Am I doing too much at the same time ?

[Don Wei]

Hey guys, last year I posted about my depression in university and about my desire to be creative and express my highest vision as accurately as possible, something I haven't yet achieved.

I was very afraid to make the big leap into the unknown and let my old views and life go, but I did it anyways, I had to work really hard and get out of the comfort zone like never before.

I wanted to get accepted in filmschool to become a movie director, even if I didn't believe that was possible for me at the time, at first I failed a lot and I had nothing to back me up, no stability at all. At one point I had zero euro's in my bank account and I was forced to work a part time job in an icesalon which is a lot harder than you might think, and I got fired around the same time the filmschool rejected me,

after a few months of struggeling and making short movies and networking I finally got accepted into a couple of other filmschools, I also made a youtube channel in the meantime, and because I'm not experienced enough to earn any money with my purpose I had to take another part time job, and all this is where the problem comes in.

I still feel very unbalanced and confused, even though I got exactly what I wanted. The reason I feel unbalanced is because one small problem is able to ruin a lot. The cameraman who helped me film my short movies is moving to another country, my laptop that I use to do pretty much anything broke, so I can't make any youtube videos either, and even if I was able to make youtube videos it would still be a problem because i'm starting to doubt if I should even make the videos that I make, and if they will make me satisfied long term, on top of that I haven't been able to do as much as before either because of my part time job. 

I find it pretty strange that i'm able to be very high conscious at one point, and become low conscious and stressed in an instant, and how fast things in life can go right or wrong, could I be in the limbo phase AGAIN in 1 year ? I know I was in the limbo phase end 2020, but I don't know why else I would be so confused and frustrated while everything seems so good from the outside.

Or maybe i'm just too impatient and my expectations might also just be too high, what are your thoughts ?

[Don Wei]

I also wanted to say that I used to do a lot of meditation and spirituality before I moved out of my parents house last year, since then I have only focused on purpose and more basic self improvement, I haven't even meditated since then, so that may also have a small influence on my mental state right now, I know i'm following my life purpose and growing through the pain and discomfort, but I also feel very inauthentic and weird, so maybe i'm following my purpose, but just in a toxic manner.

Sorry if this post is confusing, i'm very confused right now like I said, and I have a lot of questions about this hollowness I feel, I almost don't even recognize myself, I used to think I was high conscious because I knew a lot of stuff theoretically at a young age, I was too arrogant, I feel like I don't know shit right now

[Matt23]

On 8/2/2021 at 3:05 AM, Don Wei said:

I find it pretty strange that i'm able to be very high conscious at one point, and become low conscious and stressed in an instant,

"You think you're enlightened?  Go back and live with your parents."  -- Ram Dass

On 8/2/2021 at 3:23 AM, Don Wei said:

I haven't even meditated since then

 

On 8/2/2021 at 3:23 AM, Don Wei said:

I also feel very inauthentic and weird

I suspect meditation can help in uncovering why you feel unauthentic and weird.  Silence and space are great ways to uncover truths. 

 

On 8/2/2021 at 3:23 AM, Don Wei said:

I used to think I was high conscious because I knew a lot of stuff theoretically at a young age, I was too arrogant, I feel like I don't know shit right now

Ya, theory isn't practice or embodiment.  That's that tricky thing with "high consciousness" theory; it can make people think they are there when in fact they still have tons of growth and maturing to do.   Yet, to me, this sounds actually positive in a sense.  Realizing you don't know shit is probably a big part of growing up and escaping your old paradigms.  

If life was teaching you a lesson right now, what would it be?

[Don Wei]

@Matt23 It seems to me like the self improvement I knew and thought I already experienced was only an illusion or a tip of the iceberg, this new level i'm experiencing feels very painful and uncomfortable, like pouring salt on a wound. It's like i'm questioning everything, especially about myself. And it feels painful that I don't know myself anymore, I don't even know what will happen after this, when my end goal was shallower I atleast knew what the reward was gonna be, 

But there's no turning back now, so I'll see what type of light will be at the end of this tunnel. In the meantime I'll probably have to improve and gain more experience with the more basic self help stuff, to build a stronger foundation.

(Btw ignore the quotations at the end, I tried to quote some things you said but it doesn't work somehow)

On 8/4/2021 at 5:55 PM, Matt23 said:

"You think you're enlightened?  Go back and live with your parents."  -- Ram Dass

 

I suspect meditation can help in uncovering why you feel unauthentic and weird.  Silence and space are great ways to uncover truths. 

