I wish I was dead

[Preety_India]

This time of the month again. The family pressure is mounting again. I hate this.

The pressure is to get married.

I hate this..

I want to feel free.

I don't want this pressure.

I hate all this stage Blue crap.

I don't want it.

I feel dead inside.

Sometimes I wish I was dead.

I will never have children. 

Because I don't want to see my children going through the pain I was put through.

What kind of a wicked disgusting family treats their own daughter as a disposable item ?

The harassment and torture from family is too much.

I feel sick.

I just don't want to talk.

I feel so scared that I feel like blowing my head off with a gun 

It's too much 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Last week my family returned from the US.

They had been to Aspen Colorado for the trip.

I denied going because I didn't want to 

My nightmare has begun again.

For 2 weeks when they weren't in my house, I was feeling a bit free. I interacted in the forum..I was feeling good.

 

Now that they are back, I feel clumsy again.

Frightened, scared,nervous, anxious, withdrawn ....the symptoms will start Again.

I don't want this whole cycle again.

 

I'm too distressed. I feel like killing myself.

 

[Preety_India]

They have so much time to spend in Aspen Colorado and what not.

Yet they can't spare 2 minutes to listen to me 

Nobody wants to sit with me or hear my pain.

When I say I need therapy for trauma, they deny it.

 

 

I'm sick of these people.

They ruined my life.

And now the constant pressure that I should get married.

 

So sick of all this 

 

I wish I was born in a good supportive family, this will always be my gripe till the end.

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm going back into my cold anxious withdrawn self.

I hate my life. I hate the family I was born into.

I hate everything.

 

 

 

[Willie]

You can leave your family. Who says you have to stay miserable with them?

[Preety_India]

@Willie I don't have money to move out. I'm dependent on them for the house rent. I can't afford it.

I can only afford my other bills like food, transport and electrical. 

Rest I cannot afford.

Because of a huge population, rent is extremely high due to riding demand. 

 

[ivankiss]

I don't know about you, but if I was in your shoes, I'd make it my life mission to get out of that spot, and give it my all. Then, possibly, preach and inspire change, once I get out.

[Willie]

33 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Willie I don't have money to move out. I'm dependent on them for the house rent. I can't afford it.

I can only afford my other bills like food, transport and electrical. 

Rest I cannot afford.

Because of a huge population, rent is extremely high due to riding demand. 

 

Do you have friends willing to help you?

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Willie said:

Do you have friends willing to help you?

Nope.

 

[Preety_India]

@ivankiss I'm trying to do that.

 

[ivankiss]

@Preety_India May you be blessed, and I wish you all the luck and fortune.

[Jai]

Sorry to hear this. Getting money to have some freedom is difficult... it really takes prioritizing money. Not really what I want to be doing when my steps on this earth are limited. But I'm trying to fix my finances too so I can have some freedom also. Good luck!

[Preety_India]

21 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Preety_India May you be blessed, and I wish you all the luck and fortune.

 

7 minutes ago, Jai said:

Sorry to hear this. Getting money to have some freedom is difficult... it really takes prioritizing money. Not really what I want to be doing when my steps on this earth are limited. But I'm trying to fix my finances too so I can have some freedom also. Good luck!

Thank you. You have shown me more grace and mercy than my own family. God bless..

[Eph75]

If it's not possible to go to therapy due to you not affording it and your family needing to pay for it but unwilling to do so, there aren't any free support groups somewhere in your area that could be helpful?

Your mind seem quite scattered between a lot of thing, looking at journals and topics you interact with, and not the least around sex and relationships.

Are you looking at the relationship side of things as an escape out from your the trap you find yourself in? 

Transmutation of energy could be helpful.

Would it be possible to transmute all the energy spent on everything else, and channel all your focus into one single cause that is centered around processing of making it out, essentially going full focus, full obsessive about building any kind of prerequisite needed to make that real.

Often we turn our focus and energy elsewhere as a coping skill not to have to feel into the hurt otherwise lived into, and unfortunately that may ensure or prolong status quo. 

Transmuting energies into a narrow cause allows us to become a bit obsessive and go to lengths and build  courage otherwise not possible, gaining some kind of momentum otherwise not possible. 

