Get over performance anxiety

[paradiseengineering]

Hi Actualizers!

So there is this girl I really like and she really like me too. We have been dating for 3 months and she just came back from a 2 week vacation. She came straight to my place after her vacation and we went really fast to the foreplay. She was really eager and I was too. I got a boner but once I took my pants off it went away. We was cuddeling naked for an hour but the boner was non-existent the whole time. We tried again this morning but I still couldnt get it up. It hasnt been a problem with her before and she is really stunning.

I feel really sad now actually and I am a bit nervous to have sex with her again because I am afraid it will happen again. I really like this girl and want to give her as much pleasure and love as I can, and I wonder how I can overcome my fear and disapointment of erectile disfunction. 

Thanks for reading

[aurum]

@paradiseengineering

How’s your diet/exercise?

If you’re watching porn or jerking off, stop. You could be wiring some bad boner habits.

Otherwise I’d say you just need to relax. You don’t need to do anything to get a boner, boners just boner.

[NoSelfSelf]

@aurum Just be confident bro ?

[aurum]

24 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@aurum Just be confident bro ?

...but actually lol

[RendHeaven]

59 minutes ago, aurum said:

If you’re watching porn or jerking off, stop. You could be wiring some bad boner habits.

^HUGE

Well, actually jerking off is lit but doing it to porn consistently over a period of years will destroy your natural arousal mechanisms

Edited August 5, 2021 by RendHeaven

[aurum]

15 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

^HUGE

15 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

Well, actually jerking off is lit but doing it to porn consistently over a period of years will destroy your natural arousal mechanisms

It is lit, but it quickly becomes unlit if you start having problems getting it up.

In my experience, it’s not just that you’re desensitizing yourself, it’s that you’re actually rewiring how your body expects to have sex.

If every time you look at porn you jerk off for 10 minutes, your body will expect to finish in 10 minutes when you actually have sex. That’s the pattern your body knows. Arousal -> 10 minutes of stimulation -> ejaculation.

Conversely, you can use this to your advantage and wire the sexual habits you want.

[Federico del pueblo]

Learn about a technique called emotional freedom techniques (EFT/tapping).

Once you've worried for long enough you enter this downwards spiral that is typical for fears of failure (like performance anxiety). Your fear due to the "negative" experience and especially the worry afterwards makes new "failure" more likely.

You will then try to resist the fear or worry even more which further conditions this fear in your nervous system. I'm not saying you inevitably have to enter such a downwards spiral, it can be avoided by not making it such a big deal (see below) and staying relaxed. It's not like your life is on stake.

Anyway...

EFT is the best technique I've ever come across to release this type of emotion (where the unwanted emotion leads to more of the problem which will lead to more of the unwanted emotions).

Also reframe the experience and have a plan b.

Not getting it up is something that will happen to most men at some point in their lifes. It is not something we're usually proud of, but it's definitely not as much of a shame as you think.

Learn how to please a girl with your fingers and mouth (critical).

If you happen to not get it up again, don't ever take any shit from girls, don't feel guilty. Just explain to her what you think the reason is (like nervousness or so) and offer to please her in other ways.

Realize though that some girls can feel insecure and think that you may not find them attractive enough and that this is the reason...just explain that this is not the case...

Never create any sort of bullshit meaning about yourself in regards to not having gotten it up like "I guess I'm a loser then". It is a human thing. It has happened to male porn stars.

If you happen to already have some kind of "loser"-thoughts you could use the above mentioned technique on these to.

Also realize: Sexual arousal and even relaxation can't be forced (at least not under every circumstance), it can only be encouraged. The harder you try to get hard, the less hard you will get. Do the opposite, do NOTHING, arousal occurs naturally, there's nothing for you to do...

Quit porn entirely!!! This is important to lower your "arousal threshold". The more porn you watch, the more you will need porn-like stimulation in real sexual experiences, and probably it also makes you feel insecure performance wise, because of how stud-like the porn actors are. It's not a very helpful comparison for you...

Shift your focus away from "having to perform" to "enjoying the sex as much as I can" which would in turn automatically improve your performance and realize that even just calling it performance is already misleading and probably putting unnecessary pressure on you.

Ok, that's it, I hope this helps.

Greetings,

Fred

 

[paradiseengineering]

32 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

Learn about a technique called emotional freedom techniques (EFT/tapping).

Once you've worried for long enough you enter this downwards spiral that is typical for fears of failure (like performance anxiety). Your fear due to the "negative" experience and especially the worry afterwards makes new "failure" more likely.

You will then try to resist the fear or worry even more which further conditions this fear in your nervous system. I'm not saying you inevitably have to enter such a downwards spiral, it can be avoided by not making it such a big deal (see below) and staying relaxed. It's not like your life is on stake.

Anyway...

EFT is the best technique I've ever come across to release this type of emotion (where the unwanted emotion leads to more of the problem which will lead to more of the unwanted emotions).

Also reframe the experience and have a plan b.

Not getting it up is something that will happen to most men at some point in their lifes. It is not something we're usually proud of, but it's definitely not as much of a shame as you think.

Learn how to please a girl with your fingers and mouth (critical).

If you happen to not get it up again, don't ever take any shit from girls, don't feel guilty. Just explain to her what you think the reason is (like nervousness or so) and offer to please her in other ways.

Realize though that some girls can feel insecure and think that you may not find them attractive enough and that this is the reason...just explain that this is not the case...

Never create any sort of bullshit meaning about yourself in regards to not having gotten it up like "I guess I'm a loser then". It is a human thing. It has happened to male porn stars.

If you happen to already have some kind of "loser"-thoughts you could use the above mentioned technique on these to.

Also realize: Sexual arousal and even relaxation can't be forced (at least not under every circumstance), it can only be encouraged. The harder you try to get hard, the less hard you will get. Do the opposite, do NOTHING, arousal occurs naturally, there's nothing for you to do...

Quit porn entirely!!! This is important to lower your "arousal threshold". The more porn you watch, the more you will need porn-like stimulation in real sexual experiences, and probably it also makes you feel insecure performance wise, because of how stud-like the porn actors are. It's not a very helpful comparison for you...

Shift your focus away from "having to perform" to "enjoying the sex as much as I can" which would in turn automatically improve your performance and realize that even just calling it performance is already misleading and probably putting unnecessary pressure on you.

Ok, that's it, I hope this helps.

Greetings,

Fred

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! It helped me a lot.

[hamedsf]

all men on earth have experienced that so don't feel sad about it.

numbers of factors are involved but it also might be caused due to the body of your partner too.

which organ of woman do you think makes you erected? think about it...

for me, I had a strong erection with my busty girlfriend so my focus point was her breasts, as soon as I thought about or looked at them, boom!!!

 

[Federico del pueblo]

On 6.8.2021 at 2:02 AM, paradiseengineering said:

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! It helped me a lot.

You're welcome!

It's nice to know that my advice was helpful.

And let me know if you need more help, my knowledge on especially this topic is still much greater as I had these same sexual insecurities for quite some time.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Federico del pueblo