Im trying to reboot my life in the next 6 months

[Manofthepeople]

I can't believe I'm actually talking about this and it makes me feel so ashamed to speak about this. So I'm a 23-year-old college student and I still live with my parents, because living on campus was way too expensive and also i didn't really have credit to get an apartment with friends because all my friends went away for school. July of last year they started asking me to give them at least 90% of my paychecks to so that they can save them for me and I refused because it's my hard-earned money but they gaslit me and brought up memories from when i got a speeding ticket that was two hundred us dollars when I was twenty and I didn't have the money to pay for it back then. this was traumatic to me because the cop was very aggressive towards me and I'm still going to therapy to move past it. a couple of weeks ago i found out that the money I was giving to them isn't in a bank or a trust. It's been sitting in my mom's drawer for weeks when I have been consistently been giving them money for a year and a half. I called them out on it but they gaslit me saying how irresponsible I am with money and how much of a weak-minded man i am to question their authority. So last week when they went on vacation I took like two hundred dollars of that money and I spent it on skincare and groceries because they went on vacation and they left no food for me and I was essential just eating eggs and cereal for the first two days. They found out and they again started to verbally assault e by calling me financial irresponsible and how they will never let me leave the house because they don't trust me to pay my bills. However, here's is the kicker I have been giving them money for years for them to pay my bills which is literally just phone and car insurance. I don't have any form of credit because they won't allow me to have one and also I'm not actually paying bills. I'm paying them back for them to pay my bills. It is essential cant move out in America because without credits it's almost impossible for me to leave. Right now I'm trying to figure out a way to get out from under them. I'm so sick of them treating me like a child and treating me like I'm not even a person. They are forcing me to become a paraeducator because they are so consumed with how the community in our hometown will view me. My family is a bunch of high achievers, my brother is a high-ranking official in the military. My sister is the smartest kid in her senior class and my little brother is an ace athlete. I'm a theatre guy and I'm one of the best actors in my community and I have been recognized by the Kennedy center multiple times for my collegiate performances. However, they are so ashamed about me choosing the arts that they never talk about my acting with people and they talk about how I used to play sports when I was 13. My parents focus so much on hierarchies that i could give a shit about that at times i feel so worthless in this house it makes me want to run away and to start again. I feel horrible that I'm getting a second job and that i took them off the bursar's account and that is essential to doing everything in my power to become financially independent by December of this year. What more can i do to become independent from the so that i don't struggle so much in the future. Thank you all for listening and reading 

[Eph75]

12 hours ago, Manofthepeople said:

So I'm a 23-year-old college student and I still live with my parents, because living on campus was way too expensive and [...] 

Sounds like a good solution. Allows you to save money in the process.

12 hours ago, Manofthepeople said:

July of last year they started asking me to give them at least 90% of my paychecks to so that they can save them for me and I refused because it's my hard-earned money but [...] 

Cutting that sentence before you went into the "but", that sounds like they care and worry about your finances and want to to grow financially responsible.

You say they save it for you, so it's then your hard earned savings. Smart move! Had you thought of that yourself, that would have been brilliant! Essentially they could've asked you to pay rent, electrical, insurance, food etc. Both methods can help building financial maturity, and that savings plan sounds like a double reward to you in that process. 

So I sense you in a way feeling "abused" in that's process, as it's forced in nature, and against your will. 

Letting go of sense of pride, and looking at this as objectively as possible, would you define yourself as a financially responsible person? And having shown this being so. 

Is their "intervention" absolutely irrational? Or is it based on past behaviors not included here?

12 hours ago, Manofthepeople said:

a couple of weeks ago i found out that the money I was giving to them isn't in a bank or a trust. It's been sitting in my mom's drawer for weeks when I have been consistently been giving them money for a year and a half. 

A drawer is financially unwise, there's also risk of theft etc, especially if it's a significant amount of money. It would be better to invest in some way, but still the money is still saved right?

If they said they saved it for you, but used it for other purposes, that would be dishonest. But that doesn't seem to be the case right? 

Whether the money is in a bank account, trust, index fund or whatever, is more a formality with some consequences connected to those money growing or not. 