Do you currently work full time bringing in as much money as possible to build towards the future, maximizing savings in any and every possible way?

You've mentioned bad financial choices and debt?

Do you have long term plan to sort that out?

Plans allow us to focus harder and achieve such transmutation of energies, adding significant momentum into a cause as a form of deeper life purpose, even if that life purpose is short term and part of something that will grow bigger once the primary obstacle has been overcome. 

What are some things that you could try that you haven't tried yet?

Calls for deep brainstorming, trying to go as widen with options that in some way contribute some small piece towards that focused effort of making it out.

Often there are options that we just can't see due to being too stuck in our current perspective and locked in on the problem, limiting the ability to see smaller contributions that over time help diminishing the obstacle at hand, us opting for a quick and full solution often rejects smaller shifts.

Is there anyone else in your wider family that you could create a deeper connection with where a stronger relationship could contribute in bringing some kind of difference? 

What else could turn out building towards acting as a springboard given it some time? 

❤️

Edited August 4, 2021 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

If it's not possible to go to therapy due to you not affording it and your family needing to pay for it but unwilling to do so, there aren't any free support groups somewhere in your area that could be helpful?

 

Nope. Everything around me operates in business mode.

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Your mind seem quite scattered between a lot of thing, looking at journals and topics you interact with, and not the least around sex and relationships.

Don't know what you mean by this.

 

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Are you looking at the relationship side of things as an escape out from your the trap you find yourself in? 

Nope. I really want to marry a good man..but I don't want my family to decide things or interfere.As usual they interfere with everything and make my life much harder. 

Today my family told me to kill myself in the morning if I wasn't listening to them. They told me I wasn't worth living in society.

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Transmutation of energy could be helpful.

Would it be possible to transmute all the energy spent on everything else, and channel all your focus into one single cause that is centered around processing of making it out, essentially going full focus, full obsessive about building any kind of prerequisite needed to make that real.

Often we turn our focus and energy elsewhere as a coping skill not to have to feel into the hurt otherwise lived into, and unfortunately that may ensure or prolong status quo. 

Yes this is happening with me. I distract myself a lot in order to forget my pain so I don't focus on solutions. It's like a coping strategy. The coping strategy is to simply forget until it becomes severe. 

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Transmuting energies into a narrow cause allows us to become a bit obsessive and go to lengths and build  courage otherwise not possible, gaining some kind of momentum otherwise not possible. 

 

I agree. 

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Do you currently work full time bringing in as much money as possible to build towards the future, maximizing savings in any and every possible way?

I work part time. Also I have heart issues so I can't take a lot of stress. I'm in my 20s but I was born with congenital heart issues so it's tough for me to do any job on a full scale, I get stressed out very quickly so I only do little work and earn little money to pay my regular bills. 

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

You've mentioned bad financial choices and debt?

Do you have long term plan to sort that out?

Yea I might look for a job once I'm able to travel again. Right now there are restrictions because of the third wave of Covid 19. So most places are still closed. It will take another three months before job openings start again. Till then I'm stuck in my current job.

 

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Plans allow us to focus harder and achieve such transmutation of energies, adding significant momentum into a cause as a form of deeper life purpose, even if that life purpose is short term and part of something that will grow bigger once the primary obstacle has been overcome. 

Sounds good.

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

What are some things that you could try that you haven't tried yet?

Calls for deep brainstorming, trying to go as widen with options that in some way contribute some small piece towards that focused effort of making it out.

I really don't know. I can't explore right now. Things I can only do once this whole lockdown situation is dealt with. Most people are out of jobs in my area right now.

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Often there are options that we just can't see due to being too stuck in our current perspective and locked in on the problem, limiting the ability to see smaller contributions that over time help diminishing the obstacle at hand, us opting for a quick and full solution often rejects smaller shifts.

I need to bear this in mind. I am always looking for perfectionist solutions.

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Is there anyone else in your wider family that you could create a deeper connection with where a stronger relationship could contribute in bringing some kind of difference? 

Absolutely nobody. My wider family are really cruel people. There's one Uncle who is good. But whenever I talk to him, my family bashes me for it. 

It's like I'm bringing dishonor to my family in their eyes 

12 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

What else could turn out building towards acting as a springboard given it some time? 

