My Brother Have Some Disorder, Need Help And Advice

[Paan]

I need to get some support and advice on this.

 Its about my younger brother who now is 22 years old, he has some kind of problem or disorder but I dont know what and I dont know how to help him.

He hasnt had a job yet, he says he wants to study further but didnt get in to the school he wanted and now he will apply again next year. I tell him that he needs to get a job and not just sit and wait for a whole year. He is living with our parents right now, he has no friends at all. 

It has been worse the last couple of years, he needs to have control or something over everything. In his room he has everything in order, you are not allowed to even move a pen on the desk. When you talk to him its like talking to a wall, he never speaks first, there is no feelings at all. He eats only at certain times and in a day he sits only at home doing almost nothing. Everything has to be in line. He is super picky about his hair, you cant touch him for some reason. He can go shower in the middle of the night for hours even. He  cant go for example to the movie theater because he says he could panic and needs to get out.

My mother and father dont have anymore energy to tell him to get a job and an own appartment, my mom cries and tries to talk to him but as I wrote before its like talking to a wall...it doesnt stick to him at all. The worst part is that he can scream and yell at my mom some times. When I hear about it my heart cries out. I am really sad about this, the whole family is. We talked with him about seen a shrink or something but he doesnt want at all. I feel this is a waist of his life and even my parents lives because they suffer because of it. The same with me when I think about it or hear from my mother whats going on.

I feel Ive lost my brother completly, its just a shell. It hasnt been this forever, a time ago we could do stuff togheter and have fun but now its impossible. I feel that this came gradually with everything. I have a real hard time explaining the situation but I hope you can understand.

From all this negative he is a miracle at what he desides to do, he learned to play the guitar all by himself. And he plays REALLY great, its not only me who says that but many people ( this was some time ago) wonders how the hell can he be some good at it. And that school he didnt got in to was a school for making computer games in 3D(dont know the name) but instead he bought some books and now he learnd to do 3D animations by himself that are fantastic. He is also really good at math.

I think ive gotten it all down, hope some can share thoughts or advice with this situation. Thank You!

[SBB4746]

Sounds to me like he may be Autistic and bit OCD to me. Maybe you should into that. 

[AxelK]

Without being a professional in the field it sounds like OCD and perhaps social anxiety or some other anxiety disorder. You or your parents could find him a therapist, these things can be hard to talk about directly with family. Finding a person who is an outsider is important, they can make objective observations without it getting too personal. People can benefit from an outsider giving perspective because the person who is suffering may not take the advice from close family as serious.

[Paan]

Yes, thats my guess too, that it may be some kind of OCD and social anxiety. The hard part is that he doesnt want any help, we have talked alot of this with him about getting help by a therapist but he dont want. We cant drag or pull him out and away to see someone professional.

But lets say we get him to somehow go get help, is there a chance for it to be better?

Thank you for the replies!

[AxelK]

There is definitely a chance to get better if he actually seeks help, the problem is getting him to want improvement himself. People can only get better if they actually want it themselves, some people are so far gone that they want to be sick. Being sick becomes a comfort zone for some people, so its important to solve the problems before that happens. If he goes to a therapist you have no guarantees for improvement, but what does he have to lose? 

Edited November 29, 2016 by AxelK

[Paan]

yes, the biggest issue is that he right now doesnt do any improvementwork at all, we have almost stopped caring because we have come to a point were we kind of lost hope... 

[Paan]

He always says when we suggest a therapist that he doesnt need any. He just says that he needs a job or that he is applying for some school that he wants to go to. he went to school for a "base year" and finished that but later on didnt got in to the other school he wanted to. When we say to him that it is not a normal behavior what he is doing, he just keeps quiet, like "mmm" and nothing more. Its so hard to make him listen, to even consider it!

[AxelK]

Perhaps you can ask him why he is so afraid of going to therapy. If he really is so fine he shouldnt be afraid of going to one, because the therapist will see that he doesnt need any help.

Edited November 29, 2016 by AxelK

[Paan]

Yes, the solution is to keep trying to talk to him about therapy. Someday maybe he understands. Worst would be to just let it be and let it go.

[Elisabeth]

3 hours ago, Paan said:

He always says when we suggest a therapist that he doesnt need any. He just says that he needs a job or that he is applying for some school that he wants to go to. he went to school for a "base year" and finished that but later on didnt got in to the other school he wanted to. When we say to him that it is not a normal behavior what he is doing, he just keeps quiet, like "mmm" and nothing more. Its so hard to make him listen, to even consider it!

