Validation is a stupid thing

[Preety_India]

There are lots of concepts under this umbrella that I would like to discuss.

[Preety_India]

 

Lots of deeper concepts

• Do you want a guy that you attracted or do you want a genuine guy ......be the village belle 
• Validation is a bad thing. It's a dopamine thing. It's a dangerous thing. 
• . You'll always need a strong guy. Without doubt 
• The analogy of the guy A guy B guy C and guy D.
• Even intimacy can be faked 
•  
• The female version of the nice guy. Why acting "hold off" works so well. But do you really wanna attract that ? 
• Watch whenever you are looking for validation
• Watch out for narcissistic guys 
• You need you. You be you
• Self love is the Highest form of love
• intimacy is only real in the absence of things. Not in the presence of things. 
• love is never Unconditional. Only the highest form of love can exist.
• One tip - don't be the first person to communicate. Let the person come to you. So you don't feel rejected.
• Being a soft person is not wrong so if a person hates you for being soft, there's a problem with them, rather than you.
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• .

 

 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Control your attention seeking behaviour.

 

[Preety_India]

Admiration based love is never true love.

 

[Preety_India]

3 principles

• You be you
• You love you (ie love thyself)
• You need you(look inside)

 

[Preety_India]

Being a nice guy is not a problem as long as you want to attract someone authentic.

But don't be a validation sucker.

 

[Preety_India]

Validated can be 2 things

• A selfish thing 
• A weakness thing, like a deprivation thing

 

[Preety_India]

 

#Bemanipulationfree

Guys usually like "a put together" " drama free," " in her own," "playing hard to get" kind of a woman.

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Constantly seeking validation can lead to poor self esteem control.

 

[Preety_India]

Why as a woman you should never make the first move?

 

[Preety_India]

A man's only method of expressing intimacy is through sex.

It is the man's or male version of intimacy.

Guys who love you are sexually interested in you and will show it.

It is his version of love.

To take it or not is up to you.

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

It’s because you’ve been blessed not to date any narcs - you would need direct experience to see why. My old narcs would cry in front of me, tell me about their sad childhoods, be super vulnerable, tell me how they want to open up orphanages ?.  Now I’ve learned my lesson so if in the first 3-6 months the guy is crying to me about how his dad never loved him I’m gtfo ?.

Think about it this way, if you were to meet a truly great guy, you would probably want to put your best foot forward at first - you wouldn’t go and display all your skeletons in your closet off the bat (although sometimes it happens if you’re in a really bad place in life). Then it would take some time to get to know him, get comfortable with him, see if you can trust him to share your deepest stuff. Narcs start “sharing” right away, then you start sharing too, it creates this strong feeling of intimacy, but it’s bs. A healthy person takes time to build intimacy and trust.

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Niceness and attractiveness have an overlap: authenticity.

 

The part of niceness that doesn't overlap with authenticity, should be discarded.

 

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Being in the presence of someone and being yourself without feeling judged or like you have to put on an act. There is a feeling of warmth and trust. You feel relaxed with them. They feel like home to you and you feel like home to them. 

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Intimacy = “into me see”. Like people said before being able to share things with each other in a safe space, trusting, accepting and loving each other for who they are - you can’t have it with many people that’s why it’s special.

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Yea, that is the best thing. But not fake “emotional logic” though that they had to learn from “how to win friends and influence people”, that also sucks. But yea I know what you mean with guys who are manipulative like that.

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Ehhh.. in my experience, not really.. I’ve met some logical guys and if they lack EQ it’s a nightmare - it’s like talking to a robot that’s constantly calculating what’s the best thing to do based on data.

 

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In that case the best combo would be a guy who is logical along with "emotionally logical" you know what I mean, like some guys who are overly emotional (I'm scared of such men) because they could be manipulative. I had dated an emotional guy,but he was very manipulative. Yet the robot was not able to create feelings but I liked his honesty.

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@Khr like I would like to divide emotional into two categories

Emotional - this is making sense. Logical Emotional

Emotional - this is not making sense.. Illogical emotional. 

The second option is much harder because some people are Illogical without intent, just acting immature

Whereas with some people are Illogical emotionally and that's because their emotions are fake and don't corroborate with their reality, they are hiding something. Incongruous.

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Edited July 31, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Emotions are never a good indicator of judgement. Actions are.

Emotions can be faked.

You can't distinguish between real emotions and fake emotions.

That's why they're used so often by manipulators.