❤️

Really don't know. Money might be needed to move out. But given my earning capacity, not sure if I can sustain it even if I initially move out. 

The financial situation of my friends also is pretty bad..they are stuck in low end Jobs and they are stuck with parents, but their parents are at least better.

 

[Preety_India]

 

So holy so sacred.

Yesterday I was watching this video on suicides By train. It made me very emotional because I relate to the pain they felt. How terrible life has to be that makes you think that a violent end is a better option. 

I wish I could meet those people in heaven and I would give each one of those a hug.

I'll sing  kumbaya with them and let them know that life is brutal but yes we're free.

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Preety_India

[Eph75]

35 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I get stressed out very quickly so I only do little work

Stress usually is a construct of our mind, and low resilience toward perceived forms of pressure causes stress. 

Looking into stress handling, often leading to developing emotional handling skills really helps with mentally induced stress.

Physically enduced stress is of course something else and with a not fully functional heart it's of course not good to push past the boundaries. 

Although, It's easy to use such physical conditions as justification towards not working on the mental aspect of stress. 

Also mental stress lowers the threshold for experiencing physical stress. 

They most certainly interact in both directions, in complex ways.

The former has a huge impact on our physical stress, living with frequent, high and prolonged levels of cortisol, which is something that I believe is true in your life, pumping through our system, contributing with psychosomatic symptoms and phsysical deterioration on a cellular level. 

Looking inwards and exploring our relationship with responsibility and when we turn to justification, blame, shame and obligation helps to snap out of ruts in form of we'll-trodden thought stories that more keep us stuck than move us forwards. And remember, then the current takes you out to sea, sideways may be the means to getting forward. 

42 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

tough for me to do any job on a full scale

What would a job that is full time that you combined with working on the mental side of the stress equation be? 

44 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I really don't know. I can't explore right now. Things I can only do once this whole lockdown situation is dealt with.

Exoloration not implying putting on your explorer suit and go Indiana Jonesy or maybe Lara Crofty, exploration of option and opportunities is a deeply completative exercise and what limit us from seeing opportunities live inside out mind. 

Too focused on the bad or the problem prevents us to see those solutions that are less obvious to us, but often can be more effective in reaching results than the obvious stuff that we dismiss. 

Think of more options, where haven't you been exploring, and what kind of opportunities a there? There's always an opportunity, regardless of dark or grim the situation may seem. Find it, and grab it. 

If more income is prevented by jobs which is prevented by stress, and the stress is leaning towards being mentally induced, justification closes the door towards opportunities. This is is such an example where we best become aware of what's holding us back and what would help move forward. Becoming masterfull around understanding and handling stress related stuff is an opportunity that helps short term, and is a game-changer from a life-time perspective. Yet, that option isn't the first we'd think of, we'd rather focus on the external "bad" stuff that is to blame for that stress, and justify ourselves in that proceeds as being unable to change what is.

Lockdown?

Perfect time to introspect and "explore"!

53 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I am always looking for perfectionist solutions.

Fuck perfectionism.

There's no such thing we can achieve that brings perfect. It's a mental construct that keep is in delusion and worse, prevent us from creating change since the change we see isn't the "best solution", and even worse, stops possible steps toward positive change to be seen. 

F that. 

Create deliberate intention to select anything that adds even the smallest positive change. Brainstorm options and evaluate which you can do, and choose the one with the best correlation between causing manageble anxiety and theoretical outcome. Beware of justifications and excuses why you can't choose the more difficult option that may give better outcomes. 

Rinse and repeat, over and over again. 

Just offering a gentle kick in the bum 

Sorry, didn't mean to interfere with your journal, stopping here.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Eph75 said:

Stress usually is a construct of our mind, and low resilience toward perceived forms of pressure causes stress. 

Looking into stress handling, often leading to developing emotional handling skills really helps with mentally induced stress.

Physically enduced stress is of course something else and with a not fully functional heart it's of course not good to push past the boundaries. 

Although, It's easy to use such physical conditions as justification towards not working on the mental aspect of stress. 

Also mental stress lowers the threshold for experiencing physical stress. 

They most certainly interact in both directions, in complex ways.

