The Journey Of Completion

[Martin123]

Hey there. This is going to be my self-actualization journal. I do not know what my posts will look like, sometimes perhaps random rants, sometimes structure, whatever comes.

Background - before meditation a emotional awareness.
1995 - 2015 - damn was that a messed up and stupid household that I grew up in =D.

Summer 2015 - up until that point, very low self-esteem.
Depression, anxiety, codependency, low self-worth.
No purpose.
Inability to relate to others.
No passion, or joy.
Suicidal thoughts - never attempted.

Fall 2015 - found actualized.org (Why am I depressed video I believe) - started meditation habit, Created vision, and got myself a reason to get out of bed. With my visions I literally created a fantasy land for my future self, which helped me to continue on with living.
March 2016 - clear sense of purpose, daily meditation, sent out applications to universities in the UK, good social life, better sex-life.
End of March 2016 - I literally started hearing voices in my head going "You're worthless". 
- first thoughts - Schizophrenia, hearing voices, I have gone insane
After a while, I just realized it was my negative self-talk conflicted with my affirmations of "how wonderful I am".
- started going to therapy
- fixed the voices issue, but oh man, was that not the end
Spiritual purification beginns - april/may 2016
- the pendulum of emotions swinging from:
Sadness
Despair
Joy
Laughter
Depression
Anger
Fear
Intense Anxiety
Suicidal thoughts
Peace
Depersonalizations - a fucking lot =D
Loads of crying
As well as amazing feelings of emotional release. It was a frikin rollercoaster

- during this period I tried to stay rather at home, not doing much, meditating, contemplating

September 2016

- Spiritual purification far from over

- Moving to Dundee to study in a university

- at first socialize with lots of people, then just spend days in my dormroom releasing past trauma. Honestly It was not possible for me to socialize during periods of emotional distress.

- End of November 2016

- enlightenment experience during SDS

- purification tamed

- I can relate to others now in a much healthier way

I still go through periods of sadness and depression, but I have this sense of getting deeper and closer to my core self, which is nice.
The only problem here:
Exam stress - Trying to put together emotional catharsis and the demands of my university.

 

[Martin123]

Today I had a deep realization of timelessness. 
I heard Allan Watts talking about time being rather a social institution and I my logical mind agree with it.
But today I realized that reality doesn't care about time. There is just the present moment that is infinitely deep, in which everything takes place.
Freaky experience kinda. haha

[Martin123]

27 November 2016
Life is magical.

[Martin123]

I got to a point where I am able to quit coping.
most of the time im in flow state.