Help Please

[Kevster]

Hi Guys,

I haven' t posted on this forum for a while. I am in need for your advice for I am at a point I am too desperate to let my pride serve me any longer. 

I just do not know how to deal with it any longer and I am afraid I will slip in a depression again. I talk to nobody about this, but everybody does advice me to get a job, be happy with my girlfriend. 

I feel everything I have been told is one big lie: Growing up, going to school, getting a girlfriend, get married and children, get a steady job where you will work 40 hours a week and feel yourself slowly but certainly becoming more lifeless to the point where quiet desperation even can' t be felt anymore. I am in the position I have a girlfriend (i am 27yrs old), she wants to get married and children, which is something I want for her the most. I have a job, but at home, I just sit on the couch, watch tv with her, and i just feel like ' is this all there is?". Is this the life I should live, I feel so frustrated, sad and guilty at the same time. Guilty to my girlfriend, because I feel I fade away and postpone her wish and expectation to get children and move on to the next step on the conventional ladder. I feel numbed and I numb myself, feel the adventure and life being obscured by the blur of numbness created by distractions like internet, porno and going out with my friends, I am sick of it. I am avoiding like hell. Avoiding with internet, perhaps also this forum (at least her I throw my heart out). I feel so scared. When I do a meditation, I feel all the tears and all the chillings run through my spine and the voice in my head screaming " What the hell are you doing, Wake up, what are you doing." But as an answer, the immediate answer is almost always " Like what!?, I just don' t know what to do". 

I have been trying self-improvement though. I have done meditation challenges, read a book a day challenges, done pick-up, but it all felt as a chore. it felt if as I did' it and did not improve at all. It felt as something I had to do, to keep up with my friends and peer-group. So I dove into each one of them, as a temporary obsession, flaming out after a while and being at rock bottom again. 

What should I do, What have your experiences been and what did you feel had real value. I am really ready in going through pain periods, please give me a sign.

 

Your truly,

Kevster 

 

 

[step1]

5 minutes ago, Kevster said:

Hi Guys,

I haven' t posted on this forum for a while. I am in need for your advice for I am at a point I am too desperate to let my pride serve me any longer. 

I just do not know how to deal with it any longer and I am afraid I will slip in a depression again. I talk to nobody about this, but everybody does advice me to get a job, be happy with my girlfriend. 

I feel everything I have been told is one big lie: Growing up, going to school, getting a girlfriend, get married and children, get a steady job where you will work 40 hours a week and feel yourself slowly but certainly becoming more lifeless to the point where quiet desperation even can' t be felt anymore. I am in the position I have a girlfriend (i am 27yrs old), she wants to get married and children, which is something I want for her the most. I have a job, but at home, I just sit on the couch, watch tv with her, and i just feel like ' is this all there is?". Is this the life I should live, I feel so frustrated, sad and guilty at the same time. Guilty to my girlfriend, because I feel I fade away and postpone her wish and expectation to get children and move on to the next step on the conventional ladder. I feel numbed and I numb myself, feel the adventure and life being obscured by the blur of numbness created by distractions like internet, porno and going out with my friends, I am sick of it. I am avoiding like hell. Avoiding with internet, perhaps also this forum (at least her I throw my heart out). I feel so scared. When I do a meditation, I feel all the tears and all the chillings run through my spine and the voice in my head screaming " What the hell are you doing, Wake up, what are you doing." But as an answer, the immediate answer is almost always " Like what!?, I just don' t know what to do". 

I have been trying self-improvement though. I have done meditation challenges, read a book a day challenges, done pick-up, but it all felt as a chore. it felt if as I did' it and did not improve at all. It felt as something I had to do, to keep up with my friends and peer-group. So I dove into each one of them, as a temporary obsession, flaming out after a while and being at rock bottom again. 

What should I do, What have your experiences been and what did you feel had real value. I am really ready in going through pain periods, please give me a sign.

 

Your truly,

Kevster 

 

 

Get rid of all your distractions is the first step.  Sell the tv.  Be disciplined about staying offthe internet and porn.  You can block certain websites by changing something in your registry or something like that - try googling it.    This will enable you to think clearer.  Then reassess the situation.  Also your friends probably have similar habits to you.  Distance yourself from them and try to new social activities where you can engage with new people.  Exercise is a good one. i.e. gym, martial arts etc.  You tend to find that people in these settings are the motivational types. 

