Need guidance - 2.5g Golden Teachers- Trip Report

[ZenSwift]

If you want a much quicker read, just skip to the post trip report. (Ctrl+F "######")

 

January 31st 2021

Mushroom Trip Report 006

2.5g Golden Teacher

But with my sensitivity it's more like 4g. 

 

Intentions: 

• Focus on releasing hurt from people that never are really were my friends, but somehow I still got attached.
• Find the ember of passion within me to be kindled.

 

Grinded up in a coffee grinder, getting fancy with it now.

Soaked the powder in lemon juice for 5 min. Then poured hot water over it and let it steep for 20 min. 

 

 

Taken at 12:22pm

 

20 minutes in

Feeling things. 

Feeling that feeling you get when you meditate /concentrate for a long time. 

>body high kicking into my head feeling. 

25mins

Feeling a total takeover. 

Grinding it up is definetly way more intense.

 

Totally kicking in twice as fast being Grinded up in a powder. 

 

Body high kicking in fast as fuck. 

 

45 min

Starting to lose my shit.

Getting the butterflies In my stomach that gives me anxiety, but like this shroom is gonna purge that anxiety. 

 

Shrooms Bring your anxiety to the surface. 

 

59 min

Losing my mind. 

Let go of your life. When you do that its just peace. 

Nothing Fucking matters. It's all a dream. 

Figuring out what reality is is the fucking Coolest thing in the world. 

You have infinite Freedom, which is why it's so difficult to get focused.

It's time to grow up and take control. 

I'm just a Philosopher.

I'm left confused. 

I really do want to be an absolute unit. 

It's a life skill to learn how to focus When you got Worrying about survival to do. 

I no longer identify with [Username I used to use]. 

Nobody knows what they really want. 

>Or at least VERY FEW

It takes a lot of courage to really make something out of this world and just build a structure and just be passionate about that structure. 

I'm really passionate about understanding the mind.

Learn about reality until you fall in love with it .

Cultivate enough understanding of reality to the point where every waking second is just amazing. 

A super dopamine detox would REALLY help with making my overall life experience more enjoyable. 

Delete [username] anywhere and replace it with Anonymous stuff.

>Here I am letting go of a friend group online that was a huge anchor for me.

Shut it all down . Leave [friend group], Leave The other [group] servers. Completely go Anonymous.

 

Two main insights

•  I am ready to rip reality apart
•  I am ready to make my public persona the only persona being the mystic. 

 

In choosing to learn about something, you learn about yourself. 

Take up a project and you'll cultivate more settled understanding. 

Ultimate understanding. 

Ultimate understating of reality which brings peace. 

 

Insight

Just do what I need to. Don't even need to tell others my plan. 

Goals

• Learn Kriya Yoga. 
• Learn autobiographies

I want to get people closer to God. 

Let go of your life plan when conversing with other people.  

Just listening to other people is more interesting to experience. Rather than trying to assert my own ego and teachings. 

Focus on delivering my message when I'm alone with my craft.

All conversation is trying to tell others about other parts of reality. Usually people aren't accurate, Nor do they care. 

Fall in love with the process of figuring out life. 

I want dad to sit down with me every day to crack the whip. Really want that masculine authority challenging me. 

I want dad to be my dad. 

>I won't ever get this.

I want to Stop asserting my ideas On to other people And only share my ideas when I am engaged in the context of my craft. 

 

Do not cast pearls before swine.

Spend time with people that build you up, not knock you down. 

 

If you don't have a solid morning routine

Do you even give a shit about your life?

 

If you don't have a solid night routine

Do you even give a shit about your life? 

 

If they knew the truth they wouldn't say these things to me and act that way towards me. 

I am like a monkey in a cage. I walk into the room, I walk into the cage. There is nothing there for me. I'm just a clown for them to look at. A monkey in a cage to entertain them. 

 

Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down!

https://youtu.be/Pyg949rCgds

I need to blind myself from the negativity or others. 

In high school, it was difficult to make friends. So I built an identity of a shit poster and a meme Lord in order to feel loved and accepted. 

I am ready to release all of who I was at 16. All of who I was At age 16, I am ready to let go completely. You have a perceived reality at age 16, now it is completely different. And I'm ready to get rid of that dead wood. 