 

Ya, theory isn't practice or embodiment.  That's that tricky thing with "high consciousness" theory; it can make people think they are there when in fact they still have tons of growth and maturing to do.   Yet, to me, this sounds actually positive in a sense.  Realizing you don't know shit is probably a big part of growing up and escaping your old paradigms.  

If life was teaching you a lesson right now, what would it be?

On 8/4/2021 at 5:55 PM, Matt23 said:

"You think you're enlightened?  Go back and live with your parents."  -- Ram Dass

 

I suspect meditation can help in uncovering why you feel unauthentic and weird.  Silence and space are great ways to uncover truths. 

 

Ya, theory isn't practice or embodiment.  That's that tricky thing with "high consciousness" theory; it can make people think they are there when in fact they still have tons of growth and maturing to do.   Yet, to me, this sounds actually positive in a sense.  Realizing you don't know shit is probably a big part of growing up and escaping your old paradigms.  

If life was teaching you a lesson right now, what would it be?

 

[aurum]

@Don Wei

It sounds like you’re experiencing the stress of leaping into the unknown. You’ve taken a gamble on your dreams and you don’t know if it’s going to work out or if there’s any light at the end of that tunnel. Things are chaotic, unstable.

A grounding practice of meditation could certainly help. Find ways to be calm even within the chaos, so to speak. Get outside, laugh with friends, etc.

Inevitably you’re going to want to create a more stable situation. But if that’s not in the cards at the moment, you can still do what you can to ground yourself.

[Don Wei]

@aurum that might be it, is it common for this to happen during the process of actualization ? I never really hear anybody talk about this and I find it hard to explain to other people, it's not very concrete.

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Don Wei said:

@aurum that might be it, is it common for this to happen during the process of actualization ? I never really hear anybody talk about this and I find it hard to explain to other people, it's not very concrete.

It happened to me at the very least.

Not saying my life is perfectly peachy now, but it certainly was much more unstable and uncertain a few years ago when I decided to take a gamble as well. I’d say it’s only been in the last two years that I’ve really started to find some stability.

The thing is, the unknown and chasing your dreams / LP go hand in hand. Anything that is just handed to you by society, and therefore is all planned out, is unlikely to be your LP. But there is a sense of feeling safety that can come with that.

Your LP typically plays outside the lines. It doesn’t follow any set path. And so there’s a lot more unknown factor involved. And it can be a lot less financially rewarding upfront, which only adds to the instability.

[Don Wei]

@aurum that's true I still have no idea how I can make any money with my life purpose at the moment, longterm it pays off a lot, but I decided to enter a part-time job so I can survive a little.

I hate working for people in such a setting a lot more than I thought I would.

I mean looking from the outside I thought it wasn't gonna take much effort because it's just some low paying part time job, but when you're working it feels like you have to put your soul into it, and the higher ups are never happy with anything less than that, even though it's a part time job and I get paid almost nothing.

I can't imagine that so many people work like this their entire life, this is literally hell. No wonder Leo calls it slave work, I actually feel like one.

 

[aurum]

3 hours ago, Don Wei said:

@aurum that's true I still have no idea how I can make any money with my life purpose at the moment, longterm it pays off a lot, but I decided to enter a part-time job so I can survive a little.

I hate working for people in such a setting a lot more than I thought I would.

I mean looking from the outside I thought it wasn't gonna take much effort because it's just some low paying part time job, but when you're working it feels like you have to put your soul into it, and the higher ups are never happy with anything less than that, even though it's a part time job and I get paid almost nothing.

I can't imagine that so many people work like this their entire life, this is literally hell. No wonder Leo calls it slave work, I actually feel like one.

 

Oh yeah, this is relatable.

I've taken a bunch of these bullshit, part time jobs to pay the bills.

I remember I tried driving Uber once. Didn't last more than a couple of days. I can't even fathom how people do that full time for many years.

The reality is this is how our economic system is set up. People don't participate in wage slavery for the fun of it, they do it because they have to.

Those experiences gave me a lot more appreciation for everyday, "regular" working people. As well as more egalitarian, politically progressive policies.

My advice would be to just slug it out as best you can. Yes, it's going to suck. Just put your head down, do your work the best you can, and then go home and focus on your passion projects.