How To Deal With People Who Put The Blame On You

[Birdcage]

Here is my question. 

How do I deal with people who are constantly blaming me for whatever reason?

it can be something as simple as 'why didn't you call me?' When they were the ones who said they would call to 'you weren't there for me but that day I was there for you even when I was busy'. I don't want to sound like I'm egoistic and I care about my friends feelings. I'm also there when I am needed but it seems like nothing is enough and I am constantly blamed for something. 

that person I'm writing about is essentially very nice and a good friend otherwise I wouldn't care but this keeps getting worse and worse. I feel like I am a thoughtless pig and am constantly neglecting thinking about others. It really sucks my energy. 

[avk123]

Just now, Birdcage said:

Here is my question. 

How do I deal with people who are constantly blaming me for whatever reason?

it can be something as simple as 'why didn't you call me?' When they were the ones who said they would call to 'you weren't there for me but that day I was there for you even when I was busy'. I don't want to sound like I'm egoistic and I care about my friends feelings. I'm also there when I am needed but it seems like nothing is enough and I am constantly blamed for something. 

that person I'm writing about is essentially very nice and a good friend otherwise I wouldn't care but this keeps getting worse and worse. I feel like I am a thoughtless pig and am constantly neglecting thinking about others. It really sucks my energy. 

Its not always black and white, its grey so it will take a bit of experience like everything in life.

Best to start by considering both your emotions and your mental analysis, check your emotions status as well as see if the criticism your receiving is constructive from the second party.  

 

Best of luck. 

[Birdcage]

@avk123  thank you. I think it makes sense.

I somehow feel the criticism I receive is not very constructive because it usually goes back to past events and I had an excuse for all of them(as shallow as it sounds) I will just give an example to be more clear; I called this friend at noon, no answer, so I messaged saying I can come by in the evening after work, about 5 o'clock and to answer me back whether she is available or not.

around 4:30, I receive a message saying she is still out and doesn't know what time she will be home. So I wrote 'ok, I'm going to the hairdresser then'. I went to the hairdresser and then met another friend and we didn't speak again later that night. In a week or so while we are talking about something else, she starts basically yelling about how I choose to get my hair done instead of being with her...etc. so that is one of the many examples.  

or we are sitting outside in a coffee shop and I suggest we go indoors if she feels cold. she says she is fine and then a week later will say she froze her ass to be with me.

In my world those are just plain stupid. Like I'm supposed to linger for her pleasure. I know those stories sound really immature but since I am constantly being blamed for being inconsiderate and she is a good friend, I just wanted a second opinion

[Franz]

Remember: The way people treat you says everything about them, and very little about you. 

Honestly, she sounds toxic. Playing little ego games with you (you have to be available),

holding grudges (the freezing story). There might be all kinds of underlying issues, but thats no excuse

to mistreat a friend.

Talk (or write, to avoid another pointless argument) to her about how you feel she is treating you in those situations.

Be specific! Also, be nice, its most likely unconscious behaviour on her side, she might not even notice it. I had patters 

like that in the past which i was unaware of, and iam glad people pointed them out. 

[Birdcage]

@Franz yes you are right. It would be good if I wrote it down in order to avoid an argument. We had a few back in the day and it always came down to 'I'm right and you are wrong' type of situation, mostly on her side. 

I'm not a person who claims to be right all the time. when given a reasonable explanation, I can shift to 'oh I didn't know that, I'm sorry' in a second.

I think the reason it is bothering me so much is because it happens to me a lot, with many people. I tend to think in terms of the other person and show more understanding and avoid conflict, which I think is a good trait and would love to have the same from the other person. I was taught to treat people the way I want to be treated and I'm proud of this trait but it has bitten me in the ass so many times. 

English is not my first language so I will try to explain this as best as I can; when I show this empathy and understanding, it usually comes down to 'OK so she can take anything' and the invasion of limits. If someone I know is going through tough times, I will show extra understanding. When the tough times pass, the unreasonable behavior will still continue and so on. 

I never thought of myself as a doormat but I'm starting to feel that way. Personally, I'm going through the toughest time anyone can go through and just because I'm not crying or bitching and moaning, turns out people think I'm doing great. 

so what do you think is the fine line between being understanding, considerate and a pushover,doormat? 

[Geo]

A useful NLP technique is called the "meta mirror". Consider the situation from your own perspective. Then switch and consider it from the other persons perspective. Then switch again and consider it from the perspective of a fly on the wall. How do you see the situation now? Has the other person got a point? Is there information you missed the first time around which on reflection is useful to know?

Another NLP gem. What you communicate depends on the understanding of the other person despite what you might have meant. THe onus is on you to communicate effectively not on the other person to try and interpret what you actually mean.

[Birdcage]

@Geo thank you for that. I have heard of that technique and actually tried it on this specific situation. 

my problem still remains. The friend situation set aside, I constantly feel like being pushed and pulled around. Because I am not the one who gets pissed easily, keeps calm, won't yell but go cry in a corner. I think I have a inexplicable need to please people. How do I get rid of this?

[Deep]

On 11/27/2016 at 3:06 AM, Birdcage said:

@avk123 

around 4:30, I receive a message saying she is still out and doesn't know what time she will be home. So I wrote 'ok, I'm going to the hairdresser then'. I went to the hairdresser and then met another friend and we didn't speak again later that night. In a week or so while we are talking about something else, she starts basically yelling about how I choose to get my hair done instead of being with her...etc. so that is one of the many examples.  

 

What you did here is perfectly normal. Your friend might be jealous of you or something like that. It seems like you're an empath so you will be the target of other people's bullshit until you put them in their place. Are you more attractive than your friend? 

[Birdcage]

@Deep when I think about it, i think the problem is I usually choose to shut up when there is a conflict. I'm kind of an avoidant. I agree to disagree and move on. I will not discuss behaviour and can't tolerate drama. Shouting especially is not my thing. I will listen and keep quiet. I basically freeze which imo comes off as being ok with it. I'm not ok with it, i just don't know how to react to that. I grew up in a very quiet family as an only child. Maybe that's why. To your question I have no idea. I never thought of it that way.

[Deep]

@Birdcage  You can simply say, "I'm not ok with this," and give a reason why. Your friend sounds like a narcissist so you might have to drop her. 

[Birdcage]

@Deep just looked up the definition of narcissism and you might be right. Thank you ? 

[Aware]

On 27 november 2016 at 7:42 AM, Birdcage said:

'why didn't you call me?'

Sorry mom, I forgot. I am so, so sorry, you are so dependent on me, I totally forgot.

"Its not funny!"

I am here for you now. (and remain in the now).

 

Birdcage, if you can't remain in joy, put the phone away if you don't need it for a while. They are not separated from you, and I am sure that in their hearts they don't want to blame you. Remain with yourself, if you can't take it,  but don't blame them either here for their blaming in this very chat behind their backs.

In stead, calm down, and see why you can't take it at the moment. What happened? Where did I go out of my own capacity of dealing properly, having energy and joy. Focus on that in stead, on your own thinking. Change it, and build upon the positive not harmful thoughts. (Mindfulness meditation), and see where you yourself lacked towards yourself and find where the other at the moment might have lacked as well, by also having taken to much.

Now, you can see yourself in the other, and the other back in yourself, have a good talk after it, and move on.