Time will go on and friends will come and go. The hurt that I feel from these old friends he is like a deep thick metal harpoon In my body, but over time it is slowly being pulled out. 

I need to Move forward in my life. 

I'm really enjoying this trip. 

Feels like an infinite dream. 

• I really need to learn Kriya Yoga

It's great for monkey mind! 

I imagine being a kriya yoga teacher, feeling the warmth of many around me. 

I want to feel fucking amazing every day. 

"I want to be on a fucking MISSION in my life."

" I just want to learn a bunch of shit, and teach it. "

 

"My life plan: I'm learning, I'm teaching, and then I die. "

>My best quote while I was tripping.

 

###############

Post Trip Report

The trip was fucking amazing, what happened for several days after the trip was a slice of hell. 

With only 14 hours into the trip, after having gone to bed and sleeping for a couple hours, I'm greeted with a particularity evil slice of hell anxiety attack. 

Anxiety attacks like no other. Some weird mindfuck shit with infinite combinations and numbers, and my fingers and hands feeling uncanny weird. Used to have these mindfuck anxiety attacks once in a blue moon while growing up, now after last trip it haunted me once more a couple days later. And after this trip it haunted me for several days. And had attacks and crippling/immobilizing anxiety because of it.

8 days Later a deep penitrating feeling of nihilism at night. The gravity of the fact that this experience is all going to be ripped away one day has penitrated deep and instills my body with fear and anxiety. 

My mortality is very real. 

Anything above 2g becomes impractical when trying to do any consciousness work in the fashion of contemplation.

At this point if I were ever to do a higher dose with mushrooms, I'd set an intention, but mostly just strap in for the ride. Because this trip literally had me just sink into the couch with an amazing body high while staring at a mandala tapestry on the wall that turns into a fuckin multi dimensional fractal portal in front of my eyes. Then later it proceeds me just hanging my body over the couch, half paralysed, drooling on the floor because I'm just engulfed in the glorious mindfuck.

 

Do stuff and surround yourself with people that make you feel good. 

Cultivate an understanding of God to the point where you see God in everything. 

 

Be patient, as its not just about reaching God, it's about the journey. 

 

 

A question I really want to answer and give to people:

What does a human really want? 

We want to feel good, we want to feel closer to God. 

Anything we do in life is to try and embody God. 

Teotlize your vessel.

People pursue things that fundamentally make them unhappy. 

We need to gain more consciousness and get closer to God. 

The consciousness work is my learning. 

The consciousness work is my craft. 

 

Post Trip Report

The trip was fucking amazing, what happened for several days after the trip was a slice of hell. 

 

With only 14 hours into the trip, after having gone to bed and sleeping for a couple hours, I'm greeted with a particularity evil slice of hell anxiety attack. 

 

Anxiety attacks like no other. Some weird mindfuck shit with infinite combinations and numbers, and my fingers and hands feeling uncanny  and weird. Used to have these mindfuck anxiety attacks once in a blue moon while growing up, now after last trip it haunted me once more a couple days later. And after this trip it haunted me for several days. And had anxiety attacks and crippling/immobilizing anxiety because of it.

8 days later I get a deep penetrating feeling of nihilism at night. The gravity of the fact that this experience is all going to be ripped away one day has penetrated deep and instills my body with fear and anxiety. 

My mortality is very real. This I don't particularity mind too much, as I can handle this well, as I have been since I was a very young child, and because of that, transcending my death has become a life goal of mine.

 

I've learned that anything above 2g becomes impractical when trying to do any consciousness work in the fashion of contemplation.

 

At this point if I were ever to do a higher dose with mushrooms, I'd set an intention, but mostly just strap in for the ride. Because this trip literally had me just sink into the couch with an amazing body high while staring at a mandala tapestry on the wall that turns into a multi dimensional fractal portal in front of my eyes. Then later it proceeds me just hanging my body over the couch, half paralysed, drooling on the floor because I'm just engulfed in the glorious mindfuck.

 

 

Here is the documentation of my anxiety, for the first month, the anxiety was barely manageable from moment to moment.

 

These anxiety attacks I also called "Infinity blips", "Infinite combinations", etc. Basically imagine trying figuring out the combinations between 1000 objects in your head and it's kinda like that.

