I wish I was dead

[Preety_India]

In one of my journals, I said something like- you can't save the World..you can't heal ego and lack of humility. But you can save people, that is individuals.

 

Those who find God are humble..

 

Those who are anointed by God are protected..

Your innocent soul has every right to this protection

 

Like the Bible says,

Ask and you shall receive.

 

[Preety_India]

God = beacon of hope in darkness.

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Even if i happen to be dead, my family will be like "good riddance."

they will try to hush up the whole matter so fingers aren't pointed at them. So they will hurriedly bury me and won't care about a proper burial/ funeral. 

That's the vibe I get from them. 

 

[Ilan]

 

@Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Ilan nice one 

[Gregory1]

On 4.8.2021 at 10:17 PM, Preety_India said:

I never want my mother to even touch my corpse because she has no right. She brought tremendous suffering on me.

I can relate to that... My mum never did anything out of bad intention... But she hurt me and sometimes I hate her.

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

I can relate to that... My mum never did anything out of bad intention... But she hurt me and sometimes I hate her.

Yep. I don't think my mother is evil

But she traumatized my father and me. She is bipolar NPD. 

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Preety_India

[Gregory1]

On 4.8.2021 at 7:57 AM, Preety_India said:

Today my family told me to kill myself in the morning if I wasn't listening to them. They told me I wasn't worth living in society

Wow.. this is so cruel of them... I feel your pain, nobody on earth should be treated like that.... If I could I would love to just hold you and myself and the rest of the world in my arms and just heal it forever...<3

[Preety_India]

10 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

Wow.. this is so cruel of them... I feel your pain, nobody on earth should be treated like that.... If I could I would love to just hold you and myself and the rest of the world in my arms and just heal it forever...<3

16 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

I can relate to that... My mum never did anything out of bad intention... But she hurt me and sometimes I hate her.

 

[Preety_India]

13 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

Wow.. this is so cruel of them... I feel your pain, nobody on earth should be treated like that.... If I could I would love to just hold you and myself and the rest of the world in my arms and just heal it forever...<3

Yea they are horrible. I just remind myself that I have to stay strong. 

 

 

[sara373]

On 04/08/2021 at 11:17 PM, Preety_India said:

I never want my mother to even touch my corpse because she has no right. She brought tremendous suffering on me.

 

 

 

the least that can be done as a soul, if not able to do what a mother demands. Preserve the love of motherhood that she once was for you. Not simply the womb who bore you but the mindset that isn't far-reaching as yours, the limited understandings and wherefores. Yea, Mothers can be "cruel to be kind", the kindness is a dilution of verbal sufferings that swallow her children. A mother is such a powrful force isn't it, when they love it is the universe of glory and when they disdain it is quicksand.

And perhaps, you'll not forgive those who wrong you but - forgiveness is for you, owing yourself the forgiveness that make it near impossible to bestow on those others. 

All what preety has endured is a testimony of her courage and fountain of love. I'm reading from my screen, I can just say how in this cold world the warmth exuding from your words in the eye of this storm is blesing to everybody ❤?

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, sara373 said:

the least that can be done as a soul, if not able to do what a mother demands. Preserve the love of motherhood that she once was for you. Not simply the womb who bore you but the mindset that isn't far-reaching as yours, the limited understandings and wherefores. Yea, Mothers can be "cruel to be kind", the kindness is a dilution of verbal sufferings that swallow her children. A mother is such a powrful force isn't it, when they love it is the universe of glory and when they disdain it is quicksand.

And perhaps, you'll not forgive those who wrong you but - forgiveness is for you, owing yourself the forgiveness that make it near impossible to bestow on those others. 

All what preety has endured is a testimony of her courage and fountain of love. I'm reading from my screen, I can just say how in this cold world the warmth exuding from your words in the eye of this storm is blesing to everybody ❤?

Thank you for the kind words. I'll forgive her eventually, it's only a matter of time. 

My goal is to reconcile with her at some point. I won't let her die without closure. I have always cared for her, taken her to doctor visits, stayed during her surgeries, cooked her meals, took her to dentists appointments. 

It's only that I have some revenge/resentment for how she raised me with abuse and how she mistreated my dad in front of me. 

But I have learned that this was her bipolar. One day I had an open discussion with her and she said that her bipolar made her act in strange ways and become cruel to everyone in the family. 

She used to adore me as a child until she snapped and started getting weird and very psychotic and maniacal. 

Recently she agreed to take bipolar medication. 

She is showing some good signs yet last month she was violent with me in the middle of the night. 

She pulled my hair, grabbed my neck, shoved me into the wall and began hitting my head. 

I have taken a lot of her behaviors very patiently over the years. 

I just pray that she gets well and stops her maniacal behavior. 

After that I will forgive her and let her be in peace. 

I have nothing against her because she is my mother. 

But things went very wrong between me and her and my father's death many years ago exacerbated my already growing resentment against her. 

I hope she gets better and understands that as a daughter i care about her. 

 

 

[Hulia]

@Preety_India I think it´s a wrong moment to make an effort to forgive her. Forget the fogiveness. Your highest priority is to get independent of your mother - emotionally and financially. And only after that you can start to think about fogiveness. Probably it would come naturally on you. Your problem is not that you are a bad person, cannot forgive your mum, blah-blah-blah...,  but that you are not confident. You´ll become confident after you dare to to do dangerous and difficult things, on your own. Do everything you can to get out of your parent´s house. 

[Preety_India]

@Hulia what happened to your journal. We were going to celebrate. Get some drinks or juice. I was reading your journal. 

[Hulia]

11 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Hulia what happened to your journal. We were going to celebrate. Get some drinks or juice. I was reading your journal. 

hahaha I have just put fruites in champaign into fridge

But now I´m working actually - month closing. Maybe in the evening? When my fruites have soaked enough champaign.  But somehow it is also not so funny without guys? Whom should we hate and lough at?

 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Hulia said:

hahaha I have just put fruites in champaign into fridge

But now I´m working actually - month closing. Maybe in the evening? When my fruites have soaked enough champaign.  But somehow it is also not so funny without guys? Whom should we hate and lough at?

 

You know those who keep typing away from basements. Lololol. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Hulia you know Gregory1 is German. @Gregory1

 

[Gregory1]

41 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Hulia you know

Heard my name

[Hulia]

57 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Hulia you know Gregory1 is German. @Gregory1

 

not from Serbia? not from Slovakia? 

Now you are talking like zero ?