My family is forcing me to marry and I feel suicidal

[Preety_India]

My family is awful. They are stage Blue crap.

They have been forcing me to marry a guy that I'm not in love with. I find him abusive, he is ruthless and very mean.

My family constantly tells me that he is good for me because he is ready to marry me. But I'm not ready to marry him. 

I feel very pressured and trapped. I don't want this pressure.

I feel suicidal dealing with this crap. 

 

I even feel embarrassed to say this.

 

Edited August 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[Ilan]

Wow did not know you were in this situation.. Can’t the system help you in the country? 
Where do you live ? Do you live on your own ? Aren’t you in the position to impose your boundaries ? 
wish you to get out of it 

[impulse9]

Wow, that sucks. Sorry to hear that. 

I really have no idea what to suggest in that situation. All I can offer is my sympathy.

[Preety_India]

I wish I was never born in this country.

Never born in such pathetic circumstances.

All people who come from Western countries in this forum, consider yourself very lucky.

You have no idea what it's like to be born in a Third world country. It's awful both financially and emotionally.

You have basically no freedom. 

I never want children. Because I don't want them to suffer the fate I suffered. 

It's best if no child is ever born in the third world because they have to go through so much. 

I decided to not have children even when I was 14  years old, even at that time I was acutely aware of the suffering around me. 

So consider yourself lucky if you are born in the West, the taste of freedom is beautiful, something you'll never experience in the third world, where all you see is Stage Blue authoritarianism and parental nonsense..and social control.

 

 

[Byun Sean]

Is there anything you can do to get out of marrying him?

[Vzdoh]

Sorry to hear. Is there anyway u can agree to marry in general but on your terms? 

My Indian friend in Singapore was bombarded with potential wife profiles from his parents. Showed me a few and I was horrified with some of them. In the end he picked the girl he actually developed a connection with. 

Can u do the same? Reject offers until u find a guy with whom u actually connect? 

Life in the west is not awesome as well. Yes we are free, but both genders take this freedom as entitlement that they deserve a better partner if with existing partner things don't work anymore, so people walking out of relationships and marriages so easily, and instead of asking themselves how they can be better partners? They r constantly searching for a better partner in the other. That's why divorce rates are so high. 

So don't take your blue stage situation as the one with issues, western orange stage is not much better to be honest! 

I am actually guilty of this too, that's why I am not married yet. Been rejecting guys at a slightest sign of something wrong with them, instead of trying to work things through. Learnt hard way that there are no ideal people and where we don't gel, I need to invest time to smooth out interaction. 

Good luck! 

[Parththakkar12]

@Preety_India Work on your attachment-style and attachment-relationships.

This is something no one else will tell you - as Indians, we have been conditioned to be enslaved to the system of arranged-marriage. It's like wage-slavery, let's call it 'attachment-figure slavery'. It's a similar thing. Our entire upbringing has been geared towards being a good fit as a prospect for arranged-marriage, we are raised in a society that's literally built on this system.

The right thing to do, before getting into dating or something, is to break out of that conditioning. This is the whole reason why I haven't dated yet! I have been working on this conditioning and developing a new attachment-style.

To break out of this 'attachment-figure slavery' and to really get into dating is like breaking out of wage-slavery and starting your own business! It's analogous to that.

Edited August 4, 2021 by Parththakkar12

[Gianna]

I wish you could come live with me :(( @Preety_India  
Would you consider moving?

Edited August 4, 2021 by Gianna

[Opo]

Could you act so bad he loses interest? 

I just thought of an idea. Hide a peace of poop in your hair and turn yourself into a biological weapon. 

[hyruga]

No matter what, stay strong!

[Dumuzzi]

Hi Preety, 

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

The man your parents have chosen for you sounds really unsuitable, I wonder what is the reason for them finding such a terrible match for you?

I think you should talk to them about this, from their frame of reference and ask them to keep looking and find a better match, perhaps even employ a matchmaker.

I don't think you can avoid marrying as an Indian woman, unless you run away, but in these pandemic times, that is pretty impossible. I'm not sure what other possibilities you have in this situation, a couple of weeks ago I found myself giving advice to an Indian lad in a very similar pickle.

I'm not sure what your family's attitudes are towards honour killings, do you think your family might murder you if you outright refuse the match? Can you survive on your own if your family merely disowns you? Is it a possibility for you to move to a bigger city, like Bangalore and cut off all contact with your family and relatives?

This is a really tough situation...

On the other hand, arranged marriages can sometimes work out, if done the right way. 

When I lived in Singapore, a Chinese-Mauritian friend of mine specifically asked her parents back home to find her a match. She became frustrated with the dating scene and her inability to find herself a guy that was husband material. She travelled home to Mauritius, met the guy her parents found for her, really liked him, they got married and he moved to Singapore to live with her. They're still happily married. So, arranged marriages can work, as long as all parties agree and there is no force or threats involved.