[avk123]

Just now, Kevster said:

Hi Guys,

I haven' t posted on this forum for a while. I am in need for your advice for I am at a point I am too desperate to let my pride serve me any longer. 

I just do not know how to deal with it any longer and I am afraid I will slip in a depression again. I talk to nobody about this, but everybody does advice me to get a job, be happy with my girlfriend. 

I feel everything I have been told is one big lie: Growing up, going to school, getting a girlfriend, get married and children, get a steady job where you will work 40 hours a week and feel yourself slowly but certainly becoming more lifeless to the point where quiet desperation even can' t be felt anymore. I am in the position I have a girlfriend (i am 27yrs old), she wants to get married and children, which is something I want for her the most. I have a job, but at home, I just sit on the couch, watch tv with her, and i just feel like ' is this all there is?". Is this the life I should live, I feel so frustrated, sad and guilty at the same time. Guilty to my girlfriend, because I feel I fade away and postpone her wish and expectation to get children and move on to the next step on the conventional ladder. I feel numbed and I numb myself, feel the adventure and life being obscured by the blur of numbness created by distractions like internet, porno and going out with my friends, I am sick of it. I am avoiding like hell. Avoiding with internet, perhaps also this forum (at least her I throw my heart out). I feel so scared. When I do a meditation, I feel all the tears and all the chillings run through my spine and the voice in my head screaming " What the hell are you doing, Wake up, what are you doing." But as an answer, the immediate answer is almost always " Like what!?, I just don' t know what to do". 

I have been trying self-improvement though. I have done meditation challenges, read a book a day challenges, done pick-up, but it all felt as a chore. it felt if as I did' it and did not improve at all. It felt as something I had to do, to keep up with my friends and peer-group. So I dove into each one of them, as a temporary obsession, flaming out after a while and being at rock bottom again. 

What should I do, What have your experiences been and what did you feel had real value. I am really ready in going through pain periods, please give me a sign.

 

Your truly,

Kevster 

 

 

Seek a psychological therapist or a counselor for guidance.

Good Luck.

[David1]

@Kevster What are your goals? You can't just start doing something without a crystal clear goal.

[Awomanaware]

@Kevster I've gone through something similar. My view on this: Firstly, be aware that you are not your emotions. Your emotions are a part of your ego (not "you"), and they are seeking for your attention. "You" are ignoring them, and what "you" feel is actually your ego crying. Your ego has been programed to think that your life should look like this: have a job, have a girlfirend, get married, have kids. That's imprinted in your brain. Some people do that and they are happy, great for them. But your higher self has realised there is something more than that, so your ego is scared because its vision about the perfect life that the culture has set upon all of us is now ruined. The bad feelings = the ego shelf is breaking...And that's a good thing! I think the most important thing is to not fight you ego and your emotions, yet welcoming them with love and attention. Don't be so harsh on your ego  Deeply feel your emotions, let them be, don't fight them. It's a process, I know it seems neverending, but it will pass, if you let go of the need to control. But make sure, in every moment, that "you" know "you" are not these emotions. Get in touch with your body. When you meditate, breathe deeply all of the time and try focusing on the breath. When the bad feelings come, let them stay for a little while, and then, let them go. Focus on the breath again.

Moreover, try to change your routine, from the basic things. Drink from another glass of water, go watch a movie you would never watch, buy yourself something you would never buy, eat something new, try to feel the little changes. There is more to life, you just need to re-focus your brain on NEW, positive things you want to experience. Ask yourself, what's the best version of me? Try writing it down every single day in few words. Have a vision, do little steps towards it, and be patient. Also know, that you are here to fulfill your vision, not hers. Hope this helps.

Edited November 30, 2016 by Martina

[Bob84]

@Kevster Accept that what you are experiencing is just in your head. Your life's story as a though has equal value than a though of a potato.
The only difference is that you don't mentally masturbate about potatoes (usually).

