Search For Englightenment Or Social Anxiety

[hundreth]

Hey guys,

Just wanted some insight on something I've been going through. More recently I've been very into learning about enlightenment and trying different things along the path. All the while, I've been living in a foreign country, meeting family I've never known before, and in the midst of a stressful time consuming relationship.

Being a very introverted person, this experience has left me socially exhausted. I've found that meeting with all this family, being dragged around to social events with my girlfriend, etc is just a drain on my energy instead of inspiring me. I've been falling back on this concept of enlightenment as a justification for my behavior. I recently ended my relationship with my girlfriend after dating heavy for 4 months. We had several issues, some you could call red flags, but there was a lot of love there. I simply ended it because I felt like it wasn't worth dealing with, and focusing on enlightenment would be a more worthwhile experience.

Now that I've had some time to essentially be alone, I'm realizing this could all simply be an excuse to escape from the world around me. Where does one draw the line between enlightenment and escape?

The same could be said for why I moved out to this country in the first place. I essentially left behind my job, close friends, and family for some time to be alone. Now I'm starting to question why I have such a strong desire to be left alone. Am I just a solitary individual, or am I shutting out everyone close to me?

I've always had trouble processing emotions and I fear I'm simply running away from them.

I know that it's possible to find inner peace and happiness by turning inward, but perhaps I'm already too good at that. I've learned that everything is simply a game, just an experience. Even still, it's such an enormous, beautiful world out there. Why not experience it? I've gone through so much to change everything around me, but instead I'm right back to sitting at home meditating. Sorry for the long post, just venting I guess.

[Prabhaker]

21 minutes ago, hundreth said:

I know that it's possible to find inner peace and happiness by turning inward

To come inwards looks like entering a chaos. And it is so; inside you have created a chaos. You have to encounter it and go through it. Courage is needed – courage to be oneself, and courage to move inwards. I have not come across a greater courage than that – the courage to be meditative. In this world greatest courage is to drop the mind aside . The bravest man is who can see the world without the barrier of the mind, just as it is. 

[Bob84]

@hundreth Homeostasis is a bitch.
First work on not being a introvert anymore. Leo has plenty of videos on that, like stop caring what people think of you etc.

Anyone who searches enlightenment does it for that reason or because they (in there minds) get super powers.
And that is totally fine, since we need something motivational.

All the reasoning you wrote i project as self justification for not taking action and staying in homeostasis.
Be mindful not of the constant discussions you are having in your head, but that you are neither of the persons having the discussion.

[hundreth]

Thanks dudes! Very helpful.

[laurastarla]

I'm going through the same thing. Am I 'incubating', going inward and discovering what is there and so this withdrawal is incredibly courageous and part of the process, or am i afraid of the world because it seems to hurt me and I want to hide and feel safe.  And the pain - is it coming out because there is so much there that needs to be acknowledged and purged and given a voice, and everytime I feel it and let it be and express is a layer peeled, OR am I recreating the same pain over and over needlessly. I had a sort of revelation that my ego might be playing this super manipulative and twisted game by convincing me I need to be living like this so I can hold on to something, anything. This identity of a spiritual warrior that's not afraid to go deep is just a mask of the me that is afraid to go out and be hurt again. At the bottom of all of it is fear. Maybe this question is dawning on us because the alone time is coming to its natural close and we are getting ready to open again. I hope! It's not in our control anyway, is it...

[hundreth]

1 hour ago, laurastarla said:

I'm going through the same thing. Am I 'incubating', going inward and discovering what is there and so this withdrawal is incredibly courageous and part of the process, or am i afraid of the world because it seems to hurt me and I want to hide and feel safe.  And the pain - is it coming out because there is so much there that needs to be acknowledged and purged and given a voice, and everytime I feel it and let it be and express is a layer peeled, OR am I recreating the same pain over and over needlessly. I had a sort of revelation that my ego might be playing this super manipulative and twisted game by convincing me I need to be living like this so I can hold on to something, anything. This identity of a spiritual warrior that's not afraid to go deep is just a mask of the me that is afraid to go out and be hurt again. At the bottom of all of it is fear. Maybe this question is dawning on us because the alone time is coming to its natural close and we are getting ready to open again. I hope! It's not in our control anyway, is it...

Yeah, that's exactly it. It's such a mind fuck when the most courageous action you can take looks exactly the same as the most cowardly. 

I believe that sometimes in solitude we discover just how truly inter-dependent we really are. At any moment, I can jump back into the game. What I'm meditating on right now is why I felt compelled to disconnect in the first place, and why it always feels like such a fight. I've held this notion that my interactions with the world should feel free flowing and natural, almost effortless. What ends up happening with my current level of understanding, is that the wider network around me appears as a bunch of selfish egos aimlessly doing things. Each with their own agenda and toxic environment they attempt to pull me into.

I'd like to reach a point where instead of apathy and this elusive search of zen, I will have a strong sense of purpose that shields me from the gravity of others and empowers me to connect with the world around me in constructive ways.

I guess sometimes the fight is just a necessary part of the process and @Bob84 is right. I need to go back to the personal development phase and work on social skills / exploring my woefully underdeveloped emotional side.

Best of luck on your journey!

[Nahm]

Hi hundreth!

Somewhere back in your upbringing someone did you wrong. They led you to believe your emotions are the experience resulting between you and another person. Lay the following patchwork on yourself and all will be fine - You. Are. The. Universe.   We all accept this fact to different degrees, and this is what enlightenment is all about. I don't know where you're at on accepting that fact, but I do know this - your emotions are the dissonance between how you (the brain/past experiences you) see something, and how the source of all things / the universe within you - see's something. Emotion is an experience. You could not even feel negative emotion if the source within you wasn't seeing things positively. Again, emotion is the experience of these two perspectives. Your emotion is you giudance system. It has always been there, letting you know what your higher self/source energy/God/ the universe thinks. If you want true enlightenment - the kind where you have such clarity that events in your life such as these are carefree, then you must allow and listen to that source energy within you. If you want to eat a large pizza and a bucket of wings at midnight, instead, listen to the source within that is telling you "bro, this is a very bad idea". If your higher self has been telling you to get up at 4am and meditate and excercise, then listen to it and do it. The more you listen, the stronger your positive emotion becomes, and after days, weeks, etc - momentum builds. Alignment happens. Feeling amazing becomes your default. I'm talking about aligning with the all knowing super position grand unified field of everywhere and everything. This alignment could take you a week or a month or a life time or never. It is only up to you and to what degree you listen to it. But, do listen to it my friend. It will bring you such clarity, so much beauty in the ordinary, so much inspiration, so much ease - that others will say to you - "Hundy, how are you doing all that you do, and it doesn't even look like you are breaking a sweat?!" And you will know, alignment is the answer, and you will know that you are the universe.

And then, of course, you will tell others, when you see them working so hard, that alignment with the universe is the key. And they will laugh at you like you are pitching Scientology. But you won't care because you will love them unconditionally. You will love everything unconditionally, because, once again for the cheap seats, bruh - You. Are. The . Universe.  

[WelcometoReality]

On 2016-11-27 at 2:58 PM, hundreth said:

Now I'm starting to question why I have such a strong desire to be left alone. Am I just a solitary individual, or am I shutting out everyone close to me?

This is the key question for you to answer. If you are just a solitary individual why go through alot of work trying to "fix it". If that's the way you are embrace it. Nothing wrong with being introverted but in western society it is quite tabu.

If you are shutting out people you need to dive into what beliefs are causing this behavior.

[YaNanNallari]

In case you forgot/haven't seen Leo has a video on intuition or higher self etc. Those might help you define what you should do