Paralized by standing up for myself in certain situations

[ElenaO]

I realize that I haven't practiced standing up for myself enough. Now I reached the point that I experience a lot of pain because of it. Or I just became more conscious of it. 
My main trouble is speaking up when there are passing dogs, whose owners let them sniff me, approach me. I have previous trauma because of dogs. Most people here in US are in love with them, so this makes me even more hesitant to speak up if their freaking dogs approach me. I have tried to assert myself previously and have had good and bad experiences.

However, right now I am at the point, where this is just too painful. And I try to avoid any situations with dogs. And it makes me resent all these people, their dogs and in fact most of the strangers on the streets. 
I think it's partly paralysis by analysis, because I've talked to so many couches about this. Yet this hasn't been solved.

[hyruga]

Just tell the people about your fear of dogs.  

[Carl-Richard]

Solution: get a dog.

[Raphael]

Looks like I'm on the complete opposite side lol.

I have four dogs and I take all of them for a walk every day. Where I live people are very afraid of dogs, even when they have leashed some people freak out. I had people throwing rocks at my dogs and taking sticks, it really annoyed me sometimes. I was walking today when I saw a man freaking out even though he was pretty far away. He took a stick and went hiding behind a wall, I found that ridiculous.

I can understand your difficulties if you had traumas related to dogs. What I noticed is that people who are afraid of dogs attract dogs and have much more chances of getting bitten again. Personally, I had many times unleashed dogs coming close to me and barking at me, in response, I would just calmly continue walking and nothing would happen. In worst cases, a strong foot kick on the ground would make them run away.

Concerning asserting yourself, you can just say a strong "NO!" when someone's dog comes too close to you. A woman did that when one of my dogs jumped close to her and I think that is an appropriate response if you are afraid.

Finally, I think that if you know someone who has a dog it could be a great idea to spend time with this person and the dog to help sort your traumas. Dogs aren't bad, yet they can get afraid (just like you) and hurt.

[ElenaO]

21 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Solution: get a dog.

Nope. Not a solution.

[ElenaO]

15 hours ago, Raphael said:

Looks like I'm on the complete opposite side lol.

I have four dogs and I take all of them for a walk every day. Where I live people are very afraid of dogs, even when they have leashed some people freak out. I had people throwing rocks at my dogs and taking sticks, it really annoyed me sometimes. I was walking today when I saw a man freaking out even though he was pretty far away. He took a stick and went hiding behind a wall, I found that ridiculous.

I can understand your difficulties if you had traumas related to dogs. What I noticed is that people who are afraid of dogs attract dogs and have much more chances of getting bitten again. Personally, I had many times unleashed dogs coming close to me and barking at me, in response, I would just calmly continue walking and nothing would happen. In worst cases, a strong foot kick on the ground would make them run away.

Concerning asserting yourself, you can just say a strong "NO!" when someone's dog comes too close to you. A woman did that when one of my dogs jumped close to her and I think that is an appropriate response if you are afraid.

Finally, I think that if you know someone who has a dog it could be a great idea to spend time with this person and the dog to help sort your traumas. Dogs aren't bad, yet they can get afraid (just like you) and hurt.

23 hours ago, hyruga said:

Just tell the people about your fear of dogs.  

You don't understand: I am sick of being harassed by dogs. It's not even the dogs, it's more the people who own the dogs that bother me. 
I haven't ever been bitten. I was harassed by dogs and most importantly indirectly by people who own them who didn't care to acknowledge that they are hurting someone. 
 

I have thought of saying no when the dog approaches. It's also not easy. But it's more doable than trying to explain to the owner beforehand about it.

"Finally, I think that if you know someone who has a dog it could be a great idea to spend time with this person and the dog to help sort your traumas. Dogs aren't bad, yet they can get afraid (just like you) and hurt."
That's not a solution. I don't want to become friends with dogs. Not everyone needs to love/like them. I don't want to force myself to like them. It's violence against me. 
I am not saying dogs are bad. What I am saying is that their owners are unconscious and aren't taking care of protecting others from their harassment. And I am not saying of all the owners. A lot of them are considerate and keep the dogs close to their bodies. 
So the bottom line: the problem is not so much in the dogs, the problem is in relationships with their owners/strangers on the streets I meet. 

[Raphael]

Maybe it's more of a collective issue in the area where you live in this case. Looks like something needs to be done to raise awareness within dogs owners so that they get sensitized to the difficulties that some people have with dogs.

As a personal experience, I used to keep two of my dogs unleashed when they were small because I didn't thought they would hurt anybody and because I was sad of seeing them leashed all the time. However, they grew up and started to run after people. I understood that I needed to keep them leashed when a man finally complained to me (and also when someone beat one of my bigger dog and gave me some death threats). They are always leashed now. If talking to the owner doesn't work, then it's more likely to be a collective ego issue.

Also, I had moments where I was tempted to tease some people with the dogs when I saw that they were afraid just to see their reactions. I know, I know, I'm evil, I'm sorry, however, I never did it seriously.

Why are you afraid of dogs btw?

[Carl-Richard]

6 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Nope. Not a solution.

You can either externalize the problem ("it's their fault") or take responsibility for it ("I will work on myself"). The former is obviously not a solution. It's only a coping mechanism. You can't change the world. Change yourself.

[mandyjw]

We tend to attract and magnify the situations we really do not want in life. The solution is to focus on what you really DO want. (Does this have anything to do with fear or dogs? No. The magic is taking your focus off the subject.) Writing these things down and starting to focus more on them ends up bringing up the most unexpected circumstances. Inspiration is healing and since it's the driving force behind many subjects but not a subject itself, finding inspiration no matter how or on what subject is key to all other subjects. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

A lesson in giving power away to the external world, life is all about relationship. What everyone truly desires is to be and feel like they are enough, complete, in of themselves, sovereign, safe to be true to themselves, willing to express how they feel and not even need to own this expression, in observing the trauma/release, the pattern, fear, behavior can be shifted from within and “others” will begin to shift their perception and treatment towards you

make a fool of yourself, willingly, one time, then watch your entire phobia vanish in the upcoming experiences 

observe your energy and how you communicate your needs, release the energy and speak up 

no need to avoid the test/lesson, there’s wisdom to expand with, and all will deeply appreciate this transformation in the soul expansion process 

Edited August 6, 2021 by DrewNows

[Carl-Richard]

5 hours ago, cypres said:

choosing not to be around something

Sounds like it's not much of a choice. Dogs are everywhere.

[SaltyMeatballs]

My dog is only agressive towards people that are scared of dogs. He can sense it easily. I think a good solution for you would be to expose yourself to more dogs. Fall in love with them. Maybe you know someone who has a dog, hang out with them or baby sit them every now and then. You dont need to invest into getting a dog yourself.

Once you get more comfortable take it a step further... Have some dog treats ready in your pocket, ask the owner if you could give them some. 

I dont think you can avoid dogs, they are everywhere. Learn to love them. They are adorable little creatures.

 

 

[Carl-Richard]

15 minutes ago, cypres said:

@Carl-Richard Choosing not to let dog owners have their dog come up to you, then. My point is, responsibility is not just "work on yourself". Her goal is learning to speak up and that is taking responsibility for what she wants.

The process of overcoming the fear of standing up for yourself and overcoming the fear of dogs is the same.

Edited August 6, 2021 by Carl-Richard

[mrPixel]

You are afraid because you don't have the skills. Get a book or two on assertiveness written by a reputable source.

[Goldzilla]

On 8/5/2021 at 7:03 AM, hyruga said:

Just tell the people about your fear of dogs.  

 

This will sort many problems related to this. 

Not everyone is trained in handleing animals. Let me give you an example why i don't fear dogs. Because in the country side at my granpas when little, i saw cattle, sheep, chicken, pigs, being sacrificed, so not many have seen this type of things from childhood. Also many contry folk where throwing little puppies on the river because of mass reproduction. Children used to take the suffering from puppies by sacrificing them, because they where too many. So, with this type of experience, there is no way one will have fear of dogs, bug not everybody has this experience. 

Edited August 7, 2021 by Goldzilla