Rock bottom = Lack of positive stimulation + negative mental masturbation ?

Wake up.

[The White Belt]

On 11/27/2016 at 2:36 PM, Kevster said:

I have been trying self-improvement though. I have done meditation challenges, read a book a day challenges, done pick-up, but it all felt as a chore. it felt if as I did' it and did not improve at all. It felt as something I had to do, to keep up with my friends and peer-group. So I dove into each one of them, as a temporary obsession, flaming out after a while and being at rock bottom again. 

 

 

 

Stop giving yourself damn challenges. Stop running after the next thing, chasing, chasing, chasing. What do you think the prize at the end is? Just more challenges. Enjoy what's here now. Stop sitting on your ass with your girlfriend watching TV. Tell her you want to dance with her, in the street. Tell her you want to hear her insecurities, tell her yours. Go to an art gallery, see something beautiful. Run just for the sake of running. Dance for the sake of dancing. The beauty is HERE now. You don't have to do shit all the damn time. Enjoy silence for once. Enjoy simplicity. 

[ArabiaNytes]

@Kevster

 

Friend, I feel your pain...Like with myself, I hear your cries from restlessness and suffocation. 

Forgive yourself. You want so badly for things to feel "right" that you're anticlimactic result hurls you back into depression. 

We all have a life of purpose to live and fulfill. Your hunger might be too overwhelming, blinding you from feeling content with yourself. Now, you can't see past this: you are standing in your own way. Once you get past your demanding "ego", your passion for life will guide you to where you need to be.

It sounds ridiculous...but idk, I've been through some shit to make me believe in the saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it's meant to be, it will come back to you." I find this to apply to more than a beloved, but to the clingingness we sometimes feel to the fear of letting go, the unknown that results from releasing yourself from your predisposed, unyielding thoughts...

Try to sit without thinking about anything and practice a simple breathing exercise for maybe 5-10 minutes, till you feel calm and light. 

Without any judgement or overthinking, think of the times you felt good when doing something. Write them down.

Spend time relaxing yourself by NOT trying so hard. Give yourself a week or two to simply let go of your thoughts. Maybe hike everyday as a walking meditation, (that is a thing). 

 

Deep breathes....Your struggle is a blessing in disguise. 

 

?

 

Edited December 4, 2016 by ArabiaNytes

[Amir Ramharack]

The thing about trying to make yourself a better person or self-improvement is that, the more you try, the more you fail .............. until you don't.

             But every time you fail you feel more and more like shit, and what you do not realize is that your actually not a worthless piece of scum who is trying to become somewhat respectable. Your actually amazing, and if that's your fucking starting point then just imagine what you can be at the end of your journey. What you need to do is stop waiting for the the plot twist in your life that you see on the tv your constantly watching, where you get some super power and you save the day and life is now suddenly amazing and everything you did before then was just shit and........ I think you get the point. Start seeing the beauty in every day, start with your wonderful girlfriend, then look at the sky and then appreciate how lucky you are to be looking at the sky. Do not fight the emptiness that you feel or fill it with meaningless shit, accept it, bask in it ......... or and last thing, if you do things half ass they'll never work out. If every morning you meditate  and try to detach from the world then watch porn every night. The meditating will more and more feel like a task.

[Kevster]

@ArabiaNytes

Hey,

 

Thanks so much or your eedback. 

I decided to do a daily meditation o at least 20 minutes and reduce internet, television to a zero minimum after 6 O clock PM. I talked to my girlfriend about it and I remained at my own apartment or a while just to contemplate and be more in silence. Don't know why, but it really felt like the necessary thing to do. 

I finally created some space and a lot of shit came up. A lot of stuff which I thought I had overcome which I didn't. During the periods of meditation (still doing it daily) I start to get nightmares which I am very grateful or. They creep me out, but they tell something I assume. I came to the realization that I have been fucking selfish and unloving to others simply by being to over involved with my own dramatic life story. As a child I always cared about others, animals and even nature. 

