize and gain some respect for you, or won't take ownership for it and the relationship in whatever capacity it exists will end.

Either way you will both know where you stand. You don't want it to be in limbo.

[tsuki]

You've lost your chance to address the disrespect. Move on, but learn to be conscious of your emotions on the spot.

If you ever feel bad in his presence again, tell him what he does and why it bothers you. If he does not acknowledge it, makes fun of you, or whatever, avoid him. Some people will cross your boundaries to assert dominance out of insecurity. They are not worth your time. It takes practice to spot them and it is difficult to move past if you had lots of people like that in the past.

[Farnaby]

@Eph75 I kind of agree and have always tried to look for the underlying dynamics of any conflict. 

7 hours ago, Eph75 said:

This can of course be paired with maintaining outward boundaries, but if it's being us that is overly sensitive, acting outwardly on overly sensitive inward emotion "rashs" that causes us to misinterpret the intentions or the absense of intention in other's behaviors, then it's us adding drama for no apparent reason.

However, this is exactly my problem with this approach. Who decides what is overly sensitive? Isn't that a form of self-blame and judging yourself. In my experience this can lead to constantly second-guess yourself and not assert your boundaries. 

I agree though, that it's a good idea to look for patterns in what triggers us, but it's easy to become neurotic about it and repress your emotions this way. 

If something doesn't sit well with you, it's a good practice to learn how to communicate that assertively and respectfully, even if you are being "too sensitive". 

[Eph75]

@Farnaby Ay, we're not negating each other 

Respecting the complexity in any given situation, any option or approach is one tool in our toolbox, and there's an AND-relationship between all tools, they do not negate or replace each other, they can be freely combined to produce desired outcomes more efficiently.

The more tools in the toolbox, and the more complex own sense-making we apply to any given situation, that makes that situation easy/easier to solve in a constructive way, that very likely help building relationships rather than risk of polarization.

Introspection isn't about self-blame and self-judgement, if that's what we're doing then it's not introspection, it's self-bashing happening.

Ultimately it's us assessing ourselves and there is always great risk of self-bias, and our ability to more soberly assess ourselves happens when taking ourselves out of the heat of the moment and doing that assessment when we're calm and settled. To become aware of new aspects, and there's always new aspects to become aware of, calls for stretching our sense-making which happens under constructive circumstances.

Essentially it's stopping in the moment, to analyze, assess the situation more deeply, then take action.

We all know that action without taking that time results in autonomous behaviors, which means we act out of existing behavioral patterns without reassessing the underlying data.

AND this doesn't negating setting outward boundaries.

Just pointing towards the 99 out of 100 times where a situation or interaction is more complex than one guy being perfect and the other an A-hole - and that it's our job to learn to see what wisdom is hiding, waiting to be found behind those 99 other ones 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Eph75

[Danioover9000]

@assx95

On 07/08/2021 at 7:49 AM, assx95 said:

I am unsure of whether to tell that guy that I felt disrespected by the way he talked to me. He is a colleague in Business School. I could see two things, one is, letting go of this, and two, telling him the truth. 

 

 

   Listen to some heavy metal, go do some body exercises, martial arts, and integrate your stage red shadow. Learn how a typical stage red thinks, feels, and emulate parts of that. Also learn how to set boundaries. Always good to be mindful, and correct that behaviour in the spot, asap especially if the person wasn't aware if the behaviour was bothering you, and also to clearly see where the other stands as well. And look forward to being challenged and being assertive, it's the closest thing to being in that thrill state in a civilised setting, whereas in the past sometimes it has to get violent to be resolved, and that is even more lively,  charged with energy.

[asifarahim]

Fastest way= learn boxing

Other way= learn machiavellianism,jack donovan way of man

Combine both

 

In mainstream world respect is taken not given.be the most badass man through boxing and u will get respect.remember the quote "if u want peace,prepare for war". 

[Jacob Morres]

On 8/9/2021 at 4:53 AM, tsuki said:

You've lost your chance to address the disrespect. Move on, but learn to be conscious of your emotions on the spot.

If you ever feel bad in his presence again, tell him what he does and why it bothers you. If he does not acknowledge it, makes fun of you, or whatever, avoid him. Some people will cross your boundaries to assert dominance out of insecurity. They are not worth your time. It takes practice to spot them and it is difficult to move past if you had lots of people like that in the past.

Good point 

[Ilan]

Do not go too deep into that game.. You should not often find yourself in a situation where you feel disrespected if you walk into life smartly. If that happens as anything can happen. Confront if you want to confront or let go if you feel as letting go.. just do not overthink it, it is not worth it 

[Spiral]

Calmly talk about the next time it happens. Bonus points if you can do it in front of his family, friends or girls he likes. 
 

If it’s serious get the cops involved, if that doesn’t help consider more radical options.