I realized I'm really just a junky

[Cathal]

I've been pretty dedicated to spiritual and psychological work ever since I did psychedelics a few months ago and moving on from hedonism, but each time I get even a slight glimpse of the present moment through whatever means I just splurge out getting high as possible on video games, food, music and it's exactly what I did my whole life as a kid. It's really weird actually, it's like so intense that i'm making up for 'lost time' or something, like I really want to get high high high because my life beyond 14 or 15 has been pretty shit. 24 now.

Video games have been my whole life, since I was 3 or 4 from being amazing immersive experiences to coping mechanisms to literal complete escape from reality they just don't bring me what I want anymore, I cannot enjoy them... and that makes me really quite sad. When this reality hit me that I couldn't enjoy video games that is when suffering truly began for me. Really. I struggle with accepting these things. But I am trying.

It's almost like i'm starting to develop a fear of coming into the present because it's like it's almost more comfortable to be numb and disconnected but not unbearably depressed than to get the sweetness of the present and come back to my baseline.

I think I am very slowly seeking real purpose in life but get caught up with: the moment i'm capable of enjoying things without the baseline of anhedonia and dissociation I splurge out and just get as high as fucking possible, rather than pursuing truth and how I can transform myself and ultimately my goal or transforming others.

Any thoughts ? Maybe it's cause I have absolutely nothing to do

[Waken]

My thoughts; just relax and go with the flow, with the current of creation. No need to try so hard. When resistant thoughts come up, perhaps take a look at it and let it go. When unpleasant emotions come up, instead of avoiding it, allow yourself to be present with it.

Edited August 4, 2021 by Waken

[NoSelfSelf]

I noticed that in spirituality there is a phase where you dont enjoy anything, because its meaningless, then when you come closer to awareness you can enjoy the most mundane things in life...its not like you now wanna live in some cave and only enjoy being you can enjoy anything or just be...

[Flowerfaeiry]

@catcat69123 a few months is a very short time. This is work you will be doing the rest of your life if you stick with it. 

It's normal to get glimpses and then fall back into old habits. Thats homeostasis for ya. Small steps help. 

[Cathal]

@NoSelfSelf ye its kinda the despair of no longer having a bottom to the pit even if you try, now it's just endless falling into this suffering. idk its unbearable, i just wish i could enjoy something like fucking art or walking or feel anything

[RickyFitts]

6 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

I noticed that in spirituality there is a phase where you dont enjoy anything, because its meaningless, then when you come closer to awareness you can enjoy the most mundane things in life...its not like you now wanna live in some cave and only enjoy being you can enjoy anything or just be...

Yeah, it's very common - I know I've experienced that too, it can be hugely frustrating and despair-inducing. But your soul craves something more - something with infinitely greater depth and substance - than the familiar old habits that no longer satisfy, whilst at the same time you fear change and the uncertainty that comes with that. This is where you need to be brave enough to let go into the unknown, to let go of the whole world.

[Thought Art]

Realizing our addictions is good! Good going. 

[Nahm]

On 8/4/2021 at 7:35 AM, catcat69123 said:

Maybe it's cause I have absolutely nothing to do

To the contrary, it’s because you’re believing in the seeking of purpose, as if it’s going to come from somewhere, someone, or sometime; as if that were not procrastination, as if boredom were not insufferable. That there is absolutely nothing to do, nothing required of you, nothing expected of you, no must’s, no need’s, no should’s, is pure liberation, absolute freedom. All that is undesirable to you & the whole of humanity begins with the disparagement of yourself, and all that is desirable to you and humanity, all which is and is creation, comes from good feeling, goodness; love. 

Don’t use what feels good to you, what you enjoy, to degrade; expand upon it onto a dreamboard, and watch it manifest with your own eyes. God is being the desire, you unfetter the doubts simply for how it feels.  Let go of what you think you are, and by God you will indeed be what you truly desire to be. 