Another realization is I have been being too nice, started to become no-more mr nice guy, but it still didn't solve anything. Now I ended up being nice again, but more of an understanding nice guy which still errs too much to the nice side. I do feel this is a little improvement, because the no more mr nice guy was some sort of rebel, still reactive to other people, but the same level of ' I do not really care about others". At least now it is more honest. I am now honestly nice, but I still feel I screw myself over a little bit too much. Like I care about others, but I can still assert myself more. It really is about respecting myself and also earning the respect of others. I know this is not the end point, but it feels like the next stepping stone on the road. 

So I decided to do something counterintuitive which is completely go against my view of what succes and my life is supposed to be. To teach children at kindergarten. I really felt a need to do this. To teach them their schoolwork and aspects of life. The so-called self improvement nowadays which many of my friends and acquaintances are doing feels so hollow, neurotic and self-deceiving. It is all about business, glorying narcissism, money, self-improvement, pickup, really to blow up themselves, it does' t really feel like they are doing it for themselves but more to prove something to themselves and others how great they are which in the end doesn't serves anything meaningfull. for me it really feels more courageous and valuable to not manipulate anymore, because being honest and integer is the hardest thing to do, and it really feels like the right and best thing. Moreover because I actually care about people. I always felt bad when I tricked somebody into my manipulation. Like, What the hell are you doing, they have feelings to. Really new-agey, but fuck it.  It is like another era higher and harder compared to the manipulation and self-improvement you see at books like ' how to win friends' etc.. etc.. 

One friend however, is in this as well, but for him it is really about self-improvement. He is doing it intrinsically, like for the skills. He has always been the most integer, honest and good guy I know. The funny thing is, he is not interested in money at all, but in getting the best out of his work, himself and his employees. His values are so pure and honest, he is really a guy who I admire. I will always value this relationship with this guy. 

I am actually curious to learn about other cultures as well. As if my story is just a fabricated as any other. There is no suppose to be, the suppose to be, is highly cultural and social conditioning. So if this is the case, will my exact story not change according to my social and cultural upbringings. Like caring about money etc.. was and still is in other cultures caring about the family! 

 

 

 

 

 

[jse]

On 27/11/2016 at 9:36 PM, Kevster said:

What should I do...

I am actually curious to learn about other cultures as well.

That's it - you've found your calling:  put on a backpack, and travel o'seas asap.

And if your girlfriend is truly the mother of your future children, she'll understand your need to (temporarily) place any current plans on hold, while you go out in the world and find yourself.

[Kevster]

@jse Thanks! Yeah it is sort of bubbling up in my mind for a long time. 

[Kevster]

So, wanted to post some changes I experience on meditation. I hope they will expand or deepen over the course of time. 

- (More) caring for others, especially children. (No not in a wrong way :P)

- A deepening of the relationship with my parents, especially my mother which has been very turmoiled the past years. I do not react emotionally and even start to facilitate the love she couldn't give me due to her own upbringing. Reverse parenting for some reason. I realize how much is true about the genetic upbringing. 

- No need to strengthen my ego in the relationship with my mother. Much lesser need for no more mr nice guy tactics to use to manipulate or get my way in order to win or not lose the battle of conflict. It is even fine sometimes to do nothing when being offended. It is actually not being offended, but feeling offended. Where I previously felt offended or done short, I see the bigger picture. When I haven't done meditation properly or sunk into overstimulation again, I can literally tell the huge difference. This is also due to doing intense therapy after a severe depression. Literally had to shed layers of masks.

- When Meeting strangers or people who try to belittle me, staying calm and even be friendly. I must be conscious though about really speaking up when necessary, but people joking with me doesn't really bother me that much. 

- Increased state of intense joy, which can come bubbling up for no reason. Usually when I am very quiet and alone or sometimes when I am walking in the city. 

- Thinking is a very little aspect of reality, I begin to start it's presence in the whole phenomenological field. Doing enlightenment meditation, where it is there in the field but nowhere to find.

- I have been the most happy during and post-meditation for nothing. Doing nothing is really the most pleasant thing to do. 

- Less need to prove myself. 

- Start appreciating nature and animals big time. Great need to watch planet earth and read about animal care and climate. 

 

"Negatives" 

- Increased nightmares. This is something which is really appearing after about month of intense meditation daily. Nightmares where others appear huge and I very small, where I am n the middle of a storm and losing someones hand. Also nightmares I used to have as a child start coming back :S.