 

Few days After trip 005

Which was January 3rd 2021

I was really sleep deprived. Went to to moms room, didn't even know what was going on, and then had the anxiety attack.

 

February 1st, 2021 @ 2:53am 

Caught it and worked on the weights. Busted out some heavy squats to help control it.

 

About 14 Hours after I took 2.5g with trip 006, crazy anxiety attack

 

Later that day at 10pm during a 10 minutes of concentration practice with my eyes closed I started thinking "oh shit I fucked myself forever." and started to freak out. 

 

The anxiety is just lingering, even after a really good weight training session and and cardio. 

 

Feb 5th

Woke up with infinite Combination dream, not scary, just uncomfortable. (I guess it's only scary to me when I'm awake)

Weird feeling in fingers.

 

Feb 6th at 4am had EMDR a few hours prior. Wake up at in cold sweats. Basically got a full anxiety attack. 

10,000 & 33,333 >> Random numbers my mind focused on. My mind will focus on one part of reality that has entered my consciousness, and then twist it up into an infinite combination mindfuck, usually this is with numbers, but I've had it happen with really anything I've focused my mind on.

 

Feb 7th

Racing mind.

Don't feel properly in my body. I need to sink into my body more. 

 

Feb 8th

For the last few days, including today I've had paralyzing anxiety, preventing me from doing nothing but watching YouTube and browsing Reddit to distract myself. 

 

Feb 10th

Managed to clear everything with a powerful shamanic Breathing session.

 

Feb 11th

Tried to do shamanic Breathing again but I learned I need to do it closer to bedtime because the anxiety does creep back in a bit

 

Feb 13th

Took half a tab of armodafinil today, very bad idea. At about midnight I was in full panic mode at night about to fall into an anxiety attack. Proceeded to do an hour of shamanic Breathing to save my life. I was vibing so hard after the breathing I felt like I was on LSD and I don't even know what LSD feels like. I was hallucinating when I had my eyes closed. Then 10 minutes after I finished I listened to a 20 minute audio called "Quantum K Healing". After it finished I must've immediately passed out on the floor for an hour. Like my system went through a reboot. I look at my clock and its 3:30AM.

Feb 14th

Been doing at least 30 min of shamanic Breathing every evening now. This evening I'm feeling pretty good. Virtually no anxiety. But I'm going to do some breathing for good measure. 

 

Feb 15

Felt the anxiety but was too tired to give a fuck and it was manageable enough to go to sleep.  Didn't do breathing today. 

 

Feb 16th 

Feeling no anxiety. Only small tiny blips when I see lots of numbers moving really fast, or when I see a ton of objects, like a bunch of peas swirling around in a soup. 

 

Feb 21st

Haven't done shamanic breathing in a while, feeling that anxiety in my chest.

 

Feb 23

Did shamanic Breathing for 40 min then immediately after I did 5 mins of concentration practice followed by 25 minutes of mindfulness meditation. 

 

I really started to dip into the crazy infinite state. It's an all encompassing feeling making me feel really small. Could've gone deeper but shit was terrifying.  What was that?

 

Feb 26th Morning

9 Blocks of Minecraft piston Moving Terror

>More babble that the mind latched onto to create an infinite anxiety loop, I was watching minecraft piston machines on YouTube, and my mind latched onto it and created an anxiety attack around it.

 

Feb 27 at night

I put together a 3 piece kinder surprize toy and I get a big hit of anxiety from the "complexity". What the actual fuck.

 

I worry if I double down on shamanic Breathing I might induce a psychosis. Also the breathing is not feeling as effective as before. 

 

Feb 28th

Feeling anxiety in my chest. 

Immobilizing. 

I'm realizing certain things are triggering it. 

I may have surfaced PTSD I didn't know I had. 

 

March 4th

Been feeling good, back to baseline for the past couple of days. 

Did 90 mins of shamanic Breathing in a sauna after drinking a tea with tons of herbs. 

 

I still have trouble consciously deciding "okay I'm going to fall asleep now" and then surrendering to the process of falling asleep. 

It shall be my life's mission to gather the courage to make this surrender. 

 

March 8th

Having anxiety blips. 

 

March 10th

Feeling that anxiety

 

March 11th

Mind moving fast right from the moment I wake up. 