Paan, I'm sorry you are worried, but do you think he is suffering? Because to me it seem he's got basically figured out a lot of things. He knows he needs a job. He wants to go to school, he's even learning by himself (those 3D apps). He doesn't want to get involved with people. 

It seems you and your family, in good intention of course, are asking him to change. To be "normal", even on traits he doesn't want to normalize. This will, to the person concerned feel like being misunderstood, or worse like accusation of wrong doing or bagatelization of his free will. It is bound to damage your relationship further. 

You can offer to help him. You can be loving and accepting. You can't coerce him, by blaming him for how bad you feel, to meet your expectations. I suggest you do a reality check on those. For example, I get he has some indicators of mental illness, but living with your parents in todays world isn't one. 

On 28. 11. 2016 at 9:53 AM, Paan said:

I feel this is a waist of his life and even my parents lives because they suffer because of it. The same with me when I think about it or hear from my mother whats going on.

Ultimatelly, it's not your job to make him not waste his life, nor is it your parent's job. Ultimatelly, it's not your brothers fault if your parents waist their lives. If he won't change, the only thing you and your parents can do is find peace in the situation and set up healthy boundaries for yourself. If he basically is able to get a job but doesn't want to, a reasonable boundary for your parents may be to cut the money they're giving him, or demand rent. I know you want to help him and feel responsable, because he's a son and a brother and he's ill, but at some point you have to let go of the rope . 

Edited November 29, 2016 by Elisabeth
spelling

[Paan]

@Elisabeth Thank you, you are completly right. Its just that I feel bad for my parents that they need to put up with him and his special traits. He knows he need a job but he is not looking at all, he is just sitting at home. I know he is afraid but he doesnt say that and maybe it even is so that he doesnt know that himself. Sometimes I see him as a parasite to my parants, not working, not paying, he is angry at my mother. 

I just dont want him to be stuck and getting older and older. To not have anything more than his childhood room. He thinks its all gonna be figured out without action. In a way he is right, you shouldnt worry and etc. but in his case he needs to see the reality he is facing and go for it.

[Paan]

we belive he might be stuck at home were he is right now

[Elisabeth]

@Paan Well, I've been in a slightly similar situation, so the topic feels personal to me. I didn't finish writing my theses on time and my parents insisted that I get a job. That would be fine (except for the tiny little fact that they didn't get, that I wouldn't be able finish even in the next possible date with a full time job), but they also went crazily anxious. That really didn't help. I've been working through my own fears and had that pinned down, I've been learning to go more at peace with life, but having to confront their anxiety (transferred partly into blame) in addition to mine sent me for a downwards spiral again. However, at the end my father helped me with my theses immensely, and I am greatful for that. 

So the other thing I'm thinking of, maybe your brother needs a completelly different kind of help then you think he needs. Maybe he's so afraid that he can't even get started with completing his resumé, and you could offer help with that. Maybe he'd like staying at home one more year and developing his skills on his own to start a business later. Maybe he's got a plan he cannot admit because your parents would disapprove, like working on his inner demons himself. Or maybe not, but he would really appreciate help with finding a part-time job he can do from home, because that's all he can handle just now. And most likely, all the theories me or you can think of are just completelly off.

Have you tried asking him, what help he would appreciate most? 

[Paan]

Yes me and him have talked alot about the future, that he needs to take action on what he wants. I have encouraged him to do excactly what he want to do, not just to take a job but to work for what you want to do. And he does that, he goes for the goal that he wants. Our parents encourage him to because they know he is good at what he is doing. He wanted that computer 3d development school and he went for it, he will apply next year for it again perhaps. But right now he needs to take some responsibility, either he gets a job or he goes to therapy fighting his " demons". But he does neither, he says he hasnt any problems at all. He thinks he can just end up at a high end job right away by doing nothing...

Ive helped him write resume and how to get a job. He listens but then nothing happens, he can even get anoyed because I cant run in to his room how and when I want to, he needs his structure.

I know there is something there that he is afraid of because his feelings are completly shut down, he doesnt smile, laugh, cries, its just empty. But its like he doesnt even know that, I dont actually know if he suffers at all in fact. 

[Elisabeth]

He may need emotional awareness. You can't help him with it. 

A psychiatrist may be a good idea, but if he doesn't want to go... let go of the rope  Hopefully other folks have other ideas

[Richard Alpert]

He needs professional help.

Psychiatrist would be a good option. Hypnotist maybe also, try to find a good one.