The former has a huge impact on our physical stress, living with frequent, high and prolonged levels of cortisol, which is something that I believe is true in your life, pumping through our system, contributing with psychosomatic symptoms and phsysical deterioration on a cellular level. 

Looking inwards and exploring our relationship with responsibility and when we turn to justification, blame, shame and obligation helps to snap out of ruts in form of we'll-trodden thought stories that more keep us stuck than move us forwards. And remember, then the current takes you out to sea, sideways may be the means to getting forward. 

What would a job that is full time that you combined with working on the mental side of the stress equation be? 

Exoloration not implying putting on your explorer suit and go Indiana Jonesy or maybe Lara Crofty, exploration of option and opportunities is a deeply completative exercise and what limit us from seeing opportunities live inside out mind. 

Too focused on the bad or the problem prevents us to see those solutions that are less obvious to us, but often can be more effective in reaching results than the obvious stuff that we dismiss. 

Think of more options, where haven't you been exploring, and what kind of opportunities a there? There's always an opportunity, regardless of dark or grim the situation may seem. Find it, and grab it. 

If more income is prevented by jobs which is prevented by stress, and the stress is leaning towards being mentally induced, justification closes the door towards opportunities. This is is such an example where we best become aware of what's holding us back and what would help move forward. Becoming masterfull around understanding and handling stress related stuff is an opportunity that helps short term, and is a game-changer from a life-time perspective. Yet, that option isn't the first we'd think of, we'd rather focus on the external "bad" stuff that is to blame for that stress, and justify ourselves in that proceeds as being unable to change what is.

Lockdown?

Perfect time to introspect and "explore"!

Fuck perfectionism.

There's no such thing we can achieve that brings perfect. It's a mental construct that keep is in delusion and worse, prevent us from creating change since the change we see isn't the "best solution", and even worse, stops possible steps toward positive change to be seen. 

F that. 

Create deliberate intention to select anything that adds even the smallest positive change. Brainstorm options and evaluate which you can do, and choose the one with the best correlation between causing manageble anxiety and theoretical outcome. Beware of justifications and excuses why you can't choose the more difficult option that may give better outcomes. 

Rinse and repeat, over and over again. 

Just offering a gentle kick in the bum 

Sorry, didn't mean to interfere with your journal, stopping here.

Good tips. I'll bear in mind.

 

[Preety_India]

 

So holy so sacred.

In my deepest sorrows, I want to sing kumbaya with the dearly departed souls who left for heaven.

See? There's heaven.. there must be ..for all those sad suffering souls on earth, there must be a heaven somewhere because this world appears like hell. This is real hell. There cannot be any worse.

But maybe somewhere over the rainbow, there's a heaven where all the peaceful people can go and rest. All the people who were fed up with this world and it's rules and requirements. All those people who were too spiritual for this planet. Those people who left because they could take no more.

I feel their voices, their spirits,from beyond the grave, telling me how everything is so awful, how their lives were systematically destroyed by circumstances. How they finally succumbed to the unbearable. 

They were so holy, so sacred.

There is a childish innocence about a person who doesn't fit into this world.

I wanna ask those people who died, "do you feel liberated at last?"

I feel like we can sing kumbaya together because as good innocent people we belong to each other. We're the loving people, love is our religion, we love loving the divine.

 

Maybe we can ask for liberation for each one of us. Not for everyone though. Because there are some wolves in sheep's clothing amongst us, who wish to play the games of the world. 

What do we do with them ? 

Just ignore those wolves and let them who they are.

Our prayer should always be to keep ourselves very very far away from them.

And far away from their egoic games.

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

so holy so sacred

 

And whenever I think about happiness or happy times, I think of this indian woman dancing in front of the temple, in front of Indian God statues.

It brings a feeling of how life must have been in ancient India, the golden India, where girls would go around dancing, singing songs, where there was no pain of modern materialistic living, no chaos, a simple religious life of love and peace, people being simple and no ego, no egoic games, no hate, only wanting goodness, being in communion with God ready for a new day with new Hope, living in God's image, his glory,his grace to guide everything. God liberating us from suffering and protecting us from foes and those who are cruel,shallow, greedy. 

 

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Preety_India