Feeling that same anxiety in my chest for hours, its constantly in my awareness and its very distracting. It distracts me from confidently doing anything. 

I honestly have this feeling in my chest all day. But it grows in the late hours of the day. 

 

I'm able to induce a terrifying state of to what I can only describe as  groundlessness, having a dissociation from the grounding that is me being grounded in my body. This state can be induced with 10 minutes or more of very focused concentration practice. There lies a a huge wall of fear blocking me from leaning in deeper. Fear Or whatever. It's not pleasant, at all. Like mindfuck unpleasant mixed with an unknown physical sensation. 

 

At least I'm not experiencing that combination crap right now. Just annoying anxiety in my chest. 

 

I need to start practicing kriya yoga soon. And I also may look into neurofeedback training. I've noticed that my anxiety drops when I spend lots of time in nature. 

 

 

Overall this has been very annoying, having constant nagging anxiety in your chest constantly nagging at your awareness, taking attention away from everything else in your life that is important. The only thing you want to do is just distract yourself to escape. 

 

The really shitty part about it is that it's like always half present, if your awareness isn't properly cultivated, this anxiety could get missed and you'd wonder why there is this invisible wall in between you and your work. 

I feel this wall. All fucking day. Makes me have zero mood to do anything worthwhile. It's a fucking struggle man. 

 

March 13th

Feel anxiety at night time which slows me down from getting to bed quickly. Lots of avoidant behaviour. 

I can probably count on my hand how many days I've spent going to bed without a phone/electronic by my side. One day I shall remove this pacifier completely.

 

A few "complexity anxiety blips" here and there.

 

March 17th

Feeling that subtle "anxiety complexity space". It's almost like some neurons were attached in places that are not supposed to. 

 

It may also be attached to my circadian rhythm. For is triggered by the awareness of what time it is. 

Because it reliably triggers late at night. But also early in the morning when I don't get enough sleep. 

 

March 18th

Woke up in the middle of the night with an irrational mindfuck state. 

April 6th

Noticing it today when I was doing meditation and was trying to become conscious of emptiness, I was overwhelmed with the amount of air that surrounded me. I was meditating in the mountains. 

 

A month later, I've picked up a physical job for the summer, during the summer I didn't feel the anxiety because my body was constantly moving, I was also travelling a lot. I was even able to pop half an armodafinil and not be bothered by it at all. A side note is that I was working so much that I dropped my 20 min daily meditation habit entirely. 

 

Present Day

But now that the job is over and I'm doing nothing, like wasting my life type of nothing (Don't worry I'll pull myself together and get myself back I'm sure of it), And that anxiety comes back some times in very subtle ways, but for the most part I would say it is completely gone. Even an infinity blips came back when I was overtired and watched this: https://youtu.be/0FH9cgRhQ-k However it wasn't super overwhelming this time, but it was all-encompassing like other times. And it was only for like 5 minutes.

 

So now I'm a bit puzzled as what to do in regards to psyches. It seems like I should ground myself more in kriya yoga. But I've also taken a few months off and I'm getting confident enough to try a dose and take it from there. I also need to get back into meditation as I've been lackin so hard since my summer job. And before I dropped it I did it like 600 days in a row, 20mins/day no problem. But honestly, going off meditation has been a learning experience, teaching me how much I actually value it. I also learned to value actually putting effort into my meditation, which is a big reason why I'm holding off making it into a habit again, because I want to go in with a whole lot more serious attitude, making sure I'm meditating at a high quality, which has me look in the direction of neurofeedback training, so my meditation can be a whole lot more effective. I feel like researching neurofeedback is more difficult than researching psyches. Unbelievable! haha

But yeah especially with ADHD, I'm leaning towards neurofeedback training and Kriya Yoga, as I've already made steps to help with that by cleaning up my diet to raw plants, and getting physical movement in.

 

My goal with psyches really is to build up the confidence to do 5meo, to then of course supercharge my consciousness work to full self-realization. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by ZenSwift

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, ZenSwift said:

"My life plan: I'm learning, I'm teaching, and then I die. "

Sorry, but your plan won't work once you learn that death is imaginary

P.S. Good work, keep at it.

[ZenSwift]

Additional Meta-Commentary on this Trip Report: 

 

Parent Document of My Trip Reports