If he is completely closed at the moment, applying for work etc. can be too much.

My brother was somewhere between 10-12 year old when he went to psychotherapist, i dont know to this day what the problems where excatly.

But he was for a little while living in his own world. Like you asked him something and he would twitch his head, think for a few seconds and look upwards and answer. Like he wasnt talking to you. I mean he probably gave reasonable answers etc. but there was no eyecontact etc. Im glad those went over, because it´s horrible to watch a child suffer.

Anyway, he is doing good know. He is super super smart, he has went to best schools with top grades. I dont know what his iq is, but it has to be high as fuck. He just knows so much shit, and he has read like at max 1/10th of the amount of books what ive read if we dont count school books. I dont know where he gets his information.

[Paan]

@Elisabeth @Richard Alpert I have to try to talk to him more i think and come up with what help could be best and what he thinks is comfortable to handle. Thank you for the replies!

[DimmedBulb]

Autism. Definitely autism. The repetitive behavior is a give away. I'd be surprised if it isn't. Read up on sensory overload, theory of mind, executive functioning, special interests, Alexithymia, as well as the wiki on autism or the latest DSM to get a general overview.

Your brother screaming at your mother, to give you an example, is him not being able to deal with the amount of stimulus he's receiving. That filter people have to not hear and see everything they don't have to pay attention to probably doesn't work well for him, so he literally hears and sees everything. Does he flap his hands, roll his head or rock his body when or before these eruptions happen? Also, if you think he might not have empathy because of the way he acts, it's more likely that he doesn't understand empathy, but does have it (theory of mind + alexithymia).

The reason he needs a lot of order is because his brain isn't programmed to deal with changes. It's like having a PC with a 1 core CPU and very little RAM. If things are predictable, they don't take up as much energy.

Him not showing emotion doesn't mean he doesn't have emotion by the way. He might just not be able to make the connection from feeling an emotion to a facial expression. That can also mean smiling at inappropriate times.

If he does have autism, then college is gonna be a massive struggle, because planning is extremely difficult in the sense that you need foresight and flexibility.

I know this stuff all too well, because I'm knee deep into it myself. Uni was a terrible experience for me. Way too much freedom, 0 structure.

Edited November 30, 2016 by DimmedBulb

[Paan]

@DimmedBulb Thanks for the reply!

No he doesnt flap his hands, roll his head and such. 

Yes he has feelings for sure, just that he doesnt show them. He is very short when he is talking to us.

When he was in school there were some friends he hanged out with but when he finished it sort of dissolved.

He needs a plan in front what is gonna happen, He doesnt come to social conventions. Like I wrote before he cant go to a movie because he says he might panic or so.

I feel its more of that he is scared. I didnt mention this but I have a thought that it might have been something with when our grandmother died. She was like a mother to us, it really started around that time I belive. 

[DimmedBulb]

@Paan

22 minutes ago, Paan said:

he doesnt flap his hands, roll his head and such.

It's not required, but it's one of the ways to deal with a lot of stimuli.

23 minutes ago, Paan said:

Yes he has feelings for sure, just that he doesnt show them. He is very short when he is talking to us.

I can only speak for myself here, but I like being to the point. Most people like to talk about nothing (concrete).

12 minutes ago, Paan said:

When he was in school there were some friends he hanged out with but when he finished it sort of dissolved.

Maintaining friends is extremely difficult. My parents basically have to force me to have people over. It's been like that for as long as I can remember.

12 minutes ago, Paan said:

He needs a plan in front what is gonna happen

The excessive need to know what's going to happen is a very classic sign. Rigidity in general is a classic sign now that I think about it. That includes thinking patterns, like "I don't need to see a therapist". Is he difficult to debate or negotiate with?

13 minutes ago, Paan said:

He doesnt come to social conventions

Human interaction requires a lot of mental energy: you gotta know what other people think, find something to talk about, reply to a person, which is a massive variable, maintain eye contact (which sucks). Does he know how to talk to people casually, without defaulting to the niche stuff he likes a lot?

17 minutes ago, Paan said:

it might have been something with when our grandmother died. She was like a mother to us, it really started around that time I belive. 

I think what might have happened is that he had an extremely strong emotional bond with your grandmother. Most folks have a lot of connections that are sort of in the grey area when it comes to how strong it is: good, not bad, strong, weak. I think your brother has very few connections to people and the ones he has are extremely strong. It's very black and white, which is another sign autism is what's going on. Combine that with exposure to the biggest variable of life, which is death, and you've got a massive emotional wound.