My family is forcing me to marry and I feel suicidal

[integral]

Your not going to marry him. 

Find someone you like and marry that guy. 

Edited August 8, 2021 by integral

[Karmadhi]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I will try to give you some ideas, although i do not know your situation well

1. Try to communicate with your family, this is the most obvious one. I do not know if this will work though.

2. Maybe consider immigrating in another country. A LOT of indians are moving to western europe and especially germany. Consider it. What is your profession?

3. Consider moving out and limit your contact with them. If you can afford the rent.

4. This is most of a last resort but if you really really need to get married then at least marry someone on your own terms. Someone you actually like yourself. Would not reccomend if you are not feeling ready to get married but better get married with someone you like than someone you despise. Again, only use it as ABSOLUTE last resort.

 

[Eternity]

@Preety_India  i did do what someone here suggested and it worked.  There was this guy back in my past who took a fancy to me, but even though he was nice enough I just couldn't get past a common birth defect he had around his mouth.  It had been corrected, but it still made me uncomfortable to kiss him.  I couldn't see how I could marry him and be attracted enough to have sex with him.  And otoh, he was  pushing and pushing to make out which I couldn't stand.  So I thought about it and decided to make myself unattractive as I could to him.  I did nothing physical, but I adopted a very annoying personality when we went out, so that he would get fed up and stop calling.  I remember the last date when I began playing with the buttons on the sound in his car.  We were driving somewhere and I turned the music way up and changed the station, he turned it back down and I turned it back up to ear shattering.  I continued to be a brat and when he brought me home, he couldn't wait to get rid of me which was exactly what I wanted.  He didn't call me back again either which suited me just fine. I gave him the option to drop me which was less damaging to his pride and I got what I wanted as well.

You could try to do something similar that fits into your culture.  Since your parents are strict, behave yourself when they are in close range, but if they leave you alone with this chosen one, become annoying, make snide comments, be disagreeable.  It might work.  It did for me.

[Preety_India]

@Eternity I think the pressure for marriage is making me nervous and anxious to the point it almost blocks my brain. 

It's a state of mind which I can't explain. 

I wish my family understood that this pressure is hurting my mental health. 

 

 

[Parththakkar12]

4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Eternity I think the pressure for marriage is making me nervous and anxious to the point it almost blocks my brain. 

It's a state of mind which I can't explain. 

I wish my family understood that this pressure is hurting my mental health. 

 

 

There is only one solution to this. Work on your attachment-relationship problems. First with your parents, then in your dating-life.

It might not seem that way but this is a dating-problem. That would be the right way to treat it if you want to solve it long-term.

[Preety_India]

@Parththakkar12 what is attachment relationship 

[Dumuzzi]

@Preety_India It is cultural programming that is stopping you from taking action.

Filial piety is a central part of Indian culture, as opposed to the West, which is all about the individual.

You will have to go against your programming and stand up for yourself, which is hard, but it is the only way you can break the spell of your conditioning and live your own life.

Assuming that your life isn't in danger, it seems to me that at this point your only option is to simply say no. You have to make it clear that you will not accept this man and you will choose your own husband if and when the time comes, whatever the consequences. They may disown you and you may have to move out at short notice, but in my experience, when one takes a brave stance and stands up for one's convictions, people and circumstances come into one's life that open new doors and present new opportunities.

[Preety_India]

15 minutes ago, Dumuzzi said:

@Preety_India It is cultural programming that is stopping you from taking action.

Filial piety is a central part of Indian culture, as opposed to the West, which is all about the individual.

You will have to go against your programming and stand up for yourself, which is hard, but it is the only way you can break the spell of your conditioning and live your own life.

Assuming that your life isn't in danger, it seems to me that at this point your only option is to simply say no. You have to make it clear that you will not accept this man and you will choose your own husband if and when the time comes, whatever the consequences. They may disown you and you may have to move out at short notice, but in my experience, when one takes a brave stance and stands up for one's convictions, people and circumstances come into one's life that open new doors and present new opportunities.

I kinda find this reassuring. Thanks. 

 

[Parththakkar12]

@Preety_India Here's my definition of attachment-relationship - A relationship in which both sides are intimately involved in each other's lives. It is your inner circle, the people who are in your private life.

Look at my post on page 1 for more details! It is huge for Indians in general when it comes to relationships and arranged-marriage.

[roopepa]

@Preety_India The fact that you are here on the forum with us is quite a clear sign that your level of development is way beyond your enviroment and people close to you.

Even if you lived in some western country, resonating with Actualized.org would mean that you are well beyond the status quo.

Maybe you could try to find some people / community close to you who understand your experience and symphatize with your need for individuality? I'm sure you're not the only woman in India who experiences the same friction with these conservative values. For example, maybe you could find some feminist movement in your hometown?

I'm so sorry for your situation. It's so hard to understand something like this as a western person (and a man). Yet, I feel you.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, roopepa said:

@Preety_India The fact that you are here on the forum with us is quite a clear sign that your level of development is way beyond your enviroment and people close to you.

Even if you lived in some western country, resonating with Actualized.org would mean that you are well beyond the status quo.

Maybe you could try to find some people / community close to you who understand your experience and symphatize with your need for individuality? I'm sure you're not the only woman in India who experiences the same friction with these conservative values. For example, maybe you could find some feminist movement in your hometown?

I'm so sorry for your situation. It's so hard to understand something like this as a western person (and a man). Yet, I feel you.

Thank you so much for your kindness. It means a lot to me. And yes I will surely check out some feminist organizations in my local area. 

That's good advice. 

[Virgo]

On 8/3/2021 at 7:38 PM, Preety_India said:

My family is awful. They are stage Blue crap.

They have been forcing me to marry a guy that I'm not in love with. I find him abusive, he is ruthless and very mean.

My family constantly tells me that he is good for me because he is ready to marry me. But I'm not ready to marry him. 

I feel very pressured and trapped. I don't want this pressure.

I feel suicidal dealing with this crap. 

 

I even feel embarrassed to say this.

 

Don't marry him, come to america marry me get your green card that your good to live on your own ? Beside jokes, just say no and stand your ground that's all you can do.

Edited August 14, 2021 by Virgo