Let us know what you decide to do, personally, I would run away and cut off contact with my family, but I don't know if that's an option in your situation.

[Preety_India]

@Dumuzzi they told me today something like"go die if you don't want to listen to us."

It's hard to communicate with them. Very domineering.

I can't really cut off. So I just need to be strong and keep resisting as hard as I can

 

Most Indian families think of a girl/daughter as a burden who should be gotten rid off. It doesn't matter whoever she marries, they won't care.

I'll try to get away from them but that will take some time. But I still don't feel confident that I can manage on my own. If I move to a big city, prices are even higher.

It's hard life. And when family is uncooperative, it gets harder.

Personally I am so done with them.

Western people take their freedom for granted.

 

[Hulia]

@Preety_India Dear Preety. It´s always difficult to live with the parents, when you are adult, everywhere in the world. If I had lived with my mother in my twenties we´d probably end up by killing each other.

You should bundle all your efforts and strength to leave your parent´s house. No matter what. I don´t see any other solution. Fianancial independance should be your priority number 1. I know that it´s difficult in India compared to the West. Here you can be financialy independant even with small jobs or even without jobs (social welfare). But you have what you have. With a little bit luck and much effort you´ll escape your family´s house. And better time will come. 

It won´t be always this way, everything changes. 

Maybe you could move to a smaller city where you can afford a rent?

For the time being I wish you strength, patience, luck.

Don´t waste your energy on trying to change your family. They are on the lower development stage and run their survival programm. 

[Harlen Kelly]

@Preety_India Come to 'Murica or Canada. 

[Roy]

6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I'll try to get away from them but that will take some time. But I still don't feel confident that I can manage on my own. If I move to a big city, prices are even higher.

It's entirely in your capacity, do not believe you can't even if it feels like it. What you are actually capable of vs what your mind is telling you are completely different things.

Focus all your efforts on finances, resources, and career/job experience so you have more opportunities out in the world. That means no more games thinking about relationships or other crap. It's all distractions you can worry about later once you're out of there.

It really sucks but sometimes your path in life means leaving some people behind, or at least distancing yourself. This is YOUR life, you need to prioritize your own happiness and well being before anyone else.

Also don't get this idea that you NEED to move to a big city like London or New York. There are plenty of affordable smaller-mid size cities across North America and Europe that have plenty of jobs and don't charge criminal amounts for living space.

You cannot change or control your family, but you can change and control Preety.

[Enlighten]

Marry that guy. Divorce him after a month. Get a monthly paycheck from him. Be free.

lol

Edited August 4, 2021 by Enlighten

[Gesundheit2]

36 minutes ago, Enlighten said:

Marry that guy. Divorce him after a month. Get a monthly paycheck from him. Be free.

lol

Haha nice one! But the divorced women reputation is not a very good one, especially in a conservative society.

 

@Preety_India In case it's not an arranged marriage on his side, the solution is simple, you can ask him what he likes in a wife and then do the exact opposite until he loses attraction and moves on. Just keep your reputation in mind while you're doing that. In most cases, creating unnecessary drama and conflict ought to do it. It happens all the time here where I live.

In case it's arranged on his side too, I don't see except one of two options for you. You either move out of your city/country if possible, or you surrender to your fate so that the pain would be less painful.

Sorry you have to go through this.

[Hulia]

4 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Sorry you have to go through this.

No! She doesn´t!

You can´t always have someone you want. BUT! You definitely CAN not to have someone you don´t want!

[Etherial Cat]

@Preety_India

I understand how powerless you must feel. I feel sorry for you. 

Is there any chance you could emigrate to a country where you could make a living wage on your own?  Your problem is obviously that you are stuck in a situation where you are dependent of people enmeshing you.

[Dumuzzi]

@Preety_India Well at least you probably don't have to worry about getting murdered, from what I can gather. I know that many Muslim families will kill their girls if the disobey. I wasn't sure about your exact background.

everyone else:

Guys, I know you mean well, but she can't bloody well leave India, even if she wanted to. This would be very difficult even during normal times, next to impossible now, with a raging pandemic and closed borders everywhere. It is incredibly difficult to enter a Western Country coming from the third world, even if you have the money and just want to visit as a tourist. If they even suspect that you might be trying to immigrate, they'll deport you on the spot and will ban you from returning for life. Yes, immigration officials have that power. It happened to a number of my friends when they were trying to enter the UK or the US in decades past, before my native Hungary was an EU member.

 

Preety, do you have friends in another city that can give you shelter for a few weeks at least? I haven't lived in India for a long, long time, but what I hear from my friends there, Bangalore is the easiest "runaway" city to start a new life and there are plenty of call centre jobs where you could get started. Your English is flawless, so I think you'd have no trouble finding a job, if you can somehow manage to get help for the first couple of months. Any friends that can help you out, perhaps sympathetic relatives would be a massive asset at this point.