[Cathal]

@Nahm why is the boredom this insufferable? i feel like.. it shouldnt be this bad. im talking like going through intense waves of suicidal ideation when i sit in it. i break pretty easily.

and you are right i just thought about it for a while, i feel like i already know what to do and seeking the window of oppurtunity is procrastination in disguise, i'm just expectating at some point of this inner work i'll have more compassion available and therefore more consistent motivation to do the things i want to do i just don't rn. i feel expected of myself to do stuff bcus i know I CAN because there's soooo much suffering and here i am, capable, but at the same time I CANT because i have barely enough motivation to clean myself.

i just feel like sometimes theres so many things fundamentally so out of my awareness, some severely repressed emotions, sometimes draining all this life out of me. u know, it just dissolves with the psychedelics, it's absolute freedom and peace from nuerosis. coming back into my physical body, feels like theres so much trash i just wanna get rid of it. but yeah thanks

[Cathal]

and the sick thing is i  sometimes believe if i get rid of this body i can have a more capable life to do something to help others. it's a conflict with this almost like;

unstable need to help save the planet vs the unbearable lethargy and stuck purely in the physical navigating entirely by myself literally

no friends nor family anymore lol

= day to day insanity i wouldnt wish on anyone

[Thought Art]

@catcat69123 Yeah, I've been through waves of this. I found that:

1. Getting a therapist online and having someone to talk to really helps me.  I am pretty alone at this time in my life and having someone to talk to, and being able to share with her my thoughts, getting worksheets to develop, having a sense of accountability etc is great. Not even necessarily talking to her, but even just KNOWING I am taking action on my mental health helps. Having someone in real time I can be relatively radically open, and seen in the vulnerability helps me accept myself more too.

2. Focusing only on my locus on control. This whole "I need to save the planet thing" Can take a rest. I can only focus on my own life. By sinking my roots deep in over the next 5-10 years in developing my mind, body, mental models, skills, habits, beliefs, intuition, wisdom, practices, business, financial psychology and financial health etc life become a game of mastery and not this hopeless scary thing. 

3. Starting to imagine that I am like a tree. Movement is an illusion.

I am developing deep roots focusing on life mastery and, cleaning up how I feel etc and THEN real opportunities to help the planet will arise. 

And lastly..

Imagine if actually just take 30 minutes and chill, relax, lay on the floor, permission to feel okay. Right now. You actually can't feel okay even if the world didn't have climate change because of your current state. That is the issue. Don't trust you mind, trust your state. Relax, find inner compassion, love. Lay on the floor and do a body scan, breathing comfortably relax every muscle in your body. 

The everything now is always this everything now. This strange perception of experience in this void. 

Chilllllll,

You Got this.

You Got this!

Edited August 7, 2021 by Thought Art

[Nahm]

@catcat69123

What is the smallest, and I mean very literally the smallest step toward what you want?  The smallest step might not even be doing anything per se, it might just be writing down what the first step is / will be. It might just be writing down something you want. Not a ‘whole big picture’ etc, just something simple. 

If I were in your shoes I would be expressing a lot, and I would take the path of least resistance. The ideal, the easiest way to go about it, imo, would be talking to a therapist daily. So as close to that as possible. Just someone you can talk to and ‘get it all out’ of your head. I know it’s overwhelming now, but the more you express the more you experience a broader freer vantage point, and what seems really tough today begins to seem less so each day. Momentum builds from the expressing, the letting it out, and you’ll start feeling better & better. 

I feel pretty strongly the theme for you has got to be appreciating & feeling good about one tiny step at a time, and letting that momentum of good feeling, accomplishment, confidence in getting somewhere, in things changing… start to build. 

The boredom is insufferable because it is a carrying of the weight of the past… while having desires for your future, for your life. We take that weight off by expressing how we feel. 

Tools… the emotional scale & expressive journaling. 

The emotional scale is a most helpful tool and anyone can utilize it. The key note with the scale is it begins an untangling from thoughts about yourself, your past, and your future… to a new orientation which is about the emotion you are experiencing. Another way to say that, is it helps shift from overthinking, to being present with the feeling. At first it can seem very counterintuitive, like… ‘this emotion of boredom feels terrible, why would I want to feel more ?’ But what you really, really want - is to feel great. If what you really wanted was something to drink, of course, you’d go to the fridge. If what you really want is to feel great - you go to feeling. The more you express, the more you feel better. The more you feel better, the less inclined you are to think you need something to feel better. A reorientation occurs from ‘what I need to feel better’, to ‘I feel better, now, what do I want to create & experience?’.  

Start at boredom, express it in your own way. That might be ‘yeah, definitely, I’m experiencing boredom, no doubt’. In accordance with the scale, then ‘reach for’ a thought about feeling contentment. A simple exercise for this is to write down on paper anything & everything that comes to mind as to what you think needs to change, and or what you need to change… so that you can feel better. Then after, look at the paper, and look around the room, and notice, you don’t have any of that stuff right now, and you’re fine. Contentment is not exciting, it’s not passion, but it’s a willingness to accept this moment as it is. To allow it to be good enough, without any expectations or demands that it be different. In a way it’s the ‘neutral’, but that neutral feels a lot better than anger, jealousy, worry or blame. 