12 hours ago, Manofthepeople said:

I'm so sick of them treating me like a child and treating me like I'm not even a person.

Would it be possible that they do this out of love for you, and the desire to help you become financially responsible, but it's coming out the wrong way?

Communication isn't always easy and things coming out more harsh than they should, and that being interpreted more negative than called for. Stuff like this often also is discussed when aggitated, which is a bad idea. 

How can you communicate your wanting to build responsibility, the gaining of their trust, and what that would look like, and how they would help you with this, without it being an argument? 

12 hours ago, Manofthepeople said:

I'm so sick of them treating me like a child and treating me like I'm not even a person.

Sometimes we need to pause and try seeing things from a different perspective. 

Are you acting like a child?

This might be a call for growing up.

It doesn't necessarily have to mean becoming financially independent and moving out, as it's a great way to save some funds being able to live at home for a while while getting ones shit together, but that should by no means be allowed to prevent maturing. 

Have you managed to have a constructive conversation around this, to try and understand what they want from you and what you could do to meet that.

You're living with them after all. And it sounds like they REALLY care, based on what you've written here. 

12 hours ago, Manofthepeople said:

I can't believe I'm actually talking about this and it makes me feel so ashamed to speak about this.

Don't! 

Looking for help to figure one's shit out is a strength and not a weakness. You should be proud to muster up the strength to do so. 

Just be careful about ending up in a blame and justification game as that path leads nowhere good 

To me, based on this small window of insight you've provided towards your world, it sounds like you guys just need to connect in a deeper way and seek a new level of communicating with each other. 

Edited August 1, 2021 by Eph75

[Manofthepeople]

@Eph75 Thank you so much for responding. While i do see that they have a lot of love for me and essential are doing whats best for me. I regonize that love is painful and also hurtful. They don

16 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Cutting that sentence before you went into the "but", that sounds like they care and worry about your finances and want to to grow financially responsible.

 

I see that but the way they are doing it is emotionally abusive and not allowing me a chance to learn and grow. How do you build trust with someone when you leave them out of the conversation. I get that they care but I'm not learning from them I'm not getting any of this lesson. I'm learning what not to do with my money by observing them. I learned more about finances from watch youtube videos and friends than my caregivers.

[Manofthepeople]

16 hours ago, Eph75 said:

 

So I sense you in a way feeling "abused" in that's a process, as it's forced in nature, and against your will. 

 

Yes, i feel abused because every time the topic of finances comes into the house its never a loving or contemplative talk it's an angry and verbally aggressive discussion and they constantly remind me a lot about my mistakes and the little money they leave me. I can barely use it for gas and i essential feel like a prisoner in my own home.

[Manofthepeople]

16 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Sounds like a good solution. Allows you to save money in the process.

Cutting that sentence before you went into the "but", that sounds like they care and worry about your finances and want to to grow financially responsible.

You say they save it for you, so it's then your hard earned savings. Smart move! Had you thought of that yourself, that would have been brilliant! Essentially they could've asked you to pay rent, electrical, insurance, food etc. Both methods can help building financial maturity, and that savings plan sounds like a double reward to you in that process. 

So I sense you in a way feeling "abused" in that's process, as it's forced in nature, and against your will. 

Letting go of sense of pride, and looking at this as objectively as possible, would you define yourself as a financially responsible person? And having shown this being so. 

Is their "intervention" absolutely irrational? Or is it based on past behaviors not included here?

A drawer is financially unwise, there's also risk of theft etc, especially if it's a significant amount of money. It would be better to invest in some way, but still the money is still saved right?

If they said they saved it for you, but used it for other purposes, that would be dishonest. But that doesn't seem to be the case right? 

Whether the money is in a bank account, trust, index fund or whatever, is more a formality with some consequences connected to those money growing or not. 

Would it be possible that they do this out of love for you, and the desire to help you become financially responsible, but it's coming out the wrong way?

Communication isn't always easy and things coming out more harsh than they should, and that being interpreted more negative than called for. Stuff like this often also is discussed when aggitated, which is a bad idea. 