The only one thing you can do is test the credibility of emotions through corroboration with reality.

Emotions that are genuine will have a logical reason or cause to justify them unless the person is mentally ill. Where there is no mental illness and no real reason, the emotion is most likely faked and most likely for the purpose of deception.

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I’ve never dated a narc beyond 3-4 months either (except of my second bf when I was young, but I am not a 100% sure he was a narc, maybe just toxic), it interestingly becomes apparent at about 2-3 months mark (I wonder if that is where the 3 months comes from in some of the dating advices I’ve read (like don’t sleep with a guy for 3 months to see how he truly is)). I’ve watched a lot of dr. Ramani videos, Sam Vaknin, and many other ones, however I still dated a narc for a few months recently… just because I was in a vulnerable/very busy place in life and he checked out a lot of my other boxes that I got too excited too fast. So my lesson here was, if you’re in a vulnerable place, you’re probably not paying attention and overlooking many things (unless you’re a super human), so it’s better not to look for a partner then.

 

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Also, one observation from my own experience. Everyone's vulnerable place level is different. If u worked on your empathy, expressing emotions, and letting yourself experience lows as well as highs, u will not be as vulnerable or become prey to narcissists when u r at your lows, because your overall level of consciousness and empathy for yourself is quite high to start with. And all u need to pass a low point is to feel through it and accept it and be gentle with yourself during this time and u will also be able to recognise easily that u r in that low stage. 

 

  On my emotional resilience and noticing how I feel, not numbing it down or trying to fix it with relationships

 

So the only answer i see is to work on yourself more and raise your own level of emotional awareness and empathy for yourself and others. I really don't see any other healthy and sustainable way

 

 

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think there’s a difference with how people share that experience if it’s like “I had a difficult time in my life, but I’ve overcome it, I am so proud of myself” vs “I was once in a dark place, it was horrible, I hope you can understand that and pity me and not push me to get there again” - and that is a difference between being over the experience vs not.

 

Also going into many details vs just briefly mentioning it. I noticed when bad things happen to us, there is a limit to how much we can “vent” about it. At some point, once we’ve let it all out, we get tired of talking about it so it just becomes like “yea, been there, happened to me, let’s talk about something else now”.

 

And I can definitely understand how that was a big part of yourself and why you would want to share that, but it sounds like you’re doing it from more of a positive note.

 

My goal is to get to a place though where I don’t want to talk about my hardships anymore - where I’ve let it all out and rather focus on better things. I don’t know if it’s fully possible though and I don’t know if that’s realistic.

 

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yea it’s definitely important to work on your issues first and not cover up them up with relationships. Narcs don’t just happen to us, we allow them to happen to us due to poor boundaries and lack of self love. 

 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

One thing that you need to focus on is allowing someone to meet you in your own space, in your own form, in your own skin. 

This is one of the most crucial self esteem lessons. 

 

[Preety_India]

The other thing to understand is to create your own unique print where you do things that upgrade your art and craft in front of the world.. This way you have your own uniqueness and you don't have to rely much on validation from someone or anyone. You don't have to suffer this way.. You get to be your own self and stop needing validation to feel better. You're already validated by your craft. Aren't you? You need not worry how you appear to someone or  if they care about you? You don't rely on it anymore. 

Sometimes hatred is a good thing. You don't have to explain someone too much. They get the idea that you are too far away for things to work. 

Also diplomacy is a great quality to possess.. With diplomacy you're handling things correctly. Emotions kinda throws all diplomacy out of the window. 

Always remember to check yourself whenever you're looking for validation. It never serves a good purpose. It's a highly complicated reward mechanism that undervalues your true potential and value, infantilizes you , gets your neural chain addicted and keeps you in a perpetual "low self esteem" state. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

You should not seek validation with the following stuff

 

• Social image 
• Life in general 
•  People in your age group 
•  Men (opposite gender) 
•  Other competing women 
• Social Media 
• World and society 
• Authority figures 
•  

. 

[Preety_India]

Types of validation 

• Social image based validation. Social validation 
• Ego based validation 
• Sexuality based validation 
• Popularity based validation
• Acceptance based validation 
• Life based validation 
• Self esteem based validation (the most dangerous) 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

What should you detach from? 

• Detach from life
• Detach from situations 
• Detach from pain
• Detach from people 
• Detach from men/opp gender 
• Detach from social image 
• Detach from society 
• Detach from wealth/success/tragedy/hurt/accomplishment