Strange Experience

[Niki]

I was wondering if someone could explain to me a strange experience I had.

At the time I meditated for perhaps only a 5 month period of time an hour a day. I met someone with whom I talked on the phone for hours for about two or three weeks before we actually saw each other in person. When we met in person we sat across each other for 10-15 minutes before we started kissing. I felt this raw sexual attraction because my complementary opposite was sitting across me. An hour and a half later during foreplay this strange thing happened..

I know how Leo talks about we are not our body, thoughts nor emotions.. well for a brief moment.. which I think lasted idk maybe a second or even less, I stopped being inside my head and not only my head, but outside of my body and out of touch of any emotion or sexual arousal. I saw myself kissing the other person in a way.. I saw the person I was kissing, I saw the entire room, my face was so different, it was so relaxed and calm and peaceful. It's like I experienced everything that was around me and "I" was "around me" in a way, my body was just a part of everything. It's an experience I can't compare to anything else, I don't know how to describe it. It's perfection in a way. You don't feel anything, yet you are everything, like you are floating, it's unreal. Then I fucked it up. I remember saying to myself "she saw". Coz I noticed how she saw my face and my body changed, it made this shift to something relaxed and peaceful. And she noticed it. I felt so depressed the weeks after that experience.

I didn't feel a strong emotional connection to that person before nor after this experience, it was a raw physical attraction. What I am interested in is the experience itself. Is this experience what Leo is talking about when he talks about no-self? I find it hard to believe because I was 20 years old at the time, with not much experience in meditation. I've been meditating for 1,5 year and nothing similar has happened to me since then. I am a very sexual person, I don't know if that is relevant. Was that a sign that sexual experiences for me are a way of progressing in my spiritual practices and that I should research that more? Because I feel for last 4-5 months now that I am not making any progress even though I am meditating and I am very frustrated because of it.

[Guest]

awareness perceiving what is in the moment ...

joy

 

[jjer94]

@Niki Hi Niki!

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Is this experience what Leo is talking about when he talks about no-self? 

Let's clear the air for a second. When Leo says "the self is an illusion," what does that mean? An illusion is something that appears to be there but does not actually exist. The self is something that appears to be there in your experience, but it doesn't actually exist. It's just an idea, like Santa Clause. So, technically, your experience right now, forever and always, is one of no-self. Seeing that the self is an illusion is a totally different story.

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Was that a sign that sexual experiences for me are a way of progressing in my spiritual practices and that I should research that more? Because I feel for last 4-5 months now that I am not making any progress even though I am meditating and I am very frustrated because of it.

It sounds to me like you're thinking of enlightenment as an experience: some sudden experience of joy, bliss, ecstasy, feelings of oneness, etc. Those particular things may be side effects, but enlightenment is an inner realization of your true nature, and Truth is not an experience. Experiences are fleeting and don't last forever; your true nature has been around for an eternity.

You're frustrated because you want to recreate that amazing experience you had, thinking it will promise you salvation. In fact, you may want more of those experiences. If you would like more of those experiences, look up Kriya meditations; you can get in some amazing states of bliss doing those. However, that will not cure your frustration. Your frustration likely lies in the stories you tell yourself about enlightenment and your feelings of unworthiness for not making enough progress on your journey compared to everyone else.

If you're serious about enlightenment, you have to realize that there is no such thing as progress on this journey. Progress means gaining something, moving towards some ideal destination. Enlightenment work is kind of the opposite: it's a regression back to your primal state of awareness. Regression means losing things, returning to where you've been this whole time. What are you losing on the journey to enlightenment? Illusions. Illusions about who you are, what defines you, where you are, what you should and should not do. 

This frustration of yours is an opportunity to see through your first illusion. What is your frustration trying to accomplish? What's the hidden agenda behind it? Maybe it's not frustration, but it's depression? Maybe it's deeper than depression; maybe it's fear that you won't get the most out of life? Who knows? It's your job to dig deep into yourself and uncover your own illusions. Here's a reference point: Every belief you have about reality, about who you think you are (even 'I am nothingness'), and about what you should do, is not true. Every belief is an illusion that has no existence outside of the mind that constructed it. Any beliefs such as "I am a worthless piece of crap" or "I am a painter" are illusions that don't actually exist.

You probably didn't sign up for contemplation. Facing your emotions and examining them is painful. It's much easier to meditate, and while that can help on the journey, you probably don't want to depend on it completely if you're really serious about enlightenment. And don't just abandon your practice when you're away from the cushion; Life itself is your spiritual practice. Any time you feel emotional resistance in your day-to-day activities is an opportunity to inquire about the hidden illusions that are fueling these emotions. See through enough illusions, and all those things that once caused your suffering won't anymore. Once you discover how the magic trick works, it's not even worth seeing it again.

Cheers!

Edited February 10, 2016 by jjer94

[A way to Actualize]

That could be something very different than an enlightenment experience. I had a similair experience, only lasting a few months without pause. It was by far the most terrifying experience of my life.

The story goes: in a short period of time, I experienced many devestating experiences that my system could not handle/integrate. As a result, something in me decided to leave my body, where I could not feel emotions for a few months. I thought it was enlightenment, because my viewpoint was far above my head, everything was one. But it was really different than the first enlightenment experience I had few weeks prior. This time I felt really numb: no emotion. You can't feel happy, depressed, fulfilled, emptiness; I felt nothing. I lived for a long time in such an altered state (not the same as enlightenment), that I tought I had a heavy form of borderline or that I was dead.

Reflecting back on your story (suggestions) could be the cause of:

• being not comfortable with the experience
• being ungrounded
• fear of intimicy due to childhood experiences 
• etc.

 

Edited February 10, 2016 by A way to Actualize

[Niki]

Thank you for taking your time to answer me, I really appreciate it.

[Niki]

6 minutes ago, A way to Actualize said:

That could be something very different than an enlightenment experience. I had a similair experience lasting a few months without pause. It was by far the most terrifying experience of my life.

The story goes: in a short period of time, I experienced many devestating experiences that my system could not handle/integrate. As a result, something in me decided to leave my body, where I could not feel emotions for a few months. I thought it was enlightenment, because my viewpoint was far above my head, everything was one. But it was really different than the first enlightenment experience I had few weeks prior. This time I felt really numb: no emotion. You can't feel happy, depressed, fulfilled, emptiness; I felt nothing. I lived for a long time in such an altered state (not the same as enlightenment), that I tought I had a heavy form of borderline or that I was dead.

Reflecting back on your story (suggestions) could be the cause of:

• being not comfortable with the experience
• being ungrounded
• fear of intimicy due to childhood experiences 
• etc.

 

I find your experience interesting as well.

I now realize mine had nothing to do with me being closer to enlightenment. Yet you made me curious, how can it be connected with fear of intimacy, where did you learn that?

[A way to Actualize]

24 minutes ago, Niki said:

I find your experience interesting as well.

I now realize mine had nothing to do with me being closer to enlightenment. Yet you made me curious, how can it be connected with fear of intimacy, where did you learn that?

Shadow work. Teal Swan goes really deep on this topic in her videos.