How can you communicate your wanting to build responsibility, the gaining of their trust, and what that would look like, and how they would help you with this, without it being an argument? 

Sometimes we need to pause and try seeing things from a different perspective. 

Are you acting like a child?

This might be a call for growing up.

It doesn't necessarily have to mean becoming financially independent and moving out, as it's a great way to save some funds being able to live at home for a while while getting ones shit together, but that should by no means be allowed to prevent maturing. 

Have you managed to have a constructive conversation around this, to try and understand what they want from you and what you could do to meet that.

You're living with them after all. And it sounds like they REALLY care, based on what you've written here. 

Don't! 

Looking for help to figure one's shit out is a strength and not a weakness. You should be proud to muster up the strength to do so. 

Just be careful about ending up in a blame and justification game as that path leads nowhere good 

To me, based on this small window of insight you've provided towards your world, it sounds like you guys just need to connect in a deeper way and seek a new level of communicating with each other. 

 

16 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Sometimes we need to pause and try seeing things from a different perspective. 

 

well, I'm to empathetic because I never want to fight them about it because i have a massive inferiority complex. Also i see there viewpoint but it makes no sense to put money in a drawer for a year and not put it into a bank or a saving account where it can grow interest. I get the love of trying to teach your child about finances. However, this is hindering me for making my own financial goals when 90% of my finances are with them.

[Manofthepeople]

16 hours ago, Eph75 said:

 

This might be a call for growing up.

 

I have been trying to grow up and start my own life but it's all about control. It's this with the money and also them trying to choose a career for me.my love is conditional for my family but i think i need to leave soon because i feel like if i dont make an effort to fight for my life. Im gonna be living a life of regret, remore and i never want to resent my family 

[Manofthepeople]

16 hours ago, Eph75 said:

 

Don't! 

Looking for help to figure one's shit out is a strength and not a weakness. You should be proud to muster up the strength to do so. 

Just be careful about ending up in a blame and justification game as that path leads nowhere good 

To me, based on this small window of insight you've provided towards your world, it sounds like you guys just need to connect in a deeper way and seek a new level of communicating with each other. 

Thank you for listening and i will try to communicate with them so they can see my side and how i view things but if they don't i need to move on with my life. I need to work to worry about myself and start to plant my own roots.

[Eph75]

@Manofthepeople You're very welcome. 

A very important aspect to keep in mind when approaching creating a constructive conversation is to deliberately disarm the other's party's defensive mechanism. This is no easy feat. Essentially, if you approach the conversation from a similar direction as you've done before, it's going to jerk the same triggers in your parents and yourself, as been firing off in past conversation.

It also calls for the awareness of one's own triggers, tone of voice, body and facial expressions, with and active effort to keep these in check. 

It can be extremely difficult depending on where the conversation shifts, so deliberately moving the conversation in a direction that increases the chance of achieving desired outcomes over time helps. It will need effort, but it really is an investment for life.

To be honest, one single constructive conversation can alter a relationship at its core and reap a lifetime of benefits. Looking at the bigger picture, way beyond this financial hickup, lack of connection and communication is often then root cause of most problems we go through. 

Often it's very useful to approach stuff in a very different, unexpected way, and often the appeal to the other's authority, wisdom and advice is an excellent approach, as it sets an initial tone and direction that is starting out in a relaxed and open way. Essentially an initial peace offering. If self-referencing it helps tremendously as well, such references as "I've realized that I've been xyz and I don't want to come out that way, and I would really appreciate if you would consider helping me to get past it" 

This is where letting go of pride comes in, because if we feel very proud and have a sense of needing to uphold our own ego, to win conversations and so on, these kinds of approaches doesn't show up viable options. 

What do you see for yourself would happen if you approached them today and asked for their help to become financially responsible, asking them what they think that means and that you want to collaborate getting there? 

I bet that would feel awkward for you, i.e. a real growth opportunity. 

What do you imagine they would say or feel if you approached them, not from a defensive position but from a position of actually looking for their support and advice?

I bet they would be rather surprised. 