- Even though the joy appears pleasant, also days of utter meaninglessness. I can literally do nothing. It feels as if everything is designed, or almost everything, to distract. This bothers me very much. Like wtf. 

- Intense anxiety about my family dying. 

- for no reason intense sadness and a need to cry and identify the sadness which I can't pinpoint. Just this intense feeling. 

- Lethargy about reading books I used to read. I feel repelled by books about becoming the best and all this crap. An intense feeling of anger towards the authors as well. Like wt are you doing. Are u again sustaining the self-narcissism bullshit as almost everyone here.

- An almost obsession with trump and the what the *& is going on with america. How can we so easily bring most of what we build, so easily down. People tell change is good, but this feels like regression. 

So that is it. Probably forgot a ew..

 

 

 

[Loreena]

Follow Osho. I like Osho. His has some good stuff.

[Nahm]

Wife and kids is awesome. 

It's your perspective that ails you. 

So how to change your perspective?

It came from the influences around you most likely (people, movies, internet, books)

Realize you picked those influences, so your are empowered to pick new ones.

 Out with the old negative stuff influencing you, and add the new positive stuff.

Do you even Abe, brah?

[Kevster]

@Nahm my tip for you is stop the brah-ing. Made the whole of your comment pretty much not taken serious.

[ajasatya]

@Kevster are you using meditation to inflate your ego? meditation challenge... what the hack does that even mean?

seek instructions for a meditation technique called zazen. start a meditation routine. after each meditation session, read a chapter from zen mind, beginner's mind. learn the proper way to train your mind.

[Nahm]

4 hours ago, Kevster said:

@Nahm my tip for you is stop the brah-ing. Made the whole of your comment pretty much not taken serious.

You have teed up an opportunity for further digestion of my point. I love the way the universe works. 

Bruh, bruh, bro, B-row, Borsephius....BRAH!

Annoyed? Good. Realize you added the 'serious' intention, not me. It's what you've previously internalized that annoys you, not me.

That was the point I was making.

Godspeed bro.

[Kevster]

On 15-2-2017 at 2:36 PM, Nahm said:

You have teed up an opportunity for further digestion of my point. I love the way the universe works. 

Bruh, bruh, bro, B-row, Borsephius....BRAH!

Annoyed? Good. Realize you added the 'serious' intention, not me. It's what you've previously internalized that annoys you, not me.

That was the point I was making.

Godspeed bro.

Well in that case we can make it a Zen Koan ;)..

Thanks for the pointer

 

[Kevster]

On 15-2-2017 at 0:38 PM, ajasatya said:

@Kevster are you using meditation to inflate your ego? meditation challenge... what the hack does that even mean?

seek instructions for a meditation technique called zazen. start a meditation routine. after each meditation session, read a chapter from zen mind, beginner's mind. learn the proper way to train your mind.

Hey man.

Thanks for your tip. It might be no coincidence that I just began to read that book allready. 

I do not know if I do it to inflate my ego. That is sometimes very hard to tell. I try to be aware of its manifestations or discover subtle forms of ego defenses. So in a way i think you are spot on. In another way, I think your comment is obvious. Almost everyone begins with certain expectations from meditation, only to discover what they are and that they are illusory. The whole meditation is to discover that and purify. So in a way it might, but it might also be dissolved in its course. 

So I think I grasp what you mean with 'challenge'. It is a challenge, because sometimes it is the hardest thing to do, especially when "negative" sensations or my monkey mind is in full gear. It creates resistance, because I still have the notion sometimes that there are 'good' and 'bad' meditation sessions. The bad meditation sessions makes it a challenge, because my ego/I/my mind has a certain notion about how it should go, thus my secret little practice. I should become calm, I should focus very clearly, my monkey mind should distract less and less in time, etc.. 

The resistance is created by mind and the resistance makes it a challenge, while there is nothing to obtain or arrive at in the end. It is simply being.

But to be honestly, meditation is the hardest thing sometimes. Especially when was addicted to stimulation to escape from simply being. 

Thanks for your comment and keep em coming. if you got more tips i am very willing to hear them!