Then, when you are feeling content… ‘reach for’ a thought of hopefulness. Even if you don’t believe the thought, feel the thought. Feel how it feels slightly better to focus on a thought of hopefulness, than just contentment. 

Then, when you are feeling hopefulness… ‘reach for’ a thought of positive expectation / belief / optimism. 

If a not good feeling thought bubbles up, that’s ok - that is you ‘doing the work’. Look at the scale, and pick which emotion you are experiencing now, and work up the scale from there. 

What’s found, ultimately - and it can take time, and some practice - is that you are always actually in control of how you feel… you can always ‘reach for’ a better feeling thought. 

The name of the game imo, on your behalf, is slow & steady. Feeling that little bit of better feeling, with each emotion as you work your way up the scale. 

Nobody’s expecting anything of you. Notice when you are being hard on yourself in that regard, and notice the tensing somewhere in the body. Relax that. Relax the whole body, head to toe. That habit is your savior. You must take deep relaxation seriously. Then you can / will feel more. Keep expressing, each day. Keep using the scale, each day. 

I was once there too man, I know it’s hard. Lot of resentment, anger, etc. Probably some hesitation about expressing, about talking or writing about how you feel, as if a whole dam’s gonna burst open. Maybe. But rely on that relaxing of the body deeply. When it gets habitual, or automatic… the relaxing the entire body, and breathing from the stomach consciously… everything starts changing, being experienced differently. Things might get tough here and there, but there is a great love, & a great lion within, and whenever we breathe & relax, ‘there’ it is. Every time, without fail. Be open & expressive, and accept help from all available resources, but above all trust that source within you. It will never steer you wrong. It’s always loving you. That’s why there even is any of this tension, stress, resistance, discordance. It’s all cause you’re so God damned loved brother. It’s a lotta love to bear, I know. 

[Thought Art]

7 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@catcat69123

edit

I feel pretty strongly the theme for you has got to be appreciating & feeling good about one tiny step at a time, and letting that momentum of good feeling, accomplishment, confidence in getting somewhere, in things changing… start to build. 

edit

Nobody’s expecting anything of you. Notice when you are being hard on yourself in that regard, and notice the tensing somewhere in the body. Relax that. Relax the whole body, head to toe. That habit is your savior. You must take deep relaxation seriously. Then you can / will feel more. Keep expressing, each day. Keep using the scale, each day. 

I was once there too man, I know it’s hard. Lot of resentment, anger, etc. Probably some hesitation about expressing, about talking or writing about how you feel, as if a whole dam’s gonna burst open. Maybe. But rely on that relaxing of the body deeply. When it gets habitual, or automatic… the relaxing the entire body, and breathing from the stomach consciously… everything starts changing, being experienced differently. Things might get tough here and there, but there is a great love, & a great lion within, and whenever we breathe & relax, ‘there’ it is. Every time, without fail. Be open & expressive, and accept help from all available resources, but above all trust that source within you. It will never steer you wrong. It’s always loving you. That’s why there even is any of this tension, stress, resistance, discordance. It’s all cause you’re so God damned loved brother. It’s a lotta love to bear, I know. 

I needed to hear this too.

Also getting a therapist. They are amazing, the of the most powerful yet overlooked tools I wonder

Leo is like, big picture map, so you get a bunch of tools and ideas to feed your growth

and then a therapist is like one of the tools that fits into the map. There are so many tools. Become a collector of goodies.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Thought Art

[Nahm]

@Thought Art

So well said. Hell, I even married one of em.  

[Arcangelo]

On 8/4/2021 at 5:35 AM, catcat69123 said:

since I was 3 or 4

holy

fuck!

[Cathal]

@Thought Art @Nahm thank you for ur replies

i decided to try this strong determination sitting, i basically just sat for 1 hour and my mind went wild.. like holy shit, but i kind of lent my attention towards all the emotions, at a point i felt content. i've been doing this for a couple of days, a few times a day. really kind of empties me, or at least dissipates a little trash driving me crazy. like holy shit being in survival mode is... every thought and feeling is DEFEND THE BASE, it's crazy