What do you think such an approach would do to help shifting your commimunication mode towards a more constructive one, and over time allow for mutual exchanges based on a greater understanding for each other's standpoint?

Edited August 2, 2021 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

I'm glad that you're able to realize and come to terms with the toxicity in your house. Being this self aware is really great.

You can carve out a path towards financial independence. 

Work hard towards that goal everyday.

 

[Waken]

Wow, your story baffled me. I can definitely relate, but perhaps your story is even a bit more intense. From your story it seems to me that you've grown up in an environment with some manipulation going on, as so many on this world have experienced. The thing that I would like to tell you is that I could understand it if you have gotten the idea from that whole situation you've been in for all of your years that you are 'off' in some ways, have uncertainties and that you don't know what the 'best choices' are (for you). I would vote for choosing whatever feels best to you, whatever gives you a sense of relief, whatever your hearts desire is so to speak. I'm in a situation too where I might make a certain choice and in my mind I hear the judgement from certain family members about it when I contemplate the choice. However, I've come to stand much stronger in what resonates to me, and don't buy suggestions from others anymore that "they know what's best for me". I'm even dropping listening to my own thoughts about what's best for me, and am getting stronger attuned to what choices feel best in the body instead. I think I saw a message in this thread about confronting them and trying to change the relationship dynamics. Ugh.. sounds struggly. If you would ask me I would suggest taking the path of least resistance, and that might mean to just get out of the whole situation. You can just feel what option feels like having most relief in it. You might like to consider that holding grudges or resentment against others isn't what will make you feel really good though. Perhaps express your judgements about it if you feel that releases it, and after that seek thoughts about the situations that will give you even more relief. Turn what happened in the past into wisdom, love and understanding, and then you might come to see what happened as a big gift in domains such as self empowerment.

Edited August 3, 2021 by Waken

[Waken]

On 1-8-2021 at 1:57 PM, Eph75 said:

Would it be possible that they do this out of love for you, and the desire to help you become financially responsible, but it's coming out the wrong way?

 

On 1-8-2021 at 1:57 PM, Eph75 said:

Letting go of sense of pride, and looking at this as objectively as possible, would you define yourself as a financially responsible person? And having shown this being so. 

Is their "intervention" absolutely irrational? Or is it based on past behaviors not included here?

I can appreciate your time and energies to help. Your writings to me seem to be able to increase a sense of understanding and well-being. But sometimes behaviors from parents and friends are just not expressing love or care and aren't conducive for someones well-being at all. Of course that doesn't mean that they don't also have love for us. Valuing a someones nature, choices and boundaries to me seem to express love. Parents may know better how to survive in this world than a child, and their help then is of course very useful, but that's different than control. Sometimes it's just best to leave an environment instead of trying to speak right behaviors of control or manipulation. That of course doesn't at all mean that you can't choose for your own well-being and choose to think loving thoughts about your parents or whoever still, they still have their traumas to heal and their journey to go through after all.

Edited August 3, 2021 by Waken

[Eph75]

@Waken Well, yes, everything is always more complex than any single one post on forum can convey.

There are certainly times and places where things may need to end, where abuse and suffering is greater than any possible shift within self would ever be possible or acceptable. The deepest acceptance still makes a slap in the face a sensation that happens. 

Although, "often"  it's all tricks being played by the ego that makes it perceived a certain way, and it being wrongfully so, even more so and harder to distinguish at younger age. 

There's always going to be a devil "out there" and we can distract ourselves by spending out energies on identifying, chasing and battling those devils. Yet, the hell we endure is within us, and it's within us we create change.

What kind of outcomes change amounts to  is not really what's relevant, the one relevant aspect is our own change in relative perception of what that reality is or should be. With that change the outcomes can still be leaving, cutting ties and so on. These would not be escaping suffering with new sufferings appearing on the next horizon, and soon enough, but as significant change is our way of being. 

Well-being isn't relative to parents, belongings etc ? it lies in the transension of the constructed meaning we apply to what is. 

We ultimate create and choose what will be inside our reality. Where that choices come from makes all the